Grandma buying clothing- help!

[WindyCityMom]

I really don't know what to do and this is getting quite annoying, we have addressed my MIL about this but she won't quit. I'm enlisting the help of this fabulous community I'm hoping someone has gone through this. I know there are tons of threads regarding gifts and just bearing with it but it's so.hard.

Sidenote: MIL is in her late 30s, so age is not likely a contributor.

I've got two girls, 3 months old and 27 months old. Like any grandparent, MIL loves to buy clothing for our children. We try not to buy brand names, slogans, media inspired, made in china, etc. We wear natural fibers and try our hardest to keep synthetics out. My youngest has a polyester sensitivity. She just keeps buying things with everything named above.

She also buys things way way too big. And she tells everyone else those sizes as well. Example... DD1 is just now fitting into size 3T. She got clothing sized 3T for her first birthday! She was wearing 12mo clothes at that time, barely fitting into 18mos. For her (second) birthday this year, she rec'd a ton of stuff size 4, 5, and 6. No gift receipts. For valentines day she got DD2 some 9month valentines onesies from Carter's. She was ~1.5mo old at the time.

This all became even more apparent to me when I decided to do some spring cleaning this past week- I came across so many outfits. Alot of them didn't have tags because MIL wanted to be nice and wash them before she gave them to us so I wouldn't have to. Then, yesterday, she hands me two outfits for summer, size 5. They'll seriously fit DD in 2 years!

I just don't know what to do! I feel so bad when she asks to see the outfits and why DD doesn't wear them. I feel like a broken record. The boxes I cleared out went to donation, so I feel good about that, but MIL is really wasting her money and I feel terrible. She got laid off of work last year and is currently in college- she has no extra to be doing this and I feel terrible!

I talked to my DH and he told me that she probably just wants DD to be able to fit in them for awhile. I feel like she's trying to make her grow up too fast- silly, I know. We're waldorf inspired and reading and math aren't exactly what waldorf 2yos do yet she continues to hothouse DD because "she needs to be smart!". I know, it's another issue, but it goes hand in hand with the trying to make her grow up too fast thing.

Please, some kind words of advice would be awesome.

[Drummer's Wife]

I would just continue to pass them on if you don't want them.

For some people (myself included), clothes shopping for little ones is fun.

I imagine with her buying ahead, she assumes you have what you need in DD's current size, so she's trying to be helpful and getting bigger stuff. Also, many kids wear bigger than their age - so it's not too unheard of to recieve or start buying 3T stuff for a 1st Birthday. I mean, my 3 yr old is average sized and yet depending on brand and fit - he can wear a 5T top, and wears many 4T bottoms. Plus, it can be hard for an outsider, even a grandparent, to guess at sizes - so it's better to go bigger to be safe, yk?

Anyhow, if it really is an inconvenience to donate/store the excess clothing, I guess I would just let MIL know that you have plenty of clothes for the next several years, and would prefer her to use her money for something else if she insists on buying things. I dunno, though, b/c I probably wouldn't go that far to say something, b/c it can seem rude to complain/dictate with regards to gifts.

ETA: I re-read, and realize you've approached MIL about this several times - I'm not really sure what else you can do, besides flat-out refuse the clothing... If I had a little girl, I'd say send them over to me.

[WindyCityMom]

thank you, I hadn't really thought about it that way (about better safe than sorry as far as sizing goes). She does occasionally change DD into clothing that she bought (too big, so pants legs or sleeves rolled up) while she is visiting, for no apparent reason. Last month we went to a birthday party and DD was at MILs house a bit beforehand (we live in the same building). I came to get DD and she had another shirt over her shirt- for no apparent reason.

Something is just strange... I don't know. I just can't really put my finger on it but I don't get it.

[Oubliette8]

What if you made her a card to fit in her purse with your DD's sizes and pertinent info on it? I'd present it as being helpful-

"We know how much you love buying clothes for the girls, so we wrote down their current sizes for you here so you can keep it with you when you go shopping. We really appreciate your thoughtfulness. Just DD has a sensitivity to polyester, so she cant wear anything with that in it or she (breaks out into boils, turns purple for a week, whatever) Also, she's really small for her age, so if you're in doubt, buy smaller and DD2 will fit into it one day, we suspect she's going to hit a major growth spurt and totally skip some clothing sizes, so we try to only keep her current sizes around..."

