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SIDS took my sweet Malachi 2 weeks ago today...

post #1 of 51
Thread Starter 
And I am so lost without him... He was my miracle baby; my water broke at 17 weeks. And against all odds and all the medical "professionals'" prognoses. He stayed in for almost 11 more weeks, he was born naturally, and cried upon entry. My God proved his awesomeness and faithfulness. He thrived and surprised everyone, but me as I knew he would do well bc God keeps his promises...
After 75 days in the NICU I was finally able to take him home on march 17; the day before the first angelversary of my son Matthew Jr who was born and passed at 18 weeks. I was over the moon to say the least. I think the only person happier was his older brother Jimmy(6), he could not stop smiling when my mom and I surprised him by picking him up with Malachi in tow. One of the best days of my life...
Everything was going great he was nursing more and more efficiently...SO perfect. Around 2am on the 28th my fiance and I go to bed, I take Malachi out of his co-sleeper- we lay down to fall asleep nursing. I awake in the hour of 6am to a morning I wish I could forget. Screams, CPR, fluids, shouting prayers going unanswered.
What do I do when I feel like God has broken his promises? How do I go on? I can't wash his clothes, I can't sell his diapers, I can't do anything.
I have had a first trimester m/c.
I have had to make difficult choices.
I have lost a son with no chance after live birth at 18 weeks.
I have blown odds and statistics out of the water due to my Faith in Christ with Malachi...TO have him taken from me 3 days shy of 3 months and only 10 full days of being home.
I just kept repeating to myself 'co-sleeping, a.p. babies DON'T die from SIDS!WHY ME?! WHY NOW?!'
But rly I guess...Why not me? Why not now? Who am I to decide?
<3 Malachi Raphael-Antonio 1/1/2010-3/28/2010 <3
post #2 of 51
Oh Mama... I am so so sorry.
post #3 of 51
So sorry to hear your lost....Hugs to you my dear
post #4 of 51
Malachi

I, too, wonder why my prayers for my second son didn't result in a miracle. He died when he was 12 hours old.

My heart breaks with yours. Also, for your son. The second hardest part of dealing with losing my son for the last year and a half has been helping my oldest son (who is six) work through the loss. He speaks of him often and misses him so much. We took him to a grief counselor right after and then just a few weeks ago he asked to go see her again. He hadn't been in over a year (and only went twice before) but he felt the need to go and talk about his brother. So, we've taken him back and he seems better for it.

All I can say is be easy on yourself and remind your family to do the same for each other. There is no greater loss or grief I now believe. I've experienced the death of many close family members but nothing is as primal or deep as the loss of a child.

You have my deepest sympathies. Also, if you haven't already, please come over to the Pregnancy and Infant Loss part of MDC - I know those ladies provided such great support (and still do). It was comforting to know that I wasn't the only one in these horrible shoes.
post #5 of 51
So, so sorry.
post #6 of 51
I am so sorry you are going through this Mama. It is hard to keep faith when really awful things happen, but it is in those darkest hours we need it the most. Thinking about you and praying for you.
post #7 of 51
crying for you and your son. I'm so, so very sorry.
post #8 of 51
s mama, God is still with you. He will carry you through this time of grief.
post #9 of 51
I'm so sorry Momma. My heart goes out to you and your family. Sending healing and lots of love and hugs.
post #10 of 51
so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how painful this must be.

You have endured so much clearly.....
post #11 of 51
So sorry....
post #12 of 51
I am so sorry mama. I to just had a loss. My 18 month old daughter passed away completely unexpected on March 10th. I to have the same questions of god, the unfairness. I know no words i say to you will help you with your pain because there is nothing anyone can say to me. I coslept, and breastfed till the day she died. It was not your fault mama. Sometimes I feel like if i hadnt done what i did she wouldve died sooner. I could go on and on and it just never ends. My heart hurts for you.
post #13 of 51
I am so sorry you lost your baby.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystalftw View Post
I just kept repeating to myself 'co-sleeping, a.p. babies DON'T die from SIDS!
Don't blame yourself - you did not do anything wrong and unfortunately there is no way to parent that can prevent SIDS 100% of the time. I wish you all the best and I'm so very sorry.
post #14 of 51
I am so sorry for your loss I wish there were words to help ease your pain. You are not alone
post #15 of 51

I am so sorry for you loss. Don't blame yourself, I know you will find peace s
post #16 of 51

I'm so sorry for your loss.
post #17 of 51
I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely boy.
post #18 of 51
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious boy.
post #19 of 51
So sorry, Mama! Rest in peace, sweet Malachi.
post #20 of 51
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