i am so mad and sad and worrie- how do you get over wanting to keep your child home

[sewcool]

My son wants to go to public school its 5 full days for kindergarten he is registered for school but im so nervous. My husband wants him in public school also however im on the fence heres how i feel

This is me talking about my children:

i don't want them altering what they really want because of kids at school, or because of society, i don't want them going through the whole process of "trying to fit in" and pretending to be someone they are not, i don't want them being altered by people, i want them to learn who they are what they love how they feel without it being corrupted by ... See Moreothers "commercial" views it took me 23 years to figure out who I am and Im still learning. I want them to know it because they could experience things their own way. I feel they will be much more respectable if they are not hindered if people say no all the time how can they learn what they believe is right? and who says whats "right" its unfair


am i being nuts and over protective? or should i really consider this and really think harder about homeschooling? im lost and what about the fact that i know my husband wants him in school

[zinemama]

Yes, I think you are being overprotective. If your kids have gotten a strong sense of self and family identity from you and their father, they will be fine.

They will be altered by new experiences. That is just the nature of life, no matter what the experience. But growing and changing does not equal being "corrupted" (that's an awfully strong term to use).

If you really want to homeschool, I think that should come from wanting to be your child's teacher and being excited about teaching him. Not from fear of the big, bad world of other children. Because he is going to pick up on that attitude from you, and that's not a good thing.

Believe me, my kids were/are what some would call "sheltered." No TV, no computer, few movies, little knowledge of mass media characters, etc. They go to public school and thrive. Yes, they know about Star Wars and Spiderman and Pokemon now. But they have never felt they needed to pretend they knew about or had access to all that all along. They do experience things their own way, but they have the experience of getting to know kids different from themselves, too, which has only enriched them.

[sapphire_chan]

My mom reminded me once a week that I could always quit school and stay home to learn. Gave me the confidence to not take a lot of the school BS to heart since I knew there was always an out.

Also knew I'd have to work harder at home.

[meemee]

the key is he wants to try it out. i would put him in and then see what happens. he probably might not like it and want to stay home.

or he might want to continue.

the thing is you might want to do all of what you write. but you also have to take your son's wishes into consideration. he might be a little young to fully trust his wishes - and he might just be copying daddy - but the key is letting him discover. letting him choose. the thing is we just dont know. will it 'lose him' or will it make him discover himself more. sometimes you need to do things to find out that you dont like it.

i am a single mom. i have not been able to shelter my dd as much as i would like to. yet its her personality. she came out of the womb with a v. strong sense of self worth. her ps/dc furthered that by letting them speak out when it was necessary. i encouraged that by making her make decisions on her own and letting her follow them to find out that sometimes you gotta trust mom. or as i have discovered myself sometimes they DO know more than i do about themselves.

as pp pointed out your son already has a great grounding from you. your reason is 'your' perspective. to me that is not enough reason to keep ds home. esp. when he wants to go.

would you give him teh option to stay home if he chooses not to go back to K if he does go.

[momofmine]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Yes, I think you are being overprotective. If your kids have gotten a strong sense of self and family identity from you and their father, they will be fine.

They will be altered by new experiences. That is just the nature of life, no matter what the experience. But growing and changing does not equal being "corrupted" (that's an awfully strong term to use).

If you really want to homeschool, I think that should come from wanting to be your child's teacher and being excited about teaching him. Not from fear of the big, bad world of other children. Because he is going to pick up on that attitude from you, and that's not a good thing.

Hmm, I got a different tone from the OP. It doesn't sound to me like you are trying to protect your children from the big, bad world, And I don't think you are being overprotective. It sounds from your post that you value a lot of the philosophy behind unschooling and child-led learning. There is nothing right or wrong about how you are feeling, and there is no right or wrong answer about what you decide to do. You can do what feels right for your family, which might not be what feels right for another. It's my own personal belief that kids at the age of five can't really make judgments and decisions based on the bigger picture of the world, because they are just seeing things from their perspective, they hear about school so much in our culture that it seems like the "thing you do". Plus, kindergarten might seem like a lot of fun at first but what you are talking about is preserving his love of learning and his joy in exploration and discovery, at least that is what it sounds like to me. So, I would try to explore more what it is that my son is wanting to get from school and what his perception of school really is. Then I would talk to him about what homeschooling would be like. I would also talk to my husband more about his views on homeschooling and what he is wanting the child to get from school. I would try to not make decision based on worry and fear.

