Christian mamas, help me be a grace-filled mom

[Grace and Granola]

So, I've been searching through the GD forum looking for answers with no luck. Feeling a little bit hopeless seeing try this trick or that trick to deal with your toddler--which I've tried them all!....until I was reading the "free will" thread here in sprituality. And then I realized that maybe I need to hash this out with my sisters in Christ.

This is the statement, made by Shami (thanks, Shami, I hope this is ok!), that inspired me to post here.

"When I am in my spirit and contacting the Lord, God is my source. When I am in my flesh, either lusting or losing my temper, Satan is my source. I have to choose whether to be in my spirit or in my flesh. Then there is my soul, which I believe contains my mind, emotion, and will. Sometimes I am just wandering around in my mind without a thought of God. Or I may be in my unstable emotions."

I totally agree with this statement.

I have 2 boys ages 3 and 4. I have also started taking on babysitting a 1yo, which is a TON of work. I am finding myself more and more short-fused. My life, in general is stressful, marriage is not exactly where I'd dreamed it would be, finances are tight, you know, the usual stressful stuff! But my kids seem to be the trigger that causes me to boil over. I am with them 12 hours per day, I understand why I do it. I just need to figure out how to not do it. I have come to realize that I need to change ME, not them. If I can get myself in a more grace filled place, it would change the entire dynamic, kwim?

There is a new mom at my church. She seems to be saturated in the Holy Spirit. I can see that her house is filled too. And that's where I want to be. I have tried starting my day out praying with my children and singing praise songs and reading the Bible. Which sometimes works, or sometimes the kids aren't interested and that just sets me off right from the beginning!!


So, my question is, in your day to day struggles, especially in the chaos of managing kids, how do you access grace and patience through the Holy Spirit? When I am alone, I have a running conversation with God in my head, but in the thick of things, He is definitely not my source. I hope you all know what I am saying. Thanks!

[Purple Sage]

I am so right there with you! In fact, just last night I was praying a lot about this, and I hope we can support each other because I know I could use the support, too.

My three younger kids are dd 6, ds 3, and dd 13 months - so I know where you're coming from! - and I also have a 13 year old dd which is stressful in a different way. My marriage and finances are pretty good right now, but I've definitely been through some very hard times with both, and I know exactly how you feel about the children being the trigger for things boiling over.

I'm trying to concentrate on how we are taught in James 1 and Romans 5 to rejoice in our trials because they are what builds our character and patience. They are the true opportunities for us to see God at work in our lives. The hard part, of course, is to stop in the moment when I sense myself getting angry and think about that instead of actually getting angry and reacting in a way that I will later regret. But can you imagine what it would be like if every time something goes wrong (or something annoying happens or whatever) we find joy in it?? How amazing would that be? So I'm praying a lot that I can stop in the moment and find the joy there when my kids are really working my patience. This is the chance to prove that God's power is greater than any other, and that is truly a joyous occasion.

I'm not sure if any of that is helpful to you, but it's what has been on my mind lately.

I also found strength in what Shami wrote on the other thread (and I hope she doesn't mind me quoting here!):

Anyway the formula goes like this:

FAILURE + REPENTANCE = BUILDING

One of my regular prayers is, Lord, let all things be done for the building up.

Even our failures are opportunities to gain Christ, grow in His life, contact Him and talk to Him about everything. I actually believe that failures are necessary in our Christian life. They are necessary because if we lived victoriously all the time, we could not have compassion on anyone else on earth. We could never relate to or minister Christ to others if we didn't have failures. How proud would we be if God never allowed failures? We would never turn to God if we were perfect. And the Lord made a provision for our failures. That provision is the cleansing power of the blood. Once you have confessed, the Bible says that God forgets that sin. We may not forget, but God does.

[Grace and Granola]

Originally Posted by Purple Sage

I am so right there with you! In fact, just last night I was praying a lot about this, and I hope we can support each other because I know I could use the support, too.

My three younger kids are dd 6, ds 3, and dd 13 months - so I know where you're coming from! - and I also have a 13 year old dd which is stressful in a different way. My marriage and finances are pretty good right now, but I've definitely been through some very hard times with both, and I know exactly how you feel about the children being the trigger for things boiling over.

