adopted child article

[pumpkingirl71]

http://www.slate.com/id/2250590/

Anyone else read this story? I heard this mom on NPR. While I think it is a valuable article, it made me sad that she (and NPR) compared the pretty typical attachment struggle of a toddler to child who most likely had RAD. Makes me think I should write an article from the point of view of a mom who has mild to moderate attachment problems. I feel like my husband summed up our lives this morning while we were debriefing about a really difficult moment with our daughter's behavior and how none of our friends understand us. He said "Why can't anyone understand we are in a constant fight with ourselves not to put our daughter on a plane to Russia." I think that the author's description of fantasizing about a magic undo button is a better description.

[RedOakMomma]

Wow. I don't agree with that article AT ALL. What she describes with her child is a lot like what we experienced with dd...there were times, especially at the beginning, when we wanted an undo button.

But what SHE was like was not what this Russian boy was (probably) like. And what WE did and thought was nothing like what Ms. Hansen did, or thought to do.

The difficult adjustment she describes her child having, and what we experienced, is in the range of normal for a child who is adopted at a toddler age. We don't know what really happend with the Russian boy, but given his age at addoption, the story of his past, and the actions of his mom, I suspect that there was a lot going on that was outside the range of normal. I don't think the author or I could fairly make comparisons between our adoption experience and theirs.

Likewise, since we know so little, it's hard to say how "normal" or even understandable Ms. Hansen's actions were. Did she only suffer from optimism, as the author suggests? That seems...well...optimistic. Something pretty drastic must have been happening mentally or emotionally in Ms. Hansen for her to have made the decision she did.

I appreciate that this author was willing to discuss that not all adoptions are easy, and that when a child comes home it's not the happy ending, the sudden mutual falling in love, that our culture likes to pretend it is. But that's about as much as I can appreciate from this article.

I experienced, and still experience, a very slow attachment with our daughter and a very rough beginning. That doesn't mean I can say or understand what was going on in Ms. Hansen's family, or what parents with RAD-affected children experience. I can get a hint at the darker emotions and motivations, but that's about it.

And no matter what, I still can't understand (or condone) a person who seriously harms a child because as a parent they're not adult enough to seek out help. That goes for extreme abuse, neglect, murder...and sending your child off on a plane to face goodness knows what in his future. There are ways out of every situation, especially in new adoptions, and in my mind sending your child away on a plane is not a reasonable action. It's a fantasy, but not a course of action. I can forgive the fantasy, but that's about it.

[swd12422]

As the very lucky parent of a little boy who was adopted from foster care and who has no apparent attachment issues, I found this article completely awful. I know that many adoptive families can relate b/c they were in similar situations, and I researched my eyes out before our adoption b/c I was certain from all that I'd read that we'd have to deal with RAD or other attachment issues. My heart goes out to everyone who is struggling with these issues.

We had similar adjustment issues (but definitely not to the same extent described in the article) when DS came home. It was a hard adjustment to suddenly be a mother, and I felt so alone. Everyone kept telling me how happy I must be, and I wasn't. I was scared @#$* less. Apparently there's always some level of trouble with bonding at least at first, but no one ever told me that.

Now all I see when I read that article is my son stumbling across it one day and thinking that this is the truth for all adopted children. Their parents can't love them, and there's a huge chance that they will be shipped back to where they came from. It terrifies me that he will think this someday. I'm already dreading having to explain the delicate details of why he was adopted to begin with. I don't need articles like this to make things even worse in his head. It strikes me as sensationalist and unnecessarily negative.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by swd12422

It strikes me as sensationalist and unnecessarily negative.

That is interesting to me. I see this article as a little too sunshiny, but I guess I can see your point too. As the mom of child who has been struggling to attach to us for four years, I see this story as sunshine and rainbows, but put in a negative light. One tough year is nothing to me. We have four down and no light at the end of the tunnel.

[swd12422]

I need to apologize for my post... I did it hastily (how else, with a 2-year-old tearing up the place while I type?) and realized later that I probably left out a lot of context.

I hope no one thinks I am downplaying the difficulties of attachment and bonding issues. I'm definitely not. I can't speak from experience, but I'm not dumb. I know it has to be heartbreaking and a difficult struggle every single day. What I didn't like about the article is that it implies that this is how EVERY adoption is. And I don't know. Maybe every international/older child adoption is. I have no way to say it is or it isn't. But not every adoption is. And there is no distinction made (not particularly clearly, IMO) between the international adoption of an older child who possibly has RAD and any other adopted child.

