Did we "push" sports on our DS when trying really hard not to?

[kindacrunchy]

My 7 yo DS is a very bright, intense kid who will not attempt things unless he thinks he can do it exactly right on the first try. My husband and I are both athletic but have made an effort to not "push" sports. But, somehow, it seems that it has become a "thing" between us and him. He is not incredibly coordinated and lacks self-esteem in the sports department. He has taken intro rec classes to t-ball, soccer, and basketball. He took gymnastics for a long time. He has had swim lessons. He played on a t-ball team where he absolutely loved the first game and then started to like it less and less each week after that. My Dad passed away during that season as well which I think affected things. He refuses to try playing on a soccer team. Soccer was my sport and I truly believe he doesn't play for that very reason. We have always made him finish his commitment whenever there has been an official commitment but never made him go back when a commitment was fulfilled.
So, now to the point. He wanted to take tennis lessons with a friend and he LOVED it! He did pretty well, too. He took two lessons and then we had spring break. We could have taken lessons but different routine, friend out of town, blah blah blah. Then, this past Thursday, I told him we were leaving for lessons in 15 minutes and he had a fit about it. He didn't want to go, he was all done, he didn't like tennis anymore. Well, we hadn't officially signed up. The first two lessons were trial. So I said ok. I tired to talk to him about it later and he pitched another fit. I ask if he enjoyed the lessons he went to, he said that he did but he didn't want to go anymore. I am so confused. I think I understand that the break screwed him up. That if I waited til after break to start or told him that there was a break with tennis too and we would start when school started back up that he would be fine. So now we are back to the whole "sports isn't my thing" "i can't do it" "i don't like it anymore" blah blah blah.
How do I handle this? I don't care if my kid is a jock or not but I do want him to have a physical hobby and want him to build his self-esteem in sports.Have we created this monster? Do I just totally drop it and never offer and totally wait for him to ask? I feel I need to present opportunities. I just feel stuck and don't know which way to turn to handle it. He gets so tense when we talk about it and has immediate attitude. He said he felt like we were making him do it by our conversation tonight which is NOT what we were doing at all, but he gets so uptight and on the defensive that is what he hears.
HELP!

[pbjmama]

If it is really that bad, yes I would drop it. Perhaps suggest something like music or painting lessons, show him what the local summer camp offers and see if something sparks his interest?

[marlee]

It sounds like you have presented opportunities over the years. He knows what he is saying yes or no to. And yes it sounds like you have answered your own question. Drop it and wait for him to ask.

You mentioned you and your husband are athletic. Maybe you could do family activities instead. Frisbee at the park, throwing a ball around, biking, walking, going swimming just for fun, rollerblading, skiing, running, etc.

His self -esteem can be built in many ways other than sports.

[DariusMom]

I have a 7 year old DS who sounds much like yours. I was pretty athletic in the past too. I played soccer, ran track and field and cross country and was always pretty good when I played other sports as well, though "jock" was certainly never my identity. DH played field hockey and still does.

We don't care if our DS is a jock or not, either. Our only concern has been that, especially as a boy (at least in our community), if he's not on a team or "into" sports, he's a bit left out. He's already really bright, super creative, and marches to the beat of a different drummer, so he has some problems finding friends, though he's very social.

He does swimming lessons (non-negotiable for us because of safety issues) and we've tried an intro judo class, which he hated. We always ask him if he wants to try soccer or play field hockey on the kid's team at the club where my DH plays and the answer has always been "no" so we've respected that and left it alone.

What we have done is find a kid studio art class for him and he also does another, separate, ceramic art class. He loves both and feels really proud of himself for creating things.

Anyway, my rambling point is that, even if you don't think you're pushing things, your DS could feel a lot of shame or "otherness" because he's not athletic. I wouldn't offer any more classes, no matter how well-intentioned your offer might be. He may be receiving and perceiving those offers as, "I must be a real loser because my parents are desperate for me to do some sport, any sport."

I also agree with the PP who said that sports aren't necessary for self-esteem. I know it's harder with little boys this age because a lot does seem to revolve around sports. But if you can find something else he likes a lot and is good at, I bet that would help his self-esteem, too. Plus, as long as he's playing, physically active, and having fun, he doesn't *need* an organized sport for health and fitness.

[Autumn Breeze]

yeah, it sounds like it's time to move away from organized sports until he asks to participate.

as him what he wants to try next, if anything. He doesn't have to be enrolled in a class or a sport to be complete. My children do not have extra curricular activities, mostly because it's expensive, and if we did pay for it, we would ask that they honor the commitment and play out the season. And I would hate it for them if they started not liking it. It's not really fair to them to do that.

Play groups at play grounds will allow him to expend his energy and have a good time.

