feelings sad during intimacy with DH

[arianascrunchymama]

The more I research circumcision, the more I get a pit in my stomach during intimacy with DH. I hate that it's happening to me, but I can't help it. (TMI) he has a purple ring from his scar line around the shaft of his penis and a skin bridge underneath where his frenulum would be. He has a scar on his glans from a skin that was removed when he was a little kid. he says the skin bridge doesn't bother him at all, and he inching toward agreeing to not circ any boys we have but still is more on the pro-circ side of the fence. Seeing was done to him sans pain meds when he was a day old makes me wish I could take undo it.

Has anyone else with a circ'd dh felt this way?

[PuppyFluffer]

I think the vast majority of women who learn the damage of circumcision and it's lifeling effects upon the intimacy a man has with his partner feel this way.

I cannot remember a time when I ever thought circumcision made sense. As I've learned more about it, I have had increasing sadness at what was done to my dh as a non-censenting baby.

In May 2008, I had a son.

I attend an annual event whose sole purpose is to educate about circumcion and protest that female children have legal protection and males do not. At this event in 2009, there was a gathering to recognize the long time work of three specific people. A documentary on the movement to educate about male infant circumcision was shown. It contained still pictures of a circumcision. I saw them and I wept.
Having my own baby boy, the issue just became real to me in a manner that it had never before. My thoughts about my husband experiencing his circumcision were rather persistant for a long time after this event.
I can say that over time, it's subsided a bit. I think it's a very empathetic and compassionate response to pain suffered by someone you dearly love.

[rhiandmoi]

I know that I have absolutely no sadness about DH and his circ, because he has no sadness about it. I can honestly say that he doesn't consider it at all, so why would I? I mean all kinds of things happen to everyone as children that are traumatic, or without their consent or knowledge - to me this is no different. Caveat - neither DH nor I believe in consensual child rearing.

I think it is fine to be empathetic towards a person, and even to grieve a loss they have long since forgotten, but if your grieving process is getting in the way of your marital intimacy you might need to find a way to speed up your grieving process.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I think it is pretty common when you first learn about circ to feel this way. I did at first but over the years it has become less so. I wish that dh never had to endure that pain as an infant and feel sad for "baby" dh

So the way you feel now will pass but keep it in mind when it comes time to stand your ground for your own ds's.

[PuppyFluffer]

Interesting rhiandmoi.
I'm not familiar with the phrase "consensual child rearing" so I don't know what you mean. If you want to explain further, PM me. I don't want to derail the thread.

[SH346]

arianascrunchymama and PuppyFluffer- Have either of you ever talked to your husbands about foreskin restoration? If they don't know about it, they might be interested.

[4Blessings]

No. It doesn't bother him so it's not an issue that I choose to spend time feeling badly about. I have too many other issues to deal with in my life. I cannot change what happened in the past so it just isn't worth the energy to feel sadness about it.

[arianascrunchymama]

I think it's more about wishing that he had been left intact for the sake of any sons we ever have. If he was intact we wouldn't be struggling with making a decision before we TTC again. Or more getting him to agree with me.

I do wish I could take away any pain he endured as a newborn because he's my hubby and I love him. He has no recollection of it and says he's glad his mom decided to have him circumcised.

[ElliesMomma]

i feel bad about it, too. and not only for the pain he experienced as a newborn, and for how it made him want to circumcise his sons (he has two from previous marriage, circumcised) -- i stood my ground on our son (who is intact) in order to validate what was done to him. ALSO and not insignificantly, i feel bad about it for MYSELF and for the loss of what could otherwise be even more extraordinary sexual relations (we're pretty excellent together... how much more fantastic could it have been with the full complement of equipment).

circumcision is such an ODD thing to do. it just makes me shake my head sometimes, in disbelief. it's so PRIMITIVE and downright MEDIEVAL...

[PuppyFluffer]

My husband and I are aware of the process of restoration.

