Facilitating sharing - how do you do it??

[kitikatuka]

My daughter -18 months- and I attend a toddler story hour at a local library which has a nice selection of toys which they can play with after the story hour.

Last week, another child - maybe 2.5 - decided she had to have the little person my daughter was playing with. In the past, because she didn't care or notice, I've let other kids take things from her and just got her a substitute, but now, she really notices and will get very upset, so I've started telling the kiddo trying to take something that 'C is using the [item] right now, but when she's done, you can have a turn.' (and don't allow the other child to take the toy). This usually works, and if the kiddo is still interested when DD's done, I'll hand it over saying that 'C's all done - now it's your turn'. Last week, this did not work and the child kept trying to grab the little person from DD and from me. After a few moments, her mom, who was standing a little ways off talking with another parent, came over and rather angrily told her to stop, and pulled her away. I was really embarrassed, and felt like some kind of kid-bully getting into a fight with a 2 year old! - the mom never met my eye or said anything to me.

Moments later, DD really wanted one of the trucks that another child had, and his dad facilitated some sharing between our two kids, so DD got one. By this point, I was so flustered, that I wasn't much help, but think I modeled some good 'thank you for sharing with me' words.

I know 18 months is still really young to understand the concept of sharing, but I do want to somehow be a good model and facilitator of taking turns. How do you do it?? What language do you use? And...do you allow other kids to take a toy from your kid?

[JessieBird]

I don't have any help but I will be following this thread for suggestions.

I agree that 18 mos is way too young to understand sharing. I've read (I have 0 experience) that kids don't start to play together and share until several years later, at 3-4 or so. I've become very aware that at playdates my mom friends and I are constantly saying things like, "let so-and-so's have a turn with that toy," or "let me show you how you can both play with that toy at the same time..." in response to all the curious grabbing that goes on among our 12-18 month olds. Increasingly I've been thinking that we have to stop being so "polite" and also teach our kids some boundaries and to respect each other's space/things but this is hard because we're all new moms and Canadian. (That's a joke of course though sometimes I wonder...)

I've been thinking more about this recently because DS just started daycare in a Montessori school where a core value is respecting each other's space and time to do their own thing without interruption or forced "sharing."

So no help at all but thinking a lot about this too...

[Harmony08]

I'll be watching this thread too. We're in the same boat. He is 18 mos now and cares about toys and space in a whole new way. I think that there are two issues. One is what your own philosophy of sharing and "teaching" sharing is and two is how you handle situations with other parents who may or may not have the same philosophy. I think every parent has different ideas about it. I think you did a great job. You have to stand up for your kid first and you did very appropriately. Maybe the other mom was embarrassed.

[mrscookie]

I feel at this age, the most you can hope for is to teach an awareness that the rule is to let other kids continue to play with what they are playing with until they are done with their turn, however long that takes.

[~cassie~]

In a group setting we usually do a set amount of time. Usually 5 minutes and then pass it to another child that has been wanting to play with it.

At home, however, we don't do that. There isn't any forced sharing. It is "he has it, you need to wait til he is done with it and thsn you can have a turn." Of course my 20 mth old doesn't really understand that but we do lots of taking turn games to teach that. I'm tempted to do the same when we are in a group setting at times, but it's not all that fair if I let my child hog the coveted toys

[Boot]

I think you just need to decide what your 'rules' are and then just be very consistent and model what you want them to say/do. For instance, I talk about taking turns, rather than sharing and if another child tries to take something that my son has I will say (nicely and calmly) 'DS is having a turn with that now, when he has finished it will be your turn'. Or I'll say the same thing to DS if another child has a toy he wants. I'll also model asking the other child if DS can have it when they have finished. The tricky part is when DS (who is 3 now) comes to me and says another child took something that he was playing with. If I didn't see the situation I'll won't say anything to the other child but just help DS get it back as soon as the other child drops it. Luckily, in my area all the parents are very aware of fair play so you rarely get a child who is terrorising the group.

[kitikatuka]

Thank you everyone - it's so helpful to read about what you do and how you handle these situations!

[carrie a.]

just wanted to add some language i use for my 20 month old - she def. understands "you just need to wait and be patient". since we ask her to wait in other situations, she knows what it means. usually if she's wanting a toy another kid has, they lose interest by the time i'm done asking her to wait. kids will always want to play with a thing longer if someone else is showing interest in it. as for sharing, i've given her the "when we finish counting to 10, it's so and so's turn". it kind of takes the fun out of the toy but it seems to work.

[crunchy_mommy]

I would have done exactly what you did. I don't allow DS to grab toys from another kid & I don't allow other kids to grab toys from him. "[DS] is playing with that right now, but you can play with it when he's done," and hand them another toy in the meantime. However, when a kid shows interest but doesn't grab, and DS seems receptive to sharing, I model it. He's only 14 mos so he mostly thinks it's a fun game, and sometimes the 3 of us will end up passing the toy back & forth

I do worry that he will start grabbing toys from others because *I* often grab things from him (things I view as dangerous). I try to ask him nicely but if he resists or the item is particularly dangerous I often just take it because I get scared. Hmmm. Anyway, my point is that we can try to model sharing, asking politely, etc. as much as possible... but I don't think allowing other kids to grab things from your kid is necessary, no matter how mad the parent may get (and she may have just been embarrassed, as the pp mentioned).

[lisavark]

I agree with what everyone else said. My DD is also in a Montessori school, and I really love that they don't force sharing. If I'm using the computer and DH wants it, I finish what I'm doing first, so why is it appropriate for a child to have to give up a toy instantly just because another kid wants it?

That said, I also always give DD the opportunity to share. I say, "So-and-so wants the toy, too. Do you want to give him a turn?" Nine times out of ten, she says yes and hands it to them. I always make sure that she gets another turn, though--after the other child has played with it for a while, I ask them if DD can have another turn, and usually that works out pretty well. At this age they understand turns much better than sharing, and the turns are better if they're really, really short. I started this around 18 months (DD is 26 months now). I end up facilitating the toy being passed back and forth with turns that last for a few seconds.

[lisavark]

Oh, and I also taught DD about waiting for a toy. I taught her to hold one finger up and say, "Wait, wait," and that worked well for short periods of time.

[LCBMAX]

We have LOVED a book called
Will Sheila Share? by Elivia Savadier

My 2 year old has us acting out scenes from this book at least daily ("Mama be Sheila! Mama be Jess!") and the illustrations will make plenty of sense to pre-verbal toddlers too. She totally captures the needy, fearful look we all get when we don't want to share.

[hergrace]

My basic rule is that the kids have to wait until the other kid has finished before having a turn, but I do make sure that the kids with the toy knows that a sibling is waiting for a turn.

One of the things I love about this approach is that the child with the toy sees what impact their actions have on the other if they do choose to share, and they know it is something they can have control over. To see them sometimes share spontaneously and enjoy their siblings joy is worth distracting the others when they don't want to share the prized toy.

[Thing1Thing2]

My child is only 22 months, and I don't think he understands the whole idea of sharing just yet.

I also agree that the child should wait until my DS is done with the toy and then have his turn.

I have found that bringing some extra popular toys along in my bag helps. I tell the child "my Ds is playing with this toy now, but I have a special train in my bag that you can play with until DS is done with this toy."

It usually works, and then DS moves onto something else, leaving the toy available for the child.