Why do I CHOOSE Chaos?

[Kivgaen]

I know how to get my house clean. I've done it before. I know how to get organized. I know that it takes time, commitment, and dedication.

And yet, I choose the chaos...

I know that when I see the mess and the dirt, it makes me feel like crap. I know that I can change that -- If I just committed to it, did little bits here, little bits there, etc., that it would improve. I would feel better. I would feel proud of what I accomplished.

I'll do it for a while. I'll feel good. I'll feel accomplished. But then I'll stop again. I'll let the chaos seep back into our lives.

Why do I choose the chaos?

I can't figure it out... I'm obviously capable. I obviously know what to do. And yet, I just don't commit. It's not that I can't -- I choose not to. Either consciously, or unconsciously, I make the choice.

But why??

Is there anyone else out there who makes the same choice? Why do you do it? I can't figure it out...

[lolar2]

Is it too tiring for you to keep it up, physically?

[Jend1002]

I am afraid that I DO know what you mean, because I do the same thing, but I don't know why either. I do this in other aspects of my life too. Sometimes I do this at my job (let things slide that I know I should do and can do), I do this with my house, and I do this with eating healthy on occasion. I often wonder why I am self-defeating.

I will look forward to hearing ideas from others!

[zoe196]

argh, I could have written the OP's post. I have had the day off today, childfree and there is so much I coulda/woulda/shoulda done. Instead I have mooched about all day, relaxing but feeling guilty at the same time. I feel like for me, I don't like being all strict and authoritarian with myself but then it slides into apathy/laziness/inertia. And I feel so much better when I am NOT living in chaos. Chaos is not a place I thrive.

maybe someone can shed some light-- I can only offer commiseration!

Zoe,
mama to Thomas age 4

[Kivgaen]

I hope someone can help us with answers...

I don't think physically it's an issue, although sometimes I do get tired of going up/down stairs with laundry, etc.

I've been speculating as to some reasons for this behavior... I'm not sure which of them fit most:

I know that I:
1) Have poor work habits and am disorganized
2) Feel overwhelmed
3) Want everything "perfect"
4) Would rather do anything else than clean

But I don't think any of those are the causes -- they are the symptoms...

What's behind it?

Is it depression? Low self-esteem? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of Change? An identity crisis? A combination of all of the above?

[lolar2]

Well, it seems to me that 1, 3 and 4 would cause 2.

I also get the vibe that you're trying to do too much and running out of time and energy.

[Learning_Mum]

For me, I just don't care that much. I've realised that I'm *OK* living in a messy, dirty house. I have my limits of course, and usually when the house gets to that point I will sort it out.

Right now there are odds and ends all over the dining table. A cot sheet, a pair of DS1 pants and cat toys all over the floor and the bed is unmade. I'm OK with that. I don't really "see" the mess. I can tune it out. I set limits in that the rubbish needs to be taken out when it's full. The kitchen benches need to be kept clean and I will frequently "spot clean" the tile floors. I also vacuum at least once a day.

I personally think this is a left over from the 50's where it was a woman's job to keep the house spotless all the time. I know alot of people feel they "should" do something because that is the societal expectation. I'm not talking about living in filth but different people have different limits on what they're OK with. Some people like and need an immaculate house and some people don't care at all. I think it's all about deciding what you're OK with and then letting go of the expectations because you're just setting yourself up for failure and disappointment that way.

This is something I'm working on by the way. In my head I would love to be Little Miss Sunshine / Suzy Homemaker / Martha Stewart. I would love to be full of energy, be forever patient and gentle with my kids, spend all day doing crafts, keeping an immaculate house and baking but that just isn't me! I'm learning to accept that because otherwise I'm setting myself up for a life time of misery because I'll never measure up to my ideal.

I'm coming to accept it. I don't really let things get dirty but I'm OK with mess and choas to a certain extent. It's just who I am.

ETA: I wanted to add, there is also a positive side to being this way. My kids can relax at home. They don't need to worry about keeping things perfect. I have a laid back personality. I will sometimes have a friend come over and the kids will make a mess playing or drop food on the floor and she'll start apologising and feeling bad and I'm just like "Seriously! It's OK! It's just a few crumbs! It's not a big deal, it will only take a sec to clean up!". Same with the kids - I prefer if they aren't dirty because it just means more washing but at the end of the day if they get dirty or messy I don't mind and I don't need to freak out about cleaning it up right. that. second. It means less stress for me!

