STBX gets served tonight

[Halfasianmomma]

...And I'm very nervous.

I'm asking for sole custody and child support payments, which have been calculated to a mere 300$ a year because I do not have access to STBX's 2009 tax report nor to any information relating to his current job.

I know I had told him I'd go for joint custody but frankly, he's just not showing much interest in DD. His week-day visits have ceased altogether in the last 2 months. This may be partially due to my changing DD's daycare to a place that's out of his way, but I did offer to drive DD halfway, to his work for example, one evening a week so he could continue to see her. He just accused me to bullying him out of DD's life and never took her again on weekdays. His week-end visits have been getting shorter and shorter as time passes by. Also, he didn't take her last week, because he was going away for Easter and this Sunday, he texted me to tell me to "wait for his confirmation before bringing over DD". Now, I understand that his son had been sick all night and I appreciate him not taking DD and potentially getting her sick, but I don't like being told to "wait for his confirmation" as if I have nothing better to do. Anyhow, he hasn't seen DD in 3 weeks...and tonight he gets served.

I know he'll be furious that I'm asking for sole custody. What he doesn't know is that all he need to do to get visitation is to show up in court on May 3rd and contest. Asking for sole custody was my lawyer's idea of an aggressive strategy...ideally designed to get him not to show up in court altogether, (just like for his first and third sons).

Cross your fingers for me mamas...let's hope STBX doesn't have an apocalyptic reaction and freak out due to being served.

[honey-lilac]

Fingers crossed for you.

[Freedom~Mama]

good luck.

[LoveOhm]

First let me say CONGRATS!!! Formalizing things will give you a NEW FREEDOM and peace of mind in the long run.

Second it's better to prep for the worst case i.e. HE WILL HAVE A DRAMATIC REACTION SO BRACE YOLURSELF! This reaction and lash out is his way of pounding his chest and saying he's a man even if it's just to you over the phone. There is a good chance the reaction will not even be about the child, but rather about his own manhood and having less control is accepting being less than a real man.

This does not mean he will show up to court, it does not mean the judge will rule something other than sole custody, he initial reaction is more likely meant to lash his anger and frustration out on someone else - YOU! He may try to manipulate you, intimidate you, reason with you, etc. but all of those are his issues. He will say very hurtful things so instead of wishing for the best, plan an evening where you are not alone, plan to be supported and again not alone should he call or show up (you will want wittnesses) but more than that even if he does not call this is a huge step so having the people you love next to you for the next 24-48 hours is a good thing.

I do wish you all the best! On a side note: I notice you said sole custody is that with no visitation or why would he have to show up to court to get visitation.....?

[Halfasianmomma]

Thanks for the support mamas.

Tonight, I actually have an appointment with a guidance counsellor to discuss potential professional avenues *other than* being a legal secretary. I won't be home until 8:00 p.m. or so, and then I'll be with my parents since we live together right now. We're all bracing ourselves for the Apocalypse because STBX is known for his freak-outs, threats and even calls to the police. We'll be on high alert for the next few days I guess. Saxman has offered me his support though I've done my utmost to keep him totally separate from this issue because I want to own it. Finally, I'm having lunch with Hollycrand in 30 minutes to talk out the extra jitters.

LoveOhm,...yah it's sole legal and physical custody with no visitation. My lawyer decided on this strategy seeing as a) his visitation has been dwindling over the last few months, and b) he generally doesn't deign to show up in court for his children (a point she plans on bringing up in mediation or in court if he does show). We could have offered him for him to have visitation and for me to be the primary custodial parent, but my lawyer felt it was being too generous considering the lack of interest STBX has shown since our separation. If he does show up on May 3rd, we first try to mediate an agreement, where I plan on playing hardball and being very strict about missed/late visitation, but will offer exactly what I did before I got a lawyer (2x a week increasing incrementally with DD's age). If he doesn't show...then it's custody by default and an early divorce decree.

What also concerns me right now is next week-end's visit...will he want to see DD? Or not? If he does, how can I make sure he doesn't do something stupid like run off with her...? Ugh I'll be glad when this custody thing is settled!

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

yah it's sole legal and physical custody with no visitation. My lawyer decided on this strategy seeing as a) his visitation has been dwindling over the last few months, and b) he generally doesn't deign to show up in court for his children (a point she plans on bringing up in mediation or in court if he does show). We could have offered him for him to have visitation and for me to be the primary custodial parent, but my lawyer felt it was being too generous considering the lack of interest STBX has shown since our separation. !

Not sure you'll agree, but here are my thoughts...

He missed only one weekend, and had a sick son that weekend? And you think that's bad enough to isolate him?

