Can't believe the conversation I've had. (Rant)

[honey-lilac]

So, I posted here about being ambivalent about keeping this pregnancy. I've decided to keep it. NOT because I'm thrilled to be pregnant, NOT because I want a cute little thing to play with, NOT because my life will be any easier or healthier or better. It's almost a moral obligation for me to give this baby a chance at life, so, that's that. I tried to terminate, I couldn't go through with it, whatever.

So I'm talking to my friend last night. He is very pro-choice, or rather, pro-abortion in my case. He was going on and on about why I shouldn't have this baby. I should have stopped talking to him at the beginning of the convo when he was being negative but I kept trying to change the subject and he kept getting more and more mean. Essentially, I'm being selfish for wanting to keep the baby (really, I thought terminating would be the selfish thing in my case, it'd be easier) because as a single mother my kids' life will be miserable and worthless. It's bad enough that I have two kids already, but a third will be the breaking point. I will become a wreck of a person and no man will ever want three kids' worth of baggage, unless he is old and desperate. My kids will grow up to be criminals and I will be miserable and a failure of a mother and will never support myself financially.

I AM ALREADY A MOTHER OF TWO, for one thing. Two or three, what difference does it make. (In the long run, I mean.) And I disagree that my kids can't have a good life with me. I think I'm a great mother, honestly. My kids are loved and happy and AP'd and everything. I'm not looking for another man, so why is that a factor? Maybe no man will want the "baggage" (really? my children are now BAGGAGE?) of three kids, but whatever, my priority is my kids not getting a new man in my life. Ugh. I finally put him on ignore because I couldn't take the negativity, but I just, I dunno. I felt really down about all the things he said. I don't agree with his perspective but I know there is truth in what he is saying. Life will be harder with three. Financially, practically. Having another baby will be so hard. But do I need the guilt of knowing I am bringing "a fatherless child" into the world? Well, geez, I'd prefer a happy traditional family too!

Geez.

[MsChatsAlot]

You've made your choice so trust that there's a reason.

There are positive and negative things about any and every thing in life. The more you can focus now on all the positive things, the easier it will be.

It's hard when others are against us, but the more sure you become about your decision, the more others will stop doing that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and an empowering and healthy birthing experience. Babies are a miracle, so make sure you take time to celebrate this one too!!

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by honey-lilac

"as a single mother my kids' life will be miserable and worthless. . . . My kids will grow up to be criminals and I will be miserable and a failure of a mother and will never support myself financially."

this person doesn't know what he's talking about, and isn't worth listening to, on any subject, ever.

[laohaire]

That's just crud. And I happen to know a guy who is considering making an "instant family" with a woman, and he's neither old (I don't consider 30's old) nor desperate.

Besides, who is he to say that attracting a man is your main priority in life? (I mean, maybe it is but not for him to say!!)

Your kids do and will feel loved and worthwhile. In fact, your choice underscores that.

[PinkNFluffy]

Just think, when this child is grown into an adult, try asking him or her if they would have prefered they didn't have a life then be brought into this world. I wouldn't worry about what other people say, it is one thing to choose to have an abortion yourself but for another person to think they know what's best, it just doesn't make sence. You know what's best and your child will thank you one day, I guarantee. Good for you for putting your children first and giving this little one a chance at life.

[DirtRoadMama]

Yeah, he doesn't know what he's talking about. If he's pro-choice, then he should shut right up when you say that your CHOICE is to have the baby. Keep him on your ignore list, honey.

[*MamaJen*]

Congratulations on your pregnancy, mama. I am firmly pro-CHOICE, which means I respect your informed choice of whether or not to have your baby. Nobody else can make that decision for you. You thought about this long and hard and ultimately you're doing what you believe is right for you and your family. That takes strength and self knowledge, and I congratulate you on that.
I'm a single mother, and I can tell you with great confidence that I am a terrific mama, if I do say so myself, and my son is very loved and happy and thoroughly above average.
So how is the situation with your husband/ex? Have you managed to make a break from him yet? And do you have the health issues under control now?

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

this person doesn't know what he's talking about, and isn't worth listening to, on any subject, ever.

[honey-lilac]

Thanks for all the responses...

The health situation is... by some miracle, I'm not sick. Yet. With my other pregnancies I was sick by week 4 or 5, in the hospital, etc. With this one, I've been preparing my behind off trying to get ready for the bedrest, etc. But... I feel fine. I'm seven weeks now. Not a hint of feeling unwell. I feel great actually, I'm gardening, cooking, cleaning. I don't want to jinx myself and say it's a miracle already, I still MIGHT get sick, but it's been amazing so far. It's my first pregnancy that (physically at least) I'm enjoying somewhat.

The situation with the "ex" is less than miraculous. Yesterday he asked "permission" to stay. Umm. I said that it's not going to work going back and forth like this, I can't make plans for him to leave and then have him stay. So he said that fine, he's moving out when he's graduating, but I seriously doubt that he is going to. I'm going to fight that battle when we get there though because there's no use getting on his bad side now while he's still staying here. If we get into a fight and he leaves and signs a lease, then.... well, I'm still hoping he doesn't sign a lease here because then he'll be in the same town indefinitely. I'd really rather him be on the East Coast.

