Really sad/stressed/struggling

[intrepidmother]

I found out that I have to go to work full time (I was hoping for part-time) and my DD will be just 1 year old. I fear that I am going to miss all her milestones and that I'm going to wreck her life (will she still have a healthy attachment to me? will she be okay or will it traumatize her?). I want to find a nanny to take her, but I'm afraid I won't find someone suitable....

Who else is working full time? How old was your DC before you started working again? I don't want to leave DD. I want to stay home, but it is just not possible

[Lilygoose]

I always thought i'd be a stay at home mom. in fact i delayed having my DD for a few years hoping my DH would be in a place financially that would allow us to do this. Eventually, I reached a point where we couldn't wait any longer and we decided to go ahead and concieve and work out the details later. We had hoped that his mom would watch our DD for the first couple of years (as she did for his sisters sons), but his parents are older now and were not up to being full time care providers. I had to go back to work when DD was just 8 weeks old. My in-laws did come and stay with her for a few months, and it was the slow season for my DH (landscaper) so between them she was well loved and cared for, but once my hubby started working full time again we needed to put her in daycare. She was 5 months old. It was SO HARD. I cried alot. i felt like a horrible mama. We found a daycare around the corner from our house that we liked. I have some flexibility in my work schedule so I would visit her most days for about 1/2 an hour. And she LOVED it! She took to the environment immediately, loved the activity, the care providers, the other babies. I continued to visit her, but it was because it made me happy, she wasn't bothered if I wasn't there. She's just turning 18 months and has had some upheaval in changing rooms a couple times recently due to being both cognitively and physically advanced as well as large for her age. she struggled with some aggressive behavior when bored. Currently she is in a room with kids 1-1.5 years older than her and she likes this alot. Every morning she can't wait to go to "school" and gets mad if I'm too slow getting us ready. She is also very happy to see her dad and i when we pick her up and enjoys coming home and spending snuggle and play time with mommy. i have not missed any of her milestones, and occasionally still drop in just to say hi during the day. We have a great bond. She loves her mommy and daddy. I never expected it to turn out like this. A part of me still wishes i could be a SAHM, but it isn't in our finances (I carry the health insurance for us through my job), but we have a happy, connected family. Daycare may be difficult for some families, but it is not always the worst thing.

[Megan73]

My happy little guy doesn't seem traumatized
But I remember having some of the same feelings when I returned to work shortly after my son's first birthday. None of my fears came true. DS loves the home daycare we found in the neighbourhood (and quality care is obviously key) and after a few weeks at work I felt like I'd never been away. Pumping was a pain but really no big deal.
DS is now 21 months and going through a serious mommy-love stage of bringing me the nursing pillow and covering me with big, wet kisses.
Trust that you have a solid bond with your LO. You'll both be FINE. Really.
We should both feel lucky to get a full year at home. Lots of mamas only get a few weeks or months to be with their babies full time.

[Jend1002]

Oh, I also remember feeling what you describe when I had to return to work. It is really really hard. I never thought I'd be able to stay home though - just wasn't possible financially. My son is 18 months old and does wonderfully in daycare. He has been there since 16 weeks and I do work full time. I feel like I have a very close relationship with his caregivers. They are wonderful.

I will admit that I don't do as well as he does - it still pains me to be away from him. But when I take him to his classroom and he can't get out of my arms fast enough to go play, I know he is happy there. I haven't missed any milestones and he has learned so many things that I wonder if I would have come up with at home. Being around a group of peers can have a great effect on LOs. Sometimes when I arrive for pickup and the kids are out on the playground, I just stay and watch for a few minutes to see how they are interacting. It really is amazing to see them all together.

I think the BEST thing that you can do is find a daycare situation in which you have complete confidence. You need to feel secure about it when you leave your child every day. You don't have to be happy about leaving, but you do need to feel that it is the best possible option for your family.

[lmbjer]

I think that when a child is placed in a solid, healthy daycare situation, us as the parents actually struggle way more than the child. My kids love spending their days at their grandparents. They have routines, schedules, activities, and most importantly are loved and doted on. I, however, still cry nearly daily after almost four years.

I will say that I have never grieved the missing the milestones part. In my mind, the only first that counts is the first that I see. What I miss is the mundane. Snuggling on the couch lazily before breakfast. Puttering around the house being followed by my babies. That stuff.

[intrepidmother]

Thanks for all the encouragement! I needed to hear that DD will be okay and that I won't "ruin" her. I know that I'll be really sad to be away from her, but I can handle it As long as she's happy.