Single moms of three or more

[honey-lilac]

Hi there,

I'm sorry to be starting so many threads lately!

Most of the topics I've seen so far (or maybe not, but that's the impression I got) are single moms of one or two kids - are there moms of many kids on here? It's freaking me out that I'm going to have three kids under the age of four in my house that I'm solely responsible for. Freaking. Out. My two older ones, heck, just ONE of them if I take one out alone, I always get laughs and stares and comments about "boy, you sure have your hands full" - they are nonstop, go-go-go, scream-scream-yell-laugh etc. Happy and cheerful but insane levels of energy. And now... THREE?

Panic. Panic.

I can baby sling all I want but I'm dreading the thought of going out with three. I slightly panic at the thought of going out with just the two I have now. Wish they had grocery delivery in my neighborhood.

[mumblemama]

Several of us here, yes. I have three. They are all 6yrs and younger, and were all 4yrs and younger when my ex and I split. I had them about 80% or more then (we now do 50/50 split...) and yes, it was hard (and still is), but you figure it out. And it gets easier.

I don't have the luxury of letting my kids do whatever they want. I have explicit rules I had to put in place when this began. We go to the store, you sit here, you sit there, you walk and hold onto here, and if anyone complains about it, fusses, or ignores my request we leave immediately. So in a lot of ways I had to become more "no nonsense" about certain things, because how the heck else would it happen? And it wasn't fun and games, but nowadays, they know what's expected and it just happens (most of the time).

I don't think this is exclusive to 3 or more kids, but when you are outnumbered by kids at all, I think the best thing I learned was just to let go a lot more while having certain things I will absolutely NOT discuss because they are rules (of personal survival!). The apartment is gonna be messy, kids are gonna fight, as long as nobody is hurting one another I feel like I did pretty darn good.

[bdavis337]

I've got three boys, one of which has some special needs. I'm already overwhelmed parenting them even while he's still physically here!

[szuletik]

Hey,

I'm a divorced mom of 4, all under 8 years old (three boys and a girl). My ex left when my youngest was 6 mo. old. I had been attachment parenting, co-sleeping, tandem nursing, put my whole education/work life on hold. I was stunned. I barely remember that first year he was gone. Despite the fact that the marriage had been *horrible*, I was incapacitated for such a long time after he left, and yes, I panicked... lost 20 lbs and gained a whole lot of ulcers, literally.

My best advice to newly divorced mums is to just SURROUND yourself with as many loving people as you can, and also find a way, baby in sling if necessary, to get a little counseling from someone competent (even if just one or two sessions...). Make peace with your situation for the long haul. Figure out what your financial/custody situation is going to be as soon as possible and plan from there...

It sounds as if this is just your situation and not necessarily a divorce, and in that case, I imagine you have all the structures in place to keep you sane and healthy, and take care of business at the same time... I'd say you're probably doing better than you know. You're right, the sling is KEY, and so is delegating. Make sure you have people who can watch the kiddos while you sleep, help with food and at least, entertaining them while you recover from childbirth. Family? great. No family or friends available? Make sure you have great sitters around and tip well. Keep them happy and they'll stick around.

Good luck!

steph (mom of four, grad student in teacher education)

[justmama]

I am a single mom to 3. They are more widely spaced than yours(9, 5, and 2) but nevertheless, 3 of them. I get a lot of those "hands full" comments when I take them out places. My exhusband has not been in the household since I was pregnant with the littlest one and while he's supportive and involved and does his part and then some, it is hard being the sole provider for 3 people. There are times when it's overwhelming.
One is asthmatic and up until the last few months was in the ER every other week(literally) with pneumonia or bronchial infections and one has ADHD and instead of acting like an almost 10 year old, she is about the maturity of the 5 year old, sometimes "worse."(ie, lack of self-control, lashes out physically when angry while the 5 year old has more self-control than that, runs out into the street without looking, etc). So it's not easy and in times of stress like illnesses or such, it would be really super cool to have another adult in the home to tag-team the kids, ya know? Wrangle one or two in the bath while the other assists with homework or lays out jammies. Calm screaming puke-covered 2 year old while the other strips and remakes the bed at 2am so as not to wake the other two who have school in the morning. Drive wheezing, blue toddler to the ER for breathing treatments at 1 or 2am while the other stays home iwth the other sleeping children so you don't have to wake them and drive them somewhere else to sleep and pick them up hours later to drive them home again to get ready for school even though you just did that 2 weeks ago with the last bout of pneumonia. But we make do with what we are given. Everyone makes it to bed with the least amt of bloodshed possible. And mama relaxes on the couch with a twisted tea and her knitting because she's just done the impossible that day.

