Any adult adoptees having their first baby?

[Laurski]

Hi All,

This is my first visit to these boards, so I'm not sure if this post is appropriate or not, but I thought I'd put it up anyway.

I'm from a slightly different part of the triad than many of you on here, I think; I was adopted in 1977, at 3 months, in a closed agency adoption--no real info about biomom or biodad, just a few little tidbits.

Anyway, I was wondering if any folks were on here who were adopted (whether closed or open adoption) who were having their first biobaby. I'm asking b/c I'm wondering what (if anything) you may be feeling about the particularity of your experience.

It kind of blows me away that I'm going to meet the first genetically-related person I've ever known in just a few months. (Not, of course, to diminish the bonds I have with my family--it's just a weird thought that I've been this disconnected piece of genetic material floating around in the universe, and now there will be someone else who shares half of those genes...just so...wow.)

So, long rambling post, but I was just wondering if anyone else on the board was in a similar position, and if so, what are your thoughts?

[Polliwog]

I'm not adopted but I saw a wonderful documentary with my transracial/cultural families group. I'm trying to think of it's name but it was interviews with children and spouses of people who had been adopted as children (as well as with the adoptees themselves.) I had never considered how being adopted will affect my kids future relationships with partners and their own children.

I'll see if I can come up with the title of the film.

[RedOakMomma]

Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your baby!

[Laurski]

Polliwog: That sounds like a really interesting documentary! If you remember the name, I'd love to know, so I can see if I can hunt it down!

ROM: Thanks!

[vbactivist]

Originally Posted by Polliwog

I'm not adopted but I saw a wonderful documentary with my transracial/cultural families group. I'm trying to think of it's name but it was interviews with children and spouses of people who had been adopted as children (as well as with the adoptees themselves.) I had never considered how being adopted will affect my kids future relationships with partners and their own children.

I'll see if I can come up with the title of the film.

was it operation babylift?

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by vbactivist

was it operation babylift?

I'm still searching for the title, but I know that's not it.

[Lollybrat]

I'm an adult adoptee who had my first (and only so far) baby almost six years ago, but I can relate to what you are saying.

I was adopted as an infant in a closed adoption in the early 1970s. I had very little (really next to none) information about my birthfamily and this always made me feel like a big hole was missing from my identity. My adoptive parents are wonderful and I have a very close relationship with them. They have always been very understanding of my need to learn about my birth family and supported my decision to search for my birthparents when I was in my mid-20s.

I met my birthmother once, but the reunion was too emotionally overwhelming for her and she cut off all contact with my afterwards. It was very difficult for me, but I understand how she feels. That was before I was married and had a child, so she doesn't know my DH or DS. My birthfather passed away before I even knew his full name. I do have some of his family history. I have been able to get my court records and my birthfather's military records. These things have helped me understand my history. Recently, I've been able to search out family history on the internet and learn about some other relatives on both sides.

So although I have met my birthmother, my son is really the only genetically-related person I have in my life. I find that relationship astonishing. Knowing that he grew inside me and came out of me just amazes me. For the most part, I see a lot more of DH in him than me. But then every so often I see little things that I know he got from me and that really blows my mind.

Here's the really hard part for me: My son has some special needs. He had a cystic hygroma in the womb. He always has had a lot of developmental issues and just after he turned 3 he was officially diagnosed with autism. (I don't want to get into a debate about what causes autism, but in my son's case we do know that he was born with it.) I have since learned that there is some incidence of autism spectrum disorders in my birthfather's family. DS also has a form of albinism, although we do not yet know which type. This is a genetic disorder that causes reduced or no pigment in the skin, hair, and eyes. Due to this condition, DS has a mild visual impairment. Different forms of albinism are inherited differently: some are autosomal recessive (inherited from both parents) and others are X-linked (inherited from the mother only). We are undergoing genetic testing and hope to learn more about this condition.

When I was young and I thougt about having kids, one of my big fears was passing something terrible onto my kids, since I didn't know what lurked in my genes. And I passed not just one, but two genetic conditions onto my child. I feel a lot of "genetic guilt" about that. I mean, I know intellectually that it isn't my fault, but it still makes me feel terrible at times.

But my son is doing very well. He is an amazing little guy, with some incredible gifts. He is the joy of our lives. DS doesn't let his conditions limit him and neither do we. We take each challenge as they come and do our best.

This is an amazing, magical time for you. Enjoy every minute of it! Feel free to PM me if you want to "talk".