I'd maybe put it on an index card and keep it simple- each girls sizes, and preferences- ie DD1- T3 tops, T2 bottoms, loves green, rabbits and stripes, no polyester- it irritates her skin

I know when I shop for my nephew, who lives on the other side of the country, I make myself a similar cheat sheet after talking to his mother- size, things he cannot have, things he loves I find it makes shopping so much easier! If I couldn't quite remember if she said 3T or 4T I would probably buy a size up because if it didn't fit, he would grow into it. I once bought him a pair of socks that took him several years to grow into- luckily they realized my good intentions. They were up front though- we love the socks, but they don't fit at all right now, its going to take awhile for him to grow into them. Luckily, I have my cheat sheet now and so I don't forget. Also, if you are having to send clothes to goodwill because the don't fit, I'd be upfront about it- DD can NOT wear polyester, if she receives any, we'll have to return it, donate it, or give it to DD2 etc. or We really don't have enough closet space to store clothes in the wrong sizes- anything that doesn't fit might get sent to goodwill

[Marylizah]

t1h
Why don't you keep them? I was really grateful to have clothes in larger sizes for DS1. It was that much less to buy when he grew.

And if she puts your DD in the clothes she got for her, it's probably just to see how she looks in the outfit your MIL picked out. I don't think that's weird, I think that's sweet.

And my DH's family always buys things in big sizes for our boys. Recently we were given a 2T raincoat for our newborn. He can't wear it now, but I'll be thrilled to have it when he's big enough.

[cschick]

How about boxing them up by size, and when your child gets to that size, sorting through them to see what clothing you and your child might like, and then donating the rest? Then your child will at least have a few outfits from your MIL to show off to her, even if they're outfits she may have purchased 2 years prior.

I buy on clearance, so I have boxes of clothing up through about size 6 right now (my child currently wears 2T tops and size 4 bottoms). It was kind of nice to look through my clothing stash this past winter and come to the realization that I already had a full summer wardrobe for this summer, and most of a winter one for next winter.

[Kuba'sMama]

I have the exact same issue with my MIL. I think I get what the problem is (you mentioned you live in an apt., so do I). We have NO basement, or EXTRA storage space. Buying things that are not usable is just a waste of our space, am I right? It frustrates me to no end, because we tell my MIL that we have very limited space for the kids clothes, and just no place for boxes of "ahead" clothes. And it's not like I foresee GAP going out of business in the next 2, 3 years (my MIL's favorite). We also talked about it to no end. What we finally did, to her chagrin (she lives in a big house with just her husband) was pack all the too big clothes in nicely marked boxes, and said "We love these clothes, they're beautiful, but much too big for our kids right now (they're currently wearing the clothes you bought 2 years ago). Would you mind if we stored these boxes here until they are ready for them?" She got the hint.
And she also changes my kids into outfits she bought, I don't mind because she gets an instant picture of how BIG those clothes are. When she looks at my very slight kids drowing in an oversize clothes, she gets that it's not just me being an annoying DIL kind of thing".

[transylvania_mom]

Originally Posted by Marylizah

t1h
Why don't you keep them? I was really grateful to have clothes in larger sizes for DS1. It was that much less to buy when he grew.

And if she puts your DD in the clothes she got for her, it's probably just to see how she looks in the outfit your MIL picked out. I don't think that's weird, I think that's sweet.

And my DH's family always buys things in big sizes for our boys. Recently we were given a 2T raincoat for our newborn. He can't wear it now, but I'll be thrilled to have it when he's big enough.

agree. I like getting bigger size clothes for my kids.
Now if I could stop my mom from buying girls clothes for my son...

[Casha'sMommy]

It's my mom, not MIL, that likes to buy the kids clothes. She asks that I keep her updated when their sizes change and/or with things I'm looking for. She will NOT, however, buy a single cloth diaper but she keeps sending us packages of sposies! It's a good thing we use them from time to time but I have had to donate three pkgs of sposies since ds was born 3.5 months ago. lol He's a porker so he grew out of nb and size 1 rather quickly. I figure the sposies don't take up that much room in our tiny house (with absolutely no storage) and, like I said, we use them from time to time.

That being said, I have some issues with my MIL wanting to buy things we don't want/need. For instance, for the last 3 years MIL has been bugging us about getting us (and three other family households) a web cam so that they can see the grandkids while talking to them. (they are 6 hours away) She wants us to get a internet calling service that she swears is free (it's not) and doesn't understand how the service even works. She also hasn't considered that dd has a hearing loss that would require us to get top of the line speakers and everyone else would have to get super duper microphones in order for dd to clearly hear and understand the conversations. DH and I figured this would cost us (not including the web cam) in the neighborhood of $200 to $300! This does not include the possibility of upgrading our sound and video cards. ummm I don't think so. I'd rather cover their travel expenses a couple times a year. lol
We have tried explaining that we don't think dd will be into sitting in front of the computer long enough or frequently enough to make this worth while. She just doesn't want to let go of this idea.

