Have Always Felt Alone, no community...now it is affecting my child

[brokenheart]

I am introverted and I have never (EVER) found it easy to make friends. It is the weirdest thing...for my entire life (beginning in kindergarten), I usually have 1 (or at the most 2) close friends and that's it. I'm not sure how that happens, but it is a pattern that repeats ad nauseam. And over and over throughout my childhood, my friend would move away.

This has continued for 35 years now. I will have 1 or 2 friends, or no friends. I had 1 "sort of" friend when I got pregnant with my DD. That friend drifted away. Then I had nobody for 3 years (and I wasn't lonely...I was too busy with a little kid). In general, my DH has been my close friend in my adult life. I can't say I've had a real best girlfriend in 15 years. UNTIL my DD started pre-school. I met another mama there and we really hit it off.

She and I hung out lots and spent lots of time chatting on the phone, at each other's houses, etc. It takes me forever to trust someone. I finally reached that stage with her. But now, 3 years later, she's drifting. I can imagine the reasons....she is an extrovert with lots of friends. Now her children are both in school and she just naturally meets other moms, etc. Since she also has a toddler, it seems very easy to meet moms at that stage. I'm just one of many friends for her. She was my only friend. Yeah, it hurts.

Now I look at my 7 year old DD and feel bad. I haven't created a community for her. Her school is small, and we drop kids off in a line (never get out of the vehicles), so there is no chance of meeting other moms. I have no idea how to meet other moms with kids that DD can play with. This summer, we have nobody to call up to invite over for a picnic. Or to join us at the park. Or to go for a walk with to the lake. I feel like a failure as a mom. I have no friends at all. I know I can still call up my other friend, but she will have to try to fit me into her busy schedule, and besides, her child is a boy and he's never really been very nice to DD. So maybe it is for the best that she's drifting away. Like before we'd talk to each other several times a week. It has been 1.5 weeks since I've even heard from her. I call her and there's no answer, and she rarely checks email. Sigh. I did gently bring it up before that we don't get to see each other much, and she just says she's so busy now, what with X and X and X and X.

My question: HOW ON EARTH do I meet nice moms with 7 year old kids? Everywhere I look (meetup, facebook, etc), it is only geared to new moms. I guess they figure by 7 you should already have your community of mom-friends in place. I suppose I'm late to the game. I've gone to the park and that doesn't work for meeting anyone. I've tried creating my own facebook group, but I can't get anyone to join. I'm feeling lonely, discouraged and guilty over here. lol

[ps4624]

Is your daughter interested in any extra curricular activities? I imagine parents who sit on the sidelines of soccer games, dance recitals and science fairs eventually end up chatting. Also, how about book clubs, girl scouts or those types of things? You could also post in your tribal area - if you're going to meet up with a perfect stranger, an MDC mama seems like a good place to start!

Really, while I agree it can be a little difficult to put yourself out there, nothing can be lost by being bold and giving it a shot. Good luck to you!

[babsbob]

Oh mama - don't be so hard on yourself. I am not really good at making friends either. I have a couple other moms I get together with occasionally but no really good friends I see all the time. I don't think it's really unusual.

I'm sure your DD doesn't feel like she is missing out. Does she have any friends at school or does she find it easy to play with other kids at the park? She is probably happy just to spend time with you when she's not at school.

But if you want to give her more opportunities to make friends (and meet other moms), you could go to story time at the library or see what kind of classes your parks and recreation offer for your DD's age group - you know - little weekend activities. Or other activities held at book stores, museums, the zoo etc. Just find out what events or activities are going on in the area where there will be lots of kids in her age group. Have you tried finding your tribal area here on MDC? I met one mom that way and still keep in touch with her. If you are in Denver - let me know!

But try not to feel guilty or bad. You are doing a great job and enjoy your time with DD before she gets to "cool" to hang out with mom! Although I hope that never happens.

[odenata]

Couldn't not post because I feel exactly like you. I had a few close friends in high school, a few close friends in college, and now that I'm an adult and SAHM, which makes it so much harder to meet people, IMO, I don't have any close friends and rely too much on DH and my sister for emotional support and friendship.

Wanted to let you know you aren't the only one feeling this way. It seems to me lots of SAHM feel isolated, but making the connections, as you say, is difficult.

