feeling all in a muddle

[BetsyNY]

As some of you know, I have twin four-year-old boys. They were born at 27 weeks.

One (C) has been diagnosed with PDD. He currently attends a dedicated school for autism, but he's getting

The other (D) has been home with me for the past year. He's always had sensory issues, but over the past several months he's moved over into full-blown SPD. Life has been fairly unpredictable--smooth sailing in the morning, and then prolonged tantrums over the most mundane things (like turning right instead of left) all afternoon, trouble taking turns, poor impulse control. He has encopresis, and a stutter--all of which are probably related to SPD and/or anxiety and/or ADHD--as a preemie he's at risk for all of the above and then some. Recent evaluations show that he qualifies for OT, counseling, SEIT, and probably PT.

It's only recently that the full weight of what's going on has hit me: he misses his twin, and some of this acting out is related to that. Of course I *knew* they missed each other, but I hadn't realized until now how deeply D is affected by C's absence during the day. D's behavior is much, much better when C is around--he is palpably calmer.

I am totally obliterated by guilt.

I was always adamant that keeping C out of a restrictive educational setting because he has an NT twin wouldn't serve him well, and that C had a right to have his needs met in the most appropriate setting. That may all be true, but I am feeling like I really messed up here....

Anyway, they'll be eligible for K in the fall, and we have some nice options, including keeping them home for the year and getting their services at the elementary school.

I'm so grateful that this exists--but we'd spend a lot of time at the school. As of right now C gets ST 4x, OT 3x, PT 2x, and counseling 1x a week. One ST and one OT are classroom consultations, but still--that's a LOT of time to hang out at an elementary school.


But sending him...we've always wanted to homeschool (and if you have personal theories about homeschooling special needs kids, duly noted, I've read such arguments on this board *and* the homeschooling board--no need to repeat). And I'm OK if life leads us in a different direction...but...he's so little. He can still fit into 2T shirts and pants. I just wanted us to stay a little freer.

I'm touring the classrooms next week--there's an autism class for C and a behavioral class with a social worker for D. Sigh. I don't know what I'm going on about, I'm just feeling torn.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

...he's so little. He can still fit into 2T shirts and pants. I just wanted us to stay a little freer.

I'm touring the classrooms next week--there's an autism class for C and a behavioral class with a social worker for D. Sigh. I don't know what I'm going on about, I'm just feeling torn.

I hope that your tour goes well and that your feel more clarity afterwards.

I am totally obliterated by guilt.

I was always adamant that keeping C out of a restrictive educational setting because he has an NT twin wouldn't serve him well, and that C had a right to have his needs met in the most appropriate setting. That may all be true, but I am feeling like I really messed up here....

It's very hard to figure out what is truly best and I don't think that we ever really know for sure if we've made the right choice. I don't know any magic words to help you let go of the guilt, but I wish that I did. I'm sure that you are a wonderful mother, that there are great things about the option you picked, and that your sons know how very much you love them.

[BetsyNY]

Thanks. I really appreciate your reply--it's so demoralizing to see all of these people reading and no one replying.

Yes, you're absolutely right that the notion of the "right" thing isn't as clear as we think...we chose this school for Conan because other schools had very little understanding of autism, despite what they claimed. And happily, it's no longer an appropriate placement for him as he now needs help relating to typical peers.

At any rate, we're pulling him out over the summer, and he and his brother will hopefully attend a half-day program together.

[askew]

I read and did not reply. I don't really have much to add, as my kids are not school age yet so I feel like I don't have any experience to share with you. However, were I in your situation I would try to look for an integrative classroom where they can both go, and both get appropriate services. It seems important to them to be together for now. Good luck on your tours, I hope the perfect thing jumps out at you.

[daisymama12]

I came across this via "new posts" and though I don't have any specific experience about twins, or special needs, I just wanted to say your dedication and thoughtfulness jumped off the screen.

I had a bad experience with a preschool, and pulled my son out after 6 weeks and kept him home that year. No decision is irreversible. I felt sick the summer before my oldest started K - I did not want him in that big school.. but that school isn't full of strangers to us anymore, they are one of our communities.

Don't feel guilty, you sound like a great mama. I hope it's ok if I posted here, didn't mean to butt in.

