Do you contradict people's "facts" in public settings?

[limabean]

One woman in a group I hang out with sometimes is pretty free with her opinions, openly telling other mothers what they should and shouldn't be doing with their kids as though she's the group expert. Some of the things she says are old wives tales that have been thoroughly debunked for years or even decades. Most of us just kind of smile and nod and change the subject, but every once in a while I have to fight the urge to contradict her. Do you bite your lip in those situations to keep the peace, or do you speak up?

[treegardner]

If it's a safety issue or something that would seriously undermine a mom's ability to be successful at something she is striving for (natural childbirth, breastfeeding, etc.) then I speak up.

[MusicianDad]

If it's something that I think people might believe, then I speak up. If I can tell that everyone else is thinking "really? You believe that?" then I don't bother.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by limabean

Do you bite your lip in those situations to keep the peace, or do you speak up?

Hmmm, I don't think I have a single, consistent response. I dislike misinformation. In most social situations, however, I prefer conversation to flow comfortably. I'm an introvert, so public debate takes a lot of energy for me. So it depends on a lot of things - first, is conversation going to move from a discussion which welcomes diverse views into a debate that doesn't. If it's going to be a debate, then it depends on how ornery I feel at that moment, how much I care about a particular issue, how much damage might result if the misinformation is allowed to stand, how uncomfortable OTHER people will be if a civil discussion starts heating up into a debate, how much I'm going to regret letting another person move me away from a place of peace in the conversation.

I have spoken out without hesitation on some issues -eg. to debunk ridiculous Sept. 11 conspiracy theories.

OP, it sounds as if there isn't free and welcoming atmosphere for diverse views in this group - or at least with this one woman. I'm not sure why she's allowed to express her opinions, but you aren't. If you are a thick-skinned extrovert, I'd say go for it.

[Smokering]

I usually start to do it automatically, then realise it probably sounds rude and backtrack or play the ditz as a defense mechanism. I'm a trivia nerd and a bit Aspie, and most of my opinions are non-mainstream, so...! Luckily most of my friends are geeks and argument is our standard mode of discourse.

I am making a conscious effort not to contradict my MIL, though. She just brings it out of me!

[berry987]

Ugh - I'd probably not hang out with that woman very often. People like that really bother me. I think it's because I have very strong opinions and tend to do a lot of research on things that interest me, but I don't usually share those opinions with other people (unless I'm very close to them, like DH or one of my sisters). I just figure, to each their own.

So when people are overly vocal about their own opinions (even if I agree with them) I tend to get quiet and bottle up my own opinion because I don't want to be seen as similar to them. And if they are saying something I disagree with...oh man, then I just get really annoyed on the inside.

So maybe this is more my issue and I need to be comfortable speaking up!

[Everrgreen]

I have, but both times it was just an emotional response that burst out of me . Both times were at playgroups where a new mom was being given CIO advice ('you need to do this by 3 months of age') and I just couldn't sit quietly. I had to let the new moms know that that isn't a normal thing to do. And in the one situation, I had tried my best to sit quietly, but then the conversation started to turn into 'babies don't NEED to eat during the night, it's just a habit', and that's when I sort of lost it.

And there have been situations where I have either ignored misinfo or just left because I wasn't up for a confrontation. But I try and say something if I feel someone is actually taking horrible advice seriously.

[hildare]

usually. i have a big mouth.
however, i try to phrase things inoffensively- and say things like, "you know, i was reading the other day and some people actually believe/say/think X." not a direct contradiction exactly, but at least mentioning how other people see things.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

If it's something that I think people might believe, then I speak up. If I can tell that everyone else is thinking "really? You believe that?" then I don't bother.

The latter seems to be what most people are thinking, so I've let it slide so far.

Originally Posted by Smokering

I usually start to do it automatically, then realise it probably sounds rude and backtrack or play the ditz as a defense mechanism.