Is there an email or phone list for parents at your school? I might suggest asking your dd who she would like to have a play date with, and then email the girl's parents and try to set something up. I have done this two or three times with my dd. I have to admit, I haven't made any close mom friends that way, but dd does enjoy the play dates. It's not like you can force friend chemistry to happen, I suppose.

Sometimes I wish adults could be more like kids on a playground. "Hi! Wanna be my friend?" and then two hours later, voila!, new best friend.

[lilmom]

I couldn't not respond either! My situation is a little different..my DS is 2.5, and up until the past couple of years, I never had a problem making friends. But DH and I moved to a new town, and I have not made a single friend here.

I did meet a girl I really wanted to be friends with, but she moved right after we met.

Then I found out a girl I used to go to church with in our old city was moving here, and I contacted her and tried to be her friend. She even has a son the same age as mine, and tons in common with me, but for some reason she didn't want to be friends, or didn't have time. I saw her once and that was it. I called her, emailed, etc..no replies.

I have gone to the library story time, and DS and I were the only ones there. 3 wks in a row. So I gave up on that. I have taken him to the park, and met no one.

I'm really just at a loss as to how to make friends now. I have a couple of close friends I keep in touch with, but now they are both far away and talking on the phone can even be a challenge with my little guy.

So, obviously I don't have the answer. The only other thing I can add to the pp's suggestions is possibly church? If you are involved in some type of spiritual group maybe you could make friends there?

I just had to tell you, I really hate those days when I feel like I have failed my son because I have no friends for him to play with, no friends for myself to model what friendship is..He is very outgoing. But where we live, there are no extracurricular activities that will take him without being potty trained, which he's not yet. And no mother's day out will take him because he is not vaxed.

So, here we are. Lonely. PM me if you want and tell me where you're at. Maybe we are close enough to be friends! : )

[lolar2]

DS is a lot more social than I am-- I'm not introverted, but I'm not extraverted either, and I work from home. So basically my friends, locally, are my family and the parents of whoever his friends are. I notice who he is friends with at preschool and invite them over or schedule some other playdate-- so he sees his school friends outside of school, but I don't have to be best friends with their parents, if that makes any sense, as long as we're all pleasant. I don't look for moms that I'm friends with and then try to get our kids together, I do it the other way around. That way I've made one actual friend, I'd say, and a few acquaintances who are friendly and who I could probably count on for some kind of dire emergency.

[brokenheart]

Thanks for the replies. I'm in Ontario. There shouldn't be a problem meeting friends, but of course there is for me.

My "friends" (more like long-term acquaintances) don't live near me and we make the effort to get together about once a year. But as for sharing our weekly lives with...there's nobody now that my one good friend appears to be moving on. That's the part I miss. An easy, casual, fun connection with another mom. It is so hard for me to get and I really hate that I'm losing the only one I had. I also feel angry with her, to an extent. I mean, she told me just last year that she likes lots of friends....and I said that the more friends a person seeks out, the more I feel it dilutes their current friendships because they start to get too busy to hang out. Not sure if most people feel that way or not....maybe that's why I have no friends!!

Anyway, I'll keep looking. But pretty sure after this latest friend I won't be nearly as trusting anymore. She was one person I did NOT expect to drift away. Guess I'll just keep casual aquaintance type friends forever now. I get so jealous of people who have had friends since highschool. I don't have ONE SINGLE person from when I was younger. And I'm willing...they are always the ones who move on. Maybe there really is something wrong with me and I just don't know it. From what I'm always told, I'm funny with a good sense of humor and a very loyal friend, so I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. (P.S. I'm not super clingy or needy or anything like that, so who knows)

[windsorheightsmom]

To make sure your daughter has a chance to play with friends this summer, I agree with this:

"I might suggest asking your dd who she would like to have a play date with, and then email the girl's parents and try to set something up. I have done this two or three times with my dd."

But to find friends for yourself, my number one suggestion is to start volunteering somewhere for a cause you can be passionate about. It could be an animal shelter or an environmental group or a spiritual organization or food bank or whatever. From the first day, you are guaranteed to have something in common with the other adults there. They are likely to appreciate whatever you are able to do to help. I have made some friends through serving on non-profit boards.