[kindacrunchy]

Thanks for the input. He does have other interests and his overall self-esteem is good but his self-esteem in sports is not. Except running. He LOVES to run! I guess my bigger concern is when they start playing sports like games at school for PE and he is the kid that no one wants on the team. That just sucks!
DariusMom, you bring a good point about the "otherness" thing.
He has asked about going back into gymnastics, but, I am so gun-shy that he will start and then want to stop after a couple of weeks and it's expensive! He WANTS to do it, then great. But his track record hasn't been so good. KWIM?
I will ask what he would like to try next. That's a good approach.
Thanks!

[One_Girl]

My dd has been in swimming lessons for three years now and we do have brief periods where she resists going, but overall it has been a very positive experience. When dd asks to do a new activity I have her stick with it for a set period of time. With basketball I had her stick to it for the whole season and with ballet I am having her do it for six months. I think it takes time to get some skills and decide whether you enjoy a particular activity or not. I think you should also talk to your PE teacher about the grouping thing and recommend the PE Central website. It has a lot of grouping strategies that don't include excluding kids.

If he wants to do gymnastics again then I think you should make a deal with him about how long he needs to stick to it for and help him follow through even if he is upset one day because he'd rather do something else. Setting up a number of days he can miss if he isn't sick may also help. If he tends to be healthy then it shouldn't hurt if he chooses to miss two or three days in a six month session. Remind him that he when he is done with the miss days he will just have to keep going so he needs to choose wisely.

[kindacrunchy]

Thank you, One Girl! Great ideas. That was one of the things I was trying ot get at. I wish I would have done that with tennis I did tell him that it takes a few times before you really decide if you like it or not.

[pbjmama]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

I guess my bigger concern is when they start playing sports like games at school for PE and he is the kid that no one wants on the team. That just sucks!

I sympathize with this concern but would like to point out that kids don't choose teams based on athletic ability or experience for the most part. I wish they would just cut that entirely and draw numbers or something!

[hakeber]

Can I just say that there are WAY worse things than being picked last for the team in PE?

Maybe those sort of sports are just not his thing. If you think physical activity is important (which it is), maybe some solitary stuff or track and feild, you said he LOVES running, why not let him run around the local track and race the other kids? Or just take him to the park and let him run.

Is there a community center or a YMCA you could go to to do gymnastic classes for free, or where you can pay by the visit in case he decides that's not as much fun as he remembers? Or maybe dance would suit him.

Not everyone is sporty and plenty more are just not into team sports when someone inevitably gets to be the scapegoat, and someone else gets to be the hero. Kids on team sports can be vile.

I would definitely let him come to you with the next choice, and I agree, where fees and equipment is involved it is important to keep commitments, but they also need room to explore new things, so make the commitment reasonable and agree to it before they begin and fees are paid. Is his friend still taking tennis lessons? maybe he just wanted to spend time with his friend? Maybe the coach is sort of creepy? Just a thought.

FWIW, I don't think it takes me long to figure out I hate something. I hated tennis from the word go. It seemed so pointless to me, and my grandmother was so insistent that I needed it for my future prospects of marriage and social class...so absurd.

Your DS sounds a lot like me as a kid...I hated competitive sports. I kept trying them because people said I should. My friends in school all liked them. What was WRONG with me? I liked the social aspect of it okay, but tennis, soccer, basketball...all these rules, and everyone trying to cheat (and usually only the prettiest and most popular people getting away with it!), and all this running around like crazy and trying to watch everyone else and score points. Fooey!

I just wanted to run free and escape. The activities I loved were skiing, cross country running, hiking/trekking, boating/rafting, swimming, climbing and repelling, and unstructured dancing. I still like those things. I HATE activities with rules and "non-partial" referees. I know DH will probably encourage DS to get into team sports, everyone in his family are into sports, and teams and leagues. His brother was a soccer goalie, his dad was a recruiter in Scotland for a major team...it's inbred. But I will defend his right to the death to not do that.

Just, I know it FEELS like sports are the answer to popularity and social skills, but sometimes, speaking from my own experiences, it can feel like you are a square peg being jammed into a round hole.

[LynnS6]

Our ds sounds a bit like yours. He's definitely not a joiner, and while he'd try classes, he wasn't all that interested. He's about to turn 9, and just now he's becoming interested in team sports. IMO, that's about the right age. It's just too bad that the other kids have more experience so ds feels like he's 'behind'.

But then, he's older, so he's able to catch up. He asked to play baseball this year (the first time he's EVER asked to play a sport without prompting), and he's been willing to work on his skills (he practices catching, he practices batting, he's organizing baseball games with the neighbor kids).

At the first practice, he was pretty far behind the other kids. I was very very worried. They had their first game on Saturday and he got on base 3-4 times. And no one else could field the balls either.

So, give it a rest. Find some nice, family, life-style sports that you can all do together -- biking, hiking, swimming. Revisit this in another year.

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

He does have other interests and his overall self-esteem is good but his self-esteem in sports is not. Except running. He LOVES to run!

Here's where I would start. Are there running clubs in your area for younger kids? I know that there are short races for kids in our area. Does your school have an extra curricular track & field program? I'm not a runner, but I know that I'd go out biking while my kid ran for support and companionship. Let the kid run like the wind!

