is it weird to greive anew after a period of time?

[prairiebird]

I am confused about this. I thought I dealt with it. My mom passed away from cancer when I was 14. She'd been sick for 5 years prior, and I really never got to know her in a teen-parent sense. I went through counseling at that age, and then had a resurgence of sadness when I had my first child at 22. I went to therapy for that too, a bit of grief counseling, and discovered "Mothers without Mothers" and read books on that as well.

Now it's been nearly 20 years since she passed, and I'm dealing with renewed grief again. I keep thinking I'm weird or something. I'm trying to pin down why and am not sure:

-I just had my last child by c-section all alone and it was traumatic. Maybe I'm wishing I had a mother there for me to help me though it.

-As of last year, I've now known my husband and therefore his mom and dad longer than I knew my mom. I have a tolerable but not truely loving relationship with them. Maybe that bothers me?

-I am about to reach the age my mom gave birth to me- maybe that's weirding me out?

-My oldest son will be 10 this month, the age my only sister/sibling was when my mom passed away. I became her main caretaker after my mom passed because my dad was mainly there in name only. He still worked, sometimes grocery shopped, and would write checks for household bills, but I'm the one that took on my mom's jobs of cleaning, making dinner, doc appointments, school lunches, holiday decoration and planning etc. Maybe having my son turn 10 is triggering something for me?

UGH. I just feel... I donno, weird about it. By now things should be a dull pain and not hurting awfully again all over.

Does this even make any sense?

[Logan's mommy]

First off I'm so sorry for your loss. While I've never felt the loss of a parent, I lost my maternal grandmother when I was 9. That was 18 years ago. The grief hits me again at random times. Every time it does, I feel like I did when she passed. You are not strange. Everyone grieves differently, there's no right or wrong way to do it.

[kcstar]

My paternal grandmother died when I was not quite six. It didn't hit me hard until 2-4 years later.

My maternal grandmother died in August, and my mom in January. Both have taken a couple of months to really start hitting. It's too recent to tell whether it will hit hard again in ten years...

I lost a coworker shortly after 9/11. It took a few months to adjust, and then hit hard again on the anniversary of his death.

So I think it could be any or all of the above.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I have found that grief comes in waves and those waves can come daily or be spread out over months or years. Things that are going on in my life can bring back the grief and catch me by surprise.

[Bea]

It's not remotely weird

The cycle of grieving (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and the ones never mentioned in the cycle,sadness and guilt) happen in any order and repeat themselves for as long as, well, for as long as you experience it.

I can literally go for years without sadness about family deaths and then. WHACK! There it is again.

The reason it hurts over again is because your Mommy died. You don't need to make sense of it. It's supposed to hurt because you loved her and sometimes you can put it aside and other times, something will bring at back afresh.

[expatmommy]

I think it is really normal to grieve again at each new phase of life.

[Viola]

Originally Posted by expatmommy

I think it is really normal to grieve again at each new phase of life.

I agree. My mother's mother died when she was 8, and I know in later years, when my mother was in a different or new phase of her life, she would feel sad for the loss of her mother and think of it all again in this new light.

[shayinme]

I think its normal as you pass through different phases of life to have a period of grieving. I lost my Mom 6 years ago and lately she has been on my mind as my son turned 18 and I am dealing with some health issues. Really, situations that if she were alive I would be sharing with her. My grief is nowhere near what it was when she first passed but I do recognize it as a form of grief. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, if it feels safe.

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

it's not weird hun.

[swd12422]

Another vote for not weird at all, and hugs for you too.

My grandmother died nearly 14 years ago, and every now and then, I'll just get hit out of left field with grief for her. It doesn't necessarily happen with any milestone or anniversary. Sometimes it just seems totally random. It makes me sad, and I feel strange crying like she just passed yesterday, but ultimately it reinforces my feelings for and memories of her, and I never want to lose them.

[sg784]

Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X

I have found that grief comes in waves and those waves can come daily or be spread out over months or years. Things that are going on in my life can bring back the grief and catch me by surprise.

me too
nak

op

[writteninkursive]

It is 100% normal to grieve in waves, even throughout the entirety of your life! I'm sorry for you loss. I still grieve the loss of my first baby at random times also. As long as the grief doesn't become the main focus of your life, all is well and it is healthy.

I keep a journal for my lost child and it helps SO much. Sometimes I don't write. When I have resurgences of grief, I write and write and sometimes cry and look at her little ultrasound picture. Perhaps something along those lines could help you too?

[prairiebird]

I like the idea of a journal, or maybe writing letters to her that I seal up and just keep or burn or something.

I've been doing a bit better lately. I brought my newborn to the cemetery and 'told' my mom about the new baby.

Someone once mentioned to me that I should dig up old pictures of her, and pictures from her own childhood to put in a scrapbook for the kids, so I might do that too.

I have one younger sister that I sometimes feel like I have to fill in for my mom for her in a different way than a sibling would. She was only 10 when my mom passed away, and I was the one taking care of her after that (since my dad is useless.) There are times when I feel like I have to be extra attentive to my sister in more of a maternal way than a sibling way, and that'll make me go though being angry/sad about my mom's death as well. And then, of course, I'll feel guilty for being mad for those few moments, followed by feeling sad again. I guess going though those phases of grief never really go away.

[Annie Mac]

I think that's totally normal. My dad died 18 years ago. It wasn't until about 3 or 4 years ago that I could talk about his death without crying. And over the 18 year period, I've had waves of sadness and grief that come and go. I expect I always will. As long as it's not crippling grief that makes you unable to deal with your life, I would think that's normal, and not at all unusual.