Playing independently--theory and question

[staceychev]

DD1 (4-1/2, and in Pre-K for 2-1/2 hours each morning) has been in daycare since the age of 14 months--although, since I'm a teacher, she has been home with me in the summer. Well, I'm home on maternity leave now, and I'm really noticing that she has a really hard time dealing with independent play. Once she gets there, she's great--she's very bright and has a great imagination for make-believe. But, she fights it. She wakes up every morning and asks what projects we're going to do--she wants me to direct her, come up with ideas, tell her what to do, and then participate.

So, here's the theory part of my post. Is it possible that this is a side effect of daycare/preschool? After all, she's spent most of her life with people coming up with activities for her, and with other people to do the activities with.

The question part of my post is this: how can I gently move her towards more autonomy in her play? And, how can I encourage her to keep that autonomy when she goes to full time kindy next year? As a high school teacher, I see so many kids who lack a sense of inner motivation, and I don't want my daughter to be in that position!

[transylvania_mom]

Originally Posted by staceychev

So, here's the theory part of my post. Is it possible that this is a side effect of daycare/preschool? After all, she's spent most of her life with people coming up with activities for her, and with other people to do the activities with.

The question part of my post is this: how can I gently move her towards more autonomy in her play? And, how can I encourage her to keep that autonomy when she goes to full time kindy next year? As a high school teacher, I see so many kids who lack a sense of inner motivation, and I don't want my daughter to be in that position!

Answering the theory part in your post: I'd say no. We have a little neighbor who is homeschooled, the same age as ds, with whom ds plays quite often, and he's more dependent on adults than ds.
That's our experience.
Ds is very independent when he's with kids his own age, but when he's alone he needs me or his grandma to play with. I think it's his personality, he's an extrovert.
I don't think I answered your question though...

[OboePlayerMom]

My DD is also 4.5, and I'm also a teacher - fun to see the similarities! My DD has trouble playing by herself because she is such a social and gregarious child. Her 6.5 yo brother has no trouble playing by himself for hours at a time, and was certainly able to do that when he was 4.5. DD is always asking someone to play with her when we get home from school. Usually DS is happy to join her, but if he's not she has a hard time accepting that I can't because we just got home and I need to get my little tasks done around the house. I do play with her a lot, but I am not able to play with her all of the time, and frankly, she orders me around too much, so I tire of it quickly. I have talked to her about letting other people have ideas, but so far she just wants to direct me. (Say "Where are all these cars going?" Say "I'm going to park here and wait for the store to open." blah, blah, blah!) Her pre-school teacher tells me that her interaction with her friends at school is more open-ended, so that's good to hear.

When I really need her to play by herself and she's not being reasonable about it, I find a toy she hasn't played with in a while. That's usually enough to get her interest averted and I can get some things done. Lately it's been the Leap Pad, where she can "read" and play games. She'll also line up her little animals or put them on big vehicles if she's in the right frame of mind. Some of it is her not being able to think of anything to do, but some of it is also her extreme dislike of having to do things by herself. Maybe your daughter has a similar personality? She's all about interacting with people and being the center of attention. It's a hoot to watch, actually. My DD in "on" all the time and thinks everyone is interested in her little life! DH, DS, and I are not like that at all, so I'm deciding it's really fun to have that type of energy in the house (after fighting it for a bit, I'll admit)!

[staceychev]

Leslie, I think our DDs might be twins separated at birth! That describes her to a "t." And trans_mom, I never considered her extroversion being the root of the issue, but it makes perfect sense.

[LuckyMommaToo]

No, sorry, I don't buy your theory at all. DS, who's 6-1/2, has had me as a SAHm the whole time (other than preschool a few hours a week and now kindergarten). He's a TOTAL extrovert. Can force himself to play alone for short bursts, but doesn't really enjoy it.
-e

for dd:

[Just1More]

I have one like that, too.

What has been really working for us is that for one hour (around the same time) I refuse to do anything with them. They may not talk to me, ask me for anything, and I'm not coming to watch.

The change has been huge. Suddenly, dd1 has an imagination and she's USING it. What a relief! I was beginning to really worry about her. She is a very, very, very concrete child.

Having a consistent time each day for her to play on her own has taken away a lot of the conflict about the whole thing. She doesn't perceive it as me being too busy for her; it just is what it is.

[staceychev]

Originally Posted by Just1More

I have one like that, too.

What has been really working for us is that for one hour (around the same time) I refuse to do anything with them. They may not talk to me, ask me for anything, and I'm not coming to watch.

The change has been huge. Suddenly, dd1 has an imagination and she's USING it. What a relief! I was beginning to really worry about her. She is a very, very, very concrete child.

Having a consistent time each day for her to play on her own has taken away a lot of the conflict about the whole thing. She doesn't perceive it as me being too busy for her; it just is what it is.

This is a really interesting idea! I think I'm going to try it!

[Alyantavid]

I don't think daycare has anything to do with independent play.

Both my kids were in daycare/cared for by someone else since they were 6 weeks old. My oldest has always played on his own, my youngest has a harder time. It could just be personality or it could be the fact that my oldest was an only until he was 4, my youngest has always had his brother around.

[attached2ethan]

I also don't think that it has to do with being in daycare or not. I've stayed at home with both of my children, for the most part, and my 7yo (oldest child) has always had a really hard time entertaining himself, and still does. The first 4 years were the hardest because he didn't have a playmate- once his brother was old enough to play with him, it has gotten SO much easier. I've always attributed this to the fact that he was the first child, so he got much more one-on-one time from the beginning and came to rely on others to be his playmates.

My 4yo, on the other hand, can play by himself for hours. He also enjoys playing with other kids, but rarely asks me to play or entertain him- in fact, he has so many ideas that he can drive me up the wall bouncing from one activity to the next sometimes He spent a short time in daycare from about 9-15 months of age, but has been at home with me otherwise. Even as a baby he was very self-entertaining, and I think again that this has a lot to do with him being the second child, and not getting that 100% all day long attention that way that my first did.

I'm pregnant with our third child so I'm curious to see how she turns out in the mix!!

Jessica, Mom of Three
Ethan (age 7)
Alex (age 4.5)
Baby Girl due this spring!