Did we "push" sports on our DS when trying really hard not to? - Page 2

[EFmom]

This is tough.

I disagree with the pp who said that kids don't pick teams based on ability. From what I've seen they absolutely do. And it does suck to be the last one picked. BTDT

I have two girls who are reasonably athletic, but both have had zero interest in team sports ever. The older one is a very athletic kid, but I've never been able to get her doing anything for any length of time except for Tae Kwon Do, and that's only because we had to enter a long term contract if she wanted to do it, and we won't let her quit until the contract is up and we are done paying for it. The younger one does gymnastics but wants to quit all the time. We don't let her quit during the semester, but tell her she has to finish the class (which is how the place she goes does scheduling and billing) but doesn't have to sign up for the next one. Then every time, she's ambivalent but ends up wanting to sign up one more time. She also does dance.

The other thing that's an issue is that it has floored me how quickly kids get shut out of sports if they haven't been playing since they were very young. I've got a 12 year old in the first year of jr. high. If you don't have a lot of experience playing any of the team sports, forget about making the baseball, basketball, football, field hockey or soccer teams, because they are all competitive and they cut. There are some rec leagues but they aren't of much appeal to my kids.

Sports are a real source of social interaction in our public school. Dd1 likes TKD, but because it's not school-based it's like it doesn't count somehow. At least that's how she views it.

My older kid is involved with many musical groups, so she's got a bunch of friends to hang out with. But she does complain that she's not in with the "popular' kids on the sports teams (all while admitting that she never did want to play at a lower level).

The whole thing makes my head hurt. I'm not athletic, and don't give a hoot about sports.

I guess in your shoes, I'd encourage your son to do gymnastics, but make it clear that he's got to stick with it for a given time period. He could quit then, but not before then. But I wouldn't push it.

[rhiandmoi]

I think it is very important for kids to learn that just because they aren't good at something right away does not mean that they can't be good with practice. I'm not saying that your DS needs to be in organized sports, but I am concerned that his reasons for not wanting to do them, are that he doesn't want to practice. Learning to work through frustration is I think one of the most valuable life skills any skill building activity can teach you and I think all kids should be involved with something skill building whether sports, or music, or whatever.

Maybe he should get into something like marshal arts where there are clearly defined skill levels for him to move through, vs the more nebulous goal of "getting better" of practicing sports.

[kindacrunchy]

rhiandmoi, i totally agree, but how to you go about doing that without it seeming like you are forcing it?

[zeldamomma]

Given what you've said, I'd be inclined to make him take tennis. It sounds like he has some anxiety about not being good enough or something else, but if he genuinely seemed to enjoy it, helping him push through the anxiety might be positive.

At 7, my kids would often not want to go to something if they hadn't been in a while, or if they were in the middle of something else when it was time to go. I would talk to them about possibly dropping an activity when they were calm, but they wouldn't get to skip because of a fit.

For the issue of being picked last, I've btdt, and it was lousy, but I was completely incompetent-- I doubt your son is likely to be the least capable kid. Something I think might have really helped me is if someone had taken the time to help me with basic skills-- how to catch, how to throw, how to hit, etc... Group settings didn't work well for me to learn sports-- I didn't get it somehow. Maybe some one on one coaching from Mom or Dad would help get him to a point where he's ok with his ability?

[kindacrunchy]

zeldamomma, that is exactly why i am stuck. i don't want to force the "sports" but i think he needs a little nudge with getting past the anxiety or whatever it is. but he gets so uptight about it that he sees the little helpful nudge as "making" him do it. part of me wants to trick him into going. telling him to get in the car around that time and just go. however, i told him i was done talking about it last night and that i just wanted him to be honest with himslef about what he really wanted. so....
the one on one coaching makes him mad. we have tried. anytime we try to help with his form, etc, he gets mad. now matter how gentle or indirect we are.