The majority of homeschoolers aren't doing it to protect their kids from the big, bad world. My children, IMO, experience life even more than if they were in school all day. And they experience everything in the context of real life. And that's what I love about homeschooling.

I also disagree that the reason for wanting to homeschool should be because you want to be your child's teacher. I do enjoy exploring and discovering things with my kids, but I would say that I am more excited about them being life learners than I am about me being their teacher. In fact, that rarely works around here anyway!

I would probably post in the homeschooling forum for some perspectives from homeschoolers. I definitely talk to my kids about why we homeschool, and why we have made the choices we did. I am clear that there is no right or wrong choice, and that there are just different things that families can do for "school". Some kids go to public school, some to private school, some homeschool, etc. And I do ask my older child if he would like to do something different for school, such as entering into a school, each year.

[Aka mommy]

Originally Posted by momofmine

Hmm, I got a different tone from the OP. It doesn't sound to me like you are trying to protect your children from the big, bad world, And I don't think you are being overprotective. It sounds from your post that you value a lot of the philosophy behind unschooling and child-led learning. There is nothing right or wrong about how you are feeling, and there is no right or wrong answer about what you decide to do. You can do what feels right for your family, which might not be what feels right for another. It's my own personal belief that kids at the age of five can't really make judgments and decisions based on the bigger picture of the world, because they are just seeing things from their perspective, they hear about school so much in our culture that it seems like the "thing you do". Plus, kindergarten might seem like a lot of fun at first but what you are talking about is preserving his love of learning and his joy in exploration and discovery, at least that is what it sounds like to me. So, I would try to explore more what it is that my son is wanting to get from school and what his perception of school really is. Then I would talk to him about what homeschooling would be like. I would also talk to my husband more about his views on homeschooling and what he is wanting the child to get from school. I would try to not make decision based on worry and fear.

The majority of homeschoolers aren't doing it to protect their kids from the big, bad world. My children, IMO, experience life even more than if they were in school all day. And they experience everything in the context of real life. And that's what I love about homeschooling.

I also disagree that the reason for wanting to homeschool should be because you want to be your child's teacher. I do enjoy exploring and discovering things with my kids, but I would say that I am more excited about them being life learners than I am about me being their teacher. In fact, that rarely works around here anyway!

I would probably post in the homeschooling forum for some perspectives from homeschoolers. I definitely talk to my kids about why we homeschool, and why we have made the choices we did. I am clear that there is no right or wrong choice, and that there are just different things that families can do for "school". Some kids go to public school, some to private school, some homeschool, etc. And I do ask my older child if he would like to do something different for school, such as entering into a school, each year.

I have to agree with all of the above.

And i think your thoughts and concerns are ones worth exploring. Talk to other homeschooling families, go and shadow the kindergarten that your son will be in. Explore all the options and find out which is a better fit for you and your son. I don't think you're paranoid or over protective. You're having gut feelings and instincts about parenting. Trust them, listen to them and explore them to see where they lead you.

[LynnS6]

For me, it's a matter of having faith in how I'm raising my children. I know that our connection is strong, and that we live our family values. Those consistent family values that my kids live day in and day out will eventually win out.

I can't prevent my children from going through developmental stages - there will be stages when they want to 'fit in'. I can't save them from heartache. But I have faith that they will weather these storms.

[SunshineJ]

All I can tell you is what I've seen firsthand with my two children. DS is 7 and in 1st grade, DD is 5 and in kindy. Yes, they have learned how to "fit in". A great example of what I mean by this happened last night at a friends house. DS was very upset by something that happened, but instead of crying in front of a bunch of other kids, he held it together until he was out of sight. For him, learning when and how to keep his composure is a huge step forward, and a lesson I don't think he'd have picked up on without the social cues he's gotten from being among his peers. He still is very much himself. He's always been the type to pursue what interests him even if it doesn't interest his best friend. That hasn't changed and actually works very well for him. Yes, he's been exposed to some things I would've preferred he not be, but it's also been a great opportunity not only for us to discuss these things, but for DH and I to continue to evaluate where he is and what we think is appropriate for him. For *our family* it is too easy to forget to realize that our children are growing and that they don't stay in the same stage forever.

DD is very social in nature and always has been. To keep her from other children or people a good part of the day would be akin to torture for her personality. She plays a little rougher than I prefer since going to school, but part of that is because she has stayed true to herself and while she does play with other girls, she distances herself from the constant ongoing girl drama and hangs out with the boys a lot. The only real change in her that I've seen is MORE excitement for learning and a sudden desire shortly after school started to give up her "no dresses or skirts" rule and want to dress a little nicer than jeans and tshirts all the time.