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Laurski

Polliwog: That sounds like a really interesting documentary! If you remember the name, I'd love to know, so I can see if I can hunt it down!

ROM: Thanks!

Ok, I found it. It's called Roots:Unknown. Here's a link to more information: http://www.zarahphillips.com/film.shtml. You can also see the film's trailer.

[hillymum]

My children are now 10, 9 and 5. I know basic information about my birth family including the fact that I am one of three girls (so it's funny to me that I have 3 boys). Mybe the fact that they are my only bio relatives makes my bond with them extra strong. It's really made me think about why I never felt a true bond between my adopted parents and myself. if anything it's confirmed in my heart that if you have bio children you shouldn't then adopt (which is what my adopted parents did.).

I have found I really resent my ands family pointing out family traits in my children as I know I can not do that and never will be able to. My husband understands the emotional side of that but feels I should be able to ignore it now.

I know I am a biy emotionally stunted/damaged, but I can not imagine loving anyone as much as I love my children. It's a solid feeling thats there in my che st. It glows with warmth all the time!

[miche28]

Well, babies are 3 and 6 now, but I was also adopted in a closed adoption in the 1970s.

There were some things that came up after my kids were born - like for the first time ever, I'd see a particular facial expression of mine in them and find myself surprised. I also felt a real sadness for my mom, who is an awesome grandma, but she missed out on some things like breastfeeding and pregnancy and I wish so much that we could share that.

One thing that did surprise me too was that I expected very much to feel a greater connection to my bio-mom or want to meet her (the reunion piece of this is complicated, I won't bore you). But you know, I really didn't - it was much more focussed on the sadness I felt for my mom and the realization that this whole mothering thing is not something to foist on the unwilling/unable. Maybe more gratitude that she knew herself enough not to parent me, knowing now how tough it really can be? But much more about my mom and our relationship.

And now, of course, we're coming around to completing our family through adoption - so I'm sure there are more surprises ahead too.

Be honest with yourself and your partner about what you're feeling (even if you can't be with anyone else) - don't let others expectations and beliefs take over your experience. It's your story .

wishing you a healthy pregnancy and joyful road to mothering your baby!

[Tigerchild]

My kids are 8, 6, and 6...I've found that having biological children profoundly affected my feelings towards my birth family.

My adoptive parents...shouldn't have been able to adopt. I grew up with a mentally ill mother and a dad who looked the other way. Oddly, this made me very NOT interested in searching for birthfamily, because honestly, if people who went through some degree of trouble and expense to get me were a crazy-ass family, the last thing I wanted as a kid or a young adult was yet more of Teh Crazy, if that makes sense. Plus, if there's one thing I can thank my mom for, it's that she didn't really allow me to have much idealism for a birthfamily that would swoop in and rescue me.

It does feel weird to have birth relatives. Yes, I do understand annoyance when my adoptive family "claims" certain traits--though for me that is complicated by territorialness because my nuclear family was so sick. I was shocked at how much grief and betrayal I had (and have) to work through, both as an adoptee and as someone who was abused. Many times it feels like a triple betrayal. Birthmom didn't want me, so some agency gave me to someone who was supposed to, and they really really didn't want me (or weren't capable of expressing it). I'm a pretty rational and pragmatic person, but I had some really primal feelings awakened, and it was a little scary until I let myself feel them and get them out.

The one thing that has remained, for me, is a longing for contact with my birthmother that I NEVER felt growing up. Never. Better the devil you know than the one you don't, right? But now...I wish that I could ask her some questions, see her face, know if I had/have siblings, see what they look like, feel a "real" connection to my biracial heritage (right now it feels like a fraud, I mean you can tell a little by looking at me, but my entire extended family and inlaws are white people)...but at the same time I feel paralyzed to act on that and search because I know a rejection would just kill me. And it's not really fair to search if you're not capable of handling ANY reaction that may come from the found party. IMO. So I don't, oddly I think having the door slammed in my face by some woman I never really knew would hurt more than the last 35 years I've spent with my adoptive parents.

But anyway, welcome to the boards! Don't be shocked/offended if this is moved to some place like Personal Growth (I felt rejected when that happened to me, ages ago). This isn't an adoptee board or an adoption board per se--but an adoptive and foster parenting board. There is a bit of a grey area, but adoptee parenting (parenting by adoptees) threads do tend to get moved. Just warning you, so you know it's not personal!

