Financially strapped and want one more baby? - Page 2

[rootzdawta]

Moved from Stay-at-Home Parents.

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by Phoebe

Dh's 3 jobs luckily only take up a usual 8-5 time frame most of the time. 2 of his jobs are his own businesses, one of which I believe has great potential and the other will allow for a decent living. It's funny, I say we are flat broke only after I looked at our actual income last year. But day to day and when I look around our home I feel wealthy. We are capable of getting what we need, bit not the lavish extras. We are into simple living.
I think in the future we will do quite well, by out standards anyway.
But in the mean time the since no matter what I think will happen the future is still uncertain...for everyone. And he is the one who shoulders the burden.

Healthcare is very expensive. The price we pay being an extremely healthy family of 5 is downright robbery. But that is another thread.

How does your dh feel about this? You state that he is the one shouldering the financial burden. I am just a little older than you and my dh is 42 and as much as we would love to have another kid, with 1 starting college this fall, a 4 yo and no retirement fund..we had to face reality and say no. I am sure I will always have a twinge of regret but I have a father who is close to retirement with no nest egg, I am in his retirement plan. That alone makes me realize that I have to think about my future. Since I don't want to put on my kids what is basically being put on me ( I am not going to have my only living parent homeless eating out of a garbage can).

In the end you have to make the choices that are best for you and your family and sometimes not everything comes down to dollars and cents though you have to consider the angles.

[TwinMomPlus]

Think about the money you would be taking away from your current 3 children, maybe that will help put things in perspective.

[happysmileylady]

I have so been there. And as it turned out, fate made the decision for me.

When I met DH, I had a dd already. And DH and I talked about kids before we got married. He really wanted to be done having kids by the time he was 40, because he wanted to be a young grandpa. (He is 7.5 years older than me.) And while we talked about 5 kids, we both agreed at that point that 3 total was probably a practical number for us. We also knew that we wanted more right away. So we started ttc on our wedding night...well actually the night after, but anyway And we were hit with secondary infertility, so we ttc for 6 years and had to confront a lot of these questions head on and really really think about it.

Why do you want another? Is it that you miss the baby stage? Is it that you really do have a desire for another gender, and if so, why? Is it that you want a bigger family? Is it that you want to see another child learn and grow? For us, my primary reason was to give my kids siblings-I am the oldest of 4 and wanted my kids to have the opportunity fo rthe same variety of relationships-and also because I wanted lots of grand kids and you are less likely to have lots of grandkids if you don't have lots of kids.

How likely is it that your financial situation will change? My personal philosophy regarding such a huge decision is that I don't base a permanent decision on a temporary situation. For us, the cost of the fertility treatments necessary was an additional factor, but because of DH's age, it put saving for the IVF to the top of the list. It did mean we had to postpone after DD was born, but we knew we wanted at least one more, for DD2 to have a sibling close in age (something DD1 missed out on) and to at least get close to DH's goal regarding his own age (he will be 40 this summer) But we also knew our financial situation was likely to change dramatically within just a few years, because he will have his bachelors in mechanical engineering in December 2011.

As it happened, they say that you never get more trouble than you can handle. And the powers that be apparently knew that I simply couldn't handle the thought of not having another and that 6 years of IF was all I could handle. Because DH and I got pg on our own, NOT trying and are due in September...DD2 will be 22months and DD1 will be nearly 15. And while I could still stand for one or two more, DH is happy at 3, his age concerns are legit and our agreement was 3. We have talked about permanent steps, but aren't sure what we are going to do. If this one is a girl, I might consider trying to talk him into one more but won't push it if he's comfortable with 3 girls.

[ltlmrs]

I say go for it if it's in your heart to have another child. I've yet to meet a person who was financially strapped say that they wish they didn't have as many kids as they do And solutions tend to present themselves out of nowhere just when you need them.

In my mind, there is never a good time to have another kid. Our thoughts on the matter have always centered around the idea that unless there is something specific that would make having a child inprudent at the moment, then yes, give it some more thought. In our case, we haven't had any sort of insurance and we're opposed to getting on the state insurance, so we have been waiting to have another until we had a way to pay our medical bills. For someone else, not having insurance would not be as big an issue as it was for us. But, if it's just uncertainty and fear of the future, we trust that things will work out (in our case, we trust in Providence and that we will not be gifted with a new life unless we could provide).

[TwinMomPlus]

If people had to wait until they were more financially stable to have children, me and my sisters wouldn't be here! lol

[EFmom]

Personally, I wouldn't have another child unless I was a very comfortable financial place with the kids we already had. Personally, I don't think it's fair to the existing children.

[mnnice]

After both my kids I had a brief period where I really wanted another baby (it seemed to sync with the return of my fertility).

