Need your wise thoughts - preschooler being "told about sex"

[kirstin924]

I'm really hoping that your wise words will help me as I'm feeling very upset. My four year old daughter was playing with the little boy next door and were acting a little suspiciously. There has been quite a lot of clothes removing by them both in the last few weeks but when asked today they said they were playing the "sex game". When we asked more and what she knew about sex she said that it was when the "willy goes into the hole in a girls bottom". Apparantly her female cousin (who is 10) told her this about a month ago. We try to be very open with her and have always answered all her questions openly but appropriately to her age and made it clear she wasn't in trouble but that we didn't want to have secrets but she wouldn't tell us any more and clammed up.

My DH has spoken to his brother about this (the girls father) to try to find out exactly what was said but I'm worried about her reaction to this, what we should do, what might have been said and that she has picked up information or an emotion about sex that we would not wish. I'm really upset that at this young age her first real information about sex has come from another child rather than ourselves and I also feel so bad that our neighbours and friends are now having to deal with this issue with their little boy too.

Any advice would be gratefully recieved

Kirsten

[mummyofan]

So sorry....
go to the library, get as many books on reproduction (age app) of us, animals, butterflies are great starter books, etc and slowly take her through them, but don't make it into too much of a memory; you just want to 'drown out' the recent stuff, but leave the pathways in her brain available for further, later thought and teaching by you.
That's my advice, fwiw!

[mummyofan]

i just noticed that this is your 1st post!
Welcome, Mama!!!!

[ps4624]

I personally would not be overly concerned. There are millions upon millions of people in the world who learned about sex from a peer rather than their parents, and I am sure the majority turned out just fine. I think this is an opportunity to discuss sex with your daughter and invite her to ask any questions that she might have.

I also think "playing doctor" at her age is normal. I would probably use this as an opportunity to discuss appropriate touching, etc.

Don't worry too much, mama. I think it will be fine.

Welcome to MDC!

[WingonWing]

Hi!

I'm so sorry you're upset.

Lots of people discover bodies by taking of their clothes and playing with each other which (IMO) is perfectly healthy.

Like PP said, get some books at the library. This is probably WAY earlier than you pictured dealing with this, but you can turn it around to something positive!

I only hope that the 10 year old doesn't get in trouble with her parents or learn a bad message about sex!

Good luck.

[2cutiekitties]

on the outside.....I wouldnt make a big deal about it and get some books at the library and have a talk with her, but, on the inside I would be freaking out that my dear sweet baby was seducing the kid next door and wanting to play sex, anal at that

Will be a funny story when she is an adult

[Oubliette8]

Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties

on the outside.....I wouldnt make a big deal about it and get some books at the library and have a talk with her, but, on the inside I would be freaking out that my dear sweet baby was seducing the kid next door and wanting to play sex, anal at that

Will be a funny story when she is an adult

I don't think the kids were talking about anal sex. When I was a kid, both my genitals and my butt were referred to as my bottom in my family. Naturally this caused some confusion, but thats what my parents taught us. If I had to describe vaginal sex at that age, it would have been the same as the girl described by the OP.

[2cutiekitties]

Originally Posted by Oubliette8

I don't think the kids were talking about anal sex. When I was a kid, both my genitals and my butt were referred to as my bottom in my family. Naturally this caused some confusion, but thats what my parents taught us. If I had to describe vaginal sex at that age, it would have been the same as the girl described by the OP.

sorry, that was meant to be funny, like an adult joke for grownups. I was trying to emphasize the embarass part. Last night I was wondering if I put the right emoticon.......

I will say we were more sophisticated in my day saying the wee wee went into the pee pee

[akayerich]

I was told about sex by some older kids when I was around 5. I think they were around 9 or 10 at the time, so I was told pretty much the same thing as your daughter. They also told me that I shouldn't tell my parents that I knew about it, because it was something only grown-ups should know about. Which was weird for me, and as a child I probably thought of sex as something "bad" because of it. So I think it's great that you are aware that she knows about it, and that you are talking to her about it. And I agree that library books is a good idea.

[GuildJenn]

Well here's my story. I babysat for a child for a number of years. When he was about 4 he asked me (on public transit) how babies were made. I knew his family well enough to be pretty sure I should just answer, so I did in the most vague terms possible. (The man's seed joins up with the woman's egg....)

After this discussion on this crowded streetcar, he said in that clear little boy voice they have, "well so-and-so told me the MAN puts his PENIS in the woman's VAGINA...IS THAT TRUE?????"

So I had to assert that it was true. There was some chuckling around me. But then my young charge said, "WHY didn't you TELL ME?" And I said, dying of mortification, "I didn't think it was important."

"WELL," he said, "what ELSE didn't you think was IMPORTANT????"

At that point the passengers around us just lost it. (I did let his parents know about the whole thing, of course.)

All of which is to say...you know, there just is not always an ideal way to find these things out. I agree that now it's up to you to kind of sort it out with her by providing a bit more information. And it might be a good idea for a little chat (in different ways) with both her and the cousin about sensitive topics and privacy. But I really don't think there will be any lasting harm to anyone.

[Vancouver Mommy]

Find out what she knows, find out how she feels about what she heard and then fill in any gaps that you think need filled.

[sleepingbeauty]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

Well here's my story. I babysat for a child for a number of years. When he was about 4 he asked me (on public transit) how babies were made. I knew his family well enough to be pretty sure I should just answer, so I did in the most vague terms possible. (The man's seed joins up with the woman's egg....)

After this discussion on this crowded streetcar, he said in that clear little boy voice they have, "well so-and-so told me the MAN puts his PENIS in the woman's VAGINA...IS THAT TRUE?????"

So I had to assert that it was true. There was some chuckling around me. But then my young charge said, "WHY didn't you TELL ME?" And I said, dying of mortification, "I didn't think it was important."

"WELL," he said, "what ELSE didn't you think was IMPORTANT????"

At that point the passengers around us just lost it. (I did let his parents know about the whole thing, of course.)

All of which is to say...you know, there just is not always an ideal way to find these things out. I agree that now it's up to you to kind of sort it out with her by providing a bit more information. And it might be a good idea for a little chat (in different ways) with both her and the cousin about sensitive topics and privacy. But I really don't think there will be any lasting harm to anyone.

That reminded me of a funny thing my littlest sister did within the past year (she's 9).

She marched right in and tells my other sister (17) "I know where babies come from!" So the 17 yr old goes, "oh yeah? Where do ba..." and the little one inturrupts "THEY COME FROM BUTTS! I watch A Baby Story with Mom and that's where they come from!"

My sister nearly died laughing.

[yentroc]

I recently saw a great speaker who talked about having "the talk" with your kids by preschool age. (one of the reasons was so that you can tell your LO about sex before someone else does) What's done is done in your case, but not too late for you to have the discussions you want, it's an ongoing thing as the kids get older.

Her business is: www.birdsandbeesandkids.com

And a great book that she recommended that my 5 yo loves is: It's Not the Stork.

[Black Orchid]

I am a doula and CBE, so I live and breathe birth and therefore my kiddos were exposed at young ages. My 6 YO recently asked exactly how babies are made, so I explained the physical process as well as the emotional component. My (nearly 4 YO DD) was present, too and she understood what I was saying.

They both thought it sounded rather gross, but interesting. I could definitely see them talking with other people about it.

I don't think it is shocking to have a 4 YO know about sex or even "pretent sex", play doctor, etc. Its a teachable moment about having approriate boundries with our bodies.

It is so important to make talk about sex and our bodies a lifelong matter, not just "the talk". Because if we aren't talking with our kids about it, someone else will and it might not be how we want it being done.