How to warn MIL that I won't keep stuff she gives us forever?

[limabean]

My MIL is a saver -- she still has all her grown kids' old toys (among many many other things), most of which are in pretty bad shape, but for some reason she can't bring herself to throw them out. I'm the complete opposite -- I get downright giddy when I clear stuff out of my house, and I try really hard not to acquire too much new stuff.

Now that we have kids, my MIL often gives us stuff she thinks our kids might enjoy. Some of it is junky and some of it has actually been really cool, like DH's old Star Wars toys, and some neat old cars. But with all of it, once the kids outgrow it I plan to get rid of it, by donating, tossing, or giving MIL the option to take it back if it's something really important to her. How can I tactfully let her know that while I appreciate her passing this stuff along to us, I don't want to feel obligated to keep it in my house for the next 30 years?

Normally with gifts I don't have a problem donating them or whatever once they've served their purpose, but in this case I feel like she went to the trouble to keep them for decades, and I should at least warn her before I get rid of them, but it could sound really ungrateful if it's not worded well. Help!

Would a simple, "I was packing up some of the toys the kids have outgrown and noticed that some of the things from when your kids were little were in there. Should I pass them on or did you want to keep them?" be rude?

[laohaire]

You got it, you ask if she wants it back when you're done or if she'd like you to pass it on. It's not rude at all.

[hakeber]

That's a good idea, I would also take any opportunity to announce how much you LOVE to declutter and unload unused stuff, so that she hears how much you dislike keeping stuff. Being a bit of a collector myself, I have a hard time understanding people that don't keep stuff for sentimental reasons. I have to hear it several times before I genuinely believe that about anyone.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by hakeber

That's a good idea, I would also take any opportunity to announce how much you LOVE to declutter and unload unused stuff, so that she hears how much you dislike keeping stuff. Being a bit of a collector myself, I have a hard time understanding people that don't keep stuff for sentimental reasons. I have to hear it several times before I genuinely believe that about anyone.

Good advice -- I do make that known to her fairly regularly. In fact, we just moved, and I went on and on the other day about how awesome it was to clear out so much stuff and start fresh.

To address your other point, I do keep stuff for sentimental reasons, but I don't just have heaps and heaps of "sentimental" stuff filling up every available closet and drawer. Rather than keeping anything and everything that reminds me of a certain person or event, I choose a few special items and do the Peter Walsh thing of giving them a place of honor within my home. So for instance, I have a few cookie molds of my grandmother's, and a few spice jars of my DH's grandmother's, and we have them all nicely displayed together on a decorative kitchen shelf where they can be appreciated, not crammed in a box in the garage under 17 more boxes of their stuff, you know? Or as another example, I'm making a quilt with scraps of my favorite baby clothes of DD's, but I'm not keeping boxes and boxes of everything she ever wore.

[MJB]

My mom is like that, too. I just give back everything she gives my kids when they outgrow it-- toys and clothes. She is really attached to things and I'm really not. There are some things that are keepsakes to me (really high quality wooden toys, their first outfits) but not many. She has every pair of spandex bike shorts I ever wore somewhere in her attic, along with boxes full of McDonalds toys.

[hakeber]

Limabean...did your MIL by any chance grow up poorer than she is now? I have found that people who grew up in need have a hard time giving up that mentality and they hold onto stuff just in case.

I get what you mean, now, and I LOVE the quilt idea!

[nolansmummy]

My mil is the same way. Dh and i joke that she has kept everything he ever touched in a box in the basement. She constantly is buying my kids stuff and eventually we just have to make room for it by getting rid of the old. I just sell most of it at garage sales. I keep some of dh's childhood stuff, and have given some of it back . I love to declutter too, but mil just doesn't get it. She saw us selling some crappy toys she got the kids (like mcdonalds toys or something) and was upset. She would have a heart attack if she knew i didn't keep all of ds's school papers

[limabean]

Originally Posted by hakeber

Limabean...did your MIL by any chance grow up poorer than she is now? I have found that people who grew up in need have a hard time giving up that mentality and they hold onto stuff just in case.

I get what you mean, now, and I LOVE the quilt idea!

She grew up middle class, and still is. I don't mind that she keeps stuff, I just don't want her to have the expectation that I will as well.

