An issue to discuss (group work)

[chaoticzenmom]

So, I've been homeschooling my kids for 3years now. Things are going well, we're happy, lean towards unschooling etc. I take my kids to various classes, art, gymnastics, soccer, etc. We also go to church (UU) and my kids are in a class there. My kids are the kind of kids that would probably be fairly "popular" in Public schools.

When I go to my son's class, the teacher wants to talk to me. She knows I homeschool, of course. She wonders if my son has mentioned having a problem with a girl in the class. I say "no." Then, she tells me that my son (10yrs) wouldn't work in a group with this girl and was quite rude/direct/firm about it even after the teacher pressed. Then she starts telling me that "in the real world/corporate world" he's going to have to learn to work in a group, etc. I mentioned that a major goal of mine was to have my kids have no fear of authority and maybe it worked too well (said it in a laughing, oops, sorry my son disrupted your lesson kind of way). She said it a few more times how "when he grows up and gets a job...., if he ever has a run-in with a police officer....etc." I said I'd talk with him and left.

I talked with him and he doesn't like this girl but had no reason why. We discussed teamwork and not making people feel bad/rejected, listening to the teacher, etc.
Anyway, it's left me kind of stumped. I'm bothered by the situation, but not sure at who or why. I'm feeling like my method of educating was attacked, but maybe it was a just attack. Would it have been as big of a deal if he was public schooled? This girl has a hard time making friends for some reason and this was just another in a long line of incidents, apparently. How could my homeschooled kid even know she was a "target" type of person? He's not been exposed to "popularity" that I've ever seen. Ugh. I'm glad he knows how to be assertive, but I'm sad that he hurt this girl's feelings.

Have you had a similar situation happen? What about this would bother you if anything? Would you add "group work" to your day somehow? How would you even do that?

[*Lisa*]

Honestly, I think that this sort of thing happens with schooled, homeschooled, and unschooled kids. I think that the repetitiveness of the teacher's comments would have left me feeling a bit attacked if it had been my kid, though it's hard to know how the teacher would have dealt with a schooled kid who did the same thing... I don't think that there's a good way to add group work into your day, but it sounds like your kids have many opportunities to practice group work (classes/sports/Sunday school). I think if it were my kid, I would talk to him about the inherent worth and dignity of every person. I'd also ask him to talk about how this girl might feel when she is left out/ostracized. I might help him brainstorm ways to deal with a similar situation in a more constructive way.

[chaoticzenmom]

Thanks Lisa. That's a great idea. I'll research how other people have taught their children how to use the principles. We hear them so much, they become empty words.

[Aeress]

I would have annoyed at the "corporate world comment" and depending on how it was approached, I would have felt attacked as well.

Children don't have to like all children. I think learning to work with others, even those who we aren't fond of, is a good lesson but it shouldn't be because the child won't learn to function in the business world. Maybe sit in on the class and see what is going on and maybe friend the child(?).

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by *Lisa*

I think if it were my kid, I would talk to him about the inherent worth and dignity of every person. I'd also ask him to talk about how this girl might feel when she is left out/ostracized. I might help him brainstorm ways to deal with a similar situation in a more constructive way.

i think this is good advice.

[One_Girl]

I agree with Lisa. Kids in public school also exclude each other and there are some very strong willed children who would have done the same thing. Since it is a church class I am surprised that she didn't keep her comments focused on church values and exclusion going against those values. I think it is good for kids to stand up for what is right and for them to be able to stand up for themselves even with an adult, but it sounds like he was in the wrong in this situation and he may need to have more information about when standing up for yourself is really warranted.

[chaoticzenmom]

I'm thinking it's all how one looks at it as well. I know that PS kids exclude each other, but if it's a HS child, then they just don't know how to work in a group. Same action, different conclusion.

I've never seen him be exclusive before and he's friends with girls and boys in our groups, some older and younger. So, I wouldn't think that I"d have to tell him how to do something I thought he already was doing. What a shock to realize that he'd see this girl and somehow treat her the way she's treated in PS. That part confuses me. I look at her and she's fine. I thought/hoped my kids were more accepting than that. It's one of the reasons we homeschool.

We talked about how she felt, but I didn't talk about how to handle it in the future. I'll definitely be doing that.
Thanks for the responses
Lisa

[AJP]

If it was my son, I would certainly address it, ask him to think about how the girl felt and discuss ways to handle such things more compassionately in the future. However, if a teacher told me that my child would have to learn how to work compliantly in a group so he could fit into the "real" corporate world, I would thank her for her opinion and for letting me know what happened, but would also tell her that my goal is not to raise a docile corporate drone.