feelings sad during intimacy with DH - Page 2

[georgia]

Hi, just a friendly reminder of the forum's guidelines:

While circumcision has sexual impact, any discussion of a sexual concern needs to remain clinical in nature, focused on the actual impact of circumcision and in keeping with the MDC User Agreement:

Do not post profane or sexually explicit text. Discussions of a sexual nature should be within the realm of topics inherent to Mothering discussions such as sex after delivery, sex and the family bed, etc.

Please avoid slang terms for anatomy. Posts containing graphic sexual discussion or that link to or reference sexually explicit material are inappropriate for the forum and will be removed. Foreskin restoration discussion is beyond the current scope of this forum, however, we encourage those interested to check the Web Resource Thread for further information and helpful sites devoted to this topic.

Please PM me with any questions, thanks!

[Galatea]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I don't understand how anyone wouldn't feel sadness at knowing what happens to men when they are circ'd particularly in infancy and childhood.

Amen. In fact, the lack of emotion seems to suggest a lingering discomfort with intactivism and that perhaps circumcision is still perceived as no big deal. It is a very big deal, no matter how old the victim.

To the OP: I definitely went through a phase of grieving for the baby dh and grieving for what could have been in our sex life. He doesn't have any complications (aside from the amputation itself) and was left with a fair amount of looseness, but I am/was sad for his lack of finer sensations, and the fun things that can be done with the foreskin.

I know that a huge part of the grieving process is to feel the emotions and not try to rush right to "there's nothing I can do so I won't feel anything." In most/all cases, that is counter-productive as the feelings will eventually worm their way out in a less-healthy way. Like perhaps in denying that others may feel sad about their husbands being circ'ed.

Anyway, I suggested restoration to my dh, and he never wanted to do it. Eventually my own feelings wore themselves out and I never feel sad during sex itself. So, like everything else in life - it will pass, you will heal, but for now, yes, it sucks.

[annablue]

Another reason I'm glad my husband is intact... I would probably have issues with sadness, guilt, wondering "what could have been," etc if he was circumcised.

[Tiana]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I don't understand how anyone wouldn't feel sadness at knowing what happens to men when they are circ'd particularly in infancy and childhood.

Exactly this.

It definitely makes me sad to think what happened to DH as a baby and for what all he (and us, together) lost as a result. I don't dwell on it, and it doesn't affect our intimacy, but I do feel sad.

DH and I have actually talked a fair bit about it, as I'm extremely passionate about this subject. I told him as angry and sad as I am that this happened to him, I in no way blame his mum. When he was born, circumcision was still covered by government insurance here, and I don't think MIL was even really asked. The way she kind of talked about it (in passing once), it sounded like it was more of a 'When do you want this done?' as opposed to 'Do you even want it done at all?'

He doesn't have as strong of feelings about his own circ as I do. To him it's just the way he's always been, so it's 'normal'. However, he thinks it's a completely unnecessary procedure and was totally on board with keeping our children intact. Knowing that my own son is intact, and that every other young boy I know is as well, has really helped me. I still get a little sad thinking about it, but I don't let it rule my life.

[NSmomtobe]

I mostly feel sad for myself because DH doesn't seem to care. I understand that it's probably just a defense mechanism but every time I bring up the subject, he tells me I'm making too big a deal out of it, so I don't bring it up anymore, but in my opinion, DH's circumcision does impact our sex life.

[PuppyFluffer]

Originally Posted by NSmomtobe

I mostly feel sad for myself because DH doesn't seem to care. I understand that it's probably just a defense mechanism but every time I bring up the subject, he tells me I'm making too big a deal out of it, so I don't bring it up anymore, but in my opinion, DH's circumcision does impact our sex life.

It has to. It's a basic principle of physics. You cannot change form without altering function.

The damage of circumcision ripples out far and wide. The emotional pain and sense of regret that women of circumcised men experience is just another one of the ripples of harm.