[justmama]

oh and I don't know if this helps but my ex and i separated when i was 4 months pregnant with the youngest. she was born 2 months premature. i literally did not leave my home but for the necessities(you know, you are offering your children ketchup sandwiches or stale bread and water for dinner because there's no food left?) for almost 3 months after her birth. it was too hectic. i remember that feeling of being completely and utterly outnumbered. i dont 'want to scare you but i freaked because it was harder than going from 1 to 2 children. going from 2 to 3 is mind-blowing. you have no more hands and you have to rely on one of them to hold your pocket or hold her sister's hand or touch the car whiel you open doors. And yeah, that usually falls to the oldest but my oldest is ADHD and likely to stand in a parking lot watching the frickin clouds float by and get hit by a bus or get left behind because she's playing with her shoelaces or something. So stock up on necessities because you may be stuck at home for a while until you get the hang of things. I considered myself a reasonably independent and competent and sane mom until #3 arrived. I no longer view myself as any of those things.

[swellmomma]

I am a single mom of 4, 2 have confirmed special needs, 1 is on the wait list for assessment and one is as normal as any 2 yr old can be. The key to having a large family regardless of marital status is to be organized. If it is not on th calendar it is not happening. all 4 kids have extracurriculars through out the week, I will never rememebr who has to be where and what to bring if it wasn't written down. I plan everything, there is no drop every thing and head to zoo just because, while that may have been possible with 1-2 kids, with 4 we need to plan ahead or I forget something or someone.

My kids are spaced differently than yours, 2 back to back that are 10 & 11 now, then 6 and 2, but with the oldest 2 have special needs it does make things very challenging rather than easier kwim. I have found over the last couple years, parenting 4 is easy, homeschooling 4 with usch big gaps in development is way harder

[Labbemama]

(hugs) I've got 3, all with special needs . They are older but I stayed in a bad situation a long time and so that and their ages kind of make things more difficult as they are teens but not acting their chronological ages.

We moved and we lost a lost of my support network due to cut-offs for our safety and distance.

It would be tough to go to the store. I think I would try getting a sitter and making one big trip a month. It seems like that is what I used to do when my kids were small.

Lately, I've been going with my sister just to watch her 1 1/2 year old while she tries on clothes.

[Rainbow2911]

When I became a single mum I had a 4 yo, a 2 yo and was pregnant. And I was terrified - had no idea how I could ever possible cope with them all! But for me it has worked out great.
The practical details of herding 3 kids on outings comes with practice. I found the transition from 2-3 to be much easier than 0-1 or 1-2 kids. The little guy just fitted right in. And after the strain of a bad relationship, single parenting was a relief.
Not to say we haven't had our moments! The sleep deprivation in the first year was quite tough to cope with and on days when they are all acting like little terrorists my head does come close to exploding. But you find ways of coping. I have a little list of treats that I can give myself for getting through the bad days with every one alive. In the beginning when 30 seconds was all I could grab for myself, it was a square of chocolate, eaten outside with the door closed so I wasn't disturbed (obviously with all small people safely coraled). Now they are all sleeping through mostly, it might be a glass of wine in the bath. But the important thing is that I have a list and when I feel bad I do something small for myself.
Shopping has been a challenge with three kids and no car! I do take advantage of any passing family members to sit with the kids while I shop which is more relaxing! I also resort to bribery with kids who are old enough to understand that if they behave they can get a treat at the end. Trolleys with two child seats + a baby sling can make things much easier.

I hope that it all goes well for you.