[LauraLoo]

Pushing a perfectionist really isn't the way to help them get over their anxiety about the situation. In reality, it could make it worse. If you make him go, and he screws up, then he will be angry at you, too, because you made him do something that he isn't good at. A perfectionist avoids feeling like a failure at all costs. It's likely why he doesn't want to be nudged or coached -- it's an in the face reminder that he isn't "perfect."

Is the only reason that he gave you for being done with tennis is that he was done with it? Before I'd try anything else, I think I'd work through this with him. If he can talk to you about his fears and you can listen, then maybe he can come up with ways to make himself feel better about it and what he thinks he needs to be successful. What did he expect that didn't happen? Does he think anything would help? How was this different from when he tried (insert other sport) Lots of open ended questions. But I'd really avoid telling him what he needs to do (ie. practice) or how he should feel about it. Don't try to fix it - just get him to talk to you.

There have been plenty of times where I've asked my ds if he wants my help or if he'd rather work through it on his own. Initially, he would shun my help. Now, after he's given it a go, he'll reach out for help. It's taken a bit to get here. And I realize that when I wrote about his fear about soccer - that what if he wasn't good and he let down the team that it might not have seemed like a big deal, but it really was. He could tell me what he was afraid of (admitting that he might not be good,) knew that I would listen, and together we worked it out.

[kindacrunchy]

I don't want to push him at all because I agree with you. However, he was really having fun with it! So I'm thinking I might just have to stop by the tennis courts to get some infor for myself while his friend is in class. Have him sit and watch his friend while I go get my info and see what happens. If he shows no interest, then done. I just really wonder if it was Spring Break and now feeling like he might be behind is what it the real issue.

[pigpokey]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

As far as the tennis is concerned, his face was LIT up when he was playing. He was laughing and really enjoying it so I'm a bit confused onto why he changed his mind.
The thing is is that he says he wants to be able to play the game the right way, right away. He doesn't want to have to practice. He's very competetive and likes to win and wants trophies and what ever (things he has seen other kids share, has nothing to do with us) but doesn't want to put in the work to do it. I'm just really confused and want to understand. We are very supportive of all of his creative side.
Anyway, you all have given some good input and I appreciate it!

I highly recommend the book _Mindset_.

My suggestion under the circumstances is that you decide whether you are going to require physical training of him as a parent outside of what he gets in school. Around here, the schools are not very committed to exercise.

Then forget about childhood sports competition and decide what you want him to train and when.

I have one child who likes do to everything and is very committed to her training (age 6).

I have one who enjoys himself while training but would start and quit on his whims if allowed (age 5). It's a bit different because he is home schooled so he has no PE class and quite a bit of time available to him compared to a full day school child. So for him I just say, you are going to stay in X and Y because it makes your mind and body stronger. So for example, swim team. I tell him I will never make him compete but he will go work out. And that's a good sport for that, because they have to climb pretty high in the levels for the club to care whether they are signing up for meets, I think.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by rhiandmoi

Maybe he should get into something like marshal arts where there are clearly defined skill levels for him to move through, vs the more nebulous goal of "getting better" of practicing sports.

My son had real success (satisfaction? relief?) when he switched from Little League baseball to taekwondo.

They DO teach basic skills in LL: throwing, catching and batting. But it's still a team sport and ds was having serious problems dealing with team pressure.

Taekwondo, no such external pressure. So far he only competes against himself and he doesn't have anybody else (team mates) depending on his performance for their success.

[rhiandmoi]

I don't know his maturity level, but maybe put it more in his court. Tell him that even if sports isn't his thing, your family really believes in being physically fit and that he needs to have some sort of activity that he does. And then go through the rec catalog and see what he wants to do. He might just be a tryer. I know that I really like to try things, but I really am not very coordinated and I max out skillswise pretty quickly, so I just move on to try the next thing. Its not really such a bad thing to just rotate through a bunch of activities at a mediocre level if you're having fun.

Also talk to him about times when you weren't good at something, and how long it took you to get better, and how you were glad you stuck with it because it ended up being a lot of fun. Maybe start something together as a family and mom and dad can be bad at something too, and you can all get better together.

[rhiandmoi]

Don't know what happened here...