WWYD? Replace toy destroyed by neighbor kid? And another question.

[mamazee]

My 8 year old dd had a new toy, and the very day she got it, a neighbor kid came over to play, and destroyed it in front of her as she watched, crying.

I took the toy and the child over to her house, and her parents were not concerned. They said, "Oh yeah, she does that to her toys all the time too."

So I plan to just get her a replacement. It costs less than $20, and if the kid's parents won't do it, I don't think it's a big deal for me to do it.

My dh, who is usually a real softie, says that she should learn to say no when people do things like this and that he thinks this is a good lesson for her to learn that she needs to be assertive and tell people to not break her stuff.

Dd is very extroverted and friendly, but doesn't like to upset people, and is not very good at saying no. I have talked to her about this, but I hate that this toy was ruined, like immediately, and I want to replace it anyway. She says she told her that she didn't want the girl to do it, but she didn't yell at the girl or actually take it away or anything.

I guess question two is how do I help her learn it's ok to yell, scream, etc., to defend yourself and your things. I've read Protecting the Gift and talked to her about protecting herself, but either she's having trouble with that, or she only thinks that's about protecting herself from adults who would want to hurt her. I think it's the second as she said, "Well Kenzie is a friend of mine, not a grown up. I don't want to make her mad." I want her to know it's okay to make people mad. Including other kids.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think you should buy her another one. I don't think you should withhold replacing the gift as a teaching tool. But when you get a new one, you could talk to her about how she could put the things she is particularly fond of, or that might break, out of sight in a safe place when friends come over, or that friend in particular.

I think that at age 8 it can be hard to confront other people, especially children you're excited to play with. It might be better to start with smaller steps, for example, is your DD able to suggest to the other girl what she would like to play, or does the other child always take the lead? Learning behaviors that are empowering yet not confrontational might be where she is at right now.

[NiteNicole]

My dh, who is usually a real softie, says that she should learn to say no when people do things like this and that he thinks this is a good lesson for her to learn that she needs to be assertive and tell people to not break her stuff.

It's hard for many adults to rock the boat like that, imagine trying to be that brave at 8? I agree it's important to know when to stand up for yourself but I don't think that's a lesson learned all at one time.

I would NOT have the toy breaker back over and I would replace the toy.

[One_Girl]

I would replace the toy and not allow the child around my dd's belongings. I think you should find ways to help her make other friends. Sometimes kids put up with really mean and horrible actions from other friends because they really want any friend. I also recommend Odd Girl Out. It has been a while since I read it, but the author talks about the ways girls often bully and it sounds like this may be a relationship where bullying is going on. If it is I think you need to stop the friendship as much as you can even if your dd is fine with being walked on.

[mamazee]

She hasn't actually asked me to replace it and doesn't expect it. I just want to because I can see that she's been wronged. So I don't think it would be a punishment to not replace it as she has no such expectation and would not feel let down by not getting another one. It's more that I know she'd like another.

She actually has tons of friends and seems to be very well liked at school and in the neighborhood. This girl lives right next door and is just very available, though my daughter says that she won't play with her again. This isn't the first problem she's had with her. But there are enough other kids in the neighborhood and she is friends with so many of them that it won't be difficult for her to avoid this girl.

[kathymuggle]

I would replace.

I would remind her that her firend is not trustworthy with toys if she chooses to play with her again.

Kathy

[Cascadian]

I'm horrified for you that her parents did not offer to pay. I'd be mortified if my child did something like that. What are they teaching her? Did they seriously just shrug it off??

[almama]

Since she doesn't seem worried about it, I'd ask her what she wants to do. Tell her you are willing to replace it and talk about how to prevent it happening next time (explaining that sometimes it is simply not possible, but good to look at options). She may not want another one since it broke relatively easily (not saying there wasn't force), and maybe she would like something else?

[sapphire_chan]

I'd help her write a note to the other child's parents requesting compensation. Since it's about something that happened between kids, it's okay to say things like "I was sad when K broke my toy on purpose. I thought she was my friend."

[chfriend]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

I would replace.

I would remind her that her firend is not trustworthy with toys if she chooses to play with her again.

Kathy

:

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by Cascadian

I'm horrified for you that her parents did not offer to pay. I'd be mortified if my child did something like that. What are they teaching her? Did they seriously just shrug it off??

I agree! Based on that alone, I would fully support your daughter's decision to ostracize this little girl.

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

I'd help her write a note to the other child's parents requesting compensation. Since it's about something that happened between kids, it's okay to say things like "I was sad when K broke my toy on purpose. I thought she was my friend."

I like this idea.

If she does change her mind, and wants to play with her again, I would limit their play to outdoors, or in your view only.

[almama]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

I'd help her write a note to the other child's parents requesting compensation. Since it's about something that happened between kids, it's okay to say things like "I was sad when K broke my toy on purpose. I thought she was my friend."

