what do i do im so worried, scared, going nuts DO I HOMESCHOOL OR NOT

[sewcool]

My son wants to go to public school its 5 full days for kindergarten he is registered for school but im so nervous. My husband wants him in public school also however im on the fence heres how i feel

This is me talking about my children:

i don't want them altering what they really want because of kids at school, or because of society, i don't want them going through the whole process of "trying to fit in" and pretending to be someone they are not, i don't want them being altered by people, i want them to learn who they are what they love how they feel without it being corrupted by ... See Moreothers "commercial" views it took me 23 years to figure out who I am and Im still learning. I want them to know it because they could experience things their own way. I feel they will be much more respectable if they are not hindered if people say no all the time how can they learn what they believe is right? and who says whats "right" its unfair


am i being nuts and over protective? or should i really consider this and really think harder about homeschooling? im lost and what about the fact that i know my husband wants him in school

[zjande]

Originally Posted by sewcool

am i being nuts and over protective? or should i really consider this and really think harder about homeschooling? im lost and what about the fact that i know my husband wants him in school

Well, since you're asking in a homeschooler's forum, you can probably guess how most of us feel. I thought the same things that you mentioned in your post back when I was deciding to homeschool. I wish that I could be helpful in trying to figure out how to convince your husband to think more seriously about it. I haven't been in that position myself but I know there have been several threads in this forum on the subject. Maybe you could read back, & try a search for those. Also, perhaps you could ask him to read some books with you, such as THIS, & the others listed on the subject on that page. Those books might help him out quite a bit. Good luck!

[chelsmm]

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?

I understand your concern. These are some of my concerns too. Small example, but my 2 yo ds likes to wear his sister's old pink crocs. A few times other kids have asked why he's wearing pink crocs (because of course, pink is for girls). I don't want my son feeling like he can't wear what he wants or feel how he feels because of what other children are taught or what other children might say. I know this will happen no matter what, but I figure if I keep my kids homeschooled for at least the younger years, they will develop a sense of their self and be strong when it comes to dealing with others. I don't know if that makes much sense. But I get what you are saying. It's just one of the many reasons why I want to homeschool.

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by sewcool

My son wants to go to public school its 5 full days for kindergarten he is registered for school but im so nervous. My husband wants him in public school also however im on the fence heres how i feel

This is me talking about my children:

i don't want them altering what they really want because of kids at school, or because of society, i don't want them going through the whole process of "trying to fit in" and pretending to be someone they are not, i don't want them being altered by people, i want them to learn who they are what they love how they feel without it being corrupted by ... See Moreothers "commercial" views it took me 23 years to figure out who I am and Im still learning. I want them to know it because they could experience things their own way. I feel they will be much more respectable if they are not hindered if people say no all the time how can they learn what they believe is right? and who says whats "right" its unfair


am i being nuts and over protective? or should i really consider this and really think harder about homeschooling? im lost and what about the fact that i know my husband wants him in school

Just to present a different perspective:

What you are describing is in many ways the human condition. While it's possible to postpone your child's desire to conform to the expectations of his peers, the more time he spends in your household the more likely that he may loose himself trying to conform to the expectations of his family.

Its really a no win situation imo.

Trust your son and support him the best you can as he explores the world.

[mattemma04]

I would let him go,but keep options in the open for him.

Once our kids were put into public school it was like that was the norm and expected.When things did not work out it was a struggle to get dh to even agree to a public school. If you all go into this with the idea that public school is just one of many ways to provide an education,then I think you can be more at ease with letting your child try it.

[sewcool]

i have asked this is both forums

[zjande]

Originally Posted by sewcool

i have asked this is both forums

Er, um, I wasn't trying to be snarky at all, I was just being friendly & silly. Please don't feel you need to be defensive. Also, there have been several other helpful responses to your question besides mine, did you see them?

[annethcz]

Unless you intend to keep your children home 24/7, they will be influenced by their peers. Our kids experienced just as much peer pressure at homeschool groups as they did at school. The pressure was a bit different, and not all of it was bad, but it was experienced in both places. My kids have been able to make good friends in both HS and schooling environments.

I think there are many good reasons to homeschool, but fear of peer pressure isn't a reason *I* would choose to homeschool, especially for kindergarden.

[AAK]

My oldest two have gone to kindergarten. It was a half day program, though, not full day. They have really liked kindergarten. It was fun to have a daily pattern with other kids. For us, most of the "curriculum" was review, but they didn't mind. And, they loved exploring the science/social studies topics that came up. It was fun to go to the library, music class, and PE.

That being said, now that I do homeschool them, I don't know what I will do with my third child.

Here is what kindergarten offers for parents (besides babysitting ) I was able to learn about the general "feel" of our elementary school. I was able to see how they responded to various things before becoming one of those things. I was able to go to the PTA meetings and get a feel for what the school and parents felt were valuable and important for our children's education.

