DH is not even trying to like my kids. Its getting ugly. Please help - Page 2

[EarthMamaToBe]

I am not trying to be mean but if he hates you kids then why on earth did you marry him?

[Friendlee]

I felt compelled to type this whole long answer...then I was relieved to see that Jeannine said it all for me. Sadly, she's exactly right. This was a poor choice of men and he gave you indications of this from the start. You were clouded with fuzzy feelings of smitten-ness I'm guessing.

But, now it's time to
1. accept your part of the responsibility in the matter
2. make a firm decision about what you'll do now (I don't say this lightly, but I think you should leave)
3. and act on your decision in order to find a new normal for the baby.

[zinemama]

Yep, I agree with pp. It's too bad that you're in this situation, but it's a situation of your making, one that you had ample warning of. So now is the time to step up and take action about it, before your baby comes to see this as an acceptable adult partnership. And so that your older children can be proud of you for (finally) putting them before a "father" figure who hates them.

Good luck!

[samy23]

Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe

I am not trying to be mean but if he hates you kids then why on earth did you marry him?

I don't understand why you married him or had a relationship with him when from the start he ignored your older kids.... that didn't seem wrong to you, or bad for the kids?

I'm a single mom and would never put my dd in that situation, having a step dad who hates her or ignores her all the time? That must be terrible.

It you are thinking about leaving him, want some advice on this, I would suggest you make a post on the single parenting forum, lots of good help over there from mamas who have been in bad situations and got out...even if you are in a foreign country.

You said your older 2 children wouldn't move back if you left that country, but that their dad had them at easter, does that mean their father lives in Germany too?

[PoppyMama]

It seems like a common expectation that step-parents (especially step-fathers) will grow to care for their step-children and that it's not something you can expect right off the bat so I don't think it was an outrageous assumption that he would make an effort and grow to at least be tolerant of her older children. Everyone here hates the "I told you so" for the step-parents and I think it's unnecessary here as well.

[CliffRose]

Originally Posted by Jezzy

Thank you for answering!! Sorry it is so confusing and jumbled. Thats how I am feeling right now..

He has never showed a huge interest in the teens. He acceped them though and didn't ignore them.

As for how he us with the lo... He in over 2 years has maybe changed 5 diapers and that was in the first 6 months... He has never changed her into her pajamas ir has gotten her dressed in the morning. He has never given her a bath ir gas brushed her teeth. He rarely has played with her.. I have also never left dd with him.. The first thing he would do is walk out the door and go to his parents.. Thats the only time he seems to really enjoy her is when his parents are around..

Dh is rarely home. He has his own business and works a lot.. If he is not working he is playing. Dh has a drinking problem.. He isnt mean to us when he is drunk...

I know that step relationships arent always easy.. This is just horrible. I am pretty sure that if we didn't have a baby together he would have kicked us to the curb by now..

That's not right. None of it. You need to get out of there ASAP. Can your family help you?
I was in an abusive marriage for nearly 3 years, and in the last year, I started keeping notes of all the wrong things that were happening, kept in a safely hidden notebook. By the end, my mom was in contact with a social worker.
I was thinking about leaving sometime after christmas 2007, and ended up leaving one morning, when I just couldn't take it anymore. My son was 2 1/2. I stayed at some friend's place untill I moved to my own place, and got a restraining order, which was lifted after 1 week. I knew my husband would freak out when he realized we had left, and I wanted to prevent him from doing something stupid.
Being a single mom is hard, but better than being in an abusive relationship. 2 years later, I am now in an amazing relationship with a great guy, a single dad, who loves me, helps me, and treats me with respect.
You can have a happy life

[mama2toomany]

I just want to say, that I understand that a intimate relationship can turn people into something they are not normally.

My mother chose a man over all of her 5 children. The same man, he wanted nothing to do with his gfs teenage children.

I to this day have a hard time connecting with my mother, I try for my kids sake, but my brothers refuse to talk to her and resent her for choosing a man over them.

She is still with this man, and It baffles me that she loves him more then us, I know you say you love your kids more, anyone would, but from your lack of action it looks differently, especially to your kids.

You might think they don't notice, but they do.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

Everyone here hates the "I told you so" for the step-parents and I think it's unnecessary here as well.

In addressing your choice of husband, Jezzy, my intent was not to shame you ("I told you so"), but to acknowledge a truth of human behavior: It is difficult, if not impossible, to get ourselves out of a rut - and keep ourselves from falling back into similar ones - if we do not see and understand our own mistakes, weaknesses or misguided thinking, which led us there in the first place.