There's one mother who seems to do the ditz thing to challenge the woman in a non-confrontational way. The woman sort of splutters and gets defensive if asked something as simple as "Really? Why?"

It's never been about anything that could be dangerous if someone actually followed her advice, and as I said, the mothers don't seem to take what the woman says too seriously, so I think I'll just continue ignoring it as much as possible.

[rightkindofme]

I have zero problem with confrontation and I am extremely well educated about a wide variety of topics. If the misinformation is in any area I focus on I will absolutely speak up. If it is not an area I feel confident discussing I will ask questions in a way that indicates my lack of belief but I won't directly challenge.

[One_Girl]

In some cases I do, but if it isn't something that is a big deal and I don't want to invest the energy then I don't.

[InMediasRes]

It depends on the group, the person saying it, how it is received, and how passionately I feel about what they are talking about.

I am a know it all by nature, so I hate it when people spread false information, especially on something that I happen to know a lot about. If it was a "you should" statement instead of a "I heard" statement, I would probably say something more forceful instead of just sharing information.

I don't like being that way. I wish I was just able to keep my trap shut when it's something stupid, but I hate hearing someone spouting off false information, especially if I feel like it's directed at my parenting practices.

A friend of my mom's likes to tell me stuff like she knows everything. She told me before I had my first babe that every first time mom must have an episiotomy. I wasn't much of a researcher back then, but I rememebered what she said when my OB was standing over me with the knife. I wish I could tell her that her false information made me feel like I couldn't contradict my doctor. Even if it was just an old-fashioned idea, it was still harmful to me.

[KristyDi]

As pp have said it depends on what the misinformation is and who's around. If I say something I usually preface it as non-confrontational as possible and use a friendly, I'm open to learning new things, tone of voice. ie "Really? It's my understanding that. . ." or "Oh how interesting. The research I've done seems to say that . . ."

I'm more forceful on things that are major safety issues. Like if someone said you could turn a 5 month old forward facing in their car seat because they're 20lbs, I would point out that that is not only illegal, but dangerous and explain about internal decapitation. I would try to phrase it as, I wouldn't want them to get a ticket and that I know it's not common knowledge, but I was sooo thankful that I stumbled onto the information.

Most often the reason I speak up is for other listening, not for the person who originally said the wrong thing. Even if I never change the 1st person's mind, I've put another POV out there and given others something to think about.

[Tigerchild]

Well, by nature, I am an alpha. Left to myself, I would correct her in order to dominate her. Sure, I could dress it up to myself that she was spreading misinformation, but if I'm honest, if I REALLY cared about the misinformation I could just as easily contact the other moms/vulnerable moms privately rather than face down in public (which would likely make everyone uncomfortable even if they agreed with me).

So I am careful when I am in a group like that. Because I know myself, and there's nothing I love better than making someone submit to my facts, and in person it's actually very easy for me to verbally dominate people. If you have any kind of inclination that way, be careful that this woman might just be tripping those instincts in you. (Someone who likes to run their mouth, but can't stand any kind of contradiction without going incoherant? Mmm, perfect place to sharpen the claws, esp. if you're a good verbal debater.)

Generally I place more importance on the comfort of the people who are not pissing me off, than the one person who is. An acquaintance playdate is generally not the place to throw it down with a mouthy ignorant person. You will likely win the argument, but people will very rightfully be angry and uncomfortable with YOU for your choice to *escalate* the situation. Of course, I have NEVER learned that through experience or anything, oh no. However, if you are *truly* concerned about big time misinformation, I think it's better to contact the people you are concerned about privately. Even if it's just walking out the car. First, it makes a better impression that you care enough to talk privately with them, and that you also didn't ruin the playdate for everyone. That makes you kind and approachable and sensitive. Or at least makes people think that you are.