I'm trying to concentrate on how we are taught in James 1 and Romans 5 to rejoice in our trials because they are what builds our character and patience. They are the true opportunities for us to see God at work in our lives. The hard part, of course, is to stop in the moment when I sense myself getting angry and think about that instead of actually getting angry and reacting in a way that I will later regret. But can you imagine what it would be like if every time something goes wrong (or something annoying happens or whatever) we find joy in it?? How amazing would that be? So I'm praying a lot that I can stop in the moment and find the joy there when my kids are really working my patience. This is the chance to prove that God's power is greater than any other, and that is truly a joyous occasion.

I'm not sure if any of that is helpful to you, but it's what has been on my mind lately.

I also found strength in what Shami wrote on the other thread (and I hope she doesn't mind me quoting here!):

Thanks for your reply, I am at least glad to know that I am not alone in this!

The part I bolded above, I absolutely LOVE! What a great example it would be to show your children that God's power is greater and that THEY can rejoice in their struggles.

Of course, I know all of this in my HEAD...I think it is going to be a matter of practice before it becomes a natural reaction.

In the fall, a few of us moms from my church started a small group to work through a christian parenting book. The book is wonderful, but the one thing we kept coming back to is, it's not about the children, it's about ME. What am I modeling for them, what is my source of strength, why am I reacting so strongly, etc.

When you quoted Shami.... before I read the explanation, I saw FAILURE + REPENTANCE = BUILDING and I immediately agreed, although I took it as a great example of how to build my kids up. When I fail and repent to THEM I am building our relationship and they're learning from my modeling of how to interact with others in their failings.

I received a huge gift from God the other day when I witnessed my 3yo experience true repentance. I really didn't think it would be possible that young. He had told me a lie about eating a jelly bean, and I was way more upset about the lie than the jelly bean, so we talked about lying and how it hurt my feelings and it would be more pleasing to God if he were just to be honest with me, etc. That's a total summary, it was a very serious conversation that I actually think I handled well. After I talked to him about why we shouldn't lie, his little lip quivered and he said, "I'm sorry Mommy, will you forgive me?" It was so sincere. And I knew right then that he had learned that from me. Because since I have felt like such a wretched mother, I have really been practicing my asking for forgiveness from my children when I get off track. And how else would they learn that if not by my example. So, I am really seeing how God is using me and my faults to teach my children. But it is not easy!!

[newcastlemama]

Great topic Sisters! s

We do a lot of Bible studies by Tim Keller at our church and many sin issues seem to come back to idols. An idol can be a good thing made into an untimate thing. So with the kids for example, if I am making having a clean house into an idol then I will lose it on my kids when I think they are in the way of me achieving what I think will ultimately make me happy. I don't know if that makes sense. (I can explain it more if you like). An idol is also something you base your identity or happiness on besides Jesus Christ. This teaching has been so libertating for me.

I have also read to that when we yell/lose it/impatient with our kids we really need to attack it as sin. My kids really just expose my self-centeredness and impatience and show me where I need to grow. I repent for being so selfishness and ask the Lord to fill me with his Spirit so I can love.

Something that also help me is to play praise music in the background much of the day and have Bible verses written and on the fridge about what I am struggling with. Generally when I am impatient/irritated with my children it is because I am selfish and do not want to die to myself and serve AND I am making something an idol (mine are usually a clean house, getting things done, sleep, time alone,...not bad things, but thy become ultimate things). I have to keep reminding myself that Jesus is my everything and seek out my joy in Him all day long. Really realizing that I am a sinner in need of God's grace every second also helps me to be more patient and grace oriented toward my children.

Let's be praying for each other to be filled with the Spirit this week so we can extend love and grace towards our children We can cry out to the Lord to help us!

14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens,[e] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Jen

[Grace and Granola]

Jen, you are SO right on! It really is about them interrupting what I am trying to accomplish. So, here are my idols, I CONFESS!

-Alone time. This is when they are supposed to be "resting" and I am on MDC or watching a show just vegging in the silence of the house. This usually goes bad fast!

-Getting the house clean. I am not an avid housekeeper, but when I get my mind set on accomplishing something I want it done.

-Being the perfect mom. This is the one that gets me. When my kids bicker and fight and speak harshly, it cuts me to the core. And I realize that they are speaking as I have spoken to them and I feel they are reflecting my bad parenting. It angers me and causes me great anxiety. I need to let go, and find my worth as a child of God instead of "parent of the year."

