What's a proper response?

[cristeen]

I know what I said at the time, but I have a feeling that it will be repeated at a later date, and would like to have something a little more forceful on hand to respond with.

So my grandmother has made no bones about the fact that she does not care for LO's name. When I was still pregnant she felt compelled to tell me what I "should" name him - her favorite names - Wallace or Howard. I mean, really? You had your shot 60 years ago, and now you're gonna try to tell me what to name my kid?

Anyway, I laughed it off at the time, but when we told her his name, she just kinda paused and then had a distasteful "oh" to say.

Last time we were up there, I was nursing the babe, and my aunt and uncle were visiting (grandma's brother and SIL), and grandma felt compelled to tell them in front of me and the baby that she just doesn't like his (first) name. That his middle name is so much prettier and she doesn't know why I picked that. Aunt and Uncle had no idea how to respond really, since Aunt was just saying how nice his name was - so I just said something to the effect of "yes, you've made your opinion clear on that matter" and just let the subject drop.

But really, what more could I have said? I'm not wanting to alienate her, but at the same time I don't want little boy growing up thinking his grandma hates his name - his name is part of his identity...

Help?

[prone_to_wander]

My grandmother was convinced that my parents were spelling my brother's name wrong from the get go. So everything he ever recieved from her had this alternative spelling on it. It was ridiculous and because a huge family joke.

But as long as she is being so ridiulous, I'd just tell her off. Probably nicely. But I'd also mention that you don't want to hear anything about it again. It is his name. Suck it up. If she wants a Howard...she can got through another 9 months gestation herself. Your strech marks entitle you to pick the name you like.

[staceychev]

nak

Would it help to have another family member say something? My mom was being snide (and self-centered, I might add) about my daughter's name. My sister called and was really direct about how out of line and hurtful she was being. My mom was so wrapped up in how she felt that she didn't consider how I felt, and my sister's call made her see this. She apologized and hasn't said anything since.

[jeteaa]

I find that is so much difference btw our generation and our grandparents that there is NO changing them. True, it is a bit rude of her to say what she is saying, but it is her opinion. To her his name is like "Harold" to us.....

[CarrieMF]

I think what you said is fine. Saying anything else isn't going to change her mind. I'd ignore it from now on. If she's over 70, I'm sure she'll soon find something else to complain about.lol

[limabean]

I would just repeat what you already said if it comes up again.

[sleepingbeauty]

I agree with limabean. Something like that and that you'd prefer not to have to hear it again. "You named yours, I named mine." lol

Good luck!

[bnhmama]

Ohhhhh. The old grandma doesn't like the name bit. Yes, I've been down this road alright.

DH's grandma wanted us to name our child Robert Lee. Nevermind that this is nothing like our naming style. Nevermind that we didn't like it. With the dynamics in that family the way they are, the grandma and the FIL both fully expected to be able to bully us into doing exactly what they wanted with everything in regards to any children we had. The name situation has the distinction of being the first in a LONG string of things we did OUR own way, ignoring their input and pissing them off royally. So it's a bit famous for us.

My ds is named Brett. Dh's grandma HATED his name. When we told her she yelled "Brett?!" like it was the most horrifying thing she'd ever heard. When he was born, she either didn't use his name at all or called him Brent. I bit my tongue for awhile but when it continued, I began to get pretty pissy because she was abolutely doing it on purpose. There are a million other boundary issues so one day when my ds was 2ish, I'd had enough. She called to him from across the table at a family dinner. "Brent! Bre-ent!"

I said through gritted teeth. "His name is BRETT." She ignores me (she heard me for sure) then goes on about her meal. Later again. "Brent! Hey Brent!" Me "HIS NAME IS BRETT!!!" Her response? "I KNOW that. I don't LIKE IT!" Cue exploding vein in my forhead.

Normally, I'd say just say your piece and move on, reminding her gently each time it comes up. But with people like dh's g-ma, they are CONSTANT boundary pushers and are endlesslly looking for that way to weasel in and maniuplate you. With them, for me anyhow, I crack down and don't let them have their way. It's just completely disrespectful.

[TeaJunkie]

I think that you responded very well! If she brings it up again, just let her know it's not up for discussion. She's entitled to her feelings, but she needs to understand that they will get her nowhere on this issue.

My IL's can't stand that DS's middle name is my dad's name. We didn't share names until after he was born so no one could have a say until it was written on the birth certificate. They still feel that DS should have something of their side of the family in his name (they never brought this up before he was born or named). We always tell them that he has their last name. They still aren't over it and he's more than two now. They will probably never be over it, which is fine by me as long as I (or DS) never have to hear about it. Only DH gets an earful.

[A&A]

"It's not about you. Your opinion is irrelevant in this matter."

[briome]

I have simliar conversations with my 85+ year old grandmother. What works with her is asking her how she came up with the names for her own children, if anyone had any comments on them, what they were like as babies etc....

It is often true that getting people to talk about themselves really takes the burden and conflict off of you!

