TTC #1 at 37 and unexpectedly grieving the pending loss of childlessness.

[Mommel]

Hi all,

I'm new to these boards. My two younger sisters have both been here before me. Each of them have had two children. I guess I'm a little slow to follow suit, becasue at 37 I am finally TTC #1. We're only on our second cycle TTC, so I am still hopeful. If my sisters are any indication of my chances, I'll be preggo before summer starts, so I'm not too worried about it at this point.

I've been encountering an unexpected emotion as DH and I talk more and more about this (and as he asks me every morning hopefully, "When are you going to be pregnant, sweetie?" and then falls back asleep disiniterested in the technicality of it all before I can explain the whole process - LOL)... I thought I'd done and seen everything I wanted to do and see before getting to this point, thought I'd been who I've wanted to be, and I KNOW that I want to do this... without a shadow of a doubt we want a baby, despite the very normal fear of the unknown... BUT...

I didn't even consider that looking outward toward my future, I would grieve the loss of my childless self. I thought that by making the decision (and after waiting this long) that I'd be over that all by now.

Is anyone else TTC#1 (and maybe over 30 too) experiencing this or has experienced it? And are there Moms out there who have seen the other side after experiencing it that can offer any words of wisdom?

~Rachel

[JonahRoo]

Hi Rachel

I have one child (2yrs old) right now but I thought I would chime in with my perspective. I think it is totally normal (and even healthy!) to grieve a HUGE chapter of your life. My first pregnancy was a surprise and totally caught me and my BF at the time off gaurd. But I went with it happily and the first year of having my ds was wonderful. However, this second year has been trying as I am finally FEELING the loss of my life pre-child. I love my child more than anything and that being said my life pre-child was special too but I never acknowledged that and I never said "goodbye" to it. I never grieved the loss and therefore was unable to FULLY move forward to this chapter (and i didn't realize this until 2 years into this new chapter).

There is a GREAT book out there called "The Way of Transition" by William Bridges. It talks all about how important it is to transition completely from one chapter of life into another. An example is how indigenous tribes would send their young boys going through puberty out into the wilderness so they could find their way back thus initiating them into manhood. He stresses the importance of these "rituals". Even women now are having blessing ceremonies during their pregnancies to honor who she was before this child and who she will be with this child.

I think you are on the right track with yourself. Honor yourself and you will be able to joyfully continue on in your journey.

[To-Fu]

I have to totally second JonahRoo's first paragraph. That' sexactly how things unfolded for me, too. I think it's important to give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling now and to grieve the very real loss. Of course, you're gaining something awesome, but it that doesn't make the loss any less, either.

I, too, think you're on the right track.

[Stella_luna]

Ohhh, I did, big-time. I was 30 when I got pg. After a lifetime of not wanting kids, I changed my mind, and within 2 months I was pregnant. I was elated for about a week. THEN, I totally crashed. I was devastated . . . I was really, really sad, and thought I had ruined my life, should have waited 5 more years, and my life would be over. I actually saw my OB about it, I was so concerned, and he assured me this reaction was common in first-trimester first-time moms. He was right, and by the second trimester I was back to being elated, and once DD arrived . . . . just . . . . wow. I never looked back at my old life with longing.

I have to warn you, my DH did. He grieved our pre-baby life pretty hard. It's hard to adjust to parenthood after having total freedom for a long time. But he got through it, and now we both LOVE being parents. Really, it's so wonderful. But mourning the loss of your pre-baby life . . . even pre-baby . . . is normal too.

[Mommel]

Thank you, all of you ladies!

JonahRoo, I will definitely look up the Bridges book. All of that makes total sense.

And thank you, Stella_luna for the reminder that DH is going through similar feelings. In fact, just prior to sequestering myself in front of the computer we had a little argument about that very thing. He's freaking out because he doesn't know how we're going to pay for a baby, and what do we know about being parents anyway, and how are we going to do this with our families so far away, and blah, blah, blah.

Obviously they are some of the same fears I have, but I immediately think he's trying to put a hold on TTC (which he's not of course) instead of being able to hear him out because his fears echo my own so strongly. At the moment, he's talking to his sister about it and working out his own process, which I have no control over... reading your post helped me to remember that he's probably going through the same thing I am and I should probably just talk to him about it. So, thanks!

I like these boards better than WTE (where I was before). My sisters were right. You guys are much cooler. ;-)