Thanks for this! It helps to get it out and hope that tomorrow I can think on these things. I also love the idea of praise music playing, I KNOW that would help, and the kids love it too!

[newcastlemama]

I am so happy it helped! The best thing is that when you identify your idols, you get right to the root and repent so you can grow! It has been so lifechanging for me

[Shami]

Oh Yay! I can't wait to participate in this thread with all of my sisters in Christ! I need so much support in this area of parenting. I just so tired right now and ready to lay my tired body down.

I am really thanking the Lord that some of what I wrote was encouraging and am happy for you to quote it.

Everything I write on here are from things I read or messages I heard. Or, it was from someone shepherding me through a situation and it stuck with me. I think this is really what the Christian life is about. Speaking to one another words of encouragement to build up the body of Christ in love. So we all have a portion of Christ to bring to this thread. Let all things be done for the building up! Amen!

Idols are a biggy! I even went through all of my stuff from my life before Christ. Any item that felt like it was stuck to my heart or that I felt that I loved more than the Lord, I burned it or sledge hammered it! When someone first suggested this, I thought it sounded crazy and ridiculous, but it was the one of the most freeing experiences I have had.
There were some things that were not material things. For instance a past relationship with a man that was physically over, but not over in my heart. I wrote this down on a piece of paper and burned it.

Then I consecrated my future relationships to the Lord. I told the Lord that I only wanted to marry the brother that You have chosen. I gave up dating at that point. I should say the Lord caused me to give up dating. It was really Him doing it in me and giving me the strength to give up dating. I could never do that in myself apart from Christ!

Wow was that freeing!

This is a great thread G and G! I too have searched the GD forums and tried to implement a lot of it, but continue to fall short daily. But the good news is that when we fall short, that is when God can come in and do it! We just need to call on His name, Oh Lord Jesus, Oh Lord Jesus!

Calling is a life practice. Calling on the name of the Lord started way back in Gen 3 with Enosh. The name Enosh means weak and frail. It was Enosh who began to call on the Name. I have a huge footnote in my Bible about calling and all of the verses where God's people called on Him. It seems like it is a lost practice. In Act 9, it says that Saul, who is now Paul, found the people who followed Jesus by going house to house and listening for those who called on His name. Then Saul would bind them up and send them to prison.
Calling on the Name of the Lord Jesus is not a small thing. When you call, you get the Person of that Name, Jesus. You get Jesus!

Sometimes in the morning, since you mentioned your morning time with the Lord, I'll just sit and call on His name over and over as a sort of spiritual breathing. Meditating on His Name is so sweet. His name is the highest name.

Sorry, I wrote way more than I planned...loooonnnnggg!

Here is the verse about burning your things.

Acts 19:19
19 And a considerable number of those who practiced magic brought their books together and burned them before all; and they counted up the price of them and found it to be fifty thousand pieces of silver.

Just to mention, they did this burning corporately and it is my guess that it was for the testimony before God, Satan, and man they they were now believers and wished to no longer live as unbelievers.

[Shami]

I forgot to say that the Spirit is so real! I was thinking about you all and this thread earlier when I didn't have time to post.

I told myself to remember to post this passage:

14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens,[e] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

I came here and Newcastlemama had already posted it.

I just believe that this thread will be blessed! It's so neat when God does stuff like that!

[genifer]

Well, Im subbing gals. I dont know that I have anything in the way of wisdom to add here, as alot's already been said (and I agree with what Ive been able to read so far).

something I have to remember is this..

I have come to realize that I need to change ME, not them.

This goes for my dh as well. My kids are getting older, 10yo twins (almost 11) and a 9yo. I had stopped fretting about them a long time ago and it took a little longer to stop fretting about my dh, but I did get there. I came to a point where I said 'Lord, its me I need help dealing with! Its me I need to change'...

There are some things that are nothing to do with my family that are deep rooted issues that as time has gone on, are very nasty weeds in my heart. Im almost ashamed to admit them really, vaguely Ill just say vanity is one of them. It sounds trivial, but as I get older the reality of it is hitting me harder then I thought it would, ykwim? wrinkles, stretch marks, weight gain. Fear of weight gain is a major issue, for me anyway. Im quite thin and it can become an obsession to stay thin, you put on weight and fret about 'needing to lose it', you lose the weight and fret about maintaining it.