[ArtsyMomma]

Originally Posted by mumblemama

Several of us here, yes. I have three. They are all 6yrs and younger, and were all 4yrs and younger when my ex and I split. I had them about 80% or more then (we now do 50/50 split...) and yes, it was hard (and still is), but you figure it out. And it gets easier.

I don't have the luxury of letting my kids do whatever they want. I have explicit rules I had to put in place when this began. We go to the store, you sit here, you sit there, you walk and hold onto here, and if anyone complains about it, fusses, or ignores my request we leave immediately. So in a lot of ways I had to become more "no nonsense" about certain things, because how the heck else would it happen? And it wasn't fun and games, but nowadays, they know what's expected and it just happens (most of the time).

I don't think this is exclusive to 3 or more kids, but when you are outnumbered by kids at all, I think the best thing I learned was just to let go a lot more while having certain things I will absolutely NOT discuss because they are rules (of personal survival!). The apartment is gonna be messy, kids are gonna fight, as long as nobody is hurting one another I feel like I did pretty darn good.

I was a single mama of 3 - all under 5 at the time. DP and I just had #4 - we don't live together and I still consider myself a single mama.

Mumblemama, I'm the exact same way. I'm incredibly strict about my childrens behavior in public. Not because I'm a naturally strict parent, but because it is the way it has to be. My kids can not be out of control in a parking lot, or the grocery store. I have to be able to get the shopping done, leaving isn't an option most of the time. If I didn't NEED to be at the store, I wouldn't. If I don't get the groceries, no one else is going to, and I don't usually have the option of dropping the kids off or hiring a sitter and going later.

We started as toddlers with the 'one hand rule'. In the parking lot, while I'm unbuckling the other kids, you must keep one hand on the car at all times. Then once in the store, my kids know they have to follow me and can't wander off unless they ask. My older two are quite adept at following directions and helping these days. I also talk to the kids about the behavior I expect while we are out on the way to where ever we are going. If I'm dropping #2 off at girl scouts, I'll let the kids know the situation..."#2 is going to girl scouts, we are dropping her off and then we are going to run to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner. "


About a year ago, I had a huge falling out with DP's brother and his wife. We were all at IKEA, and their son (an only child) was running around the store jumping on furniture. My children followed suit - even though behavior like that is expressly against our 'rules'. After asking my children to quiet down, behave etc...I eventually yelled, realized we couldn't keep shopping and left the store with the kids (they continued to shop for over an hour while we waited in the parking lot, we were visiting them). We have a line around here 'Just because other kids are misbehaving, doesn't make it ok for you do misbehave'. BIL, SIL, and MIL were very upset that I hold my kids to a higher standard of behavior - they always let nephew go nuts at IKEA (I might add, I originally thought the kids would have more fun in the play center, but SIL wouldn't let nephew go, so my kids came along while we shopped). BIL and SIL haven't spoken to me in over a year - despite the birth of #4 (their biological nephew). They think I was critical of their parenting. Which, I am not - I could care less what they do with their kid. The issue, was that the next time we go to the store - I NEED my children to behave. They have 2 sometimes 3 adults to control one child. I am one adult, with 3 children who I can't just leave at home to go grocery shopping. My children must behave.

My strictness in public has paid off - my children are polite to waitresses, they quickly order their food and say thank-you. They have good manners when people stop us to chat, they are able to wait in a line without having a breakdown, the older two help to make our shopping trips more efficient - IE: helping #3 out of his carseat while I get #4 in the sling.

[ArtsyMomma]

I thought I'd add....

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

I plan out everything. I keep a day planner (the paper kind, easier for me than an electronic version). I check it many times throughout the day. Today is Sunday - tomorrow is Monday - a school day. So tonight school work will be finished, bags packed, clothes laid out. It's a 'bath night' so the 3 older will all have baths, have their hair washed. Everyone will be in bed by 9 at the latest - I'll aim for 8 though. I have stuff to do tomorrow, so I'll make sure all my housework is done tonight, so I can come home to a clean house tomorrow.

I also know that tomorrow DP and I going to run errands, then clean at his house. So I have a backpack ready for #3 - who is going to grandmas for a few hours, a diaper bag packed for #4, my shopping/errand list is ready - planned out too! I know the order of the places we are going, for maximum efficiency.