[Hokulele]

I love this post! I am not adopted myself, but my brother was adopted from Korea 24 years ago (the rest of us are white). Now all our siblings except him has had kids. There are lots of conversations about who looks like who etc. I *always* wonder how he feels about all that.

I can't wait until my brother has his own children. It will be exciting to meet some little person who is genetically related to him.

He and I are close and we have talked a lot over the years about his adoption and our differences in race etc. But parenthood is still far away in his future so this aspect is something he says he hasn't yet really thought about. Meanwhile, I think about it all the time for him!!

Congrats on your little one on the way! SO exciting!!!

[tiffani]

I really hope this thread doesn't get moved! It is vitally important to those of us who are (or will soon be) parenting adopted children to listen to the voices of adoptees. We will still be parenting our children when they reach childbearing age, and that can be an incredibly difficult time for many adoptees -- we all need this conversation!!

I have a friend who has a sister who was adopted transracially in the late 60's, and she has had an incredibly difficult time, particularly with the births of her own children and those of my friend (her sister). She has always struggled with addiction, and each time my friend has given birth, her sister has spun out of control. Their family was and is so loving and giving and wonderful, but their dad left when they were young (abandonment #2) and it was just a hard time to be a transracial adoptee -- being black in their all-white town was rough, and it was the era of color-blindness and also adoption-blindness -- they NEVER acknowledged or discussed either race or adoption, and to this day my friend and her sister both freak out if anyone questions their sisterhood. Like, intense sadness (tears, even) and a whole day ruined because an acquaintance said "no you're not..." (in a "you're pulling my leg" way) when my friend introduced her as her sister. Sorry to go on and on about them, but I have learned so much from their family, and so much about raising kids who are adopted and a different race, and my heart goes out to adoptees who struggle when they start their own families...

I also wanted to add that the closeness one feels with their parents often has a lot more to do with parenting and personalities and a myriad of other issues -- whether a child is adopted or not is not the biggest factor, I don't think. Think about people in your life who you are not related to, who you feel really close with -- many times far closer than you do with your flesh and blood family. I think it must be hard for adoptees to understand that, because you don't necessarily HAVE any flesh and blood family to compare your feelings to. Many people don't feel terribly close with their biologically related parents either, especially since "closeness" wasn't a very valued part of raising kids in the 70's and 80's. I don't yet have my adopted kids home yet, and I know it will take time, but I know, with 100% certainty, that I will sometimes feel very close with them, and sometimes not as much, just like with my bio kids. Relationships of all kinds are work, and we have to work to connect with our kids, no matter how they come into our family. I'm sure you have to work a little (or a lot, depending on a lot of things) harder with adopted kids, but most all adoptive families with bio and adopted kids love and treasure them all equally... or, you know, equally and differently, as we do with all our kids. I have far more intense emotions with my difficult son than I do with my easy daughter -- the hard times elevate the good times to be that much better, and his personality is just more intense in every way, so my feelings for him are more intense than they are with my very easy-going daughter. I would hate for parents of bio and adopted kids to think that a difference in feelings for their kids is necessarily adoption-related, when it's common for people to connect differently, regardless of their relationship to each other.

In any case, congratulations on your pregnancy, and thank you for starting this thread!

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by tiffani

I also wanted to add that the closeness one feels with their parents often has a lot more to do with parenting and personalities and a myriad of other issues -- whether a child is adopted or not is not the biggest factor, I don't think.

I disagree. I know it's probably more comforting to be able to point the finger at it "just" a personality or parenting thing, but in my experience and observation the truth is far far more complicated.

That is one of the painful lessons that I and many other adoptees that I know have learned in having biological children--pretty much no matter where you are on the spectrum of feelings, your feelings will probably ebb and flow over time, and at critical life events (like having your first child) It's complicated. I think it does everyone a disservice to pretend that adoption doesn't have a big impact on how we parent or our personalities, which is what separating them out, as if they were not impacted by the adoption, seems to be doing. For good or ill, it intrinsically does change who we are--which often does impact parenting and personality and a myriad of other things. IMO.

I think an adoptee cannot separate the experience of adoption from themselves. Neither can a birthparent. Or an adoptive parent. We can all probably pretend or minimize it, but when has any important, life changing event NOT changed who you were? It doesn't mean that ALL adoptees/birthparents/adoptive parents have a shared experience, because they don't. But the thought that any of us came away from adoption with minimal impact whatsoever seems rather cold and detatched to me. It might change people in innumerably positive ways as well. But that's the thing. You can't take the positive things and then tell people who had negative things happen "Oh, well, that wasn't because of *adoption*." Nobody knows that, either way.

