Diet 911 for 2.5 y/o

[SollysMom]

My 2.5y/o DS has the worst eating habits, and I'd like to make some drastic changes before DS2 (and future children) are old enough to learn from his example.

For some background, he still nurses (frequently) so I'm not worried that he's malnourished. Also, while he is small and slim for his age (so am I), his body has great muscle tone and does not look malnourished. I also firmly believe that he will eat if he's hungry - and he seems happy and healthy - so even though he doesn't eat much solids, I don't worry that he's not getting enough.

For some specifics... he's incredibly picky. We started BLW with him when he was 6-7 months and as a baby he ate a lot better. He would eat steamed broccoli, roasted sweet potato "fries", and he LOVED hummus (he would eat it on toast or suck it off of baby carrots). As he got a little older he developed a love for cheese, which he still likes. Now, he's very picky. Foods he'll sometimes eat include Cheerios, Annie's whole wheat bunny crackers (I tell myself they're good for him because they're whole wheat LOL), bread/toast (whole wheat), tortillas (whole grain), peanuts, cashews, American cheese slices (from the deli, never "processed cheese food"), shredded cheese of any kind. He likes apples (whole, never sliced) but will often eat just half an apple or even just a few bites, then leave the rest. He used to like raisins but hasn't eaten those recently either. I've tried offering him other dried fruits since he liked raisins, but he never would try them. The only vegetable he'll go near now is baby carrots, but they have to be raw and I have to offer at exactly the right time or he won't eat them. Even when he does eat them, he'll usually just eat 1-2 if that. I think he still likes hummus, but the past several times I've offered it to him he hasn't eaten much and just thrown most of it on the floor and smeared it around his tray. He won't eat with a fork or spoon, but I know he's mechanically capable because he loves to feed my husband from a fork/spoon.

The other thing is he LOVES treats. I fully blame my husband! It's their little special thing that my husband will sneak in the other room and give him a handful of Skittles, then say "Shhhh don't tell Mama". Or he'll bring a small piece of candy home from work for him every day. Or offering cookies (we usually buy Newman-O's) to cheer him up when he's cranky. I admit also that sometimes at the dinner table when he's not eating what's in front of him and asks to get out of his high chair, we'll offer him a cookie just so we can enjoy the rest of our meal in peace (if we let him out, he won't just go play peacefully, he'll climb all over us and all over the dining room table). We justify it by saying he nursed well so he got plenty of healthy stuff first, even if he didn't eat any of his food.

OK, so at 2.5, I'd ideally like for him to be eating what we're eating, but at least a little more balanced diet and a more substantial amount of solids. I don't expect his diet to be perfect and I don't expect him to give up treats altogether. I eat a bowl of ice cream every night after I get the boys to sleep (and I eat lots of healthy stuff too, and am at a healthy weight and in great shape), so I have no problem with him having a reasonable-sized treat every night himself (like 1-2 cookies after dinner).

I feel like I need to do something drastic, especially before DS2 is old enough to learn from his influence, and I'd also like to know what I can do differently with DS2 and future children from the beginning. DH is very sensitive about diet issues because he's always been incredibly picky and people made his childhood miserable because of it. People made him feel bad/wrong/weird because he didn't like certain foods, and some people tried to force him to eat foods he didn't like, sometimes causing him to throw up. As an adult, he's incredibly healthy. He still is picky, but has found foods that he likes/tolerates which comprise an overall healthy diet - though he does love treats himself as well.

TIA for any replies; I really appreciate having this board available as a source of support.

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by SollysMom

The other thing is he LOVES treats. I fully blame my husband! It's their little special thing that my husband will sneak in the other room and give him a handful of Skittles, then say "Shhhh don't tell Mama". Or he'll bring a small piece of candy home from work for him every day. Or offering cookies (we usually buy Newman-O's) to cheer him up when he's cranky. I admit also that sometimes at the dinner table when he's not eating what's in front of him and asks to get out of his high chair, we'll offer him a cookie just so we can enjoy the rest of our meal in peace (if we let him out, he won't just go play peacefully, he'll climb all over us and all over the dining room table). We justify it by saying he nursed well so he got plenty of healthy stuff first, even if he didn't eat any of his food.

I'd seriously put an end to the "don't tell mama" thing. Not just from a nutritional standpoint, but I really get upset when people tell my kids something like that. They tell mama anything they want and they know this. Besides do you want him to get in the habit of having candy, but only if you're not looking?

2.5 is a great time to start getting picky about food. Keep offering what you're having and he'll eat what he eats of it. I would also stop feeding him cookies at the table if you want him to eat something else. After dinner treats are one thing, but who wants to eat veggies if there's a cookie there?

Can you make him a quesadilla? He'd probably love to help too, some kids eat better if they've been part of the cooking process.

[JamieCatheryn]

I try and make all of our treats somewhat healthy: whole grains and fruit in all of it, homemade stuff. There are choc chip cookie recipes with chickpeas, and black bean brownies. Pizza can be made really healthy that's always fun food. I also have to put my foot down sometimes and say no more sweets, fruit, breads or crackers until you have eaten some nuts, beans, meat or cheese for balance. Don't go out of your way to encourage dried fruit, the drying takes most of the good out and leaves too much concentrated sugar.

ETA: forgot to mention veggies, though the pizza is one good way to get them in. Also gardening or shopping farmer's markets with kids can really encourage them to like veggies (higher quality food too), and the old "just eat 2 more pieces before you go please" works for my DS.

