Suggestions...step parenting (fathering) a toddler?

[nataliachick7]

HI there, my son is almost 4 and my fiance and I have had some issues lately as far as parenting goes. I am pretty easy going, as my son is really well behaved. And my general views are you should have respect for everyone, even toddlers. My fiance lately has been telling me there needs to be all these "rules" for kids and kids need to fear their parents. He says things like fear=respect. He said my son is 3 and has no rights... He gets really angry sometimes, and he admitted he doesnt know how to deal with kids. It is really straining our relationship lately as things are escalating and I really need some advice! What about any good step fathering books? thank you

[mandib50]

would he be open to taking a parenting class of some kind with you?

[Kindermama]

It's funny how when it's not your child, you expect so much more (and so much more control) than if it were your own!

How about Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves..assuming you guys are in it for the long haul. I would also find a local parenting class to take together.

[sparklefairy]

I don't disagree that households need rules and kids need limits (as do adults), but I think this is a case of listening when someone tells you who he is: he wants your child to fear him. I wouldn't go one step forward with the relationship until I was sure that isn't the case.

[singin'intherain]

I agree with sparklefairy, this is a good time to step cautiously and be absolutely sure that where he's coming from is NOT where it sounds like he's coming from. Step parenting can be very very taxing on a person's reserves of perspective, patience, and gentleness- if he doesn't have the right attitude to begin with, things WILL get ugly.

[Kindermama]

Originally Posted by singin'intherain

if he doesn't have the right attitude to begin with, things WILL get ugly.

yep....and it will get ugly FAST!

[nataliachick7]

ugh...its not getting any better. the parenting books i got apparently are worthless because he doesnt agree with them?! He "sees red" when a child whines or cries....wow.
im so scared that i am going to be a single parent forever because i will never find a man that can handle being a step father to a little boy.
im not just going to stay with a guy to have someone because my son comes first, no matter what. i will not tolerate my son being treated poorly.
this whole thing is depressing.

[samy23]

Originally Posted by nataliachick7

ugh...its not getting any better. the parenting books i got apparently are worthless because he doesnt agree with them?! He "sees red" when a child whines or cries....wow.
im so scared that i am going to be a single parent forever because i will never find a man that can handle being a step father to a little boy.
im not just going to stay with a guy to have someone because my son comes first, no matter what. i will not tolerate my son being treated poorly.
this whole thing is depressing.

Yeah that sounds bad, like he has some anger issues or something? Maybe he would agree to counselling about it?

I don't think you should worry about being single forever, your son is only 4, my dd is 7 and im still single...who cares? You have your whole life to find the right guy, why be in such a rush about it? I do feel the pressure sometimes, but honestly you don't need a guy to make you a better mom, so why not just relax about it and if it happens it happens.

[sparklefairy]

:
I'm sorry. Believe me, I understand that feeling/fear of being alone forever. I've also been in a bad situation with an angry man and small children. Looking back, part of what was wrong was that I was too lenient in addition to him having unrealistic expectations and being absolutely 100% uncalled for, intollerably explosive and abusive.

There's always the option of slowing down, stepping back, and giving a situation more time. Spend your time together without children. Maybe it's too soon for him to be in a "parental" role with your son.

Reading some of the recent threads and the difficulties that some blended families are having years later is eye-opening.