[sbgrace]

We're not facing the same things but I'm homeschooling twin boys w/one on the spectrum and I struggle with balancing their needs too. Our schooling decisions were easier because there weren't any good options (let alone multiple ones) like you have here. But it's still a struggle just with different scenery and details. It's my NT twin that I feel most badly about as what I would be doing for him/his needs get pushed a lot to accommodate his more pressing needs brother.
Guilt and parenting seem to go together a lot. You make the best choices you can as you go. That's all anyone can ask of a parent. I hope decisions are all clear for you very soon.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

Thanks. I really appreciate your reply--it's so demoralizing to see all of these people reading and no one replying.

at least two of them were mine, I read and really had to think through what to say. You are dealing with a great deal with now and, even though I have a SN child and have homeschooled and schooled at different times, I really feel that I have no advice.

I know how hard this is. I know it isn't fair. I know that there aren't any easy answers. I just keep researching stuff and doing my best and hoping that my best will be good enough.

I find raising my DD to be overwhelming, and while I come here to help work those things out in my own head, I often don't feel like I know what to say to other moms about this stuff because I'm not even sure what to say to myself.

I hope that you and your boys have a wonderful summer. What do they like to do? Do they like to go swimming? Do they like the zoo?

[BetsyNY]

I just saw this now--

Yes, they do love the pool, and we'll join a community pool. There is a small petting-ish zoo nearby which they both like. They'll do some type of "camp" stuff and we do have a couple of beach vacations planned, plus the usual county fairs, etc. It'll be a good summer.

Still feeling confused, which I'll elaborate on in an different post.

[cdahlgrd]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

Thanks. I really appreciate your reply--it's so demoralizing to see all of these people reading and no one replying.

People sometimes need time to think about how to answer your question.

I think your plan to pull them for the summer is good. Then you can see how the summer goes, and what their needs are now vs. last year. The great thing about IEP's is that you can modify them to fit your kids needs. If that includes his twin in the same class, then so be it. Shorter weeks, great. etc.

It is really hard to deal with special kids. My oldest is my extra special kid. We go over and over and over our options and what would work best for him. It is never a perfect fit, there are always pro's and con's to negotiate. But over time, our decisions have turned out to be good ones, even when they felt iffy at the time.

So, trust your heart and listen to your kids! Those 2 together will do fine.

[aslyn]

It's a very hard call with a sn kid as to homeschool or not to homeschool. I can only relate to you my experience in hopes that it will help you. Please take it with a grain of salt, because I still believe in homeschooling and that its a decision for you and your family to make.

Long ago before my DD was even born we made the decision to homeschool, my DH was homeschooled with his 3 siblings and they are all well educated and successful in their chosen paths in life. we had a vision of this perfect family, this perfect life blah blah...then DD was born! At age 5 I had a really killer job and my DH and I were working opposite shifts to keep the kids out of daycare. We decided to try putting DD into a montesorri school for K, since we were so busy with work and she REALLLY wanted to go to school. So we do the K-roundup thing, They called me a few months later and said they really felt she wasn't ready for K and we should hold her out a yr..so we did that and the next yr rolled around..Since we did NOT want to go through that again, I quit my job and we started homeschooling..the first yr was uneventful..we worked on basic letters and numbers in a nice gentle way..the next yr was a bit more of a challenge and she wasnt grasping things the way I was working with her..sooo this yr rolls around and my ds started K, we decided to try out one of the "eschools"..cool ideal free stuff, gotta love it! DS scored higher than her on the placement tests, and she scored at the K level..I felt like a failure and the worst mamma in the entire world! But I was determined if nothing else. So we tried it for the first part of the school year..she was getting nowhere, it was evident (in my eyes) I was just failing miserably and she was suffering for it. So after the winter break it was off to public school. The district we were in at the time, did not help at all..they blamed it all on me homeschooling and threw her in with the kindy class just to get her through the system..we moved to a new district in feb and they noticed a problem with her in the first 3 days she was at the school. The evaluated her and now shes on an IEP for MR..

So why the book as a response? Well I want you to know where I was emotionaly through it all..its a horrible feeling when you just cant seem to teach your kid the simplest things like tying shoes or writing the alphabet. By the time I put them in public school I was drained emotionaly/mentaly and I couldnt even bring myself to come up with anything else to help her to learn. Swallowing my pride and going to THIS school district was the very best decision I ever made. My DS is well above grade level and happy in school and DD is doing amazingly well and loves school more than any child ever should! I don't think it was because of homeschooling she is so far behind, but it didn't help either so I just go day by day and celebrate each kid for all the joys they bring into my life.

The best advice I can give you is follow your gut, if you feel equipped with all the info you need and are ready for homeschooling then go for it! But for your own sanity if you start to feel burned out don't be afraid to try school, no decision is carved in stone and sometimes we all need help.

Good luck!