"Confessed" co-sleeping to MIL - not pretty

[NEastMomma]

Well, just after reading the post on "how do I explain co-sleeping to MIL?" I had my own experience!

My MIL was at my house this AM and asked me if DS (8mos) uses a sleep sack anymore. I gathered my courage and told her that no, he doesn't as he sleeps with my DH and me and therefore doesn't need a sleep sack.

FLAMES!!!!

She reacted with an exagerated eye-roll, and proceded to tell me that co-sleeping is the WORST thing I can do for the baby. "No wonder he doesn't sleep well" she said. She went on and on about how he'll never get a good night's sleep, I'll never get a good night's sleep, etc, etc. She was basically horrified and clearly expressed her disapproval.

The thing is, she is normally WONDERFUL! This is the first negative thing she has ever said to me in 10 years. I was crushed and fought back tears. I tried to explain why DH and I made the choice to cosleep, but she didn't really want to hear it.

She and FIL constantly ask about how baby is sleeping and I think they've suspected that we were bringing him into bed for a while now as she seemed prepared with negative things to say.

I've told DH about it (he was working) and he was very supportive, reminding me that all that matters is what is best for DS and me and himself. I'm trying to adopt that attitude. I guess I'm just a conformer at heart and feel uncomfortable being a non-conformist where my in laws (whom I adore) are concerned.

Whew! Sorry so long. Thanks for reading this far!

[octobermoon]

just commiserating with you, both my mom and MIL are the same way! it makes me so angry. especially my own mother who never hesitates to comment on it EVERY TIME i talk to her. i talked to her twice in one day recently and she had to mention it BOTH times! GAH! i'm sick and tired of hearing negative comments about it as i expressed in another post, but really i could just go nuts on them at this point. i mean WHAT THE H%(L is so horrible about it anyway?

[briome]

Well, in a way it might feel better to not have to lie anymore. It seems very annoying (your MIL!) but at least the cat is out of the bag!

[laohaire]

I completely remember what it felt like to be concerned about what my mother and my MIL thought of my parenting choices. I'd actually be nervous about confessing something like that, and torn apart if they didn't like it.

Only a few short years later (DD is 4) I'm so over it. I expect some issues with our decision to homeschool, for example, but I don't give a flying toad. I mean, that's not to say I won't be IRRITATED by things they might say, but I sure as heck won't be NERVOUS or CRUSHED.

Your MIL obviously has made that transition too. You can wave her off and be as uninterested in her opinion as she is yours. You're the mama and you have all the rights as to how to raise your kid, and she has none. She already had her chance.

Oddly, my transition to being assertive and not caring what mom/MIL think has reduced conflict, not increased it. They seem to respect that I'm the mama now. Also, in the case of my mom and MIL (not everyone though), they sure don't mean any harm with their opinions, they just think they know everything and flap their big mouths accordingly. So when I brush them off, they seem to realize their place in matters.

I don't have any advice on how to get there, though. Maybe just reading this and other posts on the board will increase your confidence. It's absolutely ABSURD to say that cosleeping is the WORST thing you could do. I mean, I'm not a fan of cribs, but I sure as heck know that sticking your kid in a crib is hardly the WORST thing you could possibly do. I don't even want to talk about the worst things, you know? Keeping your baby close to you at night isn't in the same universe. Your MIL is just flapping her mouth.

[Kelly1101]

She'll get over it.

My mom made a few grumpy noises like that, too, I just told her that next time she has a baby, she can do whatever she wants with it. (Same response I give her to any of her little "wah wah I did it this way, why do you do it that way" complaints).

[NEastMomma]

Thank you!

Wow, thanks ladies, for your replies. Each of you made me feel better! Feels good to know I'm not alone. And you're so right - I do have a sense of the cat being out of the bag. I do look forward to the transition of "owning" my decisions, etc. And yes, she'll just have to get over it.

Really I'll just have to learn to stand up for myself in the face of opposition, so to speak!

[maptome]

All my MIL said was, "Well, whatever works" with the slightest judgment and I was fuming. I can't imagine. With my hormones, I would have LOST it.

[St. Margaret]

You know, even though right now I'm pregnant and DD's been sick a while and I'm tired of waking up at 4am and trying to get back to sleep only to wake an hour later... this is mostly b/c she's so big she's in her own bed now, where I often join her, and it's a bit cramped...

The memories of when she was a little baby, cozy in bed with us... these are some of the best memories ever! SO sweet cuddled up, head on boob, little sleepy milky face... I wouldn't trade those memories for any more sleep. And I want to sleep all day right now!

Trust your heart, mama. I'm sorry she was rude.

[Drummer's Wife]

. I don't even get why other people care!? I mean, I guess if they truly think co-sleeping is detrimental, and they want the best for the baby and all... but, sheesh! Maybe I've been lucky, or others just keep it to themselves, but in 9 yrs of parenting 4 LO's (including a 3 yo who still sleeps with us), I've never had a family member make me feel bad about it, or give me a hard time. I would be super annoyed that they had the nerve to comment negatively about my own family's personal sleeping situation.

Since it's your MIL's issue, she'll just have to get over it.

[mary3mama]

Hang in there. Yep, it's not a secret anymore. That doesn't mean she's done attempting to badger you into submission. Or not, just depends on what type of person she is.