Would any of these changes have occurred if we'd homeschooled? I don't know, some of them probably would have. But I haven't seen any change in the core person that they are with attending school.

[momofmine]

I have to emphasize again that homeschoolers do not have to be "kept apart from other children or people for a good part of the day". Nor do they lack opportunities to be among peers, learn social cues, progress through developmental stages, or be exposed to Sponge Bob. Children grow up regardless, and choosing whether to homescool, go to Montessori, attend a democratic free school, or go to public school, does not change that. As homeschoolers, we live and learn and are around lots of people day in and day out. My kids interact with people of all ages, in a variety of situations, and have a plethora of opportunities to learn how to problem solve, deal with conflict, and manage relationships.

Not my intention to begin a debate about homeschooling vs. brick and mortar schooling here, just offering another perspective, and sharing my experience with the OP as a homeschooler.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Yes, I think you are being overprotective. If your kids have gotten a strong sense of self and family identity from you and their father, they will be fine.
.

I do not think wanting to shelter or protect a 5 year old is overprotective, nor do I expect most 5 year olds to have such a strong sense of self/identity etc that they will automatically be "fine". That is quite the expectation for a 5 year old.

Many 5 year olds do flourish is school - but I bet that it because they are in a great school envioronment, with loving teachers, effective discipline, etc -and not because of a strong sense of self.


That being said, your son wants to try it and your DH wants to try it...so going for it might be the best option. Pick your schools carefully, know you can always HS (or change schools) if things do not work out the way you hope, and relax as much as possible. You can drive yourself insane second guessing your choices (btdt)

Good luck mama!

Edited to add: Upon reflection I changing my stance slightly. I am not sure you should lay down your wants for your DH's. Is there any room for compromise? Go for K (which is often 1/2 time anyway) but not for grade 1? Not go until the child is grade 3 or so out of desire to have some time to build stronger foundations in some area/let him age a bit more? Perhaps it does not have to be all or nothing!

[Linda on the move]

I try to avoid fear based decisions. What ever I do, I try to get to place in my head where it is coming from a positive place. We homeschooled the kids when they were young and they started school when they were 10 and 12, which has worked out fantastic for them. I do see both sides of this issue.

I don't think that fear is a good reason to homeschool -- fear of the outside world, fear of other kids, etc. Nor do I think that fear is a good reason to send a child to school -- fear they won't learn enough, fear they will turn out wierd.

There are really good, positive reasons for either choice.

In your case, for example, the fact that your son really wants to try school and that you believe in him and have confidence in him would be a good reason to send him to school.

I personally believe there is a balance in life between knowing how we feel and being strong in who we are, and understanding that others feel differently and being respectful of that. Figuring out how to be who we are while being friends with others, and getting along with people who are very different from us are VERY valuable skills in my book. I think that kids need, at some point, to learn to temper their impulses and think through how their behavoir effects others.

[GuildJenn]

My son is very little and so we are careful - but I love that he's out in the world. His teachers care for him and come up with really cool stuff to do. It's great, honestly. I feel like we are giving him parts of the world. (Not that homeschoolers don't, just this is how we do.)

[ecoteat]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

Many 5 year olds do flourish is school - but I bet that it because they are in a great school envioronment, with loving teachers, effective discipline, etc -and not because of a strong sense of self.

Maybe so, but there is one other HUGE component there that you didn't mention. I've been a teacher for 12 years and the kids who are happiest and most successful (in any area of school: academics, arts, social, sports, any/all of the above) are the ones who have loving, involved parents who support both their child and the school. I've seen kids with a solid home life--even if that hasn't manifested itself as a strong sense of self yet--thrive in mediocre schools. So OP, don't discount the positive effect you will have on your child's learning experiences regardless of where they happen.

And I agree that fear shouldn't drive your decision making process. I also find that's true in all areas of life. If you go ahead with public school, learn as much as you can about the school and K classroom so you have a better idea of what to expect. That way if something comes along that you aren't thrilled about, instead of reacting after the fact you can have an idea ahead of time for how you might respond to it, which will make the experience less stressful for everyone. I know homeschooling is a wonderful option for a lot of kids, but public school can be wonderful for a lot of kids too.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by ecoteat

Maybe so, but there is one other HUGE component there that you didn't mention. I've been a teacher for 12 years and the kids who are happiest and most successful (in any area of school: academics, arts, social, sports, any/all of the above) are the ones who have loving, involved parents who support both their child and the school. I've seen kids with a solid home life--even if that hasn't manifested itself as a strong sense of self yet--thrive in mediocre schools. So OP, don't discount the positive effect you will have on your child's learning experiences regardless of where they happen.
.