So anyway, it's probably likely my thoughts on this are way off base with your own motivations, ect. I just wanted to pipe up as a know it all who's pet peeve are "ignorante faux-know-it-alls". Sometimes your need to correct someone may not be the socially or even pragmatically correct thing to do--esp. if you want to build connection with vulnerable moms or actually get them to listen to you vs. shutting down when two people throw it down.

ETA: The only time I throw it down in a group like that is if it's obvious that the targeted mom is feeling set upon or bullied. Then I can let some of the claws out, only a little. I will speak up to defend a vulnerable mama even if I agree more with the bully (like if someone is beating someone down for not doing local/organic. Hey, I love me some local and organic, but if you are ripping in to an upset mama for sport when she's told you politely to get off her case, I feel honor bound to stand behind her).

[nerdymom]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

If it's something that I think people might believe, then I speak up. If I can tell that everyone else is thinking "really? You believe that?" then I don't bother.

Ditto.

I was a member of a new mothers group sponsors by a hospital, and occasionally the leader would say something to a new mom that I disagreed with. A lot of these women were just asking questions and if I felt that someone was looking for a more gentle perspective I would take them aside afterward and direct them to the forums here. I took a lot of moms aside in those 6 months!

[HeliMom]

I'm usually the person to speak up and say not according to my research. I think it's very important to put facts straight especially for others who may be questioning their parenting choices, like all new parents do. I've found the best way to shake a faulty argument is to make a person explain themselves and provide facts to support that. Most often people just kinda repeat what they've heard without any research on their own. I am obsessed with research myself so I often ask if I can write down their references so i can look into it more. Not to be a jerk but to really give it a shot if i haven't heard this argument or to be able to mount a proper rebuttal if need be.

And if it's just a case of differing opinions and not fact, I usually will buffer opinions I disagree with "And many people also believe..."

I may not be the most popular with people who like to boss others around but I feel like I am doing myself and my daughter a service by being brave enough to handle the social consequences of fighting for my beliefs. 'Cause dang it it is difficult.

[laughymama]

I always pipe up with the correct information. I have a big mouth though. When it comes to old wives' tales, I just get so irritated that some are still floating around when they go against all common sense.

For example: I still had two family members freak out on me for raising my arms above my head during this pregnancy. One was convinced if I reached too high then labor would start early and the other spouted off the old "the cord will strangle the baby!" line.

I just can't keep my mouth shut. Sometimes I think I sound rude because I come back with such "enthusiasm" and I'm so adamant. I should probably work on my people skills in those types of situations.

[Norasmomma]

Depends on what it is, if it's an opinion thing or a safety issue. I said something when my niece in law put her son's bottle in the microwave, that there have been severe burns to children from that. I could go on constantly with many choices my ILs do, I tell them all how I feel about stuff, I'm looked at as the crazy hippie girl, but my kids are happy and not a bunch of TV and candy addicts, so we must be doing something right, at least in comparison to my ILs.

I like to prove most know-it alls wrong, but that's just because I'm kinda a know it all at times myself I have educated myself on many things and so I have a wealth of information regarding way too many things.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

So anyway, it's probably likely my thoughts on this are way off base with your own motivations.

No, not really. Your whole post was very insightful, actually. It's not something I consciously set out to do, but a lot of what you said rings true if I'm really honest with myself. I realized several years ago that I was a know-it-all who didn't really filter where and when I "set people straight," and I've worked pretty hard on toning it down. A good friend of mine even noticed that I've gotten better without my having said anything to her about my revelation!

I do feel those urges coming up around this woman, and was struggling with exactly what you mentioned: do I really want to help the other women (who are smart enough to figure things out for themselves), or do I just want to spar with the mouthy lady? It's totally the latter, so I'll continue keeping my trap shut.

[LemonPie]

It depends on the situation. Sometimes I just smile politely and try to change the subject. Sometimes I say, "This is what worked well for me. . ." Sometimes I correct them, but I try not to do that often because I usually think publicly correcting someone is just as obnoxious as spouting off unsolicited parenting advice. I really only do that if it involves big time safety things.