gender stereotypes- 4 yo DS

[alicia622]

DS has always been attracted to sparkles and other 'girly' things. We have been fine with most of this although I don't let him buy and wear dresses/girly shoes... He does have quite a few dolls, pink toys, and dress up clothes as well as a small kit of kid makeup. The other day he and DH went to Chuck E Cheese and DS chose to trade his tickets in for a bottle of sparkly nail polish which DH applied to his fingers and he has had on for a few days.

Yesterday, Nana (mid 70's and very conservative) was watching DS in the afternoon. That evening he told me that Nana wouldn't let him wear his princess dress when he wanted to put it on. I asked him if she told him why and he said no, I think she was just being mean. When I mentioned this to DH he said, I wonder what she said about the nail polish.

I have talked with her many times about the fact that it is okay for DS to like and play with 'girl' stuff and have told her doing this won't 'make him gay' and if he is gay, well that's who he will be and I am fine with that. I know she doesn't buy this and she thinks we are making him gay by letting him do these things

(I hope the above isn't offensive- I don't know how else to explain and I don't care if he is gay or straight- I want him to be happy and comfortable with who he is)

I told DH that he needs to talk to her as she is his mother and I have tried to talk with her about this. He doesn't want to as she won't change and this will just make her upset. She watches DS for a few hours on Friday and will be spending a short time with him on M and W during May and June. We like having Nana as babysitter but at the same time, I don't want DS to be stiffled while with her. I figure he will be forced to conform to gender stereotypes soon enough- I'd like to let him enjoy his freedom and innocence for as long as he can- without family making him feel bad about his choices.

Any ideas on how I can handle this?

[lucysmom]

I don't see much to lose in having a heart to heart with Nana and saying, look, we don't expect you necessarily to change your own views, but we would really appreciate it if you would respect that ours are different on this issue. It's confusing for DS to get one set of rules from us & another from you. Just like I would hope you wouldn't let him eat dessert before dinner if that was one of our rules, I would appreciate it if you could lighten up on enforcing gender expectations.

She may not agree, but it seems like it does no harm to ask.

Wanted to add that your DH should be commended for applying the nail polish in Chuck E Cheese. Really kind of a revolutionary act!

[fiorio]

I agree that your DH should talk to his mother and explain that you don't limit DS's interests and ask that she do the same without judgement when she is taking care of him.

You may want to start bringing up gender expectations with your DS too. He will be getting the "that's for girls" crap from other people as he gets older, and I think it would be helpful for him to discuss it with you and DH beforehand. My DS is 5 and he has always liked playing with dolls, dress-up, etc. as well as the typical boy stuff. I have talked with him before about that some people think there are things only boys or girls should like and how that is silly. Now he is pretty confident about his interests even if an older kid at the playground tells him something like "only girls play with dolls".

Edit: I wanted to add I think it is AWESOME that your DH put nail polish on his son. He is a good daddy!

[zinemama]

My 4yo was very similar. He wore a dress the entire summer he was four (looked adorable, too!). My mother kind of gave me the hairy eyeball at first. But she got used to it. I agree that a talk with your mom is in order. I think you're going to get best results using the "it's confusing to have different rules" approach, rather than getting into a big philosophical discussion.

If that doesn't work, there's always asking sweetly, "Did you appreciate parenting advice about dh from your mother-in-law, Nana?"

Or: "You had your chance to raise dh the way you wanted without interferance; now it's our turn."