Going to Sleep without Help

[Blueone]

How old is a baby/toddler/etc. before they go to sleep alone without someone having to be right next to them?

My son is 9 months and if I'm not there he will not go to sleep. For example, last night I thought he was asleep because once I stopped patting his back he didn't want more and was still. So I got up to use the bathroom, peaked back in, and he was at the edge of his bed looking around and about to be active again.

My dad thinks I should just let him be, but from my past experience he'll just work himself up again, start playing, get fussy, and then I'll have to go back again anyways. It's so annoying though, really annoying. I sometimes wish he would go to sleep without help. But part of me is thinking it's too much to expect from a 9 month old.

[mrstanimal]

My son is almost 10 months, and is the same way. I don't foresee that changing anytime soon. I nurse him to sleep for all his naps, and he either sleeps in a wrap or in my arms. I also feel frustrated at times, but I try to remember it won't be like this forever and enjoy the closeness. Our society is so focused on babies being independent as fast as possible, whereas in other cultures, being attached to baby is the norm. Don't listen to others and follow your instincts. There is an AP group in my area, and whenever I'm feeling like I am at the end of my rope or hear the "shoulds" from pediatrian/my parents/etc, it helps to talk with other mamas who have the same struggles. Hang in there !!!

[Blueone]

Thank you! I don't know if there is an AP group in my area, I should look that up. I don't mind it for the most part. It does bug me though when I think he's asleep, step out, only to find out he's not and have to spend another 15 minutes when I'm hungry and am desperate for a break (currently parenting alone while my husband is deployed).

[Lula's Mom]

My ds is 7 months and I don't think it'll happen anytime soon. If he's awake, he wants to know where I am. It's normal!

With my first child, I was able to nurse her, and leave the room with her awake when she was about 18 months. She's 8 now and still a very agreeable person. On the other hand, my second is 5, and he's always been high-needs. He still needs us to sit nearby while he falls asleep. So I don't think there is any certain age- it depends on the child.

[Blueone]

My son is high needs so I don't think it'll happen anytime soon. He actually will make a complaining sound if I stop patting him telling me he wants me to continue. When he's really out he won't care too much.

I get so tired hearing that I need to teach him though and sometimes it makes me doubt myself. My husband always agreed with me though and thought it was strange that people taught babies how to sleep because it doesn't seem like something that needs to be taught.

[LadyCatherine185]

My 19 month old still needs a lot of help to get to sleep. Honestly, I have not heard of many babies, other than those who have been "trained" with CIO, who go to sleep on their own until much later.. like 3-4 years old.

[hakeber]

I think it totally depends on the kid and the day. My littlest one at 3 months will fall asleep on her own. I can put her down wide awake go attend to ds and when I come back she has drifted off (not saying this will last forever, but it csan happen) DS on the other hand still has stretches of night where he needs someone to lay with him and he is five yo.

Originally Posted by Blueone

How old is a baby/toddler/etc. before they go to sleep alone without someone having to be right next to them?

My son is 9 months and if I'm not there he will not go to sleep. For example, last night I thought he was asleep because once I stopped patting his back he didn't want more and was still. So I got up to use the bathroom, peaked back in, and he was at the edge of his bed looking around and about to be active again.

My dad thinks I should just let him be, but from my past experience he'll just work himself up again, start playing, get fussy, and then I'll have to go back again anyways. It's so annoying though, really annoying. I sometimes wish he would go to sleep without help. But part of me is thinking it's too much to expect from a 9 month old.

This is ONLY my opinion, you can tell me to stuff it, but I would not leap to the conclusion that he inevitably WILL work himself back up and you WILL have to go back in again later. How can you know for sure? I would let him be alone and wait and see. Sometimes DS gets bouncy and needs me to come back to start over. Sometimes he just needs to move a wee bit more and then he drifts off, but if I go in either way I am back to square one.

My rule of thumb is unless they call out for you they are fine on their own.

It could be the first steps towards putting himself to sleep. It was for us.