I am ready to let it all go. Seriously.

I dont know about anyone else, but I find I go in cycles. I dont want to walk away from the Lord, I want to simply keep growing. It can become like you are wading in thick mud up to your knees. I dont know if anyone else here is in a stage like that, but thats where I am. I am pressing on tho. Im not going to sit down and wallow in the mud. Im going to continue doing all that I have been doing all these years because the thought of not growing in Christ, of staying in the 'mud' is disgusting.

Now, altho the Lord gives me strength to wade thru the thick mud, at the same time Im being strengthened by the thick mud. My spirit is becoming more willing to rely in Him for every step, my body is getting stronger (in a real and figurative sense), which if you look at proverbs 31, being a strong woman is NOT frowned upon by God.

In this time Im also learning wisdom and teaching my kids that altho Im mum, Im still human and I make mistakes, so I apologise to them, genuinely, when I do make mistakes...

The other practical things I do are the obvious ones. I pray, I repent (sounds so formal, lol). I cry out for strength, I praise, I read the word. It gets tough ladies, but he who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it. Getting us to 'this' point is part of that process...

[genifer]

Grace and granola, one thing I do is actively put all my fretting, fears, anxieties, disappointments, everything that is what I guess would be called an idol down before the Lord. I ask him to show me what is real and percieved, what is of Him and ask him to just take what is not. I sometimes sit there in His presence. Meditating on the word is important, very, and making time to do that, on my own is essential. I dont get a lot of time to do so when the kids are off school, and I am at my best when I do this if they are in school.

This thread is kind of a kick in the pants Ive needed to get back up again. Theres a lot of details Ill not share, but really there is nothing I can do about those, they are out of my control. So I just lay it all down, and ask to be filled again.

[Purple Sage]

A huge YES here on the idols thing. Clean house, alone time, wanting the kids to "just do what I say"....and even my weight (thanks Gen for bringing that up ) are idols that I need to let go.

And thanks NCM for this:

I have also read to that when we yell/lose it/impatient with our kids we really need to attack it as sin. My kids really just expose my self-centeredness and impatience and show me where I need to grow. I repent for being so selfishness and ask the Lord to fill me with his Spirit so I can love.

Exactly what I need to hear and do!

I'm praying for all of us in this thread that we all grow as individuals, mothers, and children of God.

[Grace and Granola]

Good morning sisters!

Sorry I haven't been on until now. I've been too busy enjoying my children instead of trying to get rid of them to get on MDC!!

But seriously, I really did try to not get on the computer today until my kids were engrossed in something else. And even then, I vowed that I would not get so involved that I couldn't walk away, joyfully, to give my kids the attention they need.

Does everyone know about pandora.com? it plays music according to your musical taste. I set it up to play some praise music and my usually, more difficult, 3yo and I had a great morning listening to music and just *being.*

There's nothing like hearing your preschoolers burst out into song, "My God is might to save, He is mighty to save!"

How is your day going?

[Grace and Granola]

Ok, where are all of my grace-filled friends? Out conquering the world?

We ended up having a pretty grace filled day. Now let's see how bedtime goes....

[Shami]

Hi Sisters!
Here's a little song about God saturating us with His divine life.

Drop by drop
The Lord will get inside of you
Drop by drop
in your mind, emotion, will
Drop by drop
the vessel that the Lord has made
He will wholly fill!

May we be filled to the point of saturation!

Have any of you ever seen a piece of transformed wood?
In nature, sometimes a piece of wood will fall into running water, like a river. As the water rushes over the wood, the old natural element of the wood gets replaced with the minerals and elements of the water causing it to turn to stone.
The fascinating part is that it looks like the original piece of wood, yet when you pick it up, it is a heavy stone.

This is a wonderful picture of our transformation in the Lord. He is adding Himself to us and reconstituting us with His divine nature. Drop by drop the Lord is dispensing Himself into us, flowing like a river into our being, washing out the old element and adding Himself to us. We will still look like us, but we can express Christ to our children. We are so organically joined to the Lord.

Oh the weight issues!!! It's good to be reminded. This is one area that I've got to find the Lord somehow. I think I have given it to Him, but I am stuck.

G and G loved that story of repentance from your 3 yr old. Sweeeet!