Short of dealing with an abusive ex, I think this is a disservice to any child involved in any divorce situation. I come from a place where DSD's mom has picked her up twice since christmas, with no overnights, and DSD actually drove herself one of the times. We get no CS, and still I can't imagine telling her mom "NO" to seeing her child. I'll admit, don't know your situation, but if he is not abusive, please stop listening to the lawyer, and think of why you are doing what you are doing. It won't make your child happy. Trust me.

[meemee]

i am with Oriole on this. it seems like you are creating your own can of worms.

no visitation? so what ex has been accusing you of is going to come true.

even if his trend is not seeing dd often, still no visitation? that is bit much. if i was in his place i would do the same too.

are you wanting a very structured visitation like 3 pm on tuesday to 8 am on wednesday = for example? i dont have that. we do that 'wait for confirmation' all the time. we call each other and check and make sure if its ok with them, but i dont mind if i am supposed to drop dd off at 2 and he says something came up and could i hold on.

when dd was a toddler it happened all the time because sometimes when he was free to see her she had fallen asleep.

like the situation with dc. i made it a point that dc was kinda between us. for a short while it was far away, but i explained to him i didnt have any option. we looked at a dc closer but ex didnt like the neighbourhood even though it would have been more convenient for us he didnt want to and i went with his situation.

i hope your ex has lawyers too. who will be advicing him to be at court to contest it. or that someone will tell him so he knows his rights. this is exactly how pro bono moms with terrible lawyers gets dinged.

obviously we dont know all the details. however please know that i am here to support here. that does not always mean i agree with you. like oriole said if this was an abuse case against the child, then i am 100 percent with you.

but do you think what you have done is FAIR? YOU? many times i have been adviced not to do something, but i have done it mainly coz I think its fair even if society or the legal system doesnt think its fair.

i have bent over backwards to do things for ex so that dd will see her dad. he has had his moments of disappearing but there have been reasons for it.

however i also believe that ex is a good father. his actions may not prove it, but i know he is TRYING. to me that is what matters.

so all i am asking is are the actions you plan to take - do you think they are fair - both to you and him? everything begins from there.

you may win the battle this time - but in the long run was a win or a loss?

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by Oriole

Not sure you'll agree, but here are my thoughts...

He missed only one weekend, and had a sick son that weekend? And you think that's bad enough to isolate him?

Short of dealing with an abusive ex, I think this is a disservice to any child involved in any divorce situation. I come from a place where DSD's mom has picked her up twice since christmas, with no overnights, and DSD actually drove herself one of the times. We get no CS, and still I can't imagine telling her mom "NO" to seeing her child. I'll admit, don't know your situation, but if he is not abusive, please stop listening to the lawyer, and think of why you are doing what you are doing. It won't make your child happy. Trust me.

This isn't dad of the year. The guy is an abusive hard-core alcoholic.

[LoveOhm]

I do not agree with your lawyers advice to you (at list time at least) but I do hope for the best outcome. (((HUGS))) mama.

[Halfasianmomma]

just to answer the questions asked...

I do not want sole custody with no visitation--this is just what my lawyer is asking *to start off with*. I do not however want to start off offering more visitation than what STBX has been taking. All STBX has to do to get visitation is to show up in court, unrepresented, and ask for it. My lawyer will be telling him this when she contacts him the day before we're due to appear in court. I would be fine if he did so, as I am not trying to purposefully cut him out of DD's life, and I already have a lengthy visitation agreement proposal drafted, offering the visitation schedule we had in place when I left STBX (2x week increasing incrementally as DD gets older). I also do not want any child support from him because I know it will inflamme the situation further, but here in Quebec, I do not have a choice about whether or not to ask for it. CS is even automatically deducted at the source from one's salary.

As a bit of a background, STBX is an ex-convict & active alcoholic who was abusive to me during our marriage. He is not in recovery nor does he plan on being. He has anger management issues, self-mutilated when he is depressed, and has broken things in or near my face, yelling/cussing/threatening me while I held DD. There was some cocaine usage and selling, along with sleeping pill addiction during our marriage. He has 4 children from 4 different women, 2 of which he does not see. He has de facto custody of child #2 because he was able to bully that child's mother into it, and he makes her pay him CS. I really would like him to be the father DD deserves to have, but I cannot force him into anything. I have been very careful to insist that he doesn't see her in the later afternoon when he drinks or to refuse overnights because he consummed alcohol and then takes sleeping pills so he's totally unable to parent at night. That's the most I am able to do.