There is something about this line of thought that rubs me the wrong way. There are plenty of loving parents that provide solid home life that have children who do not thrive in school. Just wander over to the HSing board if need be to see what I mean. There are also plenty of kids in school who are not thriving, but have to be there (or choose to be there) for one reason or another.

While I do think most children who thrive in school come from loving involved homes, I in no way think loving/involved parents = thriving at school. It is not that simple. There are plenty of kids that do not thrive at school despite a wonderful home life.

I do not think this is relevant to this conversation, except to say I do not think the OP should automatically believe that because she has a solid home life her 5 year old will automatically thrive at school. He may or he may not. Solid homelife stacks the deck in his favour, but is not a gaurentee.

[Encinalien]

The fact that you don't want to "just send him" to school like almost everybody else does means that you've read about or heard of what you think is a better way. Otherwise you'd send your dc to kindy when he reaches the legal age without even thinking about it, unaware that it's even a choice. Make a plan. Outline references. Go to your dh with a solid plan and solid reasoning and discuss what you want to do. Even if it's unschooling paraphrase and reference the research and philosophy onto a short readable summery.

After the grown ups discuss the options, like they said, go ask dc what he wants out of school. There's other kinds of classes he can take. Or boy scouts.

[ecoteat]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

There is something about this line of thought that rubs me the wrong way. There are plenty of loving parents that provide solid home life that have children who do not thrive in school. Just wander over to the HSing board if need be to see what I mean. There are also plenty of kids in school who are not thriving, but have to be there (or choose to be there) for one reason or another.

While I do think most children who thrive in school come from loving involved homes, I in no way think loving/involved parents = thriving at school. It is not that simple. There are plenty of kids that do not thrive at school despite a wonderful home life.

I do not think this is relevant to this conversation, except to say I do not think the OP should automatically believe that because she has a solid home life her 5 year old will automatically thrive at school. He may or he may not. Solid homelife stacks the deck in his favour, but is not a gaurentee.

You are absolutely right--my point was just that the OP shouldn't discount the possibility that the good work she has done so far will continue to benefit her son in whichever situation he is in. I'm not comparing homeschool to public school. I'm comparing public school kids with strong family support to public school kids without strong family support.

[One_Girl]

I think life is a continous process of learning who you are whether you go to school or not. I don't think homeschooling or not homeschooling changes this. We learn more about ourselves as we expand our knowledge base and experience new situations. Going to school or staying home will both give your son experiences to take in that will help him decide who he is some day. That day is a long ways off though. If your son wants to go to kindergarten, and there is no really compelling reason why he should stay out of the schools in your area, I think you should give it a try and pull back if it isn't working out.

[rzberrymom]

Originally Posted by sewcool

i don't want them altering what they really want because of kids at school, or because of society, i don't want them going through the whole process of "trying to fit in" and pretending to be someone they are not, i don't want them being altered by people, i want them to learn who they are what they love how they feel without it being corrupted

I don't think you're being overprotective at all. These are very valid concerns.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

There are plenty of loving parents that provide solid home life that have children who do not thrive in school.

and there are kids who don't thrive with homeschooling.

There isn't one right answer.

And I totally agree with ecoteat -- kids with lovely involved parents tend to have a far easier time in life that kids who don't. The relationship we have with our kids is far more important than where we choose to educate them.

Either way, they will meet some nice kids and some not so nice kids.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

and there are kids who don't thrive with homeschooling.

There isn't one right answer.

And I totally agree with ecoteat -- kids with lovely involved parents tend to have a far easier time in life that kids who don't. The relationship we have with our kids is far more important than where we choose to educate them.

Either way, they will meet some nice kids and some not so nice kids.

agreed.

Really, it was just the "if the parents build a wondefull home" your child will be fine at school assumption upthread I was challenging. I don't think it is always true. (and I think the flip is awful - "your child is not thriving because you did not give them a strong sense of self, and you do not have a good home life" ) Yes, it holds for HSing - some parents are loving, supportive etc, but their child does not thrive at home.

Moreover, I do not think it is developmentally likely a 5 year old will have the sense of self needed to withstand negative environments. YMMV. I think it is asking too much of a 5 year old - hence the need to do your best to pick a good school environment for child if school is your chosen route.