[MissLotus]

You know what... your "friend" is wrong. I want to congratulate you on your pregancy - and am glad you're feeling okay and hope that continues. This child is going to be someone you love for the rest of your life, and I'll bet everything that he or she will be really, really glad they're on this planet because of you.

[ArtsyMomma]

Don't listen to your 'friend'. I got a lot of negative feedback after I announced #4 -- lots of "So did you schedule the procedure yet?". It was hard. I even kept my mouth shut about the pregnancy until I was showing...yea...about 16-17 weeks. Now, everyone loves him. I did have to delete some awful comments on facebook, and block some 'friends'.

You know what? If people can't support you, and love you, then they aren't 'friends'. My best friends didn't think #4 was a good idea....they were also the first to say congratulations when I made the decision to continue the pregnancy and the first to send baby gifts They are real friends.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Congratulations on the new baby honey, and I very sincerely hope that you continue to feel well! Stay active - but don't overdo it. Being somewhat active may help you out!

I really hope that you ate strong enough when your stbx graduates to take a stand and kick him out. Or move yourself. You may have to. Start stashing money just in case.

[number572]

You say that you can see truth in some things he says - there's also truth in YOUR inner dialogue. So, what if you'd decided to have an abortion & move on? You'd still have someone else telling you truths about how much of a gift your child would have been, that he/she IS for a reason, deserves life, etc., yk? Sorry you had to hear all of that & be hurt. I agree that maybe he's not a friend to have around while your life is changing, sounds like he's not very open to enjoying you as a whole person with her own life and to be happy for your decisions.

Such a misunderstanding in our society... A pair of parents does not necessarily mean happy successful kids - as a single parent does not necessarily mean unhappy unsuccessful criminal children! He's so insulting when he says that!! He has a limited perspective on the whole issue, in my opinion.

Your courage and strength is admirable. Wishing you a healthy & joyful pg and birth and life with your beautiful, loved kids!

[baby1november2010]

I understand why you feel the way you do; I'm getting it too. I know giving my child the chance at life is the choice I made and that I'll be a great mom, but hearing that other junk get's stuck in your brain...you know? If you feel you did the right thing and you give this all you've got; then f**k 'em (sorry Mods)


BTW I am 7 weeks too...

[crazyeight]

naking my 3rd that i considered aborting. at least i looked at all the options and didnt have someone making the choice for me. i also knew that keeping my baby meant i would be dealing with my abuser for a very long time (potentially). i also thought about having had 2 already it would be odd for me personally to say i couldnt do it this time...knwing how children change our lives. baggage~ thought that too... especially a lot b/c of my current situation. a.) figured out that my mindset was influenced a lot by never having someone i could say was a real man b.) found a person who exstatically has become more and more an intrigal part of our family kids included....

gl!!

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by DirtRoadMama

Yeah, he doesn't know what he's talking about. If he's pro-choice, then he should shut right up when you say that your CHOICE is to have the baby. Keep him on your ignore list, honey.

I'm pro-choice and I totally believe that every woman should make that decision for herself. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

[pinetree]

My ex wanted my littlest one aborted. He stated that straight out. Then he told friends and family that he'd been coerced into getting me pregnant and that I had refused him birth control (real story: he'd refused to go get a condom that was at the end of the bed because it was "too far away"). Then he tried to tell friends and family that he didn't think that this child was his. (implying that I'd been having an affair, which wasn't true... he's the only option for a dad) Then... we don't need to go there.

But... this little child is an amazing blessing in every way possible.

Congratulations to you and your blessing (not baggage!!!) who will be on the outside before you know it!

[samy23]

Have you considered adoption? I'm just saying it's an option out there.

[Labbemama]

For me the children are the only good thing that came of out of the abusive relationship. Everything ELSE is the baggage.

Congratulations on this pregnancy! Good luck to you for keeping healthy and a smooth pregnancy.

My stbx wanted our last child aborted too because we found out I was pg during a separation. Now she's 11 and I know I did the right thing by keeping her, can't imagine my life without that sassy little girl. :-)

Your friend was not very encouraging. I hope you can find someone else to share with about this pregnancy. He has a very dismal outlook.

Your baby is going to be fine because you have his or her best interests at heart, can tell that from your post that you are a very thoughtful, caring person who loves that baby dearly already and that's what counts in parenting.

[honey-lilac]

Originally Posted by samy23

Have you considered adoption? I'm just saying it's an option out there.

No, never, not for a nanosecond. I would never give a baby up for adoption. Unless I found out that I was going to shortly pass away, then yes I would want to place all of my children to the same family that I picked out for them. Otherwise... it wasn't even a remote possibility in my mind. By that logic, why not give the first two up for adoption as well? I'm sorry if I'm being snarky but I blame that on the hormones I guess.