Also, stop beating yourself up about being an introvert. My husband is introverted and has never collected lots of friends either. There's nothing wrong with your personality type.

[momtokea]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. We live in a very isolated society and it seems a lot of moms feel this way. I, too, have trouble making friends and have drifted from a lot of friends over the years. It seems to me that friends come and go in life ALL. THE. TIME. It is a very sad situation. I understand how you are feeling. I read posts like yours a lot and I wonder where all the lonely people are in irl. I come in contact with a lot of moms irl but none of them seem lonely to me and if they are they don't seem interested in making friends or reaching out. I think your problem is a very common one.

[babsbob]

I forgot about Church - that is a built in community - if you can find one you like. Although I didn't really make friends at the one I used to go to so I don't know. It's kind of depressing to stand around after the service eating donuts and just talk to the elderly ladies who want to ask about your kids.

The volunteer idea is good too. I might do that when I get the kids in school.
I might also get a part-time weekend job though soon to make some extra cash and just get out of the house. That might be a good way to make friends and spending money.

Maybe we should have a weekly confernce call - we can call it the "Lonely Mom's club" or we could have a book club or something. Are you reading anything good right now?

[A&A]

Could you get her involved in AYSO (soccer) or Girl Scouts?

Also, you could ask her teacher for a list of names/addresses/phone #s of classmates (or have your dd get them herself from her classmates) and then invite some classmates over for a party.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by brokenheart

I mean, she told me just last year that she likes lots of friends....and I said that the more friends a person seeks out, the more I feel it dilutes their current friendships because they start to get too busy to hang out. Not sure if most people feel that way or not....maybe that's why I have no friends!!

Maybe it hurt her feelings when you said that? You're right that most people don't feel that way. I mean, plenty of people only like to have one or a few friends, but that doesn't mean they think everyone should be the same way. My mother has a huge, huge number of friends but I don't consider her to have "diluted" friendships, it's just what works for her. I wouldn't tell her she was doing it wrong, yk?

Also are you sure you are introverted? Most introverts I know don't mind having very few friends; since you are unhappy about it, perhaps you are actually an extravert with social anxiety. That actually might be worth a few sessions with a therapist to explore.

[brokenheart]

Originally Posted by babsbob

Maybe we should have a weekly confernce call - we can call it the "Lonely Mom's club" or we could have a book club or something. Are you reading anything good right now?

LOL love it. Yeah, I read MDC.

Originally Posted by lolar2

Maybe it hurt her feelings when you said that?

I didn't hurt her feelings. We weren't specifically talking about her...just in general, and I said it in a playful way (even though I actually believe it). For example: if you had 4 good friends (but they aren't all friends with each other), it would be easy to keep up those friendships. You would be able to spend time with each of your friends throughout the month, to call them, to remember special days, etc. If you had 24 "good friends", you are not going to be able to spend much time with most of them. I don't think there's anything wrong with having lots of friends, but I kind of doubt they are really strong friendships. But then again, what do I know?! Not meaning to bash anyone's way of making friends. But from experience, my good friend is no longer able to spend as much time with me because she's always going for dinner with this person, or helping out that person, or meeting so-and-so for coffee, etc etc. She doesn't invite me along, and I don't know these other friends anyway.

I'm definitely introverted. I really don't want many friends. I like being alone a lot. But it would be nice to have one or two good friends I could count on or even just to go to a movie with. But this is mostly for my daughter. I want a nice mommy friend I can hang out with that has a kid she can play with so we can all go to the zoo or to the beach, etc. I'll look at the Tribe area....

[odenata]

Originally Posted by brokenheart

I mean, she told me just last year that she likes lots of friends....and I said that the more friends a person seeks out, the more I feel it dilutes their current friendships because they start to get too busy to hang out. Not sure if most people feel that way or not....maybe that's why I have no friends!!

I'm a bit jealous of people I know with lots of friends, and who make friends easily. Lots of those friendships may be more on the casual side, but it seems like insurance to me. If one isn't available, another one probably will me. My friend list is short, and so I'm often left alone now. What I really want is one or two close friends, but those seem impossible to make at this age.