Please ask her before deciding on writing a note. If it is what she wants to do, that is great, but really, she didn't do anything wrong. If writing a note would embarrass her or cause her difficulty, then please don't do it.

[sapphire_chan]

I was thinking it would be easier than talking to the parents. I wish my parents had taught me how to speak up for myself. You're right that she's done nothing wrong, so it's wrong to punish her with being taken advantage of in the future.

Yeah, it's embarrassing and difficult to work out problems with friends, but it's better than being so scared of being embarrassed that you drop friends over stuff that can be worked out.

And an 8 year old can learn skills with her parents' help that a 16 or 20 or 30 year old would have to muddle through.

and of course they'd have to ask her, it'd be HER note. If she was seriously upset, of course they shouldn't push it, but I wouldn't drop the idea just because she didn't seem thrilled.

[halomancer]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

I would replace the toy and not allow the child around my dd's belongings.

[zeldamomma]

I might or might not replace the toy, depending on how important it seemed to my daughter.

I would definitely have another conversation with the neighbors, making sure they knew that I am very upset about this, and that until their daughter understands that she must not destroy other people's things, she is not welcome in my home. If I still had the toy, I might bring it along and leave it with them.

Her parents need to understand what the consequence is for allowing their child to behave this way. It would be a difficult conversation, but the alternative is either to ban her from your home with no explanation, or allow her the opportunity to break something else, and either of those seems worse.

-- I'm curious, is there anyway to look at the destruction as personalizing or modifying the toy? I'm just trying to wrap my head around the parents shrugging it off.

[*bejeweled*]

[QUOTE=One_Girl;15287563]I would replace the toy and not allow the child around my dd's belongings.

I'd also role play different ways that she can handle the situation if it occurs again.

[RufusBeans]

I am kind of with you, kind of with your dh. I would replace it...but wait until a special occasion to do so. a birthday, Christmas or something. If it is a seasonal toy then...Happy Memorial Day, kiddo!

[Autumn Breeze]

I'm also surprised the other parents just 'shrugged it off' more or less. My kids break toys to, but they break THEIR toys, not other kids things. And when/if they do, if I can afford the replacement, I pay for a new one. If I can't, I would give what I could afford.

My kids know that "if you don't want your sibling playing with it, put it away" but when you're showing a peer a new toy, you certainly don't expect that they are going to break it!! 8 yrs old or not, that's inappropriate.

I don't really know what I would do about that side of it in your situation. But I would be inclined to replace the toy anyway, and not really wait for anything. I would be sure to remind my child that the other child may not be someone she wants playing with her toys, so it's probably best to stick to things that can't easily be broken (balls, sidewalk chalk) when this other child is around.

[SunshineJ]

I know that I've been blessed with pretty easy and easy going kids on things like this, but I really just can't wrap my head around a "friend" standing there and intentionally destroying a toy at 8 years old while the other person is asking them not to! I simply cannot fathom that the parents would shrug it off, this astounds me.

First off, I'd definitely replace the toy. Your dd didn't abuse it or didn't ask for this to happen, and yeah, I'm a soft touch and would definitely replace it for her. I'd also strictly limit the visits of the other child and keep them outside. If the other kid asked about coming in and pushed it at all, I'd calmly explain that I was sorry, but when she comes over she destroys dd's toys and we don't have a lot of extra money around to keep replacing them.

[mamazee]

It was something that came with and used different liquid components that get used to make various things, and the friend poured all the ingredients together in one bowl and then poured them out onto the ground.

We have had two other similar issues with her. The first one involved something irreplaceable. The parents offered to replace it, but I said, "Her dad got that on a trip, and it was hand made. You can't get it here. Thanks anyway." The second time, the girl wanted something of my dd's and hit her and took it, and the parents did give it back. This is the third time. Maybe because I told them not to replace the first thing, they think that's how I feel about anything that comes up? I don't know but my husband doesn't want me to ask them for money or tell them to replace it because he said it will escalate things and we generally get along with them and its no fun to have issues with your next door neighbor.

What dh and I have agreed to at this point is something someone else suggested. We'll replace it at Christmas. Dd doesn't believe in Santa anymore, but another time something got left out and got buried and lost (and it would have been ruined by the weather) after a snow storm and "Santa" got her a new one a few weeks later at Christmas. I'm not sure if I want to wait that long, so he agreed if some opportunity comes up before that we can get it for her, but he doesn't like the idea of her either leaving something outside to be ruined as with the other thing, or sitting and watching while someone ruins something, and then us running out immediately and replacing it. I don't mind running out and replacing it, but I do want us to be on the same page, and neither in this case nor in the previous "left out in the snow" case did she expect or ask for a replacement, so I don't think this feels like a punishment to her, just a bit of a bummer.