Tell me what I am doing wrong with my 7 yo.

[dkenagy]

I had noticed an increasingly "sassy" attitude toward my husband and me coming from my oldest DD, and intentionally MEAN behavior from her toward the other children, starting at the end of last year vaguely, but really intensifying in the beginning of this year. I was at my wit's end and began to realize that my reactions to her terrible behavior were getting increasingly worse, too... in that, most of my interactions with her were me getting on to her about her attitude or hitting/scratching/CHOKING a sibling. I began to make a concious effort to spend more one-on-one time with her, talk with her more about whatever she wants to talk about, include her in whatever I'm doing, giving her more opportunities to "help" around the house (she loves having a 'job'), and also to really think about whether I NEED to call her down for whatever it is she's doing (yes, I need to tell her we won't tolerate choking a sister, but do I have to "nitpick" everything she says? no.)
Well, after more than a month of putting more of an effort into this, her behavior is even WORSE than before. She still has the horrible attitude, but now she is even more outright defiant. She is still being mean to her siblings, but now she has escalated that behavior, too (like locking her sister outside at night and not telling anyone till I heard her screaming/crying out there!!!!).

I am at a complete and total loss. I don't have any idea what to do/where to turn. We are expecting another child next month and I am terrified about what will happen. She is so excited to have a baby in the house, but I'm worried that while more of my time is consumed with the new baby, my daughter's behavior will be worse or something really terrible is going to happen between her and one of the others. I don't want this to turn into a her against "them" type thing... I've tried very hard not to let this happen thus far.

I need some suggestions. Please.

[kerc]

I don't have lots of ideas but a few things stick out:

1. our 7.5 yo is behaving like this too.
2. we don't have a new baby on the way.


Someone suggested I step back and see if I can isolate a trigger -- in my case it's sleep. If my dd does not get enough sleep in a week then by friday she's a MONSTER. So I try really hard not to let her have 2 late nights in a row.

It looks (from the outside) like sibling rivalry + being a 7 yo girl. Maybe there are some ideas in the book Siblings Without Rivalry?

We have occasionally had talks with my dd about how sometimes you get in a rut and behavior is bad and you need reminders about how to break out of it. It's not an ongoing thing, but I have re-used sticker charts with her. Like "Erin I noticed for the past few weeks you've been particularly mean to Leah. I'm not happy with it, I think you're not really having fun with Leah right now. I want to remind you of what we expect." and then we set a reasonably obtainable goal: five stickers = ice cream out or something. Then over the course of the week we try to catch her in the act of doing something nice or just have a reflection at the end of the day about how the day went. Sometimes she gets two stickers in a day. Next week we up the anty: it's much harder to get a sticker. The point here is to reward appropriate behavior, rather than focus on the negative. Occasionally the kids will ask for a "sticker" week and I will give in from time to time, but they know it's an only now and again thing, not a forever thing.

[attached2ethan]

Wow, I could've written your post!! I have a DS (age 7) and a DS (age 4) and we are expecting a baby next month.

I am having the SAME troubles with my 7yo- he has become very sassy, defiant, and just downright mean- especially to his brother. Yesterday I caught him and a neighborhood friend taunting and teasing my 4yo by running down the street too fast for him to catch up, then laughing and telling him they would wait for him, then running away again. I was appalled.

Things were so bad for a while that we actually lost a friend over it, because she could not tolerate his behavior- and that hurt, because I was really working hard to correct things. I will say that things have gotten better in the last few weeks, because we implemented a few changes and they seem to be working, so I'll share them in the hopes that something will help you too!

The first thing we did was put him to bed earlier, and that immediately improved much of his temperament. He was sleeping from about 10pm-7am, now it's 9pm (and we put him to bed at 8:30 so he can actually be asleep by 9).

Next, I created behavior charts that we complete every night before bed. My kids receive stickers for various behavioral related things that we are working on, and for every sticker they receive $1 in fake money to spend in my "Mommy Store" that I set up every weekend (just little things from the dollar store, but it's been a HUGE hit). I've also posted our morning and bedtime routines and they get stickers for completing these successfully as well.

Third, I've really cracked down on my own discipline and follow through. My kids have, in the past, had a lot of leeway and freedom and it was NOT working in our favor. We made a list of the 10 most important rules in our house, and they know the consequences for each rule. We came up with a list together, and this way they know what will happen when they act a certain way. I have been careful to follow through on everything I say, and have made the consequences as natural or logical as possible. DS doesn't like to get in trouble, so he heas been acting much more appropriately- but for example, when I saw him doing that to his brother yesterday, he had to immediately come in from outside. He was mad for a while, but when he calmed down, we had a long talk about looking after our younger siblings, being more caring towards others, and how would he feel if that were him, etc etc... My goal is to get him thinking about his actions, how they effect others, and why certain things are just NOT ok. Sometimes we're successful, sometimes not- LOL!

Oh, and LOTS of quality time and positive reinforcement makes a huge difference for us too. I know you're already doing some of this, but kep it up because it is so important Good luck mama!!

[kerc]

I'm interested that attached2ethan basically had the same reaction I did with my 7 yr old. Hmmm. Great minds think alike?

[journeymom]

I also suggest Siblings Without Rivalry. I just finished reading it a few days ago.

Probably the most interesting insight was from the parents that were interviewed. They had eye-opening revelations about their own relations with their siblings from when they were kids.