[Ellie'sMom]

Perfectionism and anxiety are the keys for me. It took therapy for me to realize that I resort to avoidance often because I am anxious and the root of my anxiety is often my perfectionism. I didn't even recognize it as anxiety before. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was VERY helpful for me with regard to this. I am by no means cured, but when things get bad (really behind on laundry, paperwork that hasn't been dealt with, etc) I am better able to get perspective and just turn around and get it done without having to get to a point where I feel awful about myself.

HTH!

[journeymom]

I think it's because our brains are wired for a much more exciting life.

Getting and staying organized and clean is BORING!! Yeah, we do get some satisfaction from it.

But our brains are meant to help us deal with life-threateneing situations regularly much more often than we have to now. Finding food, hunting animals, dealing with the elements, keeping our children alive (forget worring about their self esteem).

All much more interesting to our brains (if not our conscious selves, which might be more interested in who's going to win American Idol) than cleaning house or getting projects done at work or paying bills.

[sebandg'smama]

Growing up in a very clean house was very anxiety inducing for me as a child.

I used to feel that everything needed to be cleaned top to bottom as I was taught by my German (I think that's relevant ) mother. Now if the floor needs to be cleaned I move things over and sweep and wash without worrying about the rest.

I strive to be good enough.

-Melanie

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by lolar2

Well, it seems to me that 1, 3 and 4 would cause 2.

I also get the vibe that you're trying to do too much and running out of time and energy.

Yes, I think that's probably part of it. I start out small, I start taking baby steps, and then I add a little bit here, add a little bit there. And before I know it, I'm working non-stop and have no personal time for me. No time for the things that *I* need. And I start to shut down again.

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

For me, I just don't care that much. I've realised that I'm *OK* living in a messy, dirty house. I have my limits of course, and usually when the house gets to that point I will sort it out.

Are you really okay with it? When you DO "see" the mess -- doesn't it make you feel bad?

For me, I do "SEE" the mess, and it does bother me. I do wish that I could live in a perfect house, but I know now that perfect is not an attainable goal. But I so far off from perfect now that it's not even funny. I need to strive for excellence (or "good enough") and try to focus on the things that ARE good. I don't think being a pessimist helps matters!

I personally think this is a left over from the 50's where it was a woman's job to keep the house spotless all the time. I know alot of people feel they "should" do something because that is the societal expectation.

I agree with your above statement to a certain extent, but I believe that it runs far deeper than a cultural norm or a social expectation. Because of the LONG history of women being the home makers (we're talking thousands of years here!) women are just wired differently. Our brains are programmed to see the mess, to be bothered by the mess, and to feel a responsibility to take care of the mess. I know this is a global generalization and it won't be true of every man/woman all over the globe -- but I do believe that a large majority of women are just better at it than men because they were built that way.

I think it's all about deciding what you're OK with and then letting go of the expectations because you're just setting yourself up for failure and disappointment that way.

You're right. I've never really addressed what exactly is bothering me and how to set realistic goals that are achievable, and then write out the small steps that need to be made in order to get to that place.

I'm coming to accept it. I don't really let things get dirty but I'm OK with mess and choas to a certain extent. It's just who I am.

For me, I used to tell myself that as well... but I've realized that I was just never in tune with what I really wanted -- I was lying to myself (quite effectively, I might add). And it was making me miserable without my knowledge of what was even bothering me.

ETA: I wanted to add, there is also a positive side to being this way. My kids can relax at home. They don't need to worry about keeping things perfect. I have a laid back personality. I will sometimes have a friend come over and the kids will make a mess playing or drop food on the floor and she'll start apologising and feeling bad and I'm just like "Seriously! It's OK! It's just a few crumbs! It's not a big deal, it will only take a sec to clean up!". Same with the kids - I prefer if they aren't dirty because it just means more washing but at the end of the day if they get dirty or messy I don't mind and I don't need to freak out about cleaning it up right. that. second. It means less stress for me!

I wanted to address this point, but I'm late for getting the kids to swimming. I'll post more when I get back.

[LionTigerBear]

Haven't read all the responses but it could be ADD. ADD is often missed in women because it looks different than in men.

