How do you keep yourself calm?

[malayasmommy]

My wonderful, amazing, 27-month-old DD is at an...ummm...challenging stage. I am starting to get concerned about the way my husband and I cope with some of her challenges. (No concerns about physical violence at all, just emotional affects on her.) We are getting increasingly frustrated with her running around the house with poop coming out of her, refusing to hold our hand on a busy street, etc. and are starting to yell more. We try to keep calm and be reasonable, have reasonable expectations for her, etc...we also "tag team parent", so I am alone with her during the day and my husband is alone with her all evening. We try and get some breaks during the week, but we really don't get much. I'm sure this lack of a break contributes to our frustration levels.

Just wondering what others are doing to keep themselves calm during times when your getting SO FRUSTRATED! and have no option to get a reprieve from it...

Thanks!

[rightkindofme]

Uhhh, I lock myself in my room for a few minutes and cry. Really. And I liberally use time out for behavior that is really just not ok. I understand that lots of people don't like it but I haven't ever seen any other method that gives us both space and still shows her that her behavior is a problem. (Time out is really mellow here. She has to sit somewhere--usually the couch--until she is ready to listen. Can be ten minutes, can be ten seconds.)

[Katie T]

I agree with the time out, but we don't call it time out we call it sitting in the chair and they are in the room we are in. It is very gentle and is effective if done correctly. Super Nanny is a great resource to see correct time outs.

That is a very challenging age, I don't let them not hold my hand when we cross the street and safety things like that. If you are consistent it is much more effective and does make a big improvement in there behavior.

I also notice that if I stay calm as hard as that is some times they don't act on that as much. And I have done as the PP said and took a time out for myself as well. Sometimes you just have to.

[JessieBird]

Mine is too young for time outs (I think anyway, haven't tried yet but can't imagine that he'd understand at 16 mo) but I give myself time outs on a regular basis. When I'm really being driven to the edge, sometimes I just completely tune out for a few minutes, no matter what kind of heck is breaking out. I focus on my own task (like cooking or whatever) and completely ignore DS for a few minutes until my frustration has passed. Sometimes this means he dances on the dining room table for a minute or a crayon gets eaten or dog food gets dumped all over the floor. I don't care. Of course most of the time I would rather teach him that these sorts of behaviours aren't acceptable but I think that showing him that he can't get my attention that way is sometimes just as good and it allows me time to cool down. I'll pick up the pieces later when we're both feeling better.

As for really essential things like hand holding at streets, this is a biggy for us too. I've learned a lot from the Montessori-trained caregivers at his daycare. In some ways they are bit robotic, their approach is SO consistent. For something as non-negotiable as hand-holding when crossing a street (though that doesn't happen at daycare but as an example of how I apply their approach), it is simply the rule. You simply have no choice and it's all very matter-of-fact. There is no long explanation or coming to some agreement, it just is the way it is. When I tried this with DS, in the beginning he would kick and scream and throw himself to the ground so either I would pick him up to cross the street or we would turn around and go back, all right away with very little "discussion" or second chances. Gradually, he came to expect that I would take his hand at the bottom of the driveway, that's it that's all. Happens every time and there's no exception. I find that this approach has really helped to focus my mind on the outcome so that I don't get frustrated and he has benefited greatly from the straightforward consistency.

[lyra2007]

This sounds weird, because there's no way she understands what the words actually mean, but I just tell my daughter that certain things (mostly safety issues--car seat, running around in restaurants, holding hands in parking lots, etc.) are "non-negotiable." And I mean it. No discussions, no explanations. When something is non-negotiable, I do not cave, no matter how easy it would be. She's only 25 months, but she has figured out that when "non-negotiable" makes its appearance, there's no point in arguing.

I think the trick is that I use this tactic as seldom as I have to. Otherwise I pretty much let her do what she wants, as long as its not hurting or bothering herself or others. She's always been very easy going; however, she is lately getting significantly more defiant, so I can't promise this will keep working!

[alegna]

That age is tough. IME sometimes it works better to just take more control to avoid the situation. If she has trouble holding hands crossing the street, then you pick her up as you approach the street. If she escapes during diaper changes, you find a way to prevent the escape.

I don't think time outs are a good tool with toddlers.

-Angela

[malayasmommy]

This brings up another interesting thought, regarding consistency with this age. For example, with crossing the street--in our neighborhood we have some somewhat busy streets and some very quiet streets with hardly any cars. I spoke this over with my mother-in-law, who is an Early Childhood Family Education teacher, and here was her suggestion: when we get to a street we ask "is this a busy street or a quiet street?", then we discuss which one it is. If it's a quiet street, she must wait until I saw "it's safe" before crossing and she does not have to hold my hand (but must walk right next to me). If it's a busy street then we ALWAYS hold hands. I was concerned about whether there was too much inconsistency but it seems to have helped A LOT. Just interested in others' thoughts.

Additionally, with the diaper changes, I have tried asking if she wants to stand up or lay down and change her diaper. Sometimes she's more cooperative if she gets a choice...but of course, not always. She's also using the potty more and more, I am wondering if she might just want to transition to no more diapers.

I bring this up, because I wonder if I might be giving her too much space...maybe in some ways she WANTS more consistency and for us to be more rigid? Does that make sense?