2 Corinthians 3:18

18 But we all with unveiled face, beholding and reflecting like a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, even as from the Lord Spirit.

[genifer]

Shami, thats a beautiful picture of how we are being changed...

Now, I think Im in a different place then you guys. I had gotten to a place where I needed to be more full of grace a few years ago, Im now at a place where its become something of a mundane thing to continue in what Ive learned in the past. But the wonderful thing (that I always find SO amazing when it happens) was that for a few weeks now, Ive just been kind of wandering, not hearing God's voice, not sensing His direction, still obeying the best I know how, using all the 'tools' Ive learned already (bible study, prayer, praise, etc) just sort of plodding along... Then all of a sudden Im gettin bible verses personally pop into my head, or my reading will lead me somewhere specific in the Word. Then, Ive been taking a break from going to church (long story) and just seeking God myself, I go to church for the first time in weeks and the message seemed almost designed for me, just for me! All the bible verses Id been thinking of, reading over in the Word, the message about God knowing where I am, that he sees what I do, knows my struggle (even got specific about the mundanity of life, drudgery)... and the same message about just keep going in His strength. He knows the end and its not unimportant!

anyway, gonna go and read a bit b4 kids wake...

You gals are lovely. Im so glad we've found a little group of likeminded believers! It IS wonderful knowing Christ and seeing Him at work in our lives. SO wonderful!

God bless you gals in Christ!!

[Purple Sage]

Good morning (or afternoon/evening depending on where you are) everyone!

Shami, that was a beautiful post - thank you!

G&G - I'm happy you had a good day yesterday. Being off the computer helps so much! I work from home on the computer, and I know it's time to take a break when my 3 year old starts misbehaving - it's like flipping a switch on his behavior when I close my laptop.

Gen - I appreciate you sharing what's going on with you because it is always encouraging to see someone go through the normal ups and downs of spiritual growth and keep going. Would you mind sharing the verses you're referring to about drudgery? I think I need to read them, too.

Yesterday I had a bit of a bad attitude. I did not want the kids interrupting me while I worked (like that's ever going to happen ) and did not want to be working in the first place! I basically felt resentful that I had to do all the ordinary things that I always have to do....just pure laziness. But it's okay now...hashed things out in prayer last night, and I know today is going to be a better day.

Hope you all have a wonderful day today! Thanks to each of you for being here!

[Grace and Granola]

Good morning sisters!

I feel so blessed to have found you all.

Genifer, thank you for sharing your story. I went through a spiritual drought of about 7 years! Not in a lack of faith, more like a lack of zeal. I know the feelings you described. I am just now coming back and starting to sense a flicker of the fire I once had.

When I was feeling the drudgery, I read something in a book that really helped me. It reminded me that the work I do, the cleaning, the bum wiping, the endless cooking, all of my work is unto the Lord. HE is my boss. I may do the most thankless jobs that many people do not even notice, but God notices.

Colossians 3:23-24

23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Shami-Thanks for that little song, I wish I had any clue of the melody! I'll come up with something I love little songs like that to sing with the kids. They are short and catchy and they really like them! Oh how I LONG to be filled to the point of saturation!

Purple Sage- Good luck with getting your work done today. How many hours per day do you have to put in? I can't imagine trying to get any serious work done in the midst of children! I hope it goes well for you today. Remember that whatever goes on, YOU are beloved child of God.

Blessings ladies! Can't wait to hear more from you. Just starting my day reading your posts sets me off on a more grace filled note.

[Shami]

God Morning, Sisters!
I was really watered by all of your posts. Not much time. Flying out to visit the Grandparents, my parents.

As usual I am packing last minute! It's when I am in a hurry that my temper flares the most,so I am praying to the Lord to fill me to overflowing and hide me from the enemy and that the enemy would have NO ground to operate in my day. I also pray this for you all. Amen.

[newcastlemama]

Hi mamas,
I am praying for a Spirit and grace filled day. I have been through a few days of darkness, but some fellowship and discussion last night helped me. I go through cyclical times where I really feel that the adversary is trying to devour me. I am simply focusing on the gospel and the cross today and looking for mercy as a daughter.

I hope to come an post more when I can.
Jen

[Grace and Granola]

For my friends who are rushed, stressed and distressed, remember these things--

Philippians 1:6
6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Matthew 11:28-30
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers (sisters!), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.