How to explain cosleeping to MIL?

[FloridaBorn]

My MIL has been very generous in that she's been collecting no longer used items by my husband's siblings and has given us a great basinette and totally unused carseat, in addition to a zillion onesies and some nice clothes. I appreciate all this because I'm a first timer and have no idea what to buy; I don't really enjoy shopping.

Well, yesterday she wanted to know if I had a crib yet and I said that Jim and I were going to try cosleeping. She asked what that was and I explained it to her. She sarcastically responded, "Well that's great but what are you going to do if the baby gets sick in the night or wets the bed?" Um... the same thing I would do if the child got sick or wet the crib? Get up and see about it!

I got the feeling that she and my SIL had a good laugh at my expense once we got off the phone. Getting a little tired of her "advice." How should I go about explaining cosleeping to those who ask?

[chocolatefish]

Honest answer? You don't bother!

Seriously though, I didn't really plan to cosleep but lots of friends did tell me that when they were BF at night it was so much easier to just bring baby into bed with them rather than sit up with the baby. And if after the 2nd or 3rd feeding of the night you all drift off to sleep together... So my response has always been that it makes nighttime BF much easier. End of.

People are alway going to question your parenting decisions. But you can choose not to discuss them!

[FloridaBorn]

I did mention that to her yesterday... that I would be breastfeeding and cosleeping would make that much easier during night feedings. Then she went off on a tangent about how "she tried to breastfeed but it just didn't work."

Next question: how to I politely avoid discussing my parenting decisions? LOL!

[bender]

Even though we cosleep, having a crib has been handy as well. It gives us a safe place to put him down. It may not be a bad idea to have it in the house (especially since it's free); you never know what will work for you until the baby is actually here.

[aurora_skys]

pp brings up a good point. Also you can "side car" a crib to your bed. Gives baby a firm mattress to sleep and play on while mommy and daddy are...busy ifykwim

As far as explaining your choices, keep replies concise and do not allow your choices to be debated. It takes practice!

[basje]

Oh MIL's

I use my bassinet raised on the highest setting as a changing table, it seems safer to me than the traditional kind, especially when she starts rolling. If it comes up again, I would re-enforce your desire to breastfeed with something like, "Co-sleeping will allow me to nurse her at night, while getting more sleep if she was in a crib. So we're not planning on using one, but thank you for the offer. That was really thoughtful." Honestly, learning to breastfeeding was harder than I expected and for the first few weeks the only way I could get a good latch was by side/lie nursing.

You're MIL does have a point about the mess in the bed, so what I do is put down one of the fleecy crib sized blankets for her to sleep on. By the morning there's enough breast-milk, vomit, sweat or pee to necessitate washing it and putting a new one on. Saves me from needing to change the sheets every day though, and it's an easy thing to replace in the middle of the night if it get's wet.

Let her laugh, you're the one who is accountable for your parenting choices. And if you're confident about them what she, or anyone else thinks, won't really matter. You know what's best for your LO and your family and it's different for everyone. If you need some back up though, believe Dr. Sear's books go over how to handle family being critical of co-sleeping.

[blessedwithboys]

no need to explain, it none of her biz

[pacificbliss]

I found before my first was born no matter what I said I would get the, "well, we'll see how you feel after the baby is here." to which I had no real effective comeback. I mean of course, you have to get to know each little one. That said certain things were not negotiable. Spanking for example. Yes Dh turned out just fine yadda, yadda, yadda but that doesn't mek it right. Honestly, for now it might be easier just to smile and nod. As you mentioned she is doing lots of very nice things for you right now. I would probably let her get the crib. Who knows, it might be useful someday. We put laundry in ours for quite a while. After the baby comes just smile and say, this works well for my family.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by bender

Even though we cosleep, having a crib has been handy as well. It gives us a safe place to put him down. It may not be a bad idea to have it in the house (especially since it's free); you never know what will work for you until the baby is actually here.

Unless you have a very crowded house, and no space for it a crib is a very handy item.

It can be used to store laundry. It can be used to contain the baby during times when you need to do something like pee, or DTD, or cook, and when the baby can roll over not a bad idea for napping times. It can be used to store toys. It can be used with the railing off one side pushed against your bed (sidecar) to give you bed a little extension.

Chances are you will co-sleep anyway. Having a crib in the house will not force you to use it as it is intended, and meanwhile, it will give your MIL and SIL a sense of serenity to think they have brought you to your senses. Furthermore if you ever need to have them come to babysit for you for whatever reason there will be somewhere they will feel is safe for putting your baby down to sleep.

To the other point what to say when they ask what it is or why?

1st you can point out the convencience of it, but then you should feel free to e-mail them the copious amounts of research that shows it is ideal for emotional development and health.

http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading..._slepping.html

http://attachment-parenting.suite101..._of_cosleeping

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/0...ping-benefits/

And if she mentions the issue about bed wetting here is a great solution:

http://www.parttimeec.com/ec-mats-sh...-directory.htm

maybe she could register you for some of those, or the money you save on all the free loot she's getting could be directed towards them.

[FloridaBorn]

Our house is *small* -built in 1953- and there's not enough room in the bedroom to sidecar a crib. I'll barely be able to fit a bassinette on my side of the bed.

Although a free crib would be great... I honestly don't know where I'd put it, other than the living room!

[Breeder]

I got this from my parents and in-laws about co-sleeping AND baby wearing AND cloth diapering. All with the "well, we'll see" and my reply was always "yep, we sure will. I'll keep doing what I do until it doesn't work for us."