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

ETA: I wanted to add, there is also a positive side to being this way. My kids can relax at home. They don't need to worry about keeping things perfect. I have a laid back personality. I will sometimes have a friend come over and the kids will make a mess playing or drop food on the floor and she'll start apologising and feeling bad and I'm just like "Seriously! It's OK! It's just a few crumbs! It's not a big deal, it will only take a sec to clean up!". Same with the kids - I prefer if they aren't dirty because it just means more washing but at the end of the day if they get dirty or messy I don't mind and I don't need to freak out about cleaning it up right. that. second. It means less stress for me!

I think you can have both... You can have a clean home and have a positive attitude towards cleaning and tidying up.

If I had a "perfect" immaculate house (impossible, I know), and my children spill a whole jug of juice that splashed up over the walls and cupboards, if I freaked out, got angry, upset, yelled, etc., then the children will get fearful and will develop a nervous anxiety about making messes.

But if I kept my cool, stayed calm, and said in a playful voice "Oh my, you made a huge mess! Let's clean it up right away before it gets REALLY sticky. Run and grab a cloth from the drawer and I'll go get the mop", then cleaning doesn't have to be stressful.

My mom hated cleaning, and I learned from her that cleaning isn't fun, is boring, and has no rewards. But it doesn't have to be so! I just need to keep reminding myself of this and start having fun with the kids when we're cleaning up.

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by journeymom

I think it's because our brains are wired for a much more exciting life.

But our brains are meant to help us deal with life-threateneing situations regularly much more often than we have to now.

Interesting... I never thought of that before. So you think that my brain is sabotaging my efforts because it wants to be engaged more often with challenging, critical problems?

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by sebandg'smama

Growing up in a very clean house was very anxiety inducing for me as a child.

I used to feel that everything needed to be cleaned top to bottom as I was taught by my German (I think that's relevant ) mother.

How did your mother react when things weren't clean or when work needed to be done? What part of living in a clean house was stressful?

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by Kivgaen

Interesting... I never thought of that before. So you think that my brain is sabotaging my efforts because it wants to be engaged more often with challenging, critical problems?

Yes!

I like to think it means we're too smart for house work. But these drudgeries persist and it's STILL necessary to clean and straighten sometimes, it is necessary to do boring chores. So I try to make peace with it.

Most importantly I strive for balance. I feel less resentful about challenging the chaos when I get to have fun regularly, get to connect with my fellow humans. I think we all thrive when we can pick up on mental engergies from each other. Inspiration and motivation from our fellow women and men.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by sebandg'smama

Growing up in a very clean house was very anxiety inducing for me as a child.

Growing up in a messy house had the same effect on me. I was ashamed to have folks over and was truly upset at my parents who seemed to have it all together but had this "ick" in the house.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by Ellie'sMom

Perfectionism and anxiety are the keys for me. It took therapy for me to realize that I resort to avoidance often because I am anxious and the root of my anxiety is often my perfectionism. I didn't even recognize it as anxiety before. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was VERY helpful for me with regard to this. I am by no means cured, but when things get bad (really behind on laundry, paperwork that hasn't been dealt with, etc) I am better able to get perspective and just turn around and get it done without having to get to a point where I feel awful about myself.

HTH!

I have perfectionism and anxiety issues, too, but didn't do the therapy. I'm pretty sure that's why I have troubles keeping my house neat, for me, at least.

ETA... I, for some reason, will mentally clean - that is, I think about organizing and what should go where, and then I don't actually *do* it.

[chimomma]

I think it could well be rooted in psycological/emotional issues. I think for many people it is self defeating behavior rooted in perfectionism. You think yourself some one able to be perfect, but are afraid if you try your best you won't actually be perfect, which would then harm the idea that you could be perfect if you wanted to. So you just don't try because then you could use the excuse that you are not perfect because you are not trying, not because you are not able.

Or if you are like me maybe along those same lines have masochistic tendencies. If things in my life are stable, comfortable, and good I start feeling really nervious like this is not normal for me and something bad is going to happen soon. Maybe I spent so much time in instability, turmoil and craziness that I feel out of my comfort zone in stability. You might feel that you deserve to live in a messy house or you don't know how to emotionally deal with having your life orgainized and comfortable.

I know that this seems out of the scope of housekeeping, but I think a lot of our inner landscape is projected on the way we manage our house.