i am so mad and sad and worrie- how do you get over wanting to keep your child home - Page 2

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

Moreover, I do not think it is developmentally likely a 5 year old will have the sense of self needed to withstand negative environments. YMMV. I think it is asking too much of a 5 year old - hence the need to do your best to pick a good school environment for child if school is your chosen route.

I don't think that any one of any age should have to spend a lot of time in a negative environment, but our experience with school has been VERY positive. My kids attend a wonderful public school where the staff really care about the kids, and where there are a lot of nice kids.

My kids have MORE people in their lives who care about them and like them because they go to school.

Keeping kids home because you fear the outside world is tremendously uhealthy. There are good reasons to homeschool, but that ain't one of them.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

Keeping kids home because you fear the outside world is tremendously uhealthy. There are good reasons to homeschool, but that ain't one of them.

hmmmmm....just musing here.

I do not think the desire to protect kids or shelter them from the outside world (particularly young very young kids -which is what a 5 year old is to me) is unheatlhy.

There are lots of people who limit TV, who their kids play with, etc - and while I tend to go very lightly on the "limiting of outside influences" I do not think it is wrong, per se. I think it is familial choice.

I think (my opinion - yours may vary) that children should be gradually allowed to experience, struggle with and enjoy the world outside their family. Ideally they first do it within arms reach of their loving parent, and then while parents are near, and then while other capable and loving adults are near, and then finally, on their own. I think it should be a gradual thing.

I think many 5 years old do best either with another parent or a trusted/competant adult nearby. If the OP has concerns about peer presure etc, and she chooses to put her son in school, I would question the school on ratio - particulalry on the bus and in the playground, which is where the ratio seems to often be larger.

I don't think we should make knee jerk reactions out of fear, but I don't think desiring to protect our children/have them exposed in a gradual, gentle, age appropriate way to outside world is the same as "fearing the outside world".

Kathy

[chfriend]

I feel so lucky that it was clear crystal clear with both my children that school at 5 would have been a fiasco, for different reasons.

At 9, my older dd could handle school (or darn near anything you threw at her) if she wanted to go. My younger one, still 5, would not thrive in a big group yet.

It's amazing what a very few years mean in terms of development. Shoot at 5, months and weeks!

OP, can you wait until closer to Fall to decide? It might be become more obvious as the time draws closer, both to you and to your husband. Spend that time really noticing your oldest. Is he comfortable away from you? Is he sensitive? Can process multiple directions at a time? Is he comfortable in a large group of children?

If not, you could try some all day camp experiences and see how those go.

Can you find out who your child's teacher will be? Meet with him or her and find out his or her teaching philosophy? Can you talk to parents of current kinders at his school to find out whether the current teachers would be a good match for your son?

I remember how momentous this decision felt the first time I made it. I'm sure your heart and intuition will lead you to the right decision.

[Aka mommy]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

agreed.

Really, it was just the "if the parents build a wondefull home" your child will be fine at school assumption upthread I was challenging. I don't think it is always true. (and I think the flip is awful - "your child is not thriving because you did not give them a strong sense of self, and you do not have a good home life" ) Yes, it holds for HSing - some parents are loving, supportive etc, but their child does not thrive at home.

Moreover, I do not think it is developmentally likely a 5 year old will have the sense of self needed to withstand negative environments. YMMV. I think it is asking too much of a 5 year old - hence the need to do your best to pick a good school environment for child if school is your chosen route.

Yes to the bolded. This was our assumption. We have an incredibly strong, loving, wonderful, communicative and AP home for our children which extends into the homes of my parents. My children are surrounded with it and blessed by even having teachers in their lives who were able to give us insight into what to expect. So kindergarten rolled around and off my oldest went. The first year was magical. I was in the classroom 3 times a week and while she did face some peer pressure we brushed it off to typical integration. If only i had known the signs better of bullying i'd have been able to do more for my child. And the worst part, we specifically moved to an area with the highest testing in the area and the best school district.

Then in first grade the same child who had been lightly picking on my child sexually accosted my daughter. In FIRST grade. Talk about a wake up call and feeling the guilt of never giving heed to my 'unhealthy fears' about what my child could possibly be faced in a school setting outside of my home. A mothers fears and intuition are never bad or unhealthy, it's why we are parents. We make decisions based on those feelings from everything from how we birth, feed, teach and raise our children. They aren't 100% fear based, but there is an intuition and when you are worried or fearful about your child, it's best to listen and pay heed to them.

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I don't think that any one of any age should have to spend a lot of time in a negative environment, but our experience with school has been VERY positive. My kids attend a wonderful public school where the staff really care about the kids, and where there are a lot of nice kids.

My kids have MORE people in their lives who care about them and like them because they go to school.

Keeping kids home because you fear the outside world is tremendously uhealthy. There are good reasons to homeschool, but that ain't one of them.

It's unhealthy until you are able to avoid even more unhealthy actions being taken out on your child.

[lauren]

Originally Posted by sewcool

My son wants to go to public school its 5 full days for kindergarten he is registered for school but im so nervous. My husband wants him in public school also however im on the fence heres how i feel

This is me talking about my children:

i don't want them altering what they really want because of kids at school, or because of society, i don't want them going through the whole process of "trying to fit in" and pretending to be someone they are not, i don't want them being altered by people, i want them to learn who they are what they love how they feel without it being corrupted by ... See Moreothers "commercial" views it took me 23 years to figure out who I am and Im still learning. I want them to know it because they could experience things their own way. I feel they will be much more respectable if they are not hindered if people say no all the time how can they learn what they believe is right? and who says whats "right" its unfair


am i being nuts and over protective? or should i really consider this and really think harder about homeschooling? im lost and what about the fact that i know my husband wants him in school

It is important that we respect the OP's original request. In this forum, Learning at School, the appropriate direction is to answer to the questions related to how to resolve it when you are 'on the fence' about sending your child to public school (or out of home school). Posts should focus on things that have been helpful in sending your child to school when that has been your decision, etc. OP, your second question, "should I really consider this and really thinkharder about homeschooling?" would be better placed in the Learning at Home forum.

