How can I bring it up? 23 week preemie coming home soon

[2boyzmama]

My husband's friend had her baby on Christmas Day at only 23 weeks. He's doing fantastic, really really well! Just amazing.

The mom is an OB nurse. I don't know her. From her posts on facebook, I get the impression that she tends towards attached parenting (she's been pumping around the clock since he was born, she talked long and hard with the drs when they wanted to start him on high-calorie formula, she spends hours upon hours just sitting by his isolette, doing kangaroo care for hours, etc)

I'm so afraid that she's going to circ him This poor baby has been through so much, but now as he's approaching discharge, I'm sure the NICU staff is going to bring up circ. In fact, he had a UTI a week ago that set him back really quickly (he had to be put back on the vent, all of his feeds had to be stopped, his bowels shut down, etc). He had a VCUG yesterday and it was normal, no reflux.

SO...I don't know this mom at all. I have no idea if she's even pro or anti circ in the frist place! But I just shudder to think of that poor baby being circ'd How can I somehow pass info on to her about it? Any ideas?

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

That is a really hard one. I am going to think about this a bit today and come back if I think of anything.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Honestly, i wouldn't mention it to her. She's been through so much already, and if you even sound slightly judgmental in the way you approach it, she may be very offended.

I'd also like to believe that if she talked that lengthily about formula with her son's dr, that she's having the same questions and concerns about circ.

If you do decide to talk to her about it, be very careful of her feelings and don't attack her - don't say anything that could even be taken as an attack. She's been through alot - I can't even imagine.

[Jaesun's Dad]

I wouldn't say a word to someone I didn't know (well, except maybe "congratulations" and some kind words about being strong and how wonderful it is that he's coming home, etc). I'd be extremely put off if someone I didn't know made it their business, regardless of whatever decisions we had already discussed/planned. If you did want to mention it to her I'd try to spend a good amount of time getting to know her first.

I'm sure the NICU staff is going to bring up circ

I wouldn't be so sure. No medical professional has said a peep about it to either of us in the past three months :-)

[-Grace-]

If she's not seeking input, she's not likely to take it from someone she doesn't know. This will sound twisted, but since she's an OB nurse, let's just hope she's seen enough of what can go wrong to not want to subject her own micro-preemie to it. 23 weeks isn't even considered to be medically viable (that's the 24-week mark), but here's here. Why risk anything else with him?

[wannaBmom_NICU_RN]

The NICU's I've worked don't push Circ...its a simple "do you want him circ'd?" then yes or no it doesn't matter. So don't be too stressed!

[zinemama]

After all she's been through, having a stranger start asking about the state of her baby's penis...? I can't see a good outcome to that.

[beru]

Originally Posted by wannaBmom_NICU_RN

The NICU's I've worked don't push Circ...its a simple "do you want him circ'd?" then yes or no it doesn't matter. So don't be too stressed!

If someone asked me that exact question in the NICU, I would consider it "pushy". Honestly, it truly disturbs me that a unit that's specialty is such sick, disabled babies would even entertain unnecessary surgery. Parents should be told that it is contraindicated in a little one who has already suffered so much and is very likely still not in optimal health.

[claddaghmom]

I would try a different approach. Tell her you have been looking at the circumcision issue and you were wondering, since she has a preemie and is a professional, what the guidelines are for preemie babies and circ. Then if she seems as if she is going to circ him, you can reply to her reasons gently or continue the learning process... "Oh, I've heard of that reason but I was just reading XYZ and thought this is actually true? Have you heard of it? Thanks so much for the info!" Etc...

[2boyzmama]

Thanks guys. As badly as I want to say something, I have no idea how I would go about it. I don't know the mom (she was a friend of my husband's in high school, and they haven't really spoken since, except for facebook), she's in a different state, the only way I "know" her is by stalking her carepages page! I was going to leave an anonymous comment on her carepages page with the web address for nocirc, but it won't let me leave an anonymous comment. So I think I'm going to just drop it, and hope and pray that she either was already anti-circ, or that the thought of anything else happening to her baby is enough to deter her.