Getting everything prepped the night before makes my days go much smoother.

[justmama]

Originally Posted by ArtsyMomma

My strictness in public has paid off - my children are polite to waitresses, they quickly order their food and say thank-you. They have good manners when people stop us to chat, they are able to wait in a line without having a breakdown, the older two help to make our shopping trips more efficient - IE: helping #3 out of his carseat while I get #4 in the sling.

Yes I think htis is key. I am a lot stricter than a lot of parents, especially here on MDC. I'm not MEAN, but I'm strict. And there's a reason for it. Otherwise they form a coup and overthrow my reign. There are 3 of them and one of me and once they realize that fact, it's over for me. I expect cooperation and respect and good behavior. And typically, they deliver. My littlest is a calm and mild-mannered sort anyway so that helps. My oldest has ADHD and very little self-control, and my middle has that "spirited" personality that parents struggle with and talk amongst themselves about trying not to kill. So it can be hard but with strict rules that everyone is aware of and consistent consequences and whatever disciplinary techniques you choose to utilize and a little creativity and planning, I think everything can work out. I expect my oldest to help out with things like unlocking the house door while I carry in groceries. I expect the middle child to unbuckle her baby sister from her carseat(I never trust her to buckle but she's asked to unbuckle) when we are in a hurry somewhere. I expect that when my hands are full with something, all three will hold hands in a store. When the baby was younger and in diapers, her sisters could both fasten a clean diaper on her if I absolutely could not turn away from making dinner. They put away clean dishes and take out the trash cans to the curb. The youngest feeds the cat and puts away her toys. They all clear their places at the dinner table. It's the little things. You cannot do it all on your own. You need help. And being that you and the small ones are the only family you've got, you need to help each other. My friends are always shocked that my 27month old is capable of carrying a glass dish to the sink and knowing to gently slide it in without breaking it. They are shocked to see my 5 year old lifting her 2 year old sister out of the car while I carry groceries. But to be honest, children in other developing countries as young as 4 and 5 sling their infant siblings and attend their needs during the day while the mothers make meals and clean house. Why should my child not help her baby sister when I cannot? We are a family, we all look after each other.

[ArtsyMomma]

Originally Posted by justmama

Yes I think htis is key. I am a lot stricter than a lot of parents, especially here on MDC. I'm not MEAN, but I'm strict. And there's a reason for it. Otherwise they form a coup and overthrow my reign. There are 3 of them and one of me and once they realize that fact, it's over for me. I expect cooperation and respect and good behavior. And typically, they deliver.

Yes, exactly. I have incredibly high expectations of my children, and generally they live up to them. They do remarkably well in school, their teachers are always surprised at their ability to communicate and their excellent behavior. I truely believe if you set high expectations, your children will try to meet them.

My kids do all the same type things - the older two know to hold the door for me, or watch their toddler brother climb the stairs while I carry the baby and the groceries. The older two help the toddler get dressed or change a diaper. They know to keep an eye on him if I need to take a shower. They know if they don't help out with the housework, we won't do anything fun because I won't have time to do fun things if I have to clean their bedroom. I am strict, like I imagine you are - but it's almost a different kind of strict - it's not negative, it's just a different mindset. We are a family, and everyone contributes to our family in whatever way they can. For a while, it was just me and the 3 older kids - 5yrs, 4 yrs and a newborn. It was very different when I was a SAHM with a husband who was home every day at 5. I did run all the errands etc with the little ones while ex was at work. We started a lot of our 'rules' early. IE: the 'one hand on the car' rule. But we are much more organized and efficient now. I simplified, decluttered and organized in a way that makes it easy for my kids to help. IE: low coat racks, kiddie plates and cups in a low drawer, snacks easily accessible, a well organized easy to clean bedroom, a well organized closet...I think I might be a bit OCD - it's a mentality I developed after my ex left, but I think it's really helped and made my life easier.