I think if I were you, I would send him. But, I would also express my concerns to dh so that it doesn't surprise him later on if you are unhappy with the school experience. With him being aware of it, he might notice those things too. But, you might find out that you are lucky and the school just happens to be a great fit for you child. He might make terrific friends and have lots of fun. He may "grow" from the experience.

Good luck, it is a hard decision.

Amy

[sahmmie]

I think that if you really want to homeschool and that's where you heart is, than you should do it. You can always send him to school if you are not happy with homeschooling.

I was on the fence with my firstborn and sent her to a private school for two years, mostly due to fears and insecurities on my part about my ability to homeschool. For the most part the private school wasn't too bad, but she indeed was influenced heavily by the school environment and by her peers. That cannot be avoided, and yes it will happen regardless of whether your child goes to school or not, but it will be to a much lesser degree if they are home with you. While my dd was in school it was always in the back of my mind that deep down I wanted her home.

Anyway, I really struggled to make a decision regarding home schooling for a long time but finally decided to take the plunge last August. I am so glad I did because it's been wonderful for us as a family. Do what your heart tells you to do.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by sahmmie

I think that if you really want to homeschool and that's where you heart is, than you should do it.

Even if the child doesn't want to and the father of the child doesn't want to?

Mom should just dictate to every member of the family what happens?

[limette]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

Even if the child doesn't want to and the father of the child doesn't want to?

Mom should just dictate to every member of the family what happens?

I'm going to support Sahmmie's comment. Just from reading the numerous posts here about mom's wanting to and dad's not, the mom has usually researched her stance whereas the dad's opinion is based on vague memories of some weird homeschooled kid he met once.

My dh was absolutely opposed to homeschooling (blah blah socialization blah blah) until I told him to research his stance and get back to me with evidence to support it. I had already spent several years researching the subject so it was his turn. After a couple of days he jumped off his ship and onto mine.

As for what the kid wants, mine isn't begging to go to school but if she was, I wouldn't be leaving that decision in her hands. I'm not willing to risk her love of learning, her education or our family values, on something she really isn't capable of fully understanding.

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by limette

I'm going to support Sahmmie's comment. Just from reading the numerous posts here about mom's wanting to and dad's not, the mom has usually researched her stance whereas the dad's opinion is based on vague memories of some weird homeschooled kid he met once.

My dh was absolutely opposed to homeschooling (blah blah socialization blah blah) until I told him to research his stance and get back to me with evidence to support it. I had already spent several years researching the subject so it was his turn. After a couple of days he jumped off his ship and onto mine.

ITA. My DH didn't want to homeschool either. Part of it, I think, is because it wasn't his idea but also he knew nothing about it other than whatever ideas he already had about it in his head (not many, since he didn't know any homeschoolers).

He also just thought, this is what you do and he had real fears about our DS being locked out of the French system if he didn't start at age 3 (!!) and about him not being able to get a diploma or degree at some point.

So it wasn't a matter of me "dictating" though it did come down to having to make a choice and either way one of us wasn't going to be 100% happy with it. In my case, however, I would have been 100% unhappy with it and it would have been me dealing with all the school stuff. So I did think I had the right to say, "let's try homeschooling first".

And actually my DH wasn't all that opposed to the idea at first, but his family put a lot of pressure on him. Everytime he'd talkto his mom or sister or sometimes even a family friend, we'd end up having a tense discussion afterwards about whatever point the person had brought up.

I really wish I had thought to ask my DH to do his research and get back to me. That would have probably made for a calmer summer!

As for what the kid wants, mine isn't begging to go to school but if she was, I wouldn't be leaving that decision in her hands. I'm not willing to risk her love of learning, her education or our family values, on something she really isn't capable of fully understanding.

And really, all we know is that the kid wants to go to school. We don't know why or how much. My guess is that he's been told he'll be going and was also told positive things about it, which makes sense as the OP thought he was going to go.

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl

Just to present a different perspective:

What you are describing is in many ways the human condition. While it's possible to postpone your child's desire to conform to the expectations of his peers, the more time he spends in your household the more likely that he may loose himself trying to conform to the expectations of his family.

Its really a no win situation imo.

Trust your son and support him the best you can as he explores the world.

School is not the world. Homeschoolers are out in the world and exploring it.

"The more time he spends in your household..."?? Do you mean the more time he spends with his family? Because you say it like it's a bad thing.

I can't speak for everyone, but IME homeschooling families do not have rigid expectations for their children the way school does and the way peers can. Homeschooling families are also much more likely to toss whatever isn't working and look for a better fit for their child, rather than making the child conform. Homeschooled children tend to care less about what brand of shoes another kid is wearing or if they have a speech issue or if they are wearing a shirt with a Nick Jr character on it, etc.