[lolar2]

Then it sounds to me as though you want two separate things: a friend for your daughter, and a friend for yourself. But you want those two separate things to come as a package deal-- that is very rare. Just speaking from my own childhood, I don't think any of my close friends had parents who were my parents' close friends; and my sister has/ had ONE close friend whose mother is close friends with my mother. But my father and this friend's father are only friendly acquaintances, and I am just barely Facebook friends with the friend's brother who is my age. That isn't to say that my parents didn't meet other parents through my school, but they didn't usually match up with the parents of my closest friends.

So for my DS's sake, I take him to play with his "best" friends from preschool, and the mothers and I have a pleasant chat but they aren't my soulmate friends FTMP. And for my sake, sometimes he plays with my best friends' kids, but he doesn't really care if he never sees them again-- doesn't request playdates with them or anything. I know sometimes it can be a package deal but in my experience it usually isn't. Maybe that's one thing that trips you up a bit.

[babsbob]

Originally Posted by lolar2

Then it sounds to me as though you want two separate things: a friend for your daughter, and a friend for yourself. But you want those two separate things to come as a package deal-- that is very rare.

Yeah - I was gonna say... It seems like it works out that you end up finding the mothers of your kid's friends really annoying or something. Or the other way around. I put DD in the preschool where my friend's DD goes. She is about a year younger and very different and DD decided she didn't really like her!!! She will play with her if we go to her house but they are not great friends.
I think you need to find friends for your own sake and let DD find her own friends.

[brokenheart]

Yes, I know I need to do that. I'll explain why I was thinking along these lines:

I met my friend when our kids were in preschool together at age 3.5/4. They were really little and they played well together. So we did lots of stuff together all the time. Fairs, the zoo, coffee houses, ice cream, long walks, the beach, each other's houses. We all got along well and it was lots of fun.

As the kids got a bit older, they started not really liking each other much. I know I'm biased, but I have definitely watched, and most of the problem is that her son is just not very nice to DD. Not sure why. He's just got a mean edge at times. SO I kind of knew our happy hang outs would end. It would obviously be so much more convenient to have a good friend who also had a 7 year old DD. I don't exactly have much time to hang out with friends without my kid.

[Callimom]

I think the only way to do it is to keep putting yourself out there. I realize that can be hard but if you want to connect its not going to fall in your lap.

Can you use the school as a starting point? Volunteer on a committee or start one, organize a mother daughter book club at school or a family games night, advertise for a book club in the newsletter, invite the family of one of your children's friends for a picnic or bbq or family after school play date.

Do you have a church you can access? If you aren't religious you might check out a UU church as an option.

Do you have neighbours? Could you organize a street party? or a kids art show or something?

Can you volunteer as a family somewhere there are other families like yours? 9food bank, nature centre, library, museum, art gallery, river clean ups etc etc)

Have you read the Mother Daughter Project? (can't get their site to open - computer is being finicky - here's an NPR story and the amazon link) You could start a club like that. There are resources on the website for starting groups and I think connecting with others who want to start groups.

Good luck!
Karen

[windsorheightsmom]

brokenheart, I have a friend whose daughter is the same age as my son, and when they were close playmates between the ages of 2 and 4 we used to do stuff together all the time. Parks, zoo, play dates at each other's houses. Then her daughter stopped wanting play dates with my son. I was hoping we would connect again when our second children (who are also close in age) were in the toddler/preschooler phase, but she wasn't ever interested in setting up play dates with me. It was disappointing, because I enjoyed her company a lot, but ultimately I agree with what others have said--it's unlikely that you will end up bonding closely with the mother of your daughter's close friend.

I would just arrange play dates for your daughter with whomever she wants to play with and seek your own friends in a different setting. I like the idea of volunteering somewhere, but you could also try finding a group devoted to a hobby you like, if you have one. I am not talented at any craft, but I know women who've made close friends at knitting circles, for example.

[babsbob]

I can see why you are grieving your friendship - You guys did get together a lot! I have never had that so I find it rather unusual.

I used to have a play group and would see my new friends about once a week but that didn't last very long and now I get together with my friends just every once in a while. Maybe more in the summer. I never had somebody to go to fun stuff with our kids all the time. They either work or our kids are in school.

I hope you can find someone to hang out with and go do fun things again. You may need to lower your expectations just a tad though because people are so busy with their families that it might be hard to find a friend like that again. But know you are lucky to have had such a good friend during a time when you both had the opportunity to have fun and hang out a lot.