And I'd seriously consider doing gymnastics again. Since he's done it before, he knows what it's about.

I would not be worried about the lack of "team" sport experience. If he can run and do gymnastics (among other sports that you listed) he's likely going to be just fine - these skills are transferable to virtually any other sport. The most important thing is that he has FUN while he's participating.

FWIW - my ds ditched a number of team sports after a brief time. He has a lot of athletic ability - swims very well and does gymnastics at a high level. This spring, he indicated that he wanted to try soccer, so we've signed him up. We didn't put any restrictions around this -- he doesn't have to stick with it. I'd rather have him try it and decide it's not for him than to have him refuse to try anything in the future because we've made him suffer for wanting to try. Just a thought. I did have a serious conversation with him about *why* he wanted to try soccer before I bought the cleats, shin guards and plunked down the money for the league. He also brought up some concerns -- "What if I'm not very good and I let my team down?" And we walked through that. I feel pretty good that he's considered all angles, but he's still just 8. Plenty of time to try something else at some other time if this doesn't work for him.

[kindacrunchy]

As far as the tennis is concerned, his face was LIT up when he was playing. He was laughing and really enjoying it so I'm a bit confused onto why he changed his mind.
The thing is is that he says he wants to be able to play the game the right way, right away. He doesn't want to have to practice. He's very competetive and likes to win and wants trophies and what ever (things he has seen other kids share, has nothing to do with us) but doesn't want to put in the work to do it. I'm just really confused and want to understand. We are very supportive of all of his creative side.
Anyway, you all have given some good input and I appreciate it!

[journeymom]

Kindacrunchy, is your son a bit of a perfectionist?

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

The thing is is that he says he wants to be able to play the game the right way, right away. He doesn't want to have to practice. He's very competetive and likes to win and wants trophies and what ever (things he has seen other kids share, has nothing to do with us) but doesn't want to put in the work to do it.

Oh yeah - ok I get this.

Have you told him that even the very best professional athletes still have coaches and they still need to practice? Or remind him that when babies are learning to walk, they take a lot of falls? If a lot of things come easy to your ds, this can be a difficult lesson to learn. But one thing is certain, if you don't practice, you'll never, ever get better, right? If he knows how to ride a bike, you can maybe use that as an example -- or anything else that he worked on to accomplish. Some kids think that if they have to work at something, it means that they aren't good at it and want to quit.

[kindacrunchy]

yes he is a perfectionist (it is his personality) and LauraLoo we have had that conversation SEVERAL times and he gets so frustrated with us. Very black and white. That concerns me in a much bigger picture. Failure is not an option for him. I've tried changing the word to mistakes and that is how humans learn is trial and error. He gets very frustrated.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

yes he is a perfectionist (it is his personality) and LauraLoo we have had that conversation SEVERAL times and he gets so frustrated with us. Very black and white. That concerns me in a much bigger picture.

Part of this is developmental too, though. 7 year olds think in very black and white terms. Rules are rules and you do not violate them. In just a year or two he'll begin to see that rules are social conventions that can be bent".

Part, alas, is probably his personality. Could you get some biographies of sports stars (Michael Jordan comes to mind because he was cut from the varsity team as a sophomore in high school) or inventors? Maybe they'd make some nice reading for you to do together.

The Olympics this year were a real eye opener for our ds (also a perfectionist). He must have asked 10 times "How much do you think they practice?" I think it was dawning on him that the top athletes practice a lot. I'll confess that our Wii Fit has helped too - ds can see incremental progress and takes real pleasure out of beating his parents' scores. Sometimes it takes him a while, but as he spends more time than we do on the system, he can do it eventually.

[limette]

I pretty much agree with pps who said to drop the organized sports. Physical activity is important but that can come in free play at the playground or something not so obviously sporty like birdwatching (hiking).

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Part of this is developmental too, though. 7 year olds think in very black and white terms.

I agree -- along with deferred gratification and impulse control. It's a bummer to have to work for something you want.

I don't have any suggestions about how to get over this block. For us, it was ds' love for violin and he had to learn how practicing every single day meant that his lessons went better because he was prepared (and not anxious or embarrassed) and he learned pieces much quicker. But he loved the violin and never asked to quit - he just didn't want to go to the lessons or have to practice. lol! I can use the violin example every time ds gets frustrated with something that doesn't come easy to him, but for a long time I didn't have anything personal to him as a reference point. We still battle with perfection in other things, but it is slowly getting better as he recognizes that he does have control over aspects of his learning curve and that sometimes it just takes time and persistence. You are right to be concerned over this, because perfectionism can creep into many other aspects of his life. I hope others will have some suggestions.

[kindacrunchy]

hmmm...the wii fit. will that work with balance and stuff like that? he is severely pronated and he was seeing a PT for a while last summer. I wonder if that would make his exercises more fun?