[tinuviel_k]

My first thought is that it sounds like your toddler is getting A LOT of sugar. From your description it sounds like he gets candy every day, and cookies every day and sometimes more. Treats are ok sometimes, but remember that these foods have absolutely zero nutritional value whatsoever. In fact, sugary foods like these actually deplete the body of nutrients. At such a young age it is really important that the calories a child eats be packed with nutrition, to feed that growing body and brain. A two year old might not eat a huge mass of food, and if a portion of that food is taken up every day by sugar snacks then he/she will not be getting the nutrients that they need.

Originally Posted by SollysMom

The other thing is he LOVES treats. I fully blame my husband! It's their little special thing that my husband will sneak in the other room and give him a handful of Skittles, then say "Shhhh don't tell Mama". Or he'll bring a small piece of candy home from work for him every day. Or offering cookies (we usually buy Newman-O's) to cheer him up when he's cranky.

My first thought was that all this needs to stop. First of all, the whole, "Here's a treat, don't tell mama," thing might seem cute and harmless now, but it is setting a BAD precedent. it is teaching your son at a very early age that it is okay and "fun" to sneak behind a parent's back. That one parent is the "fun" parent and one is the "strict," rule-following parent.

My father used to do the exact same thing. As kids we thought it was so fun. And he lapped it up, too. He got to be the "good guy," sweeping in with goodies and treats, and mom got to be the grumpy, non-fun one. It didn't matter that mom would make us beautiful desserts for after dinner sometimes; we didn't appreciate that. It was dad who always was the fun one, a little bit sneaky and "bad," that let us sneak treats. It felt delicious, all the sneaking and fibbing. And to this day I have to fight really hard to quell my glee at sneaking behind someone's back and the thrill of "getting away with it." It was ingrained at such a young age, and is a very unhealthy thing to have paired with food and treats.

As far as sugary treats in general goes:
I have no problem with occasional treats for young toddlers. Occasional as in a couple times a week or so. But a toddler who is getting sugar EVERY day, sometimes several times a day, is of course going to expect that it will a be a regular part of their diet. Why would he want to eat healthy veggies when he knows it is just a matter of time before daddy is going to come home with "the good stuff" and give him his daily piece of candy?
And the "you're feeling cranky, here is a cookie," habit could also backfire. I know a lot of people who take their comfort from food. If they are angry, they eat. Feeling sad, they eat. By giving a child a cookie to cheer them up when they are cranky it could develop into this kind of habit, and that could result in some later-in-life issues with food and eating.
That being said, sometimes a child is cranky because they really are hungry. My husband is a bit hypoglycemic, and so is my daughter. In cases like that they NEED calories, or it is just going to get worse. However, giving cookies is not the ideal solution, either. Crankiness should not be a jet-out-of-jail-free card in regards to sugary food. Some fruit, a little bread with nut butter, or some cheese crackers might be a better choice.

I admit also that sometimes at the dinner table when he's not eating what's in front of him and asks to get out of his high chair, we'll offer him a cookie just so we can enjoy the rest of our meal in peace (if we let him out, he won't just go play peacefully, he'll climb all over us and all over the dining room table). We justify it by saying he nursed well so he got plenty of healthy stuff first, even if he didn't eat any of his food.
.

As far as the dinner things goes, I think giving him sugary food to keep him quiet, even if he hasn't eaten dinner, is going to shoot you in the foot later.
After all, why should he make an effort at eating dinner when he knows that if he fusses enough he will be given a cookie as a treat for making that fuss? Yes, it is nice and feels really necessary to have a peaceful quiet dinner. But to achieve that by bribing a child with unhealthy food is not worth it in the long run. At this age a quiet dinner is a luxury. Children don't automatically know how to behave at the dinner table, and this is the age where they begin to learn. However, it takes a lot of stops-and-starts, a lot of time, and it takes a lot of effort before they really get it. It might be good to resign yourself to the fact that quiet dinners will be a bit more time in coming.

Also, he isn't going to breastfeed forever, and by the time he is weaned he is still going to be expecting that cookie at every dinner, and is probably going to become more picky and vocal if he doesn't get it. And he won't have had the benefit of breast milk calories first.

[SollysMom]

Thanks for all the replies. I definitely know that we've been doing many things "wrong" - especially the bribing him with cookies so we can enjoy dinner (we rarely get to enjoy dinner since DS2 was born anyway)(ETA: When I say "enjoy dinner", I mean be able to sit down long enough to wolf down a meal. Sometimes DS1 starts asking to get up before we've even taken a bite). I want to clarify that the "Don't tell Mama" thing is a joke because he'll bring the candy in from the other room and eat it right in front of me while whispering "Shhh, don't tell Mama". I give my husband a half-serious disapproving look, but none of us treat it too seriously. I can see what a lot of you are saying though - I'm definitely the "bad guy" when it comes to food... sometimes he won't ask for a cookie all day and then as soon as my husband gets home, he'll start asking. I will at least give my husband credit because he won't directly contradict me by saying yes when I've already said no.

I think I need to have a long talk with DH about this stuff. I want to respect where he's coming from in terms of not forcing DS to eat things he doesn't like, and respect his pickiness to a point. I think if we eliminate the treats altogether for a while, it might help him to eat more healthy stuff because of lack of other options, plus learning that he won't automatically receive a treat if he waits long enough. And in the meantime, I can rest assured that he won't go hungry because he's still nursing.

My other thing with the cookies after dinner is that I don't want dessert to be associated as a reward for eating his food... I don't want him to learn to eat when he's not hungry just so he can have a treat, or to view food as a reward at all. A friend of mine from my AP group tells her kids "we need to put good things in our body first" which makes sense to me, but I really want to keep it as a separate issue, if that makes any sense.

Thanks again for the replies! Keep 'em coming