Good luck with that (and Howard is my second son's middle name, my grandfather's middle name he he)

[Smokering]

A friend pulled the same stunt about DD's name (Rowan). She called her "Ro-ANNE" the first time we met, and when I corrected her she said "Really? [My boss] told me it was Rowan, but I said "No, they wouldn't do that!"". I was too flabbergasted to give a response, whereupon she said "I guess it's some Lord of the Rings thing, right?" Complete with scorn as withering as if I'd named the kid Undomiel Tinuviel Galadriel. I sort of stammered a bit and said it was Anglo-Saxon, but there was a hobbit called Rowan mentioned in the Appendices of LOTR, but that I hadn't found that out until she was already named... and she snapped "Well, there you go then", clearly ignoring the parts of my monologue which indicated it wasn't a purely LOTR fangirl choice.

Anyway.

The next time we met, a few months later, we went through the same conversation again. Complete with "Ro-ANNE" and "I bet that's a Lord of the Rings name" and obvious disapproval.

I don't really see that friend any more. I mean, fine, she doesn't have to like the name. My sister-in-law and one of my sisters didn't like it either - but at least they had the good grace not to mention it for a year or two!

Hopefully your grandmother feels she's made her point by now, but if she says something again I would speak up. I think it's a really vicious way to disempower parents, frankly. I used to watch a boy whose grandparents hated his name so much they wouldn't call him by name until he was two. His parents were young (like, 17) and it seemed like a really obvious way to tell them "We don't respect you as parents and think you fail at something as basic as baby-naming". If you want to be polite, beam and say "That's one of the things I love about being a parent - we get the right to choose a name we love! I'm trying to use up all the names I love so I won't fret about his baby name choices when he grows up."

[lovepiggie]

Before DS was born, I was discussing my name choices with my MIL. We had thought that if it was a boy, we would call him 'Rowan Hendrix', and if it was a girl 'Enya Maeve'.

I told her the name, and there was a long pause, and then she said "Well, I'm sure I'll love them no matter what their name was". Which I thought was a pretty nice way of telling me she didn't like my name choices. But I loved them, and now that DS is born, and named, she seems to like it too.

But I agree with what other people are saying - she had her chance, you named your child, and it's your choice.

[Subhuti]

I don't know the age of the grandma in question. but just remember that memory issues and stubborness seems to skyrocket with age, no fault of their own really ... and that feeds into it. Lapses and reactions are part of that too. It may take much longer for them to accept. And more patient reminding.

Liz

[jillmamma]

Originally Posted by CatskillMtnMama

I don't know the age of the grandma in question. but just remember that memory issues and stubborness seems to skyrocket with age, no fault of their own really ... and that feeds into it. Lapses and reactions are part of that too. It may take much longer for them to accept. And more patient reminding.

Liz

:

I know with my mom sometimes the filter for not saying everything exactly how you think is not there.

[lilyka]

Ya know, if it were my grandma....I would just tell her "ok I get it. You do not like his name. Why don't you come up with a cutsy nick name to call him, something that is all yours, and you two can have your own special name" and then ask her to not mention again how much she hates it since she does not have to use it. Grtandmas time here is probably short and you want the relationship she has with you and her great grandchild to be sweet and special. This is not a hill worth dying on.

I was hell bent on people using the names I had sp painstakenly picked out for my dd. 13 years later I have come to the conclusion that no one relaly cares what i think, everyone has their own names for my kids, and my kids encourage this. Nick names foster closeness and so long as they are nice and loving foster a sense of closeness and intamacy. And at the end of the day, my grandma had a special nickname for me that drove my mom nuts but once I learned why my she called me that I wouldn';t have traded that for anything. as a matter of fact...it almost became my 3rd childs given name. It was that special. I am glad my grandma won that one.even if it annoyed my mom and would have annoyed me if I had been in my moms shoes.

[NightOwlwithowlet]

OT. My grandmother insisted on calling my son by his middle name because she hated his first name. I let it slide because she was 89 when he was born and we saw twice a year. When DS was older, he corrected her himself, "My name is S., not Joe." Eventually, he'd just reply "Not my name," every time she called him by the wrong name. "Not my name" became her nick name for him and it was a joke between them. She died three years ago and it's really the only memory he has of her.

On topic, with my SIL, I gently corrected her each and every time she referred to me by a nick name I detested. Then, I started answering by calling her by her sister's name. I know it was very PA. She stopped after the third or fourth time. DS refuses to answer to a certain nickname. He will steadfastly ignore anyone who calls him by that nickname.

[Super~Single~Mama]

My grandma hated my name originally. She wanted my mom to name me Tiffany or Shannon. Umm...No thanks. I like my name better (its a family name, and is the female version of Thor - I think its pretty awesome!)

She called me T until I was 4. I don't remember it. I didn't even know until I was in college when my dad let it slip.

I would tell her that you like his name, that you think its perfect, and if she doesn't like it she can give him a nice nickname.

[madskye]

We named my daughter Madeline after my husband's grandma, and her response?

"Oh! Why would you give such a beautiful baby such an ugly, oldfashioned name??!! You should have named her something modern like Linda or Susan."

She still says it's an ugly name but I just let it go--she's 92.

[Joyster]

When I told my mom that if I had a girl, I'd name her Victoria, she said "Victoria, that is sooo old fashioned. Oh, I'll just call her Vicky." I said, "fine, but I'll teach her to call you Betty Anne." She has never bothered me on a name again.

In this case, I'd either let it go due to her age, or just continue saying what you've said in the past. Your LO will learn that G. Grandma's name preference and her insistence on being vocal about it, is not very polite or significant.