Anyone ffended that they were not invited to your homebirth?

[sellendie]

I was just curious if anyone had family or friends that were upset or offended that they were not invited to be present during or immediately after your homebirth?

I know a lot of families have the hospital waiting room mentality and expect to get an immediate peek and get to hold the baby within a couple hours. How did you handle it?

[frenchkissed]

I wish!

Originally Posted by sellendie

I was just curious if anyone had family or friends that were upset or offended that they were not invited to be present during or immediately after your homebirth?

I know a lot of families have the hospital waiting room mentality and expect to get an immediate peek and get to hold the baby within a couple hours. How did you handle it?

My mom won't even watch the video. Ha.

[briome]

This will be my third birth....and after the fiasco of the first (c-section, unneeded, hospital) where all my in-laws got to hold the baby before I even touched him....ugg, still annoying thinking about that.---
Anyway, I am very boundary oriented about my births now. In fact, I don't even want people to KNOW that I am in labor. I don't want anyone to come and help with the children or take them away....etc. by anyone I mean, anyone but the few 'approved' that I feel don't bother me and have good positive energy. That means excluding all in-laws and most of my own family including my mother.
It does not matter how they feel about it as long as I am comfortable. If they can't respect that then that is their own problem. If they give you a problem ask them if you can hang out in the bathroom next time they are constipated..I mean, really, where does anyone get off thinking they are entitled? Do they want to be there next time you conceive too?

I even padded my due date by 10 days for all the extra people (other then the approved and MW) just so I won't be badgered. I REALLY feel the anxious energy and I can't afford that on my mentality for birth. I really wish we could keep the birth secret for a day but hubby likes to call everyone just after. I wish no body would come for a week, I just want privacy! Hubby vetoed that one too, but at least untill I produce the baby I get my way!

Soooo, you might want to be gentle about refusing, I get that. My MIL is pretty pushy this time being a little passive agressive trying to wedge her way into birth land. She makes me really anxious and that is the LAST thing I would ever want. She offers to come and take the kids for a walk during labor or 'help' in anyway during the birth. She questions why I would want my sister and cousin here if I didn't want them comforting me during birth. I said I wanted them to help with the kids and the house, and then she stated, "well they don't need to come I can do that." Keep in mind she kinda tricked me into that devulgeing that information. I waffle and say that I don't know when I will go into labor, the kids might be asleep blah blah blah, all very true! She is super suspicous too and lives 15 min away so I worry she might start driving by and seeing if any extra cars are in our driveway!!! Ugg I HOPE I am just being paranoid!!!!

Anyway, remember that in most cases they will 'get over it' and I'm sure you can think of a lot of reasons you didn't end up calling them in labor (we were fine, labor went fast, too frantic to call ). You can always say you will call them if you need them which will likely be true!

[cathicog]

if they did, a) it was never mentioned, and b) it would be grounds for examining my relationship with them, and trying to decide if that was going to keep on happening. If so, time to end the relationship. I don't/didn't have time to worry about other peoples' offenses if i did/did not invite them to my birth. It was my party,and I only wanted people who could help, and who would bring good energy. There was one person who desperately wanted to come to my last birth, and I said no, for two reasons: 1) her husband would have made her keep the kids with her(she had 4 and they weren't obedient and we lived in a small 2 br apt), 2) she was emotionally needy and I didn't need to babysit her at that time in my life, and 3) I think it would have been a physical and spiritual drain on me. As it was, I had my assistant there, two young women from church, and my husband. That was it...it was a long labor, for posterior positioning, that I didn't catch at first.(labor brain)... The assistant realised it, and suggested postural changes, which worked.She also monitored the baby's hr, and reminded me to eat, drink and go potty... For which I am extremely grateful! I am still friends with the person who wanted to be at my birth. She said she understood...and had to wait til her own grandchildren were born, to get to go to a birth!

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by briome

My MIL is pretty pushy this time being a little passive agressive trying to wedge her way into birth land. She makes me really anxious and that is the LAST thing I would ever want. .....She is super suspicous too and lives 15 min away so I worry she might start driving by and seeing if any extra cars are in our driveway!!! Ugg I HOPE I am just being paranoid!!!!

I don't think you are being paranoid- looks like she's given you enough evidence by now to know what she might attempt to do! What a sneaky bugger! Can't your husband tell her to buzz off, and he will call when you are ready for her to visit---it's YOUR birth! ?

[briome]

Originally Posted by cathicog

I don't think you are being paranoid- looks like she's given you enough evidence by now to know what she might attempt to do! What a sneaky bugger! Can't your husband tell her to buzz off, and he will call when you are ready for her to visit---it's YOUR birth! ?

