Help w/ zen approach to MIL

[bendmom]

So, my mil is nice, but that's about it. When she visits she doesn't help with the meal, or dishes, or even clear the table. SHe stands around and asks what's for dinner. She goes and sits at the couch and then asks what's for dessert. THis last time I told her there was ice cream in the freezer, and she just sat there saying how she really would like some ice cream. Ugh, I just wanted to say, "get it yourself". She retired recently as a nurse, and has given birthing classes to 9 couples, and the other night facing only D. at the table, mentioned she would really like to be at the birth, she could jump in if the midwife poops out. Well, thanks for asking me, since the baby is coming out of my vagina and not his.

The midwife is also a nurse and has been delivering homebirths for almost 15 years, pretty sure she can handle it? I wouldn't mind my mother there since she will make meals, do dishes, staighten the house, etc. she helps out, his mother does nothing and expects to be waited on. I dont' want dead weight at my birth. I don't want to have to worry about who's making the meals and taking care of all of us and his mom, when my mom will do all of it. How do I get this across to him without sounding like a total b****?
He says he wants his mom there for support, since he's there to support me, who's there to support him? It's like he doesn't see that his mother does nothing and expects to have everything done for her. We ended up arguing about it last night.

I'm thinking of creating a birth plan of some sort so we have written in stone who will be here, and why. I only want my mom for postpartum, since I know that's the toughest time. I'm going to be tired, I need someone who I trust to take the baby for me to nap, or even shower, make a meal, laundry etc. I just don't see his mom doing that, as she so far hasn't shown a nurturing side at all.

Sorry to vent. I really wanted to ask if anyone else has any family members who think they should get to be there for the birth that you dont' want there, and how you deal with it. My family is very laid back and only comes to help, I have honestly never dealt a woman like his mom before. I would like to send her an email politely letting her know that the midwife can handle it, and my mom, who is incredibly helpful around the house when she visits, when be there to help pp. Or, do I send her an email detailing what I expect from her as part of the birth plan, and if she's not up for it she can wait until I'm ready for visiters? How do I say this nicely without getting upset? Thanks ladies

[RedOakMomma]

I think this is something your husband and you need to be on the same page about before anything is done.

Honestly, it amazes me that he says he needs a support person in the room. Especially a person you don't feel comfortable having there. It's odd, and weirdly selfish. If he really feels he needs a support person, then I would suggest hiring a doula you both like. That way the person can actually be of some help, and you'll feel comfortable, AND you won't offend any family members by having "one side" of the family and not the other.

As for your MIL, I wouldn't start a conflict. I would just say (or have your husband say) that you're not planning on having any family in the room, and that you feel this is a very intimate time for the two of you. If you think it would appease her, have her stop by for a visit during that first day or two, but let her know ahead of time that it's only short visits, and that you'll be up for a longer visit a few days out.

My MIL sounds similar to yours...even when I had newborn twins, she would arrive at our apt. and expect to be served. It was so infuriating and upsetting. Especially since my mother had been so helpful when she stopped by.

I would really worry about it complicating or prolonging labor. No one should be there unless it's at YOUR invitation. No matter what your husband needs, it's not his body that has to accomplish the herculean task of giving birth. Your body is sensitive to your emotions, and having an unwanted person in the room can really mess things up.

Now, on the other hand, if you wanted someone there that HE didn't want there, I'd say that perhaps he had some room for argument. For example, my husband wants all our births to be private. I'd kind of like for a friend to be there for this, our third birth. But since it's so important for him to be there on his own, to support me on his own, and to be just the three of us when the baby is born, I'm willing to pass on inviting my friend. I can give that to him, because friend or not it won't interfere with the birth.

MIL, though? Not on your life.

[LZP]

I dont have experience in this particular situation, per se. But I know that people will want to be waiting outside the doors at our FSBC while I'm trying to push out our baby... and we've had to be very clear that we dont want ANYONE waiting with bated breath for us to "get the job done." and that we'll have to just call when we're ready for them to come. It's a smallplace, and their presence would make it impossible for me to relax knowing my MIL could hear me (potentially) screaming in the other side of the door.

No one was terribly excited about our plan. My mom thought she would be in the room, and also thought at least she'd be albe to run in like seconds after the baby is born. I love my mom, and know she'd be supportive, but that's just not happening.

