laundry

[momfirst]

I moved in with my honey 5 months ago. His DS (16) lives with us 1/2 the time...actually more like 3/4 of the time...he's here a lot. Love the kid, he's great and we get along wonderfully. We also talk all the time, about everything, and for whatever reason, as easy as my honey is for me to talk to, his DS rarely discusses any issues with his dad...even though I encourage it all the time. Anyway, he is more comfortable talking with me.

I've noticed that DSS never has clothes in the laundry...including underwear. I asked him about it, and he said he just changes them at his mom's house! (yikes). We talked a bit about this, and I offered to buy him more underwear, which I did a couple of weeks ago, and the packages are still unopened. I've also bought him quite a few clothes since I moved in here (partly because it was his birthday and then Christmas...partly because he really didn't have many clothes that he liked). None of those clothes have been in the laundry either...and I've seen him wear them...a LOT!

I don't know if he's embarrassed for me to see his dirty underwear, if he's stuck on conserving water, or what the deal is. I've talked to him, asked his dad to talk with him, but still, no laundry. I've also offered to show him how to use the new washing machine...nope, not interested.

So, how do I get him to put his clothes in the laundry? Also, he rarely showers...and he's got that funky teen aged boy smell going on. Really, I love this boy, and I don't want to embarrass him...but I do want to wash his clothes and I would love for him to shower more regularly.

**I rarely go into his room, so I don't want to go in and get his dirty laundry. Besides, he has ADHD and OCD and he folds all of his dirty clothes and puts them back in his dresser/closet. I offered a laundry basket for his room to put the dirty clothes in...nothing. Any suggestions?

[MariesMama]

My first thought was to wash everything (EVERYTHING) while he's gone.

But, he's old enough to understand the implications of dirty, smelly clothes, and going into his dresser and closet is an invasion of privacy. Bleh. What a situation.

Call his mom and ask her what the laundry situation is there. Are you on good terms?

[htcamommy]

ok so both of my sd's went through this each around 12. I actually called their mom and asked if she didn't want me washing their clothes and she was shocked because she thought they were washing them at my house. I will tell you that my girls did out grow it by 13 and it was just a funky nasty phase. Maybe he's just going through it a little later than my girls. Maybe his mom really doesn't want y'all washing his clothes and he doesn't want to mention anything so as not to start a war. Or maybe he's a nasty teenage boy who lacks hygene. My bets would be on the third one. I'd seriously doubt it has anything to do with you washing the clothes. I'd wash everything while he was away and if his dad took him somewhere (please take him somewhere) run in his room and get those stinkies in the spin cycle ASAP. With my two I was ready to pour shampoo into their hair in their sleep and wake them up with a bucket of water!

[VocalMinority]

It's perfectly fine for your SO to set rules for his teenage son about hygiene and laundry, just as he might set other rules that teach consideration for others, responsibility and basic life skills (like requiring that if he borrows the car, he must call to let you guys know he arrived at his destination safely; or giving him a curfew; or requiring him to clear his own dishes after dinner...). If your SO just doesn't care that much about it, you need to emphasize to him that it's about much more than you being offended by his odors or inconvenienced about the laundry! His son is not a man yet, not an independent adult and your SO is still responsible to teach him the skills he'll need to know, to make his own way in the world. Some teens learn hygiene with no effort on their parents' part. If they don't, the parents need to make an effort. Unfortunately, you aren't a parent or even a step-parent yet and I think you're right to stick with building a friendship, right now. You need to bug your SO to take care of this.

If the kid "must" fold dirty clothes and put them in drawers, they need to be separate drawers from his clean laundry - a separate piece of furniture, if possible. Dad may have to check up and oversee his son's transition to this new routine, but surely the kid is capable of making at least that much of a change. He also needs to be expected to bring all his dirty laundry - or at least 1 full hamper - out to be washed, at least once a week. If he has OCD, make it the same day every week. He has to be made to adjust to this, really. He can't go through his adult life and hold a job, while never washing his clothes. Dad needs to be nice about it, but firm: "Look, son, you don't need to feel embarassed about this. WE ALL have quirks. But I am going to insist on some ground rules, about this. You need to learn a more effective way of handling your laundry and I'm going to help you get over the hump. I love you. This is what I'm here for."

My 10-year-old step-son, who lives with us, is often a complete slob in his room. I mean really funky and gross. (I think a lot of it is simply him reveling in having his own private space, which he did not, when he lived with his mom.) We tell him to clean it up periodically, but we know most of the crud just gets pushed under or behind furniture, or stuffed in his closet. Then there's the awkward dilemma of whether to call him on it and inspect the corners of his room while he stands there watching, or play dumb and pretend to accept that he has cleaned up adequately, when we know he really hasn't. Most of the time, we do some amount of playing dumb. And then 5 times a year, when he spends a week or more with his mom, he comes home and his room is magically spotless, with everything put away in a reasonable place, courtesty of Yours Truly. Never once has he complained about this! Not only does it reassure me about the level of filth in his room, but once I started doing this, I sense that his feelings would be hurt if he came home and his room were in the same funk in which he left it. I think he looks at it as a sign that we're excited about him coming home - and as a clean slate, a do-over - rather than an invasion of privacy.

[blessedwithboys]

wrt to the advice to just wash his clothes while he is out...may i respectfully say that as the SO of the parent, it would not be your place to do this. i ADORE my sons step mom (long term legal marriage to his dad) but i did ask that she not wash his clothes anymore over there. 2 reasons: jealousy...i'm his mother, dammit! LOL and alos i use biokleen and was getting sick from the perfume in what she used. totally different reasons that might not apply to you, but i wouldnt recommend you wash his clothes on the DL.

also, if he as OCD, which is an anxiety disorder, he could be extremely distressed to find that his personal belongings were messed with. it wouldnt be good for your budding relationship for you to accidentally throw him into a panic attack.

here what i would do: your SO is a guy. he probably hasnt paid any attn to this yet. tell him the smell bothers you and you would be very appreciative for him to give his ds a how to lesson on laundry, if SO doesnt really know how, teach HIM, and ket him teach his ds.

then YOU go out. let them carry undies back and forth with no chance of you seeing them. then his ds can revel in the OCD bliss that is folding and organizing clean clothes. ask SO to do this as often as is necessary to keep his ds in clean clothes.

if you are cool with the mom, maybe she could get in on it?