He is A LOT better then he was early in our marriage and is generally OK. When he gets worried or concerned I think he gets that just 'want to talk to mom' thing. Hopefully he will be able to manage his own anxiety this time. The apple dosen't fall far from the tree!

[MyFillingQuiver]

We have had some pretty big boundary issues with my MIL in the past years of our marriage. She lives far away, and is not connected to us, whatsoever. She chooses to live her life, and then come and BOMBARD us with long, annoying visits to make herself feel better. I can handle some of that, but she chose to come at important times, like our children's birthdays, which we always make quiet and special, and IMMEDIATELY POST PARTUM.

I have finally got up enough nerve to let her know that she MUST clear her visits with ME, not just her son, before a visit. He doesn't experience the same extreme anxiety surrounding her visits (though he has quite a bit!) and doesn't have to deal with her questioning my choices, as well as being the home maker to prepare for her visit.

When I had our last child, I told her not to schedule the visit for something like less than 6 weeks from my due date. Since I was well past my due date, she ended up being here like right at 4 weeks old..the height of adjustment for me. It was not good. I also realized that what I hate the most is to have people know I'm in labor.

This time, I'm planning a homebirth. I know how she felt about the VBA2C (not good-she's a MSN who is very medically minded) and definitely know how she feels about the homebirth. I don't want her knowing any more details. I don't want her calling and pretending she cares when I'm laboring..and I don't want her pretending she cares about this baby once it's born, since she would have preferred if our last three didn't exist.

So, I'm also figuring out how to handle her wanting to come out at some point close..what to say...the timeline, etc. One thing I've learned is that I will plan on going 2 weeks overdue..and go from there!

[To-Fu]

My mom was very offended. She felt it was somehow owed to her, and our relationship was very strained at the time (which made matters worse). I did not speak to her for period of time after the birth, except to tell her that my son was born and healthy.

But you know what? She got over it. My son is 27mo now and I'm 33 weeks pregnant with my second. She knows better than to ask to be present at this birth. It's not a spectator sport, people! It's a really powerful and private/intimate moment. I don't want an audience, thanks.

[jdg]

I'm planning my for my first birth (due in June!) and most people have not asked to be invited. They are most likely making the correct assumption - that if I don't invite them, they shouldn't be there. My sister-in-law, who lives 3 hours away started to say something about us calling her as soon as possible so she could drive up and I just responded by telling her that we did not intend to tell anyone until after the baby is born.

Honestly, the person I'm having the most trouble with is my husband I really want NO ONE outside of our birth team told that I am in labor. They can be told after the baby is born. And even that doesn't have to happen immediately, as far as I'm concerned - they can all just leave us alone to get to know the baby and recover some before the phone calls and visitors start coming in. Hubby is very close to his family and I KNOW that he wants to be able to announce to them the moment things are starting to happen. I'm 98% sure that he will respect my wishes to not have anyone informed, but there's that 2% chance...

Also, we're going to set up "visiting hours" once we're willing to have guests. Something like 5-7 PM. The out-of-towners have all been advised to not even buy plane tickets until after the baby is here and then they will have to stagger their visits. Our local friends know their way around our house a bit and can potentially be of some help. The out-of-towners are all more likely to need to be "entertained" and I have no desire to be in that position.

[donutmolly]

Nope! But it was easier because no one besides Dh and the MW were invited... I can see how hurt feelings might occur if some people were invited, while others were not. My mom/ sister were supposed to be here for my 2nd and 3rd births, just to watch the older kids -- but neither made it on time. I am glad to have my mom take care of me after the birth, but birthing is my space!

[Marilyn82]

I am dealing with this right now. No one is being horrible or anything, but it's amazing how many people just expect to be invited. This is going to be an HBAC for me and we have a super small apartment, so I really want very few people there. Most people have been understanding, even if disappointed, but people really do NOT get it. I have two best friends that are sisters. I'm planning on having one of them there, but not the other - so that has been an issue. Especially since I was present when sister #2 (not invited) had her babies. It has to do with their personality and 'vibe' as well as how much they know/support homebirth. That is HUGE to me. It's not about how much I love them. I also have a very close friend who is a doula, and she is reeeaaally having a hard time not being invited. Unfortunately she is not someone I would ever choose as MY doula. Not because she isn't great in many, many ways (and just perfect for many couples I am sure), but her energy is just not the same as mine and my husbands. She is just too intense for me, and I'm very private and don't like to be touched by many people and I love her to death but I just can't have her at the birth.