I think people just don't "hear" what you tell them sometimes. Sometimes, no matter how many times you tell them and show them, they just do. not. get what you're saying.

If I were you, I'd keep the things that your kiddos might be able to wear and either donate or sell at consignment/resale in order to buy some other things they can wear.

hth and gl!

[WindyCityMom]

Kuba'sMama is right- we have no space. We try to live a simple lifestyle (as much as possible) and clutter, even if in storage boxes, takes up to much room. We have one closet in our house. One! We have boxes already stored in MILs garage and there is no room for more.

thank you everyone for the advice!

Casha'sMommy- that must be frustrating! I know that my DH and his cousin do a video chat on Skype sometimes, I think it's free. All you need is the webcam and the mic, but then again it doesn't help the issue with your DDs hearing. Just wanted to let you know about Skype!

[Smithie]

Making up a wallet card with the current sizes is a good idea.

You might not be able to channel your MIL's retail inclinations appropriately ever - but I'd keep trying. She's closer to right than lots of MILs - she could be buying them Bratz dolls and toy guns. Forget the whole anti-logo, anti-brand thing, and just focus on COTTON clothes in THE RIGHT SIZE. Write COTTON on your little wallet card.

Bottom line is, we can't control how other people shop. But I'd keep working at this, with the goal of getting her to buy usable clothes even if the style is not YOUR first choice. Because money you don't spend on outfits is money you can put right back in your budget for something more important!

[lmbjer]

You have received some solids ideas here, I hope your mil gets the hint.

But I have to laugh reading this thread....so many of us have mil's who change our children's clothes for no apparent reason! My mil watches my kids one day a week, and when I pick them up they are always dressed in something else.

My own mother never does this unless necessary!

It doesn't bother me personally, but I really thought it was a quirk exclusive to my mil. I had no idea the problem was so rampant!

[zinemama]

Consignment stores are your friends. Believe me, there are folks who will pay good money for the sort of clothes your MIL is buying. Trade them in. You will get more if you take consignment credit, and you'll be able to find plenty of stuff you like for your girls.

Since you say you have spoken to MIL many times about this, you need feel no compunction about consigning the clothing.

[Hoopin' Mama]

So, MIL is not the only one who does this!
It's the strangest thing, she consistently buys THREE sizes too big, sometimes up to five sizes too big. It's so puzzling. Dh and go through the boxes of her clothes a couple times a year and he decides what he wants to keep and the rest we donate. He chooses to donate most of it. She tends to buy very dark colors - dark olive green, navy blue - and he prefers bright colors.
We currently have a pair of size 10 spiderman pj's in the closet. He is a 4T.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

When dd was born dh bought 8 HUGE boxes of clothes for dirt cheap from a co worker. I went through them all and put them in boxes with sizes wrote on there. They ranged in size from newborn up to 5years old. I literally didnt have to buy dd any clothing all those years unless I just wanted to. It was great and saved us more money than I can calculate.

So unless you just dont like them keep them for your kids to grow into and be thankful that is $ you wont have to spend in the future.

For what its worth I always buy my kids clothes a size to big and adjust them with a belt or whatever so that they can get more wear out of them. Same goes for shoes a size to big so they have room to grow into them.

[Tjej]

My mom does this. I've explained my thoughts about ethical clothing manufacture in other conversations (not in direct response to her gifts). And about natural fabrics (I use the sweat factor). It doesn't really help.

I just have the clothes organized as "next season" and "even bigger" and once the kids have swum around in the shirt/whatever while Grandma is here I box it in the appropriate place. I will/have donated a few things that we really can't use or that will be much more of a burden for me to use than to give away (the 50th pair of socks that are just barely about to be grown out of and the black pants for my son when we have a blonde shedding dog come to mind...).

My MIL usually buys the exact size for the kids or even a little small. I find this much more difficult. They get to wear the stuff a couple of times, or it shrinks in the wash, and I just end up feeling bad about her waste of money.

I think the above idea of making a nice box for the big clothes and having the clothes stored at your mom's house is brilliant. My mom would probably handle that well (if she lived nearby).

