STBX gets served tonight - Page 2

[mama2toomany]

I think your doing the right thing for YOUR family. I want to offer you hugs and congrats, and a prayer that things will get better from here on out.

[Halfasianmomma]

Initially when I left STBX, what I wanted was sole custody and supervised visitation, because of the abuse I had to deal with at STBX's hands. I even spent a few nights a week for a month or so, along with Sunday afternoons sitting in STBX's apartment, supervising the visitation myself. After consulting a first lawyer however, I was told that the abuse and the alcoholism would have to be been documented and would have to have a documented effect on DD for supervised visitation to be granted. As SoSo Lynn mentioned, Quebec judges here are REALLY in favour of shared custody and there are these *fun* fatherly rights group running around the city sometimes blocking off bridges to protest about father's rights. So, realizing that STBX hadn'd laid a hand on DD and that there were no DUIs, arrests or stints in rehab to prove his addiction, I figured I might as well make the best of things and find a way to deal with shared custody. If that is the outcome of this process, I'll deal with it and protect DD as best I can, but I can't say I wouldn't be happy if I did obtain sole custody.

[DirtRoadMama]

Hey, halfie, I just wanted to add that I totally support what you are doing, and I agree with your lawyer. I'm glad that my kind-of-ex doesn't have the money to fight me in court, but makes too much to get a pro bono lawyer (they take his whole income into account, without giving him credit for child support coming out). Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, I hope you can get sole custody!

[Ceinwen]

Good for you mama.

It sounds like you are making the best decisions based on your situation.

I'm hoping it all comes to an amicable conclusion, and includes what's best for all parties involved.

[PinkNFluffy]

Good for you, you know what is best for yourself, don't worry about other people's negativity, you are doing what you and your lawyer feel is right!

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

Good for you mama.

It sounds like you are making the best decisions based on your situation.

I'm hoping it all comes to an amicable conclusion, and includes what's best for all parties involved.

:

[layne]

I just wanted to add a me too to everyone else's support of your decision and your family. It all gets better from here. Not immediately, and not without work, but you're on your way. Waiting for my stbx to be served was one of the most anxious experiences of my life. Hang in there, momma!

[Halfasianmomma]

Well he got served...

...and he obviously wasn't happy. But then again, who would be...

He called my house while I was out and grilled my dad about why I wasn't in, and then hung up on him. Then he called my cell while I was in a meeting, and then left a vaguely threatening text message (something like "BTW I have your journal, and I may use it against you").

Today there was a call to my work, and later on two calls to my home again. Finally, a voicemail message asking ever so politely what my intentions were regarding visitation.

I guess the fun has begun. I'll be speaking to my lawyer because I don't know if I'm supposed to continue visitation until we go to court (if STBX asks for it that is).

[Freedom~Mama]

good luck with everything.

[Ceinwen]

I know the anticipation alone just about did me in. I'm so glad you have your parents for support during this (my parents were a total rock for me too). Glad you're contacting your lawyer re: the visitation. On one hand - it would probably look bad to suddenly start withholding visitation, but on the other - you don't want him to do something silly either and have your dd caught in the middle.

Thinking about you!

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

All STBX has to do to get visitation is to show up in court, unrepresented, and ask for it. My lawyer will be telling him this when she contacts him the day before we're due to appear in court.
Yes mama this is fair.

I also do not want any child support from him because I know it will inflamme the situation further, but here in Quebec, I do not have a choice about whether or not to ask for it. CS is even automatically deducted at the source from one's salary.
[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]So you dont have the right of refusal? i can relate to you because this is what i have done and it certainly has had an effect on our relationship. but given his past history it seems to me he deserves to pay instead of impregnate and run.
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Eventually, he gave up weekday visitation of his own accord. I continue to facilitate all visitation (i.e. I drive DD to his house and then drive her back), and provide for DD diapers, change of clothing, lunch (he doesn't always feed her). Despite all this, he has shortened his remaining visitation considerably and has started to cancel some of them.

So overall, I *feel* like I'm being fair, considering his background and his track record.

yes you are. however just a word about his background. none of what you write makes him a 'bad' father. what makes him one is his refusal to be one. and the fact that he cant control his substance abuse which is at the root of all his problems. i know many abusive men with anger issues like my ex who make excellent fathers. they all hide their pain behind anger. you stand your ground and take no bullshit and even though they still try controlling you the intensity does go down.

i hope one day he can heal and become the father you dd deserves.

in the meantime yes absolutely - you protect your family.

one more question mama. this is to your heart.

do you really believe that he is capable of hurting your dd? he may not want to buy things or see her that often (i forget how old she is) but do you really think he can hurt her - or are you afraid he might hurt her? what does your gut say?

unfortunately too people with substance abuse are v. unpredictable.

the reason i ask is because no matter how abusive ex was to me and continues to be to me, i absolutely trust him with dd. he didnt see her that often till she was 3 but i knew its coz he just didnt know how to relate to a young child. he was completely lost. so even then thru all my heartache when dd was a toddler i knew one day he had the potential to step up to the plate. today the main thing is that he is at least TRYING.

[Halfasianmomma]

Unfortunately, no, there is no right of refusal of CS here. The courts consider that CS is for the benefit of the child and that the child has a right to a basic amount per year.

The only way around the system would be to refuse automatic deduction at source. STBX would have to provide 3 post-dated cheques for the amount determined by the courts (or lower if we can get the courts to agree), and then after the 3 month trial period, CS would be paid from STBX to me on a monthly basis. I could potentially tell STBX that I'd pay him right back, thereby by-passing CS altogether. I don't know if the government really checks up on this kind of thing. However if in the future I needed CS to help pay for say, DD's schooling, I couldn't turn around and ask for the government's help in garnishing his wages, since I would have already refused automatic deductions.

[Super~Single~Mama]

You need to document all the times he called. And, refusing visitation could make you look really bad right now, but definitely ask your lawyer.

[Halfasianmomma]

To answer your question meemee...I don't think STBX would hurt DD on purpose, but his fits of anger get so out of control sometimes that he might do so accidentally. He's manhandled my former DSS at times and hurt him, but it was never outright hitting. It's the in-your-face-yelling, name-calling, controlling/manipulating, belittling and breaking things that concern me. He's not above doing *that* to a child, his own son included, but those aren't considered "as bad" as physical abuse, so I keep facilitating visitation.

I do think that, in his own way, he loves his children, but I have trouble trusting him with a child too young to reach out for help. Also, because his addictions keep shifting and the substances he uses differ in effect, I'm never quite sure how he's going to be, especially in the mornings and evenings. For example, in the last few years we were together, he got hooked in sleeping pills, taking up to 5 a night, on top of alcohol. I couldn't trust him to take DD overnight until I knew for certain that there would be not narcotic consumption and that he could get up at night if she needed it. Having her in the afternoon before he starts to drink is ok with me, and DD has come back from her visits looking just fine, though dirty and unchanged.

In any case, I just spoke to my lawyer who told me it would be ok to go ahead and keep up with visitation, which is just fine with me. She reiterated the fact that all STBX needs to do is show up on May 3rd and he'll be granted access rights, though probably no more than he is already getting. Because of the low percentage of how much he sees her now, I'd still get sole custody, but he would have his access rights, should he present himself. She also reminded me that in the package of divorce and custody proceedings he received, there is a document indicating clearly what he needs to do if he wishes to contest (i.e. date, time, address, room number, what to bring, etc). So, he's been informed.

Guess it's a waiting game until May 3rd.

[LoveOhm]

Good luck mama, I hope you do know I am hoping the best for you and that you are blessed to have a good support system in place.