But it's really funny who thinks they will be there. My SIL who I barely know thought she would come up from out of state a week before my due date with my husbands aunt who I have met ONCE, and stay until the baby is born....so they could be sure not to "miss it". I was all, uhhhh.....on what planet? lol

[dannic]

My last birth (HB) I invited only my mom. And had my sister who was living at home at the time take my kids. So my parents and siblings at home new I was in labor. We called my MIL about an hour after birth. I think she wanted to be at the birth but has too much tact to ask and was hurt that we didn't call until an hr afterward. I have slow recoveries and that hour was spent getting me food, nursing baby and getting me comfortable. We didn't announce the name until she arrived an hour later. I love my MIL but we don't see eye to eye on some things and she is an anxious sort of person and I felt/feel that her nervous energy would negatively affect me.
This time around, I'm not even inviting my mom--and she literally lives next door right now.
It wasn't until I had a HB that I felt so in tune to my feelings. The less people the better.

[averlee]

Yeah, a lot of people were offended. My mom, sister, niece, mother in law, father in law, and brother in law all got their feelings hurt that I didn't want them watching me push a baby out. I tried to explain that I needed privacy because I'd be naked and leaking fluids and pooping a lot.

[sellendie]

Originally Posted by averlee

Yeah, a lot of people were offended. My mom, sister, niece, mother in law, father in law, and brother in law all got their feelings hurt that I didn't want them watching me push a baby out. I tried to explain that I needed privacy because I'd be naked and leaking fluids and pooping a lot.

[briome]

good one Averlee! Well said!

[thefreckledmama]

I'm gearing up for this, because we live with my inlaws...which also includes my husband's 2 aunts and grandmother. We're in the master bedroom which is on the other side of the kitchen from the rest of the house, so there's enough separation to keep it private enough for me, but they're still under the same roof. I'm not really concerned with the labor aspect, I think they'll all be perfectly fine staying away, it's immediately after and the first hours and days I'm concerned with.

My husband is supposed to be having a sit down with everyone in the next few days outlining the fact that we're not going to be playing "pass the baby", and just because we're under the same roof doesn't mean that it's going to be a baby free for all once he's born. Also, we'll probably allow his grandmother to see the baby soon after his birth, because he's being named after her husband, and she's 91 years old...so she gets special privileges...the snag with that will be his two aunts who assume they should be involved with anything that goes on and throw temper tantrums when they're not. I seriously dare them to engage me in anything right after I give birth.

I do intend on having my mom, my SIL (who is also my best friend), and another close friend present for the birth. Not only because I want them there for me, but because they're helping wrangle the older 3 kids while I'm laboring and birthing.

It never ceases to amaze me how much other people can make a birth out to be "all about them", when it's totally not...it's all about mom, what she wants and doesn't want, and to a lesser degree, dad.

[phathui5]

Maybe it was because my homebirth was my 4th baby and no one had ever been invited to any of my other births (1 hospital, 2 birth center), but no one asked to come to our homebirth and I really don't think anyone was offended about not being there.

[emnic77]

This is one of those (many, many) instances when I'm glad we live so far away from all the grandparents. It's a 7 hour drive for my parents and a plane ride away for my in-laws. DH told them no visitors til July, and my parents will be coming down in June for my daughter's karate black belt ceremony and party, so that keeps them away for about a month. My mother was at my dd's birth, and came down shortly after ds was born, and she brought the drama both times so I'm not sure she was surprised when, when asked, I declined her help post partum for this one. My dad would never dream of inviting himself, so he just waits for an invite from me, no stress or guilt involved.

My sister lives downstairs and has no kids and has NO desire to see me pushing out a baby, so no problems there. My other sister lives 7 hours away and has her own kids and also wouldn't dream of imposing. I'm glad my family tends towards privacy.

[Belle]

My mom and FIL showed up at the hospital during the labor with my first. Mom was invited into the room where she promptly made my labor a living hell. She does not know how to behave around a laboring woman. I didn't have the strength to boot her out. FIL and his girlfriend never set foot in our room and were asked to go to the waiting room. My MIL is a sweetheart and would have been welcome at the birth had she not been out of town at the time.

For our homebirth I let my mom know that she could be at the birth if she practiced looking calm in the mirror first. I was serious but I think she thought I was joking. Long story short. MIL was at the birth as DD1's support person and we didn't call my mom, dad, or FIL until after the birth. My mom expressed initial disappointment that we didn't call her for the birth but got over it quickly and never mentioned it again when I told her it was a fast birth and I was too busy to call her. She ran right over to our place to see her new granddaughter. She was very pleased that she was born safely.

ETA: I should add that as a child my MIL was present when her younger sibling was born on their farm in Kansas. She was definately the right person to be Dd1's support person. Very supportive of natural/home birth. She had 3 natural births herself in the 1970s. One of those births were twins.

[Bellabaz]

No one was offended for us. My friend who was there was very honored though. I wouldn't really care if I offended anyone though because its a really private and special moment, not the freaking opening act at the circus.