After DS1 we had a discussion about TTC when he was about 18 months. My DH who wanted another baby definitely was not up for TTC at that point and suggested waiting about a year. While I thought his logic made sense and I agreed to the plan I still really wanted to do it sooner. In the end, I was very happy with the spacing we ended up with (40 months apart)

After DS2 I briefly had the same feelings, but I also had a DH that had had a vas (which was a jointly made, well discussed decision) and an awareness in more logical parts of my brain that a third was not the best for us. Our reasons were not finanically driven, but more about the other finite resources of patience and meeting the emotional needs of all family members.

I am not saying this is your situation at all, but I just throw it out there as something to think about. The good news is that if it just sort of a hormonally driven thing it does eventually go away without having another baby.

[amyamanda]

I will be honest.

Since having my kids, I have developed a perspective on the economy, peak oil, and the future outlook for our lifestyle that has me feeling that if I were to choose family size again, I would choose smaller.

I love my kids dearly and would never in a million years trade what I have!

It is a scramble, though. DH was recently out of work for over a year. Thankfully we had some resources. It would have been really difficult if we hadn't.

You need more carseats and you may need a bigger car (goodbye, gas efficiency). In cold winters, you need more warm blankets and other bedding for more beds. You need more food - lots more food. Some things can be handed down, but some cannot. Even clothing and footwear bought new for #1 rarely make it down to #4.

And then there are school fees if you don't homeschool (and other fees if you do). And activity fees - see my recent thread on this - if your kids are involved in anything outside of school. Gas for driving around.

Vacations? Well, I guess the difference between 3 and 4 is pretty insignificant. But FWIW, some hotels will not allow more than 5 people in a room and make you book a second room if you have 6 family members. Four kids are less easily portable than three.

I don't mean to sound like a downer, but think about the worst-case scenario: struggling to meet the food and shelter and warmth needs of a larger family. It could be challenging, at best.

Also consider that with any additional kids, your attention is necessarily split. Depending on the personalities and needs of the ones you already have, this may be fine - or it may not be fine. We stopped when we did, in part because my oldest needed more attention than he was getting and I didn't want to compromise that further.

Today I am tired and feeling overwhelmed, stressed by our schedule and a bit by finances. I absolutely love my family and it is great to have four kids. But it is also really hard sometimes. And we have been able to get by comfortably even with financial stress, but I feel lucky that that was the case. I wouldn't push it. Sorry to be so negative about it.

I do think it is absolutely possible to look on the bright side and make it work with a larger family, but the risk that you won't be able to meet all their needs if disaster struck is much higher (25% higher).

[mamadelbosque]

DS1 is 3 and DS2 is 8 months. I could totally see myself with 3 children, I could. But, I'm totally content, totally happy with 2. And after reading "Who's to Blame for the Population Crisis?" in Mother Jones a couple days ago, I'm pretty much 100% positive that we're done. We haven't done anything permanent, but I'm leaning towards starting to insist that DH get a vasectomy, so that we can just not worry about it anymore, yk?

[TwinMomPlus]

I think I will always yearn for a baby. I think a lot of women are that way. I could probably have 5 kids and still wish for another baby. But I think that more of what I would really be wishing for is that my kids could be babies again. Too bad you can't rewind for just one day! My mom used (and still does) say that all the time and now I totally understand. The thought of my kids getting older is both exciting and depressing!

But I think for the sake of my current children, we should stop at 3 because I would just be taking resources away from them and I want them to have a full and enriching life.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by TwinMomPlus

I think I will always yearn for a baby. I think a lot of women are that way. I could probably have 5 kids and still wish for another baby. But I think that more of what I would really be wishing for is that my kids could be babies again. Too bad you can't rewind for just one day! My mom used (and still does) say that all the time and now I totally understand. The thought of my kids getting older is both exciting and depressing!

We have two and I'm fairly certain we will stay at two (unless I became very unexpectedly pg--- DP has been snipped--- or we needed to take a family member/close friend in through adoption/foster care). While I love the baby stage and would honestly love another child, I don't think the benifits of growing our family outweigh the very real costs of attention & other resources. Now, DP & I are still fairly young (We will be 40 when DD heads to college) so could hypothetically have another "set" in the future, but I doubt we will.

But you need to do what is right for you. I really wish that every child were a truly longed for child--- I think that is the most important thing assuming we are not talking true poverty here (homelessness, malnutrition, etc...). If you have it in you to want another and give them what every child deserves, good luck with TTC!

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by mnnice

After DS2 I briefly had the same feelings, but I also had a DH that had had a vas (which was a jointly made, well discussed decision) and an awareness in more logical parts of my brain that a third was not the best for us. Our reasons were not finanically driven, but more about the other finite resources of patience and meeting the emotional needs of all family members.

This has been our situation. Many days, I'd still love to have a brood of children, but the reality of my day-to-day life is that 2 children works best for us. If you have more children and aren't financially prepared to do so, then you are going to need more energy otherwise to put in the time & effort required to see fiscal savings. There's a trade-off to everything, and considering all of the factors is what led us to decide that more children just isn't a good idea for us, as sad as it sometimes makes me.