Feeling pretty fragile...kinda long...

[wahm]

This all started last year when I watched my business crumble due to the economy, and my fiance's work was affected as well. That combined with the fact that we had to wait Months for our chimney installer to get here so we could convert to wood heat. While we had to wait, we had to dip into money set aside for a chimney to buy heating oil. Our finances took a major hit, and I seemed to take it pretty personally. I started looking for a job immediately when I saw what was happening to my business in November, but I have not even has so much as an interview. I sank, actually, and was feeling suicidal.

All this is coming from someone who has been studying spirituality, positive thinking, the law of attraction, etc., for the past 9 years. Right before things started to spiral, I was at a very good place, emotionally. It seemed I had made such progress with my personal development.

Now I feel like crap, and though I seemed to overcome it last month, it's back. Those feelings of life is not worth living.

I have two opposing perceptions going on at once. The first is that I know who I am, that I have important things to contribute, I care greatly for others and try to be there for them when things get tough, I"m intelligent, articulate, perceptive, grounded, highly skilled, etc.

The second perception is stemming from what I *perceive* is data coming in from my reality. The data seem to say that I have no worth, my skills and education are meaningless....basically that I am nothing. The data comes from many different sources..the lack of responses to my job applications, being made fun of be a friend about our voluntary simplicity, lack of contact from people who I thought were my friends, being treated like my contribution is unimportant by the place I am volunteering at to gain work experience, to my ideas being shot down, my dad constantly dumping all his anger, hatred, and negativity on me when he shows up to visit....well..you can see.

I feel like I cannot go on like this and don't know what to do to change it. I have no sense of direction anymore, I'm beginning to not care about things that mattered to me a short while ago. I just feel lost anymore.

I can't go see a therapist. I have no insurance. I have all this knowledge from all the books I have read, and now I am failing to be able to apply it.

Anyone else ever been there? What did you do to get through it?

[zipworth]

You will get through this. At times like this, when funds are short, I start to Journal. I write down whatever comes to mind, then I reread what I have written to gain insight. I read the book 'Feeling Good' by David Burns. I go out for nice long walks. Things start to look clearer and brighter after a while.

[LROM]

I don't know if this will help but you are really only looking at yourself in a bubble right now. You're looking at your skills and education and other great attributes as worthless because you can't find a job, friends are out of touch, ideas are getting shot down where you volunteer, and your dad's being a total negative jerk.

This view of things all focuses on you, as if you're the measure of those things and nothing else is affecting those dynamics.

In fact, a literal whole WORLD of other things are affecting those dynamics. And I know you know some of this in your head but you're having trouble feeling it in your heart and soul.

I don't say this flippantly, I mean it: google stories on families losing their homes to foreclosure, people with no health insurance having bad things happen, people losing their jobs after decades of loyalty to one workplace. Feelings of unworthiness are natural when people experience these horrible things, but there is a bigger economic context going on and a LOT of people are experienceing what you are, and much worse.

Again, I don't say that to say "So get over it, your situation's not that bad". I don't mean that at all. I just know that one way I get past those really negative hard feelings is to try hard to see that it's not just about me - there is a lot else going on in these dynamics.

I also try to get more info. If your ideas are getting shot down, are you paying attention t the ideas that seem to stick? Is there anythig to learn from that and apply? Is there just someone who is being a jerk at your workplace and does that say more abou tthem than it does about you?

Look at the bigger context of the things you're dealing with, try to immerse yourself in other informatin. The friends who aren't intouch, have you contacted any of them and just said "Hey, I feel like you're really out of touch and wanted to check in. Is everything ok? Did I do anything to upset you?" See what you get. I know that 99% of the time I feel that way about friends, they have a lot going on themselves and are truly sorry I feel that way but they're swamped.

You asked what's helped others - that's what helps me. Seeking info about the various situations and doing whatever I can to separate what is REALLY just about me and how I am, and what is about the economy, the stress at work, other people's stressful lives, other people's messed up behaviors, etc.

Which brings me to your dad.... you're his child, long story short even if you're an adult your parent has no right to dump crap on you and there's no excuse for it. I know that doesn't magically make your dad and his negativity go away, but it's important for you to remember that him doing that is about HIM and his issues, it's not about you at all. His issues I'm sure existed way before you were even born.

Is there a reason you can't take a break from your dad's visits? Can you simply say to him "Dad my life is so stressful right now, I need some time to regroup. I can't visit with you for awhile." And leave it at that? It's key when you're feeling the way you do to cut out whatever negative influences you can, at least for now. Your dad, the friend who made fun of you, whoever you perceive as being negative to/about you, get some distance from them while you figure out what you need to feel better. There is nothing ever wrong with just saying to some one "I've got a lot going on right now, don't want to talk about it, but I need some time to myself, hope you understand." Even if you've never said it before, it's totally fair to say it now.

FWIW, when I had dd my small group of super close friends, who all swore their support, they ALL disappeared when she was born. Of course I felt the way you do, that it reflected on me, abandoned, awful, and I think a little of it did reflect on me, but mostly when I regained contact with them, it was all about them, they said it themselves. Most I'm back in close touch with and we've moved on... one I still don't speak to today. I've reached out to her, she's not responded, I don't really know what happened and since htere's nothing else I can do, I stopped trying. ANd I'm ok with that.

[La Sombra]

So many hugs to you mama. I have seen, in the blue-collar area where I live, this happen to so many families--including my own. Like LROM said, it is happening to people everywhere.

And we live in a society that places so much value on us as people but our PRODUCTIVITY. I read a book a few years ago called "The Disposable American" in which dozens of people who had lost their jobs were interviewed, and the toll on not just their finances but their physical AND mental health were INCREDIBLE.

But what's really hard is that, as a society, even though so many people are suffering through the same situation, we don't really feel like we are part of a community of people who are suffering in the same way. We feel like we're all alone.

So my first suggestion might be to get involved in something that makes you feel either connected to other people in your situation (to remind you that you aren't just some sad loser that the universe has frowned upon), or even something where you are able to help people worse off (to remind you that you are still, indeed, lucky in a lot of ways.)

ALSO: I'm NOT a therapist but darling it sounds like you might actually be suffering from clinical depression. Can you see a regular doctor? Or find a depression support group or something similar? The insurance situation is dreadful and makes me angry that my fellow Americans are in situations where they have cannot address their physical and mental well-being if they don't have a job--at a time when many people need this help the most. Get free help wherever you can.

Another note, and I say this one with caution because I DON'T know a lot about the laws of attraction, admittedly. But one thing that rubs me a little wrong about it is what I perceive as the onus on the individual to attract good things and repel bad things with our thoughts. It almost seems to me that in a situation like yours, you see the very worst of this kind of thinking--because maybe you feel like somehow you sent out some negative waves to the universe or something and have thus somehow brought your misfortune upon yourself. But life is HARD and unfair and I think there has to be a better way of dealing with that fact (the serenity prayer comes to mind--fighting against the unfairness when you can really make a change, and accept the things that you CAN'T change). If I'm totally off the mark just disregard what I'm saying. But I thought I'd mention it in case it resonated at all with what you are feeling now.

So many hugs and so much strength to you. You are not alone and fortune will smile on you again. Let the waves of this difficult time wash over you.