And I, also, thought that viability was at 24 weeks, so when he was born at 23 weeks 4 days, I was very scared. Her water broke 8 days before, so she was in the hospital and given antibiotics and steroids, maybe that was the difference. Anyway, he's doing great! Of course has lung disease, but other than that appears to be totally healthy, no heart issues (had a PDA surgically closed at two weeks old), no kidney issues, no seizures, no blindness, no deafness, etc. He does have a very touchy digestive system, but that's pretty common.

[mama2soren]

I don't know exactly what to tell you. My instinct is to encourage you not to bring it up, considering that you don't know her at all, she hasn't asked for your advice, and she's already been through too much.

I was an OB nurse, which solidified my position that any son of mine absolutely would not be circ'd. Maybe she's witnessed a traumatizing circ, too. My son was a preemie, the only time the NICU staff said anything about circing was to congratulate me for making a good choice in not circing him. Maybe she'll also have a good staff at her NICU. My son had a UTI within 7 days of discharge (normal VCUG), and not a single person at Children's brought up circing. Perhaps she'll have a similar experience.

It sounds like she is a pro-active, knowledgeable mama. Hopefully she's educate herself on this issue.

[azgirl]

FYI, at our NICU they circ preemies on the same "schedule" they do termies, right before discharge. Our 25 weeker was in the NICU for 4.5 months and they didn't mention it until the night before he left when they asked me by-the-way are we circing him? Actually I've been wanting to post about this here. I feel so lucky and blessed to have an easy/great way to discuss circ because of our experience: "We got used to his penis the way it was for 4.5 months of diaper changes, it didn't make sense to change it after that." and "we realized that we didn't have to do anything to it (penis/foreskin) at all since the NICU nurses didn't have to do anything to his foreskin the whole time he was in the NICU" I really am able to talk about it a lot more than I would otherwise. Now, I know this sort of "we were surprised by how easy it was to take care of an intact boy" approach wouldn't fly with some folks, but it has really worked for me. Of course I was NEVER going to circ, but the NICU made it SO much easier not too!! No better way to get an on-the-fence husband to be militantly anti-circ than to have your MIL bug Daddy about circing an 8-day old micro-preemie who is struggle to live...poor woman.

So if she was on the fence at all....the NICU can help. BUT most the NICU nurses circ their sons even though they know it isn't medically necessary. Culture is a powerful thing, apparently.

[jessjgh1]

We've also heard horror stories about NICU's that aren't so knowledgeable. I can even think of a friends who had a great hospital that encouraged kangaroo care, babywearing, pumping, etc. but still really pushed circ.

OP, I think the best thing is to be open minded. If there is an opportunity that comes up you might have a chance to say something.
If you really really feel compelled you could try a simple post like ' hi i know we don't know each other but I noticed that you are pumping doing this and doing that, I'm another some-consider crazy crunchy momma and if you ever feel like you need support on an issue, I'd be happy to listen- I think it is wonderful that you are pumping or post something you read that is meaningful to you.'

The thing with premies is it is a shame that nicu's don't push delaying them. There is such a sense of urgency and it is especially hard at such a vulnerable time.

Jessica

[Arduinna]

The babies I've known that were that early, circing was not even an option. They didn't offer them to babies that little. I know one person that did it after the normal EDD was passed.

Or maybe I misunderstood the OP?

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

I would try a different approach. Tell her you have been looking at the circumcision issue and you were wondering, since she has a preemie and is a professional, what the guidelines are for preemie babies and circ. Then if she seems as if she is going to circ him, you can reply to her reasons gently or continue the learning process... "Oh, I've heard of that reason but I was just reading XYZ and thought this is actually true? Have you heard of it? Thanks so much for the info!" Etc...

Great idea.

[texmati]

How about saying:

Have you considered not circumcising? We wrestled with the decision, but decided against it for x, x, and x.

I admit I haven't been hugely successful with this approach, but at least it gets the info out there.

[tutucrazy]

If he had a UTI you could bring it up by giving her proper intact care information and remind her never to try to retract his foreskin as that can cause UTI in infants.

http://www.nocirc.org/statements/breastfeeding.php
http://www.drmomma.org/2009/12/how-f...ainst-uti.html
http://www.mothering.com/health/prot...advice-parents
http://www.nocirc.org/publish/4pam.pdf