And it just made it seem like it was completely understandable what this woman did. Yes, she had a hard time. But how many people here have kids with any range of issues who maybe talk amongst themselves just to vent but would NEVER consider "sending 'em back." It just makes it so casual, as if none of us had to stand up in court and promise to love our children and treat them as if they'd come from our own bodies.

Maybe I'm just too much of a traditionalist, but that is not a promise I would make lightly, or ever break. No matter what. It's not the child's fault he had issues. As the mother, it was her job to help him through. Even if that means raising him, keeping him physically healthy, and then letting him move out on his own when he's 18, never to look back b/c he never formed a bond with her. But she never gave him any part of a chance to even get that far.

Sorry. The more I type, I know the deeper in I'm getting myself.

Okay, just one more thing: I see what you mean, pumpkingirl. Maybe that's what is bothering me. The article kinda just glosses over what it means to have attachment issues with a "Oh, it's hard, I know.... But hopefully we'll make it through..." It doesn't provide enough context or detail or background info on bonding issues to be a complete article. And that it's in the mainstream, as opposed to an adoption mag or something, you'd think it would have more info, since it can't be assumed the audience has any knowledge or experience with any aspect of adoption, attachment disorders, or raising children.

Okay, I think I'm done. I know I've still left out a lot, but I don't want my foot any further into my mouth, thankyouverymuch.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by swd12422

I hope no one thinks I am downplaying the difficulties of attachment and bonding issues. I'm definitely not.

I did not think you were downplaying I just thought it was interesting that we disliked the article for similar reasons, but expressed it very differently

[Tigerchild]

Hmmmm, I didn't see the author as comparing them so much as saying there's a spectrum of adjustment issues.

Aside from her seeming to give Hansen a pass (which I'm not entirely sure was intentional), I actually appreciated the article. If for no other reason than voicing that there are struggles not uncommonly, and experession of frustration at the mythology that the adoption journey ENDS at adoption.

It's true that many parents (either through PPD or our kids reaching the pushing button stages) may be able to *empathize* with the desire to shut the child up by any means necessary or even violence and killing. But most people do NOT make that *choice*. I totally understand that normal, kind, awesome parents do sometimes genuinely long for an "undo" button. Hell, I've wanted that sometimes with my bio kids. But the thing is, MOST people do not ship their adopted kid back to their country of origin with a letter. MOST people do not kill their children. The ones that decide to step over the line frankly should be held accountable for their choices.

I really am starting to get pissed off at the media backlash against this child, to be honest. Oh, I know lots of people are feeling bad for the "poor mom" who's be villianized over this, but some of the subsequent coverage and articles I've been reading have essentially said that the child just "shouldn't have worn that dress" if you catch my meaning.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

Hmmmm, I didn't see the author as comparing them so much as saying there's a spectrum of adjustment issues.

I should have been more clear, that was more NPR that made the comparison.

[Tigerchild]

Ugh, I'm glad I didn't hear the NPR piece then.

[mamarhu]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

But the thing is, MOST people do not ship their adopted kid back to their country of origin with a letter. MOST people do not kill their children. The ones that decide to step over the line frankly should be held accountable for their choices.

I really am starting to get pissed off at the media backlash against this child, to be honest. Oh, I know lots of people are feeling bad for the "poor mom" who's be villianized over this, but some of the subsequent coverage and articles I've been reading have essentially said that the child just "shouldn't have worn that dress" if you catch my meaning.

my bolding

Exactly. I can be angry without being violent or abusive. I can feel like giving up, but not do it. I can want to run away, and yet I stay. The list goes on. My behavior is my responsibility, regardless of how justified my emotions might be. This is what it means to be an adult in a civilized society. Or, more specifically, this is what it means to be a mother.

[Sierra]

One thing I have realized is that it is not a good idea to open up this forum with my child who has learned to read sitting nearby. Any chance you could edit the title of this thread just a little?

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by Sierra

One thing I have realized is that it is not a good idea to open up this forum with my child who has learned to read sitting nearby. Any chance you could edit the title of this thread just a little?

Sure, I will try. My kids don't read yet, so I thought the title of the article would be best. Duh. Sorry.

[Sierra]

Thanks! I think the title of the thread attracted deserved attention, so it totally makes sense. As for my daughter, I think I scrolled down before she actually read past the "I do..." but it is helpful not to have to keep looking over my shoulder . It just feels to big to put into a helpful context for her at her age.

[kcstar]

I'm curious if anyone else wants to explore the comparisons of this with what happened when Nebraska's "Moses law" first went into effect? Before they closed the loophole?