This is a special time for you and DH. my first thought was to suggest you hire a doula like PP did. We ARE having a doula, bc i do think that as first timers we need the support of an experienced, neutral party. Just my preference. (My mom had a c-section, so would be of no help during the birth from an "experience" stand point.)

my thought is, you can either have it the way you want it, and risk someone's feelings getting hurt, or you can compromise what you want to avoid hurting someone elses' feelings. And since this is a pretty big deal event, I'd choose the former. I know you dont want to start a fight between you and DH, but if you were to explain the actual science behind your mental state, and possible hinderance of labor progression due to being uncomfortable, he might understand. If he needs a support person, a doula would be great for both of you- or a friend you can both agree upon?

Good luck with this, I know it's so hard, people have lots of expectations of families when it comes to birth, and it's hard to not feel like the birthing mom's preferences fall to the bottom of the list.

You deserve a peaceful, happy birth, mama!

[at_the_hip]

I remember reading a similar thread and a wise mama saying that "other than the midwife, those who were present during conception are welcome!" LOL And another said that unless the family member was willing to stand there naked and exposed to the room, they could respect the privacy. :P I think both points are valid, even if they are just to help your husband understand the intimacy of it. I feel blessed that dh and I are on the same page with MIL because it would be SO hard if we were not. Another thought would be to talk with the midwife about your reservations so that perhaps she could relay this to your husband (ie that it could/would affect your labor/birth if you felt that your privacy was invaded).

[aloneinid]

I've been in the same situation and our compromise was that I would not even have my own mother in the room in order to prevent my MIL from being present. While she (MIL) may have been somewhat helpful, she tends to get hysterical (with happiness) and there was no way I wanted here there screaming and jumping up and down while I was giving birth. My mom was upset, but understood where I was coming from. I pointed out to my husband that I am the one giving birth and therefore he doesn't have any say on who is present/not present and it helped that he had extensive exposure to information (Bradley classes and me reading him statistics) showing that a woman who doesn't feel safe in labor won't be able to progress properly. I also think I asked him if he would like my mom there if he was naked with his legs up in the air!
We invited our families to come see the baby once it was delivered. If you give them a phone call as soon as the baby is out they can arrive soon after (ours got here within 15 minutes) and share the excitement. My mom, just naturally, stayed after seeing the baby and cleaned up from the birth, swept, made dinner, etc. I am betting your MIL will make a big deal about the baby, but won't hang around. My MIL felt uncomfortable with all the help my mom was giving me (since it highlighted what she wasn't doing) and just kind of made herself scarce. Make it clear you just gave birth and don't cater to her wants AT ALL.
I also agree with the poster who suggested hiring a doula that both you and your husband agree on- to support both of you. Much of a doula's job is to "coach" the husband. My only regret from my first two births is not having a doula (I will get one this time).
Lastly, I would avoid a confrontation with your MIL, just inform all family members that it will be you and your husband, doula, midwife attending and that you will call everyone as soon as the baby arrives. You may not want to notify anyone you are in labor in the event that someone will try to "drop by" anyway. Good luck!
(And, as far as feeling Zen about this, I was soooo much more relaxed after we informed everyone of who would be present and it allowed me to focus on my birth, not their feelings).

[To-Fu]

Don't have her there if you think it will just stress you out! The stress can/will stall your labor, and that's no good.

I like your idea of a birth plan, and what about hiring a doula so you and your husband can have the additional support? Many doulas will also help around the house, you just have to read up on it.

[bendmom]

Thank you all for the wise advice! I sent her an email letting her first know that it means alot to us that she would like to be apart of the birth plan, and we would like her to be apart as well (non-violent communication lol). However:
We have chosen a homebirth so we can keep the amount of people in the plan at a minimum. THe midwife is perfectly capable of taking care of me, and will have an assistant that she feels comfortable with if it's neccessary.

I then told her that my mother usually helps out alot when she visits, and makes herself very useful postpartum. SHe cooks, cleans, shops, even helps with laundry. Since my mom will start teaching before I go into labor, she most likely wont' ba able to attend to us this time. If she is interested in nurturing D. and I, she is more than welcome to stay and help for a couple of days. Again, the labor part is taken care of, so we can really just use her to help around the house, and if that's not up her alley, I can get a doula, and she can visit a few days after I give birth.

I know it was up front, but it was honest!