Oh and the breastfeeding. I hate the "let's tell the pregnant woman about how we failed" attitude that some people get. To counter-act her negativity I'll offer you this: my mother and all of my friends and myself all were able to nurse our babies. It's hard sometimes but a majority of women can do it. The odds are in your favor.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by Breeder

Oh and the breastfeeding. I hate the "let's tell the pregnant woman about how we failed" attitude that some people get. To counter-act her negativity I'll offer you this: my mother and all of my friends and myself all were able to nurse our babies. It's hard sometimes but a majority of women can do it. The odds are in your favor.

Arg! Me too! I mean as a species we would not have been able to survive and evolve to the point where were able to produce formula for those mothers who couldn't if the percentage of failed breastfeeding relationships in the past were anything close to what they are today. Now there is formula, and it is great and it saves lives, but I suspect a large amount of mothers who "tried but just couldn't" just didn't have to and no one gave them the support and information to help them do it, because it's not a necessity anymore.

Is it painful at first? yes. Is it hard? yes. Does it require some degree of self-sacrifice? Yes. Is it worth every scabby nippled teeth-gnashingly painful gulp to get to the serenity of a milk drunk baby who you know is getting everything they need from you? YES!

[pintsized]

My partner and I have planned to co-sleep throughout the entire pregnancy, we've gotten our share of questions about it from family, and I'm sure I'll be hearing more safety concerns as the due date draws closer (may 8th!), but there are a few things that have curbed such questions...

We live in a small apartment now, and will have to downsize after the kid is born so we've been telling people we couldn't even fit a crib in the apartment even if we wanted to (act like you'd be interested in having a crib when you say this with a regretful sigh, haha).
We put a pack n' play on the registry (it's got a bassinet, changing table, play pen). They're relatively inexpensive, collapsible, transportable, can be used for sleepovers with relatives and can be used even after the bassinet becomes obsolete. We don't know how much we'll actually use it, but having one on the registry and claiming it will be the kiddos bassinet when needed has at least momentarily curbed any crib questions.
Even when people keep pressing us about having a clunky, useless, gigantic, expensive crib, we drill em' with the previous facts and tell em' to "hold that thought for now". If they actually take our advice, we might get a toddler bed out of the deal.

The tactics are working for now... but who knows.

[Louisep]

I found the breastfeeding and cosleeping reason excellent at shutting people up. I found that people who were uncomfortable with cosleeping were also uncomfortable talking about breastfeeding. Quite funny really watching them squirm.

If my MIL was not onboard, I would have referred her to the research.

Now I don't talk about where Ds sleeps. Of course our family know and my own parents frequently ask when he'll sleep in his own room and I say "one day" and "when he sttn".

[lalemma]

I don't really discuss these things with people. I mean, if someone asks, I say "Oh, he sleeps with us!" and then if they say something like "But he'll never learn to sleep alone!"/whatever, I just smile and say "My parents did family bed, and my brother and I both turned out okay." (Which is true.)

But I'm not going to bring it up. And I am totally comfortable lying if that seems like the path of least resistance.

I have found it useful, when an older person is uncomfortable with something I've said about parenting, to ask how they did things (in a sincerely curious and non-judgmental way!) Not only does it defuse things, it's super interesting. You hear all kinds of amazing stuff about people making their own baby formula from corn syrup and milk, or about how their mom would come home from her housekeeping job to nurse them, etc. I totally recommend it. If you let people talk for a while, they'll often work through some of their own issues about stuff and you can get to a really cool, open place of exchange.

[Thalia]

FWIW, we've always coslept with DD, but we started using a crib for naps once she was old enough to crawl off the bed by herself, about seven or eight months, I think. We have a really high bed and putting the mattress on the floor wasn't an option. And our bedroom was REALLY small. We just had enough room for the bed, the crib, and space to walk in and out of the room.

DD never really liked to play in her crib, but I would use it occasionally when she was awake and I need a safe place to put her in while I took something hot out of the oven, swept up broken glass, and so on.

So it might be worth keeping if you can find a spot for it.

[Maluhia]

"interesting, pass the bean dip, how is little Johnny doing in soccor this year?"

[akind1]

my father built us a beautiful crib, and I am sure we will use it eventually for something other than naps. right now, DS mostly sleeps in the co-sleeper (I have taken out the bassinet and it is in the lower pack-n-play mode - I didn't trust DS in it once he was able to roll) but sometimes ends up in bed with us. TBH, he probably would be just fine in his crib; he is only nearly 5 months old, but usually sleeps an 8 hour stretch at night. I told DH that I am just not ready for him to be in another room!

I think the breastfeeding reason is the best one you can offer. I too got alot of well, you can try BF but it didn't work for me because ______. And I was like, I'm sorry to hear that, but I'll be mighty disappointed if God gave me these huge boobs and they don't work! LOL same thing when I talked about natural birth (that didn't happen, ended up with a c-section, but at least I gave it my best shot), or babywearing, or being a WAHM. people will always question your parenting choices - our latest is delaying solids - if you have a boy, your choice to circ or not. We decided that we couldn't decide, so left him intact. our choice to not vax, etc. everything you do will be questioned, just when it comes up, because it will, be confident in your choice and make it sound final; it is not up for discussion.

you'll get tons of unwanted advice. some of it may be helpful, but most of it is the "nod and smile" variety.

[mamadaan]

Although a free crib would be great... I honestly don't know where I'd put it, other than the living room!

Then you can call it a playpen or keep baby toys and suchlike in it...