ALL of us, at one time or another, have needed to make a major and frightening change in our lives and have postponed figuring out how to do it and instead spent our time and energy analyzing how bad other people in our lives were and what they should change. After all, if the others would just act as we think they should, there'd be no need for US to make changes!

But, in the end, the most important thing is not that you can get people to agree with you about your husband and in-laws. (I mean, sure - it sounds like the parents are overbearing, presumptuous, insensitive and disrespectful of you. Your husband sounds like he never really moved away from his mommy.) But what matters more is, how are you going to live your life from here forward?

If your older kids' dad is also in Germany, then staying in Germany sure sounds like the best plan, for now! Other women before you have somehow managed to get divorced, in that country. Unless you have some really unusual circumstances, some form of child support and a division of marital assets will be available to you; possibly even spousal support and an order for your husband to help with your attorney's fees, since you are the primary caregiver of a child too young to attend school. Even if you're not a citizen, your kids are, right? They/you might be entitled to some type of public assistance, once you left your husband. Some attorneys will let you make payment plans, so you don't have to hand over all your savings up front - especially if you'll need it to live on, for a while. Research the laws yourself, before you hire an attorney. Know what your rights are and what you'll need to prove; to request; and to defend yourself against. All of that is a lot of work. Much better to turn your energy to that, rather than continuing to be upset about your husband not trying hard enough. If he were capable of it - or willing - he would have.

Also important: Once you leave him - particularly with a baby in tow - you will be emotionally vulnerable and craving a partner. The more clarity you have about your own feelings, needs, weaknesses, blindness that led you to the last guy, the less likely you will be to jump right back into a crummy NEW relationship. Neither you nor your kids need any more of that.

One more thought: I think you mentioned reservations about seeking a divorce because you'll have to hand over "your" baby, for visitation. Well, of course. I don't remember reading anything about your husband or his parents beating or molesting any of your kids. You're concerned about his drinking... but it sounds like if he had visitation, a lot of "his" time with the baby would involve his parents, so in effect he'd be supervised. You feel uncomfortable having your daughter around his mother, but you didn't state any concrete reason for that. Couldn't it be that you feel threatened and offended by her assumption that you would let her raise your baby for you? That would make me feel icky about her, too - but it doesn't mean the baby's unsafe around her. In fact, much as you dislike these people, they are your daughter's relatives and as she grows up, she may value her relationships with them. They evidently don't think much of you, either. That wouldn't justify them fighting to keep your baby away from you, in a divorce! So, the big question is which would be worse for your daughter: having visitation sometimes with her Dad and grandparents (but most of the time living a healthier, happier life with you); or growing up watching her Dad and grandparents be hateful to her Mom and older siblings and thinking this is what family life is supposed to look like?

[sugarpop]

Originally Posted by Jeannine

So, the big question is which would be worse for your daughter: having visitation sometimes with her Dad and grandparents (but most of the time living a healthier, happier life with you); or growing up watching her Dad and grandparents be hateful to her Mom and older siblings and thinking this is what family life is supposed to look like?

I think Jeannine is on a roll...I know some of it sounds harsh but it sounds like it comes with good intentions. We (I) have made bad decisions and put myself in places that I wish I never was, getting out wasn't easy, but taking action was empowering and liberating.

You are your children's roll model. You teach your daughters what is acceptable. One more question to ask yourself...Would you be ok with your daughter allowing a man to treat her and her children the way your DH treats you and your children? If it isn't good enough for your daughter...then it isn't good enough for their mother, or your mother's daughter!

[shishkeberry]

Originally Posted by mama2toomany

I just want to say, that I understand that a intimate relationship can turn people into something they are not normally.

My mother chose a man over all of her 5 children. The same man, he wanted nothing to do with his gfs teenage children.

I to this day have a hard time connecting with my mother, I try for my kids sake, but my brothers refuse to talk to her and resent her for choosing a man over them.

She is still with this man, and It baffles me that she loves him more then us, I know you say you love your kids more, anyone would, but from your lack of action it looks differently, especially to your kids.

You might think they don't notice, but they do.

My mom did the same thing (married a man that hated us, her children) and neither of us (me, my brother, and sister) have a good relationship with her now. It's all very superficial. Things are better between us since she divorced him, but I wasn't stupid and I knew that for a long time he meant more to her than we did.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by sugarpop

...taking action was empowering and liberating...

If it isn't good enough for your daughter...then it isn't good enough for your mother's daughter!