I do see the difference in my son and other homeschooled kids I know. They are just more free to be themselves.

[karika]

I believe it is strange to have a 5 yr old away from its parents for any length of time. It is not something I am comfortable with personally. I feel there is an age where a person reaches a level of thought where they can reason and make decisions. Also, when they are able to have a cell phone. To me, this is when children are ready to be without parents. It is usually around 10-13 yo. I also live very differently than those around me, and have different beliefs. I teach my child different things. This is a for instance and is not the same for everyone I am sure. I believe vaccines are dangerous toxins. At a public school, vaccines will be talked about as 'good for you' safe, etc. ie- not my beliefs. I feed my child very different foods from what is at a public school, and I prepare them for her. So many things... like the public school teaches about the 'food pyramid' which is the opposite of good nutrition IMO, so again teaching something opposite my beliefs. I know my child is an individual. I know she will have to be in the world without me at some point. I know she will learn other viewpoints on life, and other beliefs. But not the overriding type when she is 5, or 6, or 8. Not until she is old enough to know what to do in a situation. It is my opinion that public school is too much of an indoctrination system. Too much stress is put on making everyone conform and learn 'rules' and following directions. Those things are all well and good, and we discuss them, but our 'rules' and directions are different than the ones that would be encountered elsewhere. OP you are really stressed about this situation. Relax. Neither decision is a commitment to that way forever and ever. FWIW my child wanted to go to public school too. She said she did. But I am not ready to let her make that decision until she is of a deciding age, as I said. And I live by consensual living mostly. Continuing to be her teacher is an extension of the attachment parenting I have done so far. I would like it much better if we all lived in tribes, like the intentional communities and our children had a one room schoolhouse on every block, where the parents teach the lessons.... but unschooling is more in fit with my philosophies so that is what we will do. In my state, it is not required for a child to attend school until the age of 8. this may be the case in your state. Perhaps you should just research it more and decide for next year. I get all my homeschool supplies through a program that diverts our tax dollars so we pay nothing for them out of pocket. You could just tell your husband and son that you will teach him kindergarten then perhaps send him to 1st grade next year, or continue being his teacher as you have been since birth. baby needs me

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl

Just to present a different perspective:

What you are describing is in many ways the human condition. While it's possible to postpone your child's desire to conform to the expectations of his peers, the more time he spends in your household the more likely that he may loose himself trying to conform to the expectations of his family.

Its really a no win situation imo.

Trust your son and support him the best you can as he explores the world.

Humans conform. It is part of what makes us so successful, the right balance of conformity and ingenuity. We have survived many leaps away from our "natural" state because we are able to be dynamic and we are judgemental enough that as a species we learn from mistakes in a way which protects our numbers. Not EVERYONE does EVERYTHING the same, but as a species, conformity is in us.

Now obviously we all DO want our kids to conform to OUR ideals - we don't raise kids with the expectation that they will dislike and disobey and disrespect us, we don't accept that they will ignore our rules and values within the home while they are still growing.

As for whether it is good or bad spending more time with the family than with peers, that is going to depend a lot on the family and the peers and what "good" means in a given context. I'm sure all of us know people who got in with a "bad crowd" and didn't perhaps get the best out of life they could have gotten, equally i'm sure lots of us have met people with toxic or even subtly detrimental families who have felt they had to fight their whole lives to be themselves. And by detrimental i don't mean bad, abusive or horrible - of my family only one other person is in any way academically minded. The rest of them do not get me, call me silly nicknames which mock my intellectual streak and are generally not the best people for me to conform to the standards of - they all love me and are good people, but if i call them excited about a paper i just read they will tear me apart and then try to get me to compare tv channels or something. We are different.

Really, knowing who you are and having the confidence to stand up for yourself is something that can be learned in ANY setting. Some folks have to travel a lot to know where Home is, and some folks don't have to leave their back yard to know where they want to be. It's very individual. Finding like-minded people might be as easy as nipping to your sibling's room down the hall, or you might have to get to a college 1000miles from home, who can know in advance?

It's really hard to know WHY a child of 5 wants to go to school. My DD is 4 and wants to go to nursery. If the primary school she will be going to had one i would send her, but i know she wants to go because of tv she's seen, and not because of any experience with that sort of setting. As it stands i'm not sending her to nursery. BUT i am getting her out into more "class" type environments because it's what she seems to want. Maybe you can try school since 2/3rds of the family are "For" it, and re-evaluate after a few months/terms?

[MrsJewelsRae]

If it were me, and dh and I were in agreement, I would homeschool despite the child wanting to go to public school. I would try other methods of curriculum and join a homeschool group to get him involved and hope that his interest in public school would fade- and at the age of 5 it most likely would. He likely got the idea from being around peers who are all going off to kindy in the fall. We homeschool for a variety of reasons- religious, social (don't want my littles being socialized by a bunch of their same age peers), academic, "over" protectiveness, etc. I don't think it's being over protective to shelter a young child from going off to a big building full of strangers by himself at the young age of 4, 5 or 6. I think in this day and age a little more sheltering is a good thing!

