bio mom hasn't called/contacted

[momwithaplan]

We have an open adoption with my DS birth mom. We have to leave it up to her how often we have contact because she runs out of minutes/moves ect. She has always called on or around the major holidays to check in and we've seen her twice since we brought DS home. DS turned one a week and a half ago and it was the week of Easter and she hasn't contacted us at all. Do any of you have BM's that come and go? Is this harder on the children as they get older? We have it set up where we can see her up to four times a year and she has only gotten together with us twice. She is/was addicted to meth so it doesn't really surprise me, I'm just worried about her. Sorry for the rambling

[lauren]

bumping for momwithaplan

[RedOakMomma]

I would imagine that a first birthday could be very tough on a birthmom...lots of memories to process, lots of thoughts and feelings to work through. Hope you hear from her soon.

[pumpkingirl71]

Our daughter's birthmom fades in and out of our lives. She faces extreme challenges with addiction and other bad choices in her life. It is VERY hard not to get angry with her but we do our best to try to normalize it all for our daugher and not make it seem weird that she fades in and out.

[Polliwog]

Over time, we hear from my son's birth mother and grandmother less and less. He doesn't really understand the family relationship so when we do see them (1-2 times a year,) they are just people we see from time to time.

[bartleby]

I suppose it depends on the child and his/her relationship with birth mom, but yes, I do think it becomes more difficult for the child as he/she gets older. My daughter is 5, and sees her birth mom once, maybe twice, a year. Her most recent visit was, as they often are, out-of-the-blue, impromptu, rushed, and a little dramatic. Birth mom announced she was leaving her long-term relationship, and setting off for another country, and, she said, "And maybe I just won't come back." While this might not have gone noticed by my daughter at 2 or 3, at 5 it definitely does. After the visit, my daughter asked, "Will she really not ever come back? Will I ever see her again?"

I admit to feelings of anger and frustration sometimes, but ultimately I know that: We love and care for her birth mom, even though we don't always agree with her choices; My daughter must ultimately define her own relationship with her birth mom as the years pass; My daughter has a solid foundation with us, her adoptive parents, and we must be open to helping her process her feelings about her birth family because those feelings *will* surface (and have surfaced), and all we can do is be committed to supporting her in those feelings.

I don't know if that helps at all, but I do sympathize with your feelings. It is one of the hardest things about being in an open adoption--for me, anyway. Navigating the ups and downs of birth family relationships. It can be very much out of our control, which can certainly be unsettling.

[RedOakMomma]

OP~ "BM" probably isn't the most respectful term for a birth mother... some adoptive parents (and I'm not saying you're one of them) use it as a slur, or an intentionally crass abbreviation. Just a friendly FYI. In this forum, people really try to avoid using it.

koalove. For me, it's whether or not I took my fish oil.

[lauren]

Gentle reminder about adoption language--great education on this topic in our forum guidelines thread


http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1120418