And for the webcam thing, it can be really cheap. We do that with my parents and it cost about $30 each for a webcamera with mic and that was it. We use MSN chat, but are thinking about switching to skype. It is fun for the grandparents and the kids. I would think that even without a special mic your DD could enjoy seeing them.

Tjej

[karika]

I like all the replies. I do store things for dd2 from dd1 (5.5 yrs apart) but sounds like you don't have the room. The consignment idea is good. I feel like most importantly perhaps is getting these women help for their shopping addictions. It sounds as though they are buying size and fabric inappropriate items, which screams compulsive shopper to me. Maybe they are seeing something on sale and buying it, regardless of whether it is something that can be used. Do they have useless items all over their own home? New outfits (for themselves) in their closet that they bought last year but have never worn? Many people suffer from compulsive shopping now, so it shouldn't be embarrassing to bring up. One good way to help a compulsive shopper is to shop only at the thrift stores, then at least they aren't spending so much money and wasting so many resources (by buying new), as well as supporting sweat labor (which is, in itself a reason to never buy new unless you have to)

[donutmolly]

We have a similar issue with the IL's over clothes and things they buy for our DD's -- it does kill me to see them waste their money, especially when we could really use that money to buy stuff we could actually dress our kids in. I haven't given up the conversation yet, and try to keep my focus on the fact that they are expressing love for our kids. Not in the way I would choose, but so be it.
I love the consignment suggestion! Often you can use your store credit to buy more at the store, so you can pick gently used stuff that would work.

[WindyCityMom]

Originally Posted by karika

I like all the replies. I do store things for dd2 from dd1 (5.5 yrs apart) but sounds like you don't have the room. The consignment idea is good. I feel like most importantly perhaps is getting these women help for their shopping addictions. It sounds as though they are buying size and fabric inappropriate items, which screams compulsive shopper to me. Maybe they are seeing something on sale and buying it, regardless of whether it is something that can be used. Do they have useless items all over their own home? New outfits (for themselves) in their closet that they bought last year but have never worn? Many people suffer from compulsive shopping now, so it shouldn't be embarrassing to bring up. One good way to help a compulsive shopper is to shop only at the thrift stores, then at least they aren't spending so much money and wasting so many resources (by buying new), as well as supporting sweat labor (which is, in itself a reason to never buy new unless you have to)

I didn't even think of that! MIL actually had a thrift store splurging habit a few months back and we got tons and tons and tons of stuff. She found alot of neat handmade stuff too so that was pretty good- she also got alot of stuff too big which was a bit of a burden. I agree with the compulsive shopping... she is currently in the process of trying to decultter her and FILs room and clothes because they have two big closets, under the bed storage, and two big dressers full of clothing and shoes. Her 15yo daughter has this issue as well and owns probably 100 pairs of shoes and an extremely large amount of clothing. My husband sees this as a big problem since MIL lost her job- thank you, thank you for opening my eyes about this. Perhaps that is the real problem. I didn't even think of that.

[mamadebug]

There are really two issues here - that she buys clothes in sizes that are way bigger than what your kids are currently wearing and that you don't agree with her choice of clothes.

In regards to size, she may think you have enough stuff that currently fits and is helping you save stuff for later. I buy a lot of DS's clothes on sale and do this myself. Especially with baby stuff, many kids outgrow stuff really quickly and in my experience, people tend to give little baby outfits. Truthfully, I didn't need that many little baby outfits, and would have preferred to have the sizes more spread out.

In regards to slogans, brands, materials, etc, I totally get where you are coming from because I tend to try to dress my DS the same way. But, it is a choice based on ethics and what you feel is socially right, environmentally right, age appropriate for how you are raising your kids... Those are choices that you have made, and you can't really expect that others are going to follow the same guidelines. Also, it is more expensive to buy natural fibers and avoid clothes made in China. If she is on a limited income, she may not be able to afford the other stuff. She may prefer to buy quantity rather than quality (not my choice, nor it sounds like yours, but you have to respect her choice).

Ultimately, it is a gift. People can give whatever gift they like. You can do whatever you feel like doing with the gift once it has been given to you. I would be totally honest, in a kind way, with her when she asks why your DD isn't wearing the clothes. "It is 2 sizes too big" or "DD gets a rash from polyester". It doesn't really seem like something to get too annoyed about, though. She is taking an interest in your kids and spending her limited resources on them. I would try to see the generosity of her heart and overlook that she doesn't get it quite right.