My kids are 6 and almost 8 and they've never expressed an interest in going to public school, they socialize quite well with other kids and make friends easily, are doing excellent academically and emotionally, and are not unhealthily attached to me in that they can't be w/o me- but I've heard them talk to each other about those poor little kids in kindergarten that are away from their mom all day long- they wouldn't want to be away from me all day every day, nor I them. I think this is healthy and normal personally.

[pigpokey]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl

Just to present a different perspective:

What you are describing is in many ways the human condition. While it's possible to postpone your child's desire to conform to the expectations of his peers, the more time he spends in your household the more likely that he may loose himself trying to conform to the expectations of his family.

Its really a no win situation imo.

Trust your son and support him the best you can as he explores the world.

To the extent my child attempts to conform to the expectations of his family, those expectations are grounded in the most unconditional love the child will ever experience, the most desireous of his future happiness, and the most aware of who he is, was and might be.

I cannot possibly understand how that could be actually described as a no-win situation for the vast majorities of families who choose to home school.

[tankgirl73]

Those talking about how great it is to conform need to read "Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers."

Sure, we all conform in certain and various ways to the expectations of the society that we are raised in. But the environment and society of the public school system is radically separate, distinct, and disconnected from the "real world" that adults live in, in our society.

Plus, the peer-focused society of the public school introduces "artificial" pressures to conform in ways that we would not otherwise. Not sure if I know how to explain this well. Maybe this way... we are programmed to conform to a large extent, in order to take advantage of the collective wisdom of our species. If a large majority of people are doing a particular thing (and surviving), then it's probably an advantageous thing to do. So it makes sense to do it.

Logically, though, we realize that's not always true. So we can use our intelligence and maturity and sometimes deliberately go against a trend rather than blindly follow it, as we are somewhat programmed to do otherwise.

A young child does NOT have the discretion, intelligence, or maturity, to realize when a certain activity or behaviour or mindset is not advantageous. And so they will follow things that are just silly, or even downright harmful -- specifically BECAUSE they are hard-wired to conform.

The question is, what do we want them to conform TO? Shouldn't it be our job, as their parents, to help protect them from pressure to conform in certain areas until they have the intelligence and maturity to evaluate and discern worthwhile trends from harmful ones? And the behaviours/etc they'd be adopting would not even be from learned adults with valuable skills and habits to pass on -- it's from other young children, just as immature. The 'value' in conforming is in picking up habits that have been proven successful in the greater community. That's not what you'd get from a cluster of immature children in an artificial institutional school society. The behaviours learned there are "how to survive in school", not "how to survive in your life and the greater society".

Anyway. The decision to homeschool is often a hard one, it's an unknown and that makes it scary. A child who wants to go to school does NOT know what's in store. In general, they think it's going to be a fun place to play and hang out with friends and have interesting activities. In reality, it's (often) sit down and be quiet, "we're not here to socialize", stifling creativity, teaching to the test, test test test test. A young child is just not capable of realizing this. If a 5yo said that he wanted to eat some junk food that you forbid in your house, or watch a violent movie you wouldn't allow, or do ANY thing because a friend did it, would you just say "of course dear, because you say so". No. You recognize that -- as much as we want to value their opinions and include them in decision-making -- there are things they're just not capable of realizing. That's where our job comes in.

As for the hubby, it's hard to say just from the poster's comments what the issues are there. Does he have legitimate arguments against hs'ing or is it just as others have said -- that he just hasn't researched it and has a knee-jerk reaction about it. If it's important to the mom that her child be homeschooled, she needs to talk about it with the dad openly and honestly. If he's a good man, he'll hear her out and look into it himself. He just wants the best for his child as well, after all.

[MrsJewelsRae]

Tankgirl- Just gotta Big ditto!

Sewcool- is dh at least open to dialogue on the subject? Cause it's only fair for him to consider your preference as well. Maybe if he knew the wealth of homeschool curriculums and options available, and the many families involved in hs groups, the support that's out there, the oodles of moms incredibly proud of their amazing hs kids, how so many hs kids are turning out not only very smart but also very social- maybe he would be more open to it. Could you possibly line up some links for him to look at? Visit a hs convention in your area? What about coming to a compromise? You get to hs for this yr of kindy and at the end of the school year you re-evaluate? If he sees how much your ds has learned and how he is blossoming despite being in ps, it may change his mind? Besides, he's not legally required to be in school likely at 5 anyhow, right? So he can always go next year if you feel it might be a better fit and your ds still really wants to go.