Originally Posted by nolansmummy

My mil is the same way. Dh and i joke that she has kept everything he ever touched in a box in the basement. She constantly is buying my kids stuff and eventually we just have to make room for it by getting rid of the old. I just sell most of it at garage sales. I keep some of dh's childhood stuff, and have given some of it back . I love to declutter too, but mil just doesn't get it. She saw us selling some crappy toys she got the kids (like mcdonalds toys or something) and was upset. She would have a heart attack if she knew i didn't keep all of ds's school papers

Yep, that's exactly what I'm talking about. I have a slim accordion file in which I keep particularly cool stuff that DS does at school (there's maybe 8 things in there from preschool and kindergarten combined so far), but I don't keep every paper he ever touched with a crayon and don't intend to (although I do save the larger drawings to use for wrapping paper). DS's special teddy bear that he's slept with every night since he was 6 months old? Yes, we'll keep it forever, unless DS wants to get rid of it later. Every little crappy beanie baby-type stuffed animal that random family members have given him over the years? No, those are definitely getting donated. But I just wouldn't want to pass everything along and have her be crushed later when/if she finds out.

[karne]

Those of us with parents/grandparents who experienced anything of the depression era often find ourselves having to deal with the "saving" mentality. I know it's been passed on in DH's family, so I try to remember how important a value to his family saving everything is, and why it made sense at one point.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by karne

Those of us with parents/grandparents who experienced anything of the depression era often find ourselves having to deal with the "saving" mentality. I know it's been passed on in DH's family, so I try to remember how important a value to his family saving everything is, and why it made sense at one point.

Yeah, I get that. As I said, it doesn't bother me that she saves, but it's not a habit I'll be continuing.

So ... what do you do about stuff piling up and avoiding hurt feelings with your DH's family?

[serenbat]

You may love to toss but your children may grow up and not at all be thrilled with you.

My DH's mom is just like you and he has so little left from his childhood-he has spent $$$ buying it back, but is at a loss for the items he made and are gone forever.

If you married someone who has a mom like this you children may turn out the exact way and be quite resentful of what you did.

just something to think about- I know it's caused my DH lot of pain over the years

[karne]

Originally Posted by limabean

Yeah, I get that. As I said, it doesn't bother me that she saves, but it's not a habit I'll be continuing.

So ... what do you do about stuff piling up and avoiding hurt feelings with your DH's family?

Well, first, you have the right to do whatever you wish to in your own home. You don't have any obligation to save something that you don't want to save, and which has no meaning for you, your dh, or your children. You might be breaking a bit of a cycle in this way, and that is never easy. How does your dh feel about this?

My way of dealing so far, w/dh's family, is to not accept anything that I think might have "value" in the giver's eyes. I think it's just respectful to be clear that there are some things that should not live at our house.

But, interestingly, as my kids have gotten older, they LOVE everything that comes to us that used to be their father's when he was a child. Every little thing. My dd sleeps in the old tattered baseball shirt that I probably never would have kept! It's actually a very powerful connection that they feel, even if I am not as moved by material things.

My advice is to be gently honest w/ m-in-law, be open to what may be meaningful at some point to someone else, and try to balance your own needs with what is important to your family. Good luck. I know it's not easy!

[zeldamomma]

If it were me, I would let dh talk to his mom about it when you're ready to give things back/away. If he's on the same page as you, he should take the heat with his mom, it will work out better in the long run.

I'd also talk to your dh before I disposed of anything that had been his when he was a child, even if his mom doesn't care. It would be awful to give away something that he had relied on his mother keeping for him.

ZM

[limabean]

Originally Posted by serenbat

You may love to toss but your children may grow up and not at all be thrilled with you.

My DH's mom is just like you and he has so little left from his childhood-he has spent $$$ buying it back, but is at a loss for the items he made and are gone forever.

If you married someone who has a mom like this you children may turn out the exact way and be quite resentful of what you did.

just something to think about- I know it's caused my DH lot of pain over the years

I do an excellent job of keeping special things and treating them with honor. My children will have wonderful mementos of their childhoods to keep forever if they want to.

To answer the last couple of posts, my DH enjoys having an organized, clutter-free home and doesn't have a problem with donating or tossing stuff that's not useful to us anymore, so there's no problem there. And neither of us gets rid of something without checking with the other first.