[BetsyS]

My oldest nursed to sleep until he was over a year old. After that, he nursed before bed, but not to sleep, until he weaned. But, around 12-13 months, I could start laying him down sleepy, and he'd go to sleep. He really likes sleep, though, and if he's in a place that says "sleep" to him (which, to him, still, at 3.5, is only the carseat or his bed), then he'll go to sleep easily, sometimes while in the middle of a sentence.

My younger son never nursed to sleep, and he's always been the type to fall asleep alone. Just his personality.

Recently, we tried to have them share a room, and the little one would NOT sleep for a long time with anyone in the room. One night, he laid still in his bed for 3 hours before he slept because there was another body in his room.

So, the falling asleep alone isn't all it's cracked up to be.

[Blueone]

Originally Posted by hakeber

I
This is ONLY my opinion, you can tell me to stuff it, but I would not leap to the conclusion that he inevitably WILL work himself back up and you WILL have to go back in again later. How can you know for sure? I would let him be alone and wait and see. Sometimes DS gets bouncy and needs me to come back to start over. Sometimes he just needs to move a wee bit more and then he drifts off, but if I go in either way I am back to square one.

My rule of thumb is unless they call out for you they are fine on their own.

It could be the first steps towards putting himself to sleep. It was for us.

I'm glad it works for you! I've had experience where I've tried to just let him be and leave every time he works himself up looking for me. I suppose I should try again, I am a bit pessimistic on it because it's failed so many times. I know he's a high needs baby too and if anyone else but me tries to put him to sleep he throws a massive fit to the point to where he's hiccup sobbing.

The only time I can leave is if he's almost asleep and Enya is playing. I am working on leaving sooner very slowly thugh.

[hakeber]

Can you hang out outside his room and at the very first sign of distress go ahead in and let him know you are there? Maybe read a book in the hall?

This was one of the things I had to start doing with ds. DH and I would lay him down and then have a picnic in the hall and play cards, and take turns patting his back and sneaking out and then going back. Sometimes we had to leave the room and keep coming back, just to pat his back and tell him it's time for sleep over and over and over until he gets it that it's bed time and he's not getting up again.

Once he got older (closer to two) I was able to say things like "Mommy's here, sleep time." or "Mommy no play. Mommy lay with you to sleep, or mommy go. If Ben is playing, Mommy go. When Ben done playing Mommy stay."

But as I said he still needs me to lay with him to rest sometimes ( about 15% nof the time -- which is why we have two twin beds in his room) because he just needs it, and I lay in his room and remind him to lay quietly or I will go, and that I am very near, and nothing bad can hapen, etc etc. Sometimes it takes ten minutes for him to be snoring, sometimes it takes forty-five minutes or an hour.

But we had to keep trying to let him hang out alone...he probably didn't put himself to sleep though until he was closer to a year and consistently (75% of the time I'd say) not until he was over three.

I absolutely understand how frustrating it is. As they get older they do need less of you at bedtime.

Last week DS came to me at 7:45 and said "I'm tired, I'm going to bed." and off he went. Leaving me flabbergasted and I seriously thought he was joking. Ten minutes later I went to check on him and he was under the covers, naked (it's hot here we usually sleep naked), and sound asleep. Then last night he had such a hard time drifting off he eventually asked to come back to our bed to cuddle.

[Bokonon]

9 months was really, really bad in my house, and I've read over and over again that it's totally normal at that age.

The good news is that DD has STTN the past 2 nights, all of a sudden, and with no guidance from us! She's 10 months adjusted age, and we were shocked when Tuesday night, she slept from 8:30pm-4:30am, then went back to sleep until 7 after nursing, then last night was 7:30pm-5am! Then she nursed and slept until 8!

Getting her to sleep is still an ordeal, but at least she's not waking 6 times a night!

That said, my almost-5 year old still needs help getting to sleep. We don't have to stay with him until he falls asleep, but he "needs" to have a couple of stories read to him and hugs and kisses before we leave his room, before he can fall asleep.

[phathui5]

What part of New York are you in? There are LLL groups, an AP group and a Holistic Moms group in my area.

It really helps to hang out with like-minded people sometimes.