My MIL was very disapproving when she found out we co-slept. I didn't much care and let it go. Of course she badgered dh about it for a long time until he finally told her to drop it.

She finally backed off when he told her, "mom, seriously, if this one bothers you...you really don't want to dig any deeper into our parenting style." She wisely dropped it altogether.

These days she only makes snide remarks about homeschooling now and then.

[Starflower]

You know, my mom was worried about DD sleeping with us as a baby. When she realized we weren't going to budge, she left us a newspaper article from her local paper. Yeah, whatever. It got recycled. My mom still worries that DD (almost 7) sleeps in our room (and sometimes our bed).

Yet the last time we visited my parents (they live out of state), DD (then 5 years) wanted to sleep with them in their bed for the whole visit! They didn't mind that at all. Go figure.

My conclusion? People are weird and are conditioned to certain norms. They also thought it was odd that I nursed for so long, yet they would admit that DD seemed to need it.

I think they've finally realized that we parent very differently from them. For awhile it seemed to be a threat, but I think they are working through it. Especially my mom. Hopefully, your MIL will back off and just let it go eventually. Sorry she got in your face.

[momma_bear]

Why does it matter if she rolled her eyes and so forth? Do what's best for you. It's your child. Her opinion is irrelevant.

My mom constantly tells me she disapproves of co-sleeping. I don't care. My baby and I'm doing what I feel is best.

Hang in there and be strong! 2:

[pacificbliss]

I have decided comments like that come from a place of regret and try to be understanding. Maybe I am just choosing to believe this but it seems like whenever someone is so adamant about something it's a defense mechanism.

for example:

Co-sleeping: we have all these sweet moments cuddled up with our children. We wake up to nurse babies and then fall back to sleep together. Perhaps your MILs memories are a baby crying in the night, having to get up and walk down the hall, sit in a chair to nurse or rock baby back to sleep. She just remembers being incredibly sleep deprived and feels bad about feeling resentful sometimes when she had to get up.


Anyhow, looking at it from that perspective helps me keep my anger in check. I feel sympathetic instead and can then just smile and say we have found what works for our family.

[Picard]

I think that your MIL was out of line. I too am a person who gets upset when I am criticized on my parenting style, so I totally understand that this got you upset. But, think about it, they were mothering a long time ago and research and parenting styles change. You know what is good for you and your family.

I get messages from two mothers (one step), and I tell you, I take them with a grain of salt since my mom told me that formula was better than BM, and my step-mom was telling me that DS was not sleeping well because he picks up on my and DHs moods when he sleeps in the same bed with us. I choose to politely say that I take their points into consideration and then I change the subject.

[mntnmom]

If this is the first time she's done this, assume its coming from a good place. For a couple generations, parents were told that they needed to separate from their kids and things like holding them too much, sleeping with them, breastfeeding etc, would be bad for the child's emotional development. Add to that the fact that all the current mainstream propaganda claims co-sleeping is deadly dangerous, and its no wonder she thinks its a bad idea.

You know you're doing the right thing. If you want to make *her* feel better about the choice you have already made, share the research with her. Otherwise, just work on cultivating a thick skin. It's amazing what even complete strangers think its appropriate to comment on. If you don't act like its up for discussion, most people will back off.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by Picard

my mom told me that formula was better than BM,

*blink blink* Where did she get THAT one from? I mean, I've heard that breastfeeding is too HARD or too much effort, that it means you are "chained" to the baby and can't have a life (yes, because the better way is to have a baby and then avoid being around it?... *sigh*), etc... but I've never had someone tell me that formula was BETTER. Where has she been the past twenty years or so?

[mamadelbosque]

Yeah, at some point you get to the point where you just really. don't. care. what anyone else thinks about your parenting choices - not your mom/dad, not mil/fil, not friends/other relatives or random people on the street. It just ceases to matter... I'm pretty open with most of our choices (ebf, co-sleeping, erf, etc), the only one that I try my darndes to avoid is vaccines, cause' I'm perfectly well aware that I'm in the extreme minority around here (although in some ways I suspect not... theres a lot of very religious folk around, after all...), and thus I just try to avoid it, though a smallish handful of folks do in fact know that we don't vax, and don't seem to care.

[Turquesa]

NEastMomma, I'm so sorry you went through this. We haven't been overly (key word) heckled about the co-sleeping, but believe me, other aspects of our parenting have been (ahem!) cross-examined. You've heard some wonderful and wise advice from PP's.

I'm just bracing myself for when I become a grand-parent. What bizarre parenting practices will my children engage in?

[NEastMomma]

Thanks everyone. I feel so much better about this now. Having so many responses from wise mothers who've been there totally helped me. I sometimes feel "alone" in some of my mothering decisions as they seem to be so different from many of my peers in mommy-baby classes, etc. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to get such support from these boards. I think I'll have some extra legs to stand on should something like this happen again (tho DH had a talk w/ her about how its fine to have opinions, but just simmer down a bit )

Thank you again!

[Norasmomma]

My MIL was totally supportive of our co-sleeping, she said she would have loved to have sleep with her babies but FIL was too hard of a sleeper.

My battle was my g-ma she told me I'd roll on DD and suffocate her. My mom was aghast when I said we wouldn't circ-ing DS, she told me it was unclean, I told her I wasn't cutting off part of my son-that pretty much shut her up.

It's ok to stand your ground. YOU are the mama now, not your MIL.