It's not considered scary to imply that birthing a child is a profound change in your life. Not sure why people seem bound and determined to cheapen and minimize adoption and its impacts on everyone in the triad. To me, that experience is profound. Profound does not mean bad.

But certainly, my inner life, my identity, and who I am affects my personality and my parenting. Some part of that WAS shaped by my personal experience of adoption, as well as my experience of my parents' experience. And obviously, I wouldn't have had ANY of my post-adoptive experiences, if my birthmother had not decided to sign those papers--so I am affected by at least one aspect of her experience as well.

[burg]

Originally Posted by Laurski

It kind of blows me away that I'm going to meet the first genetically-related person I've ever known in just a few months. (Not, of course, to diminish the bonds I have with my family--it's just a weird thought that I've been this disconnected piece of genetic material floating around in the universe, and now there will be someone else who shares half of those genes...just so...wow.)

This is exactly how I feel! Wow, in 9 months I could have not only my first child but will be building a relationship with a RELATIVE. Wow. I also look forward to having that mother/child bond that I didn't experience as a child.

Thanks for posting this question, I look forward to reading other perspectives. Congrats on your pregnancy!

[tiffani]

Tigerchild, I'm not at all minimizing it, or dismissing it, or even saying that adoption isn't a factor in parent/child relations, but what I am saying, is that it is only ONE factor, among many, that will shape the relationship between the parents and child. It's huge, obviously, but doesn't have to be a negative factor.

My mother's mother died giving birth to my mom, and she was given to her mother's sisters to raise. When she was 4, her father and his new wife took her back. My mom is an amazingly wonderfully sweet woman, but I think/know she has a hard time with attachment. We get along beautifully, but we are not *close*. When I had kids, I was amazed at how strongly I felt towards them, and even wrote her a letter saying "I finally understand how you feel about me"... but I honestly cringe now, knowing that she never felt about me the way I feel about my kids, because she keeps everyone at a bit of a distance, and I highly doubt she ever let herself really fall in love with her babies like mamas today are encouraged to do, and like what comes naturally to most mothers. Part of it was her past experiences, part of it was just the way that people parented then, but I am of her flesh and blood, and I often feel like she couldn't give a damn about our relationship. It hurts me to say that, but it's true. I am sure that if I talked to her about this, she would be very surprised, but I have tried to get closer to her and can't, she just doesn't want to, or is unable to. I would say that her experience is similar to what a lot of adoptees must feel, though she is totally in denial that any of this ever affected her. at least she won't talk about it with me...
So what I'm saying is, she gave birth to me, and we have a distant relationship. Lots of kids who are not adopted have insecure attachments, and lots of kids who are adopted have secure attachments, and my only point is that while yes, adoption is a profound, life-altering "event" that will always affect everyone in the triad, it's not the only factor.
I think I am mostly arguing against the point that was made that a person shouldn't have bio AND adopted kids, because the relationships will automatically be different. I strongly disagree with that (obviously, as we're preparing to do just that) and will just duck out now, I've said all I need to say (a few times ) and let adoptees resume discussing starting their own families, whether by birth or adoption. sorry for the digression!

[lauren]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

But anyway, welcome to the boards! Don't be shocked/offended if this is moved to some place like Personal Growth (I felt rejected when that happened to me, ages ago). This isn't an adoptee board or an adoption board per se--but an adoptive and foster parenting board. There is a bit of a grey area, but adoptee parenting (parenting by adoptees) threads do tend to get moved. Just warning you, so you know it's not personal!

Thanks Tigerchild for giving the OP a little warning. I feel like a heel stepping in a moving this thread but move it I must. We are going to Personal Growth. It is not that MDC does not value the voice of the adult adoptee. A decision was made several years ago that this forum would host parenting concerns as it is a subforum of the parenting forum. Everyone from Adoptive/Foster Parenting can feel free to continue sharing in that forum. Thanks for your understanding.

[Lollybrat]

Originally Posted by tiffani

Tigerchild, I'm not at all minimizing it, or dismissing it, or even saying that adoption isn't a factor in parent/child relations, but what I am saying, is that it is only ONE factor, among many, that will shape the relationship between the parents and child. It's huge, obviously, but doesn't have to be a negative factor.