[MaddieMay]

Are you putting him to sleep when you first notice he's tired? The reason I ask your post totally describes my son up until about a week or so ago. I happened to be reading a book that talked about the signs of sleepiness and it occurred to me that I was waiting too long to put him to bed. As in, I was waiting until he was exhausted. Now at the first sign of being tired, he goes to bed. He goes to sleep on his own without fussing a lot now! Once in awhile he'll fuss a "I'm uncomfortable" cry (more of a whine) for a minute or so, but rarely do we have a night now where he's wound up. If he is having a meltdown, then of course we are there to help him.

Just an idea!

[kriket]

Sprout is almost one and still needs me to put him to sleep. I don't really see him putting himself to sleep any time soon.
I agree with PP, there is so much weight on babies doing things on their own I just don't think that's "right" (for lack of a better word)
I was having the conversation with DH the other day and reminded him that he is almost 26 and can't sleep when I'm away!

He is sleeping longer stretches in his bed which is AMAZING! He is a really attached little man and I have literally slept with him in the crook of my arm for 11 months!

[Blueone]

We go to bed around 6:00, after a bath and he does show a few signs of being tired, but not a lot, normally he's just a bit fussy but still has some energy.

I don't mind patting his back to sleep at all, in fact I sort of like it. I just felt pressure to teach him to go to sleep alone and wanted to hear from other moms that they too were still helping the LO's fall asleep.

We are slowly working on him not needing to be patted completely to sleep and have had lots of progress from needing to be held until asleep to only being patted.

phathui5, I'm not in NY anymore and won't be back until March, but we lived in Watertown.

[HappiLeigh]

My first started falling asleep on her own around 18 months, and I thought that was pretty early.

[hakeber]

ooooooooh, then yeah, I agree with a pp, unless you resort to CIO this rarely happens before toddlerhood and I don't know of many kids under the age of seven that don't need stories and lullabyes or back scratching at least 50% of the time to fall alseep.

DS would occassionally pass out playing and we could transfer him to the bed, but that is no where near typical.

I don't think people are genetically designed to fall asleep alone. We are pack animals and we sleep together for warmth and safety of the pack. It is against our instincts to sleep alone. When I am alone I am antsy and can't fall asleep for hours unless I take something.

[beebalmmama]

With my first he didn't fall to sleep on his own consistently until he was 3. He nursed to sleep for the first 18 months and then nursed before bed after but still needed to be snuggled or patted to sleep. We tried to get him to fall asleep on his own but it was a real struggle, but then he'd always needed a lot of help falling asleep.

I don't know how it will turn out with my younger son, now 4.5 months. But already he falls asleep more quickly than ds 1. He'll also be barely asleep and I'll be able to put him down and leave the room, ds 1 would never do that. He also usually does not nurse to sleep. He will nurse and then pop off and then snuggle in my arms to sleep.

So I agree with some other posters that it really depends on the child. It is tough to listen to your own instincts because of what other think you should or your child should be doing. Also tough because of what our expectations are of becoming parents for the first time. Ds 1 pretty much blew my expectations out of the water but I did let him lead the way (sometimes exhausted and a bit resentful). But it all works out in the end. Just trust yourself.

[Tattooed Hand]

Originally Posted by Blueone

Thank you! I don't know if there is an AP group in my area, I should look that up. I don't mind it for the most part. It does bug me though when I think he's asleep, step out, only to find out he's not and have to spend another 15 minutes when I'm hungry and am desperate for a break (currently parenting alone while my husband is deployed).

I hear you. it's hard! I find i can slip away if i only wait a bit longer until dd is well and truly deeply asleep.

[Abraisme]

Originally Posted by hakeber

I think it totally depends on the kid and the day. My littlest one at 3 months will fall asleep on her own. I can put her down wide awake go attend to ds and when I come back she has drifted off (not saying this will last forever, but it can happen).

My DD is 8mo and can fall asleep on her own 90% of the time. I didn't do anything special to encourage this, I have never left her to cry, she just started doing it. Before I had her I really thought that the only babies that fell asleep alone were "trained", but it's not always true. Each kid seems to meet this milestone in their own time. My DD is very easy going and quite please-able. If she's comfortable and in her own bed I can lay her down when she's tired and she'll sleep. It's all about personality.