[shishkeberry]

I also feel sad that I will probably never know what it's like to have sex with an intact man. The only intact adult male that I know is my brother (not going there!) and I hope to be with my DP for the rest of my life. I have to desire to cheat on him. So if we stay together until we're old, I'll never know what it's like.

[elanorh]

Yes, I went through some grieving during the first six months or so that I really started learning about circumcision. I was sad for dh for what happened to him as a baby, what was taken from him .... I was also sad for what was taken from US as a married couple. It took awhile to work through.

I was sharing what I was learning with dh, so he learned about it too -- we'd been anti-circ (but not really informed about it) prior to that, anyway. But dh did begin to feel sensitive about it -- I don't think many men want to think too deeply about it (at least, dh doesn't). We do know that it has negatively affected our love life (we had a real a-ha! moment reading about that). He knows what he's missing now, I've mentioned that we can do things to try to adjust but he's not interested. It's a really deep scar, you know? So I did work not to be SO sad about it, because it made him feel sad and defensive, too.

It's been a few years since I became so strongly anti-circ. Dh is just as supportive as I am of intactivism ... I love the whole him, even while wishing he had been spared.

[heidirk]

I went through a period of mourning over my 'baby' DH's circ. IT was connected to the fact that my intact brother chose to circ HIS sons, and so the images of tiny babes and RIC were just too real.

as time passed, the sadness has faded, and i'm glad we have what we do have. Things are good, and I do not EVER bring it up to him.

Stand strong for your DS's and mourn if you need to.

[AbbieB]

I absolutely had a period of sadness for my DH. I think it did effect my enjoyment of sex for a very short period of time (but I was also pregnant or had just had my son, can't exactly remember, so sex was wonky anyway, KWIM?

I had a real Ah-ha! moment after looking at some of the links I found here. I instantly went from a dispassionate mother of an intact son to a passionate intactavist. I think the thing that finally got me was looking at photos of what a skin bridge looks like, what a typical circ scar looks like, etc... and I realized every single adult penis I had ever seen was damaged. I cried for all of the babies that had ever had a circ and could not help feel sadness for what my DH had lost. I learned about how the foreskin works and what it looks like (I had never seen an adult with a foreskin). Then I cried some more for what DH had lost.

I got over it... without any professional help I might add. I just need time to absorb this new understanding of something that our culture treats so casually.

[CrunchyChristianMama]

This thread may help you as well. I struggled for a while with the fact that my DH was circed, but am much better about it now.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1106496

[Fellow Traveler]

I just will jump in and say that I think it's fine to feel sad or remorseful but ultimately I think it's best to put those feeling to positive use. We can't change what happened but we can make the future better. Not just by keeping your boys intact but doing what you feel comfortable doing to speak out. Try not to dwell too much on what can't really be changed.

[jeminijad]

It bothers me a bid, because it negatively (for me) affects our sex life.

Being as DH isn't sad or hurt by it, I quickly got over the "grieving" in the sense referred to in this thread.

[myk]

i feel sad when i think about it. he agrees that it was done without his permission and objects to it. i'm glad he feels that way, if we have a son he won't worry about "matching".

my nephew is circ'd and apparently slept through the whole thing. it still made me cringe to see it.

[Honey693]

It had never even crossed my mind to feel anything about DH's circed penis (well beyond the normal woo sex emotions). I honestly have no feelings about it at all except for occasionally wishing he wasn't so he wouldn't even be thinking about circ-ing any boy we may have.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Just a reminder:

In an effort to minimize language which might alienate those seeking information, we are cautious about using pejorative terms such as abuse, barbarism, mutilation, etc. when routinely discussing circumcision. Let the facts speak for themselves.

Please keep this in mind when posting.

[hakunangovi]

[QUOTE=myk;15345990]
my nephew is circ'd and apparently slept through the whole thing. /QUOTE]

I understand that this is what many of the nurses are instructed to tell the parents. However I do not believe that any baby "sleeps" through a circumcision. What is known is that many little ones go into shock - it is their coping mechanism - and therefore might appear to be sleeping.