[claddaghmom]

As a teen I knew enough about circ to know what was stolen from and so did he. But as we continue our education (both interested in sciences) I find the impact to be overwhelming at times. E.g. consider the study that found infants who experience pain/trauma as newborns develop fewer opioid receptors....we are altering baby boys and are still learning how this is impacting them on every plane....anatomically, sexually, emotionally, psychologically...

My heart has ached for DH and what he experienced, and the reminder he has marked on his body. I've been through my own abuse so I know you can't dwell on it or let it take over your feelings, but it is entirely healthy and good to acknowledge what happened, to feel normal human emotions over it....so the last part? How will you turn this into a positive? Where will you go from here?

In DH's opinion, a huge healing factor is knowing that he will have intact children. Knowing that he is informed and he can stop the cycle right here, right now, and that I support him 100% really helps.

Another thing has been to consider restoration. I like this product: (eta I think it might not be allowed bc the link shows how to put it on: PM) because it is less intimidating and can give the man a chance to see "what it's all about" and decide what he wants to do if anything. And then it can still be used no matter what his decision.

[K-Mom3]

It never occurred to me to be sad for my dh about being circed. We are pretty AP parents and didn't circ our son. But dh doesn't really care and doesn't give it a second thought that it was done to him. So I don't care either.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by K-Mom3

It never occurred to me to be sad for my dh about being circed. We are pretty AP parents and didn't circ our son. But dh doesn't really care and doesn't give it a second thought that it was done to him. So I don't care either.

Not to mention I couldn't imagine what making a big deal out of it would do to him

I think it is fine to be empathetic towards a person, and even to grieve a loss they have long since forgotten, but if your grieving process is getting in the way of your marital intimacy you might need to find a way to speed up your grieving process.

And perhaps seek some outside help, mama.

[katiesmom]

Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X

I think it is pretty common when you first learn about circ to feel this way. I did at first but over the years it has become less so. I wish that dh never had to endure that pain as an infant and feel sad for "baby" dh

So the way you feel now will pass but keep it in mind when it comes time to stand your ground for your own ds's.

So true. I felt bad about my dh's circ when I realized what a horrid thing it is. I don't think about it any more. He's happy, so I'm happy.

[GreenGranolaMama]

Originally Posted by K-Mom3

It never occurred to me to be sad for my dh about being circed. We are pretty AP parents and didn't circ our son. But dh doesn't really care and doesn't give it a second thought that it was done to him. So I don't care either.

Same here

[arianascrunchymama]

I would NEVER, EVER bring it up to him! He is the epitome of the man with a sensitive ego to boot. I never told him he had a skin bridge, just casually asked "does this hurt you?". He replied no, and we moved on.

This is so sad to say but I never knew you could NOT circ until 8 months ago. I was raised Jewish so my brother is circumcised. I'm only 25 so every man I've ever been with has been foreskin-less. When we found out we were pregnant with DD my midwife asked me about circ in case the baby was a boy and we replied "oh, of course we will!" it makes me sooo thankful that she's a girl and was spared my ignorance.

I'm sure I'll get over it soon, but I can't help but to continue to immerse myself in research which probably only aggravates the problem.

thank you for relating and giving your kind words.

[Fyrestorm]

I was a bit sad for DH...especially after his 2nd Meatal Stenosis surgery. He's okay with it though and would have been on board with leaving any son's we had (we only have a DD) intact. He really doesn't understand my passion for the subject though.

I feel more sad for me...for us...for what we are missing. But it is what it is and I know it will stop with my DH for our family. I get some peace from that.

[Arduinna]

I don't understand how anyone wouldn't feel sadness at knowing what happens to men when they are circ'd particularly in infancy and childhood.

[PuppyFluffer]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I don't understand how anyone wouldn't feel sadness at knowing what happens to men when they are circ'd particularly in infancy and childhood.

Emphasis mine.
Exactly!

[shishkeberry]

I feel sorry for my DP, but I don't bring it up. He's agreed that we won't circ any boys we may have together, and that's the only battle that was worth winning to me. He doesn't like the idea of leaving them intact (and thinks I'm a little crazy for being so passionate about it) but he knows it's the one thing that I will not abide.