Over the course of the last 6 months, he's missed several weekday visitation, all of which I have facilitated for reasons such as "It's snowing", "it's raining", "You didn't ask me nice enough". Eventually, he gave up weekday visitation of his own accord. I continue to facilitate all visitation (i.e. I drive DD to his house and then drive her back), and provide for DD diapers, change of clothing, lunch (he doesn't always feed her). Despite all this, he has shortened his remaining visitation considerably and has started to cancel some of them.

So overall, I *feel* like I'm being fair, considering his background and his track record.

[calebsmommy25]

Thinking of you and hoping for the best possible outcome for you and your lo.

[RainRaven]

I am sorry you are going thru all of this

[LoveOhm]

I want to clarify I am not saying you have any poor intentions I feel you have a good heart from what I have read on other threads. I do know about your ex but that still does not mean I agree with your lawyers advice.

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

If I were your attorney I would not advise you to play school girl games but to be a woman and stand your ground.

Ouch. I thought I was "being a woman and standing my ground" by leaving this man, protecting DD from his addiction and continuing to faciliate visitation with him despite his short-comings as a father. I also am relying on my lawyer's expertise in the matter; when I initially drafted the proceedings, I had offered joint custody with me being the primary custodial parent and STBX having visitation. I hope it wasn't a mistake to take her lead on this, as I am a total novice at divorcing abusive men.

[LoveOhm]

Sorry if my wording was harsh, I actually went and cut my detailed thoughts but not quickly enough.... sorry about that.

Perhaps what I was viewing as "strategy" (or games) is less about strategy and more that you have not firmly decided in your own mind and heart what you feel is best for your child - which is perfectly understandable and I did not initially see that uncertainty in your post earlier in this thread.

For your own piece of mind now and in the future, decide is your ex so abusive, violent, uninvolved, flaky, etc. that your child is better off having no relationship at all with him...... or do you think it's in your child's best interest to have a limited relationship with him? Either is fine, I don't care or judge either way but what I feel is poor advice is a lawyer who tells you to say no visitation (based on abuse, non-interest, etc.) then offering your ex who you say is violent and abusive visitation multiple times per week unsupervised. That is a big disconnect for me but I am not in the situation.

ETA: I don't say this in any sort of snarky manner, what is done is done. Nothing is wrong with what you are asking if you really feels it's best.

[DirtRoadMama]

I'm going to partially agree with Ohm, inasmuch as saying that going from no visitation to the original plan does have a disconnect. It would make more sense to me if the next offered amount comes with the caveat of required supervision for all visitation.

[Freedom~Mama]

Just wanted to give you a hug.

[Smithie]

"It would make more sense to me if the next offered amount comes with the caveat of required supervision for all visitation."

It might make more sense out here in the real world, but still be something that a court is very unlikely to order unless the NCP has actually being caught perpetrating abuse on the child.

No visitation RIGHTS doesn't mean no visitation. It means that the parent who is NOT an abusive alcoholic is able to slam the door in your face when you show up reeking of booze, without running the risk of being dragged back into court.

It also means that Halfasianmama will be able to take a job in another city, etc., if she ever finds that she needs to, without getting dragged back into court. It would be a really good thing in this situation, for the parent who is actually in control of themselves to be in control of how the NCP relationship is conducted.

It will also be pretty nifty if the NCP paid more than $300/year in child support, but hey, let's not get crazy here...

[soso-lynn]

Hey. For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing. Jusges here are very much in favor of shared custody and have a tendency to not take any allegations of abuse too seriously if you are offering visitations and such without putting up a fight. I know someone who tried to be nice to her ex a few years ago and gave him one overnight each weekend (the child was a bit older). The ex was an alcoholic and really treated his child badly and used him as a pawn for drama with her. She then tried to have his visitations cut down or changed for supervised visits and she did not win until he went and got arrested in the middle of the night after getting into a fight while drunk downtown. His son (6 at the time) was with him, sleepy and covered in blood. At least he is no longer able to see his kid until he has kept up with 2 years of regular sobriety tests (which he will never be able to do). It is, however, horrible that it had to come to that.

So, in light of such stories, I think that is best to not minimize his behiaviour in court to avoid a fight because it is very hard to undo an agreement. In your case, it really seems that sole custody with varying degrees of visitation depending on his sobriety and willingness to have supervised visits for quite a while is in the best interest of your daughter.

I hope it goes well and he does not go on a crazy rampage, but if he does, make sure you document it. Good parents unjustly served with such papers tend to respond with trying to start mediation again or simply being quiet and consulting their own lawyer, not becoming violent, threatening or ceasing contact with their child altogether.

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

[goodygumdrops]

I think you are doing the right thing. I wouldn't want my kid to have visitation in this circumstance. AND I certainly do not feel you are doing your child a disservice by keeping them from their abusive biofather.

I pray for you that everything works itself out