I'm pleased that my children will grow up to be self sufficient adults!! That is the ultimate goal isn't it? My ex had a SAHM who did everything for him. When we moved in together he couldn't wash the laundry and didn't realize that when the sink was full of dishes it was time to wash them. He straightened up quickly - but it was a big learning experience for him. My children will be prepared to be adults

[Seie]

I didn't read through everyone elses answers - so this is just my personal experience.
When I left my (abusive) ex my eldest 4, second was 2 and youngest was 1. I was terrified. Absolutely terrified of being a single mom of three. I stayed in a very unhealthy relationship for a long time because I was so scared of having to be alone with them. I remember one time my ex was taking a two week holiday to a spa to treat his chronic stress and I was horrified at the thought of having to be on my own for two weeks. But guess what. The second he was away everything was so much easier. When he returned I felt - drained of energy. Like he was away and I felt so happy and I could breathe so easily - and he got back and it felt like a heavy bag of sand on my shoulders.

Now two years into being a single mom I feel a lot wiser. I have my kids 11 out of 14 days - then three days with dad. So most of the time I have to make things happen. But you learn the tricks as you go. It's a spiral. Both in good and bad ways. If you get behind on sleep - be sure you WILL pay for it. If you fail to do a daily load of laundry - you WILL pay for it, forget to empty the dishwasher - you WILL pay for it. So you learn.. You will still be a good mother when you are single - only a different one. For me I know things that I thought was VERY importent when I was coupled - well not they seem really stupid and unimportant. My kids watch more tv now than before. But hey - they also spend MANY hours playing each day so it's no big deal. I have to work outside of home so they spend long days in daycare and school - so when they get home they are often so beat that they crash in front of the telly or computer. And it's ok. They are tired - they need to chill a bit. And I need time to cook dinner. Funny thing is that actually I spend more time with them now than I used to when I was with their dad. I really spend more one-on-one time with each of them. Listening to their thoughts and problems, sorting out conflicts etc. I demand more of them than most two-parent parents do, but I also get more in return. My kids are not spoiled. They know they are not center of the universe. They learn that stuff costs money and that you have a responsibility for your siblings and your friends. They learn to share and to show consideration of others. Much of that is because they have to. I don't know. When it gets down to the very essentials I guess my conclusion to having been a single mom of three small children for two years is that - yes - it is freaking hard. It is very demanding. But also very rewarding. And it is definately possible -and more than I had imagined. So don't despair. They are a lot of work, but remember that they are small creatures that will also fill your life with joy and laughter. Strength vibes in your direction..

[fairyannanicole]

I am a divorced single mother to 4 boys, ages 16, 10,8 and 4. My ex husband left us over 2 years ago for a women he meet on the internet, came home one day, told me he was leaving, and off he went. To be honest, he wasnt there much before the divorce so really it wasnt any different. He wa gone about 9 months total out of the year months on end with no explanation as to where he had been, and how dare I ask, he was s very abusive man. It went on like this for 11 years. I had already spent so many years paying the bills alone, raising the boys alone that it was actually a blessing when he finally decided to leave and not come back. So, I guess what I am saying is the transition for me wa a relief. Yes, it was still hard, especially since I had buried a child, I still have 4 living. He still doesnt help financially and is about $18,000 behind in child support. But, we make it. We do alright, we always did. The bolys have and have always had their mother. Yeah, for the first year when he was not in there lives at all, it was hard on them. It was hard on all of us. I had to fight myself every day to not let the boys hate him as much as I did. It took all my strength as a mother to encourage the boys about their father, even thought I wanted them to know the truth. Knowing the truth wouldnt have helped them, so I made excuses. They had never gone a year without seeing him before, he always came home after a month or two for at least a little while, my oldest boy was no dummy and helped as much as he could. Anyhow, I a rambling, but I will tell you this, your kids love you, and you shouldnt show them on a daily basis unhappiness. That is how it sounds in your relationship with your SO, it is hard, it only gets harder. I went through it completely alone, except my children, I really hope you have friends or family. BUT even if you dont, please dont let the fear of being alone make you spend the rest of your life in sadness and unhappiness, you WILL look back and regret it

[BedHead]

I have three, they're all older now and I am once again a single mom with them. They're 20, 18 and 16 and their stepdad and I are living apart right now. The first time around they were 4 mos, 2 yrs and 4 yrs when their dad and I split, and I was a single mom for about 5 years. It was really hard, and I had support from family. I was also lucky because middle ds was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and I had funding for babysitting services and such so that I could get errands done and whatnot. I had them full time as my ex never wanted to take them, and he eventually moved away. I was lucky to have (and still have) a wonderful boss who has never batted an eye in the 15 years I've worked for him when I've needed time off for kid related stuff.

