Running out of steam for making things fair

[Sierra]

So I don't have multiples, and am sorry to be thread-crashing, but the developmental age of each of my kids who are 11-months apart makes them "virtual" twins. I thought perhaps you all would be uniquely equipped to relate to and respond to my issue.

The kids are four (dd turned 4 in March, and ds, who has developmental delays, turned 5 a week or so ago).

Lately, they've become really, really, REALLY interested in their narrow idea of fairness.

I didn't mind it so much when all I had to do was carefully measure everything that went on their plates, but now I can't ask one to do the simplest of things without one or the other deciding it isn't fair ("she got to shut the door and I didn't" or "you made me turn the faucet off and he didn't have to").

I've gone through every phase of things, from the "life isn't fair" approach to the carefully-calculating-every-decision just so I won't face a potential battle approach. No approach makes a darn bit of difference. Are they just destined to fight like this endlessly until they outgrow it somewhere down the line? How long will it take to outgrow...years?

What are good survival strategies for mom? I am growing exhausted of the whole thing.

[Free Thinker]

I have girls who are 5 and 7 (today!). It just is what it is. I'd say they will argue like this from now on, you just have to decide how you are going to handle it. I say whatever mom says goes, I don't care who I told to do what (I am talking chores like putting dishes away, folding towels, ect.). I do try to keep things pretty fair but I decided early on that I will NOT be measuring out how many chips, how many oz of juice, how many grapes, ect. that each kid eats. I try to be as fair as I can, and beyond that I refuse to engage in this pit-pat back and forth. My twins are only 2, but they sometimes do this, too. I ignore it and refuse to engage.

[Red Pajama]

Fair isn't equal, it's giving what's needed. With that in mind, when one complains of something not being fair, you could turn the question around and ask what is needed.

[klocke]

My kids are 5, 3 1/2 and 2 w/ the twins due any time now. So my older three are 17 & 19 months different in age. I think the "its not fair" thing is a part of development especially when you have little ones close in age. We have had a lot of conversations about turn taking and even have some bedtime stories that cover this theme. That way the kids know that they may not have got to shut the door or whatever this time but there is always next time. I do try to make things as equal as possible when it is feasible but we can not always control the situation and kids have to learn to adapt some. We certainly have our fair share of temper tantrums but they have learned that throwing a fit doesn't get them what they want and in reality the end up losing privileges instead. I think it is helpful to be super consistent, especially if you have a child with learning delays. My oldest has Asperger's and my middle dd is the most emotional child I've ever seen but I still expect them to follow rules and have some order in the house, LOL. Structure and them knowing what is and isn't acceptable really helps with that. And as the get older and mature it will get better.

[Intertwined]

I wouldn't engage. I agree that fair is giving what is needed not every person having exactly the same. I teach my children this during my weekly Starbucks run. "Mama NEEDS a coffee and a brownie, you do not"

[Sierra]

Oh, you mean ya'll don't have any magical solutions ? Well dangit all!

[Tigerchild]

If you are looking for a solution where every child at the black and white "must be fair" stage is going to magically be happy, then no...I hate to tell you, there isn't one.

I think as a parent you cope by looking at "fairness" holistically, and not from the child's individual point of view. For most children of a certain day, the only "fair" thing is that they get their way in everything all of the time. It's just how they view the world. They might barter a bit, but essentially it is all about getting what they want in the end. If you try to cater to two viewpoints or more of that, you're going to have your brain melting out your ears and you will have a low maintenance hairstyle (bald) because you will have pulled all your hair out in frustration.

I do think this is something that they have to work out by themselves, and it's a looooong phase. And there are some adults that never get out of it either (I'm sure you know some!). My best coping strategy is detatchment from it. Active listening, but no offer of solution, and I give fair warning before a cutoff if it's poking at my sanity. If it escalates to violence (physical or verbal) then the perps and instigators get the consequences they would at any other time. If they're fighting over the wii or whatever, I will give one warning, and then it's gone for 2 weeks. I think I impose probably more draconian consequences than most people at MDC would, and I don't endlessly dialog or negotiate about it--but honestly, that's all they respond to. I don't care if they want to play lawyer amongst themselves, as long as I don't have to hear it. If it escalates to something that I must intervene in, then generally they won't like the outcome. Horrifying to some I'm sure, but I've got twins and a singleton, all strong willed, 17 months apart. This is what works to keep mommy from being a raging b*h all the time because I'm so frazzled, and oddly they actually LIKE being able to argue without me stepping in to make it better. (I have been told to butt out before, when I fell into the old habit of feeling that I had to intervene, by the child who I was going to intervene for!)

I don't know if that would work for you though. My kids only very rarely physically fight or name call--if they did then I might have to re-evaluate for safety reasons. And I don't have a problem with strong parental boundaries. But I do think finding some way to disengage or at least give yourself permission to not to HAVE to make everything "okay" every single time they get into some nitpicky fight amongst themselves is essential to keeping your sanity in the midst of everyone being in lengthy squabbling mode.