Clarifying your questions and directing them to the intended audience would just be helpful in terms of keeping this from digressing into a learning at home vs. learning at school debate.

Members here, please focus on the Learning at School aspect of the discussion.

[ecoteat]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

Really, it was just the "if the parents build a wondefull home" your child will be fine at school assumption upthread I was challenging.

Except that isn't what I said, and that's not what I believe. I'm looking at it from the opposite direction--the kids who tend to enjoy various successes in school tend to come from homes with involved, loving, caring parents. Obviously there are no guarantees. But if the OP is looking for any reassurance that public school might work out, then she might find a bit of comfort in trusting that she is doing the best for her child as she can on her end and that will help him wherever he goes.

[Mizelenius]

I could have written your post. My oldest went to school for about a year and 3 months. She did NOT like it-- at all. On the surface (at school), things looked good: she had friends, she was cooperative, and her teachers worked hard to accommodate her academic needs. That was KG. Almost daily, she'd come home and tell me that school was too long, she hated it, etc.

The following year (2nd grade) was even worse. I saw (I went to observe) how she was coerced into trying to fit in-- with children who were not "mean." (And I don't think any child is actually mean, but I think some children have low self-esteem so they act out.) More and more, she lost her sense of self. It got bad, and fast.

I pulled her out and now we homeschool. I STILL see that same struggle go on, but the huge difference is, I am never too far away, and I have a much better sense of what goes on than I ever did when she was gone for 7 hours a day.

But, my 5 y.o. (today-- it's her b-day!) wants to go to KG. My husband is OK with HSing my oldest (he was against it before) but he would prefer the kids all just go to school, so he's all for it. I have no good reason not to send her to school since she wants to go. However, I will be much more cautious about the following year, for 1st grade.

Like a pp said, I think letting your child know that HSing is always an option is great. It absolutely does not solve every problem (and creates new ones!) but I do prefer it for many reasons. However, I completely agree that making a decision based on fear is not a good one . . .whatever you decide, do it from a place of joy. That is how I feel about sending DD to KG-- I am happy that she is getting the experience she wants. Selfishly, I hope she stops after one year, but I guess I'll have to wait and see.

[oceanbaby]

I wouldn't make the decision based on what your 5yo wants, necessarily. Neither of my children at 5 could have made an informed decision about whether they should go to school or not. At 5yo my older son thought that all school was like preschool, and at 5yo my younger son said that school was about getting to go to recess all the time.

We homeschooled at that age because I didn't feel any compelling reason to put them in school, and we really enjoyed being together during the day. I really didn't have any lofty ambitions about wanting to be their teacher or anything like that. If there had been a part time school I would probably have gone that route, but there isn't, so we stayed home. They in no way have led an overly sheltered life, but they have been allowed to develop in their own way without daily peer pressure. They would have been fine if they had gone to school, but I am glad to they had the time at home that they did.

My almost 9yo has said he wants to go to school, so unless something changes, he will be starting in the Fall. I felt that was an appropriate age to be a part of that decision. He went with me on school tours, and he has a much greater understanding of what school really is. It works better for our family to have both kids in school or both kids at home, so we will enroll both kids and see how it goes. If one or both of them is miserable, then we will probably homeschool again.

You have nothing to lose by exploring homeschooling further. My husband also was resistant to the initial idea, but once he started researching he was more gung ho than I was! So I'd say keep him registered, research homeschooling in your area, talk to some local parents, talk with your husband, share some resources with him, think about your child's personality and how he learns best, and then make the decision. And remember, you don't have to make the decision for the next 12 years. It's just for right now. I've always said that we were on the year by year plan.

[lauren]

Originally Posted by lauren

Members here, please focus on the Learning at School aspect of the discussion.

[ollyoxenfree]

I would encourage you to explore the school where he is registered and connect with the teachers and some of the families who already attend. You will gain some perspective on the atmosphere and values of the school and the community. It will allow you to make an informed decision about whether it's suitable for your child. If you think this school isn't the right one, then visit others. At the same time, carefully consider the homeschooling option along with the other school options and talk with your dh about all of the options and your reasons for preferring one placement - at school or home - over another.

Is the school in a different neighbourhood? Or do you not have much contact with the families in your neighbourhood? By age 5, most children have had a fair amount of contact with other children/families in their community, and have been confronted with the issue of different beliefs and values. "Fitting in" isn't an issue only at school - it happens whenever you have a group of people who get together. Read the homeschooling forum - plenty of threads about people who feel they don't fit in with their homeschooling group or who want advice on how to deal with others who aren't fitting in.

How have you managed these situations with your child in the past? Your ability to deal with differing values doesn't (or shouldn't) change just because the exposure happens in the schoolyard instead of the playground.

[Linda on the move]

<QUOTE>i don't want them altering what they really want because of kids at school, or because of society, i don't want them going through the whole process of "trying to fit in" and pretending to be someone they are not, i don't want them being altered by people, i want them to learn who they are what they love how they feel without it being corrupted by </QUOTE>

To be a well adjusted person means finding some sort of middle ground on this complex issue.


A person who truly doesn't alter who they are to fit other exceptations has a disability like autism. Figuring out what are the true, important parts of our self and which parts are flexible and how that fits in with empathy is really and truly complex. Homeschooling could put all that off, but it won't make the basic problem of being human and connecting with other humans go away.