<snip>

So what I'm saying is, she gave birth to me, and we have a distant relationship. Lots of kids who are not adopted have insecure attachments, and lots of kids who are adopted have secure attachments, and my only point is that while yes, adoption is a profound, life-altering "event" that will always affect everyone in the triad, it's not the only factor.
I think I am mostly arguing against the point that was made that a person shouldn't have bio AND adopted kids, because the relationships will automatically be different. I strongly disagree with that (obviously, as we're preparing to do just that) and will just duck out now, I've said all I need to say (a few times ) and let adoptees resume discussing starting their own families, whether by birth or adoption. sorry for the digression!

Tiffani, I know you said you don't plan to continue this conversation, but I think it is relative to the topic of the thread. Additionally, it is obvious that you are sincerely interested in understanding the prespective of adult adoptees. However, I feel like you are missing some important points.

Of course there is more to the parent-child relationship than adoption. Of course there are other factors involved. And of course bonding and attachment in between the adoptive parent and child is needs to be carefully nurtured. But how those bonds develop is only one aspect, one issue, that makes adoptive families different from biological families.

Adoptees can have very strong attachments with their adoptive parents and still have difficulties related to adoption. As I said previously, I have very close, strong relationships with both of my adoptive parents as well as my extended family. Even so, I still struggled with identify and self-esteem issues for much of my life.

For me, strong attachment and bonding with my adoptive parents could not erase the pain and sadness I felt due to the loss of my birthfamily. I felt this loss deeply, despite the fact that I was adopted as an infant. This loss was compounded by the lack of any information about my birthfamily. My parents understood this and knew that none of this loss was their fault, it was a consequence of how adoptions were handled in many cases at that time. They knew that my pain and sadness over this was not a failure int he parent-child bond. On the contrary, they recognized that my ability to discuss these feelings and needs with them was actually a sign of how strong and close our relationship is.

When my son was born, I also was amazed by the strength and intensity of my feelings for him. I knew that my birthmother was never given the chance to hold me after my birth and that she had watched me through the nursery window. I wondered what she felt during that time. I wondered if my birthmother could have felt towards me the way I felt towads my son and she gave me up anyway. I wondered if my little newborn self had somehow failed to inspire these maternal feelings in her. I wondered if her choices somehow made me less worthy to be a mother. None of these things were about my bond with my adoptive parents, but they were about being adopted.

My point is that adoption is a huge factor in parent-child relationships, but not only because of attachment issues. You can't expect a strong parent-child bond to erase the losses the child has already experienced. Those losses last for a lifetime.

[RedOakMomma]

Thanks for explaining that so well, Lolly.

[Laurski]

This hasn't appeared yet on the Personal Growth forum, so I thought I'd respond here. (I hope that's ok!)

First of all, thank you all for your perspectives! I have absolutely valued reading each and every one of your points regarding the experiences you've had as an adult adoptee of biological children, or as an adoptive parent with biological and adopted children.

Reading the experiences of those of us who were adopted in the "adoption-blind" era of the 1960s/70s, I do wonder if the experiences of adoptees adopted more recently (esp. the 1990s/2000s), especially regarding their relationships with their parents vis-a-vis adoption and their adult experiences of mothering, will be different from some of the experiences some of us seem to be struggling with as adult adoptees today, given the current desire and willingness to discuss adoption, warts and all, more honestly and openly. (Whew...holy convoluted sentence, Batman!)

Lolly: I particularly like the point you make that "Adoptees can have very strong attachments with their adoptive parents and still have difficulties related to adoption." I absolutely agree. I have very strong attachments with my adoptive parents (and especially my younger sister, who is their biological "surprise!" daughter), but at the same time, I do have some difficulties related to adoption. However, in my case, those difficulties come from being able to talk openly and honestly about my feelings (especially if they fall on the "negative" spectrum, such as feeling confused, or anxious, or anything of that nature) about being an adoptee. My parents, especially my mother, ascribes to an "everything is happy and peachy" approach when it comes to my adoption, so to bring up anything that is less than all "happy happy joy joy" she views as threatening and a criticism of her as a mother. However, that has more to do with her as a fairly self-centered person, rather than any actual criticisms I have of her. (But I digress...)

Anyway, I again appreciate all of your thoughtful discussions about this topic, and your congratulations about the birth of my first known biological relative! I hope we can continue this conversation when it appears on the Personal Growth forum.