[danaalex]

i have 5 kids, all 8 and under. however, our lives didn't really change at all after their dad moved out. he worked pretty much all the time, and wasn't really into "family time." the kids and i figured it all out as we went along, and after he left we just kept doing what we'd been doing.

i even enrolled the oldest two in dance and soccer this year. FIRST time ever, because i realized that if *I* didn't just suck it up and deal with all the driving and what not they would never get to do anything.

i do homeschool right now, and i would like to do it again next year ( but i have no idea if that will happen or not). i get money, it's not enough. but i'm figuring it out. the kids see their dad one night a week ( for about 2-2.5 hrs) and then every other weekend from fri at 6p til sun at about 1p.

our biggest issues are the things HE is telling them, and the fact that while he's extremely controlling of them and their behavior, he doesn't have them even pick up after themselves. it's hard because i do expect the older three to pick up after themselves. his controlling won't allow him to do that. heck, his own mom won't allow HIM to clean up after himself at her house either. and he's in his 30s!!!!

so, i guess trial and error. you figure out what works and what doesn't.

good luck, and HUGS momma!!!!!

[timbbey]

It worked out awesome for me and my 3 kids. Not perfect but so much happier. I explain it best like this: In our house I did it all, worked FT, picked up from day care, nursed a baby, made dinner, did homework, cleaned and got ready to do it all again. I did this while he hung outside in the garage with his friends or sat on the couch. THe whole time I was doing it I was seething with anger and resentment. I was worried the example it was showing for my kids. When he left, I still did it all but no longer had the resentment and was now proud of the example my kids were getting. I have traded for some financial worries, but alas, there will always be something.

[glorysmom]

Hi! Cheers and hugs to all the other mamas out there!
I am also a single mother of three ages 8,6, and 4. I have to say it definently has its challenges but its not so bad once you get used to it. It's been over two years now for me and at first it was very hard. I had a nursing baby and a three and five year old and I can totally relate with the panic feeling. But that subsides and you learn to make the best of the situation. You learn that there are actually advantages to being a single parent. I think the relationships with my kids are just getting deeper because all we have is each other. They learn to step up a little more because they have to. We learn to work as a team with the chores and with our choices. The bigger ones learn to help the smaller ones. I talk to them more about things because there is not another adult to talk to.
Yes I wish things would have worked out differently with their dad. I am sad sometimes that they miss out on seeing how a good parental relationship works and the everyday relating with their father. But I am so grateful to be with them, and we just do the best we can and that has to be good enough.
I have to agree with some of the other mamas about organization and being stricter in public places. I think that that just comes with having many kids though, partner or not. With lots of kids you have to maintain a level of control or they will quickly run over you in mass.
When we arrive we are the party. : )

[DTmama1]

I'm a newly single mom to 5 kids. Some days I'm confident and excited about all the possibilities ahead of us, some days I'm scared shitless. My ex and I will be sharing custody of our 5 year old biological daughter and I will be adopting the 4 kids we were planning to adopt together before we ended up getting divorced. They are 7,9, 11, and 12. All to some extent attachment disordered, the oldest girl I'm worried about RAD and am pretty sure she would be diagnosed with ODD, not that a label actually does any good. The oldest is Mildly Mentally Handicapped and likely the 7yo as well (but again, what's the real point in labels). Along with ADHD diagnoses previously on most of them.

I'm planning on moving cross country in about a year probably, once the adoption is finalized. I have some friends who have a sort of intentional community who are moving out there for grad school. I'd be able to stay at home and care for the kids (both mine and others) and would have somewhere to live with likeminded friends. Scary part is moving cross country when I've lived in the same county my whole life. I love the idea of it, I want to get out of this area, but am so spoiled by my support system here. Still over a year till then though, so who knows what will happen between now and then.