(Here's a blog entry about it:
http://julieshapiro.wordpress.com/20...s-in-nebraska/
Her facts don't quite match my memory, and this is written while the "up to age 18" loophole was still in place.)

[Polliwog]

I don't think the two situations compare at all.

[RedOakMomma]

It might compare somehow, in that the under-18 Moses law (as I recall) would have allowed the adoptive mom to drop off her child for foster care placement rather than sending him on a plane back to Russia.

On the other hand, this mother HAD an "out." She could have called up her agency and said she wanted to pursue a disruption. Abandonment wasn't the only option. It's just the one she chose.

[Lollybrat]

Originally Posted by Sierra

Thanks! I think the title of the thread attracted deserved attention, so it totally makes sense. As for my daughter, I think I scrolled down before she actually read past the "I do..." but it is helpful not to have to keep looking over my shoulder . It just feels to big to put into a helpful context for her at her age.

Heck, I'm an adult adoptee and I had a strong emotional reaction to the previous title of the thread. I can imagine how upsetting it could be for a young child to read.

OP - Thanks for changing the title.

Personally, I found the whole article troubling. The author raises some good points. Our society seems to love fairy-tale adoption stories, especially when celebrities adopt. But most people don't want to hear about the messy stuff in adoption: the heartache all members of the triad experience, the situations that go bad, the dark secrets, and personal tragedies.

But in my mind, nothing will ever excuse how Ms. Hansen put a young child on a plane and sent him away forever.

[queencarr]

The only thing I think the Nebraska Law and adoption disruption have in common is that when there are no other options to exhaust and this parent is not the best for this child (and is therefore dangerous or whatever), the further I get into adoption and talk to other parents, the more I can see the need for disruption at times. Ten years ago, I would not have been so empathetic. Because our system is not always set up to support parents without terminating parental rights, I can see that as a similar situation. IIR, the Nebraska family, in addition to being overwhelmed was suffering severe financial issues as well. I guess another similarity I see is that apparently the proper other supports were not in place for these families (or in the case of the Russia child--not accessed for some reason?), that made things build up and up until the parents were overwhelmed, and disruption of the family relationship was seen as the best option. I think this point to a failure of our society and culture to support others, and our ingrained idea that we have to succeed on our own. I don't know that these thought directly apply to the Russian situation, more in general. I suspect this woman had access to help and chose not to get it for whatever reason. Maybe that succeed on your own thing, or a sense of shame, or??? The big difference I see is that the Nebraska law was designed to allow parents to surrender children safely, and putting a young child on an international flight to be met by strangers and was not even expected is not.

With this article--I can appreciate how the author shares how miserable it was at first. I admit to not sharing our story about Isaac's transition as openly as I probably should, so as not to scare others But I think the difference is that even though I didn't like the way things were, and we had personality clashes, and I was not the person he wanted, I still loved him. Just didn't like a lot of the baggage surrounding him. I was prepared for "issues" and even some attachment difficulties, based on some health info I had read (our ped was concerned about FTT that we attributed to grieving after moving foster homes), I was well read, I had adopted before, my research in undergrad was attachment related!, but I still was not expecting the massive sleep deprivation, damage to my health, or the sheer long-term aspect of it all. We didn't start to see light until close to the one year home mark. I am still dealing with health fallout. But we talked with our SW (probably should have more, but I was in that irrational state somewhat as well and didn't even necessarily know waht to share or ask), and called on all our friends to jump in. I used babysitters way earlier because we needed breaks from the intensity of each other. I had a friend who would sit up with me and sing as we held him crying.all.night.long. I prayed--a lot, and was very open about asking others to pray. We didn't do formal counseling, but I have several counselor friends, and so did lots of informal. I have defnintely learned to ask for help, quickly and easily

[Tigerchild]

The NE story compares only if we assume that Nebraska institutionalizes all their kids in care or some other damaging, neglectful thing, and a parent from some other state comes and adopts a kid from NE to save them, but when they can't deal with it any more, instead of persuing services that are available where they live in, say, Montana, where the kids are not institutionalized and the government makes at least SOME token effort to help the children in their care, and they'd have access to mental health services as a foster child, ect. the parents put the child on a greyhound bus to Nebraska in the middle of the night, pay a cabbie to dump them off in front of the governor's mansion with a note declaring backsies.

Even under the NE law, PARENTS had to have the gonads to drop off their own children. They couldn't pay a cabbie to do it. They had to be open with what they were doing too, otherwise they would face charges of child abandonment. It did not, in fact, give no parameters for acceptable relinquishment of the children--they were in place. There were acceptible places and acceptible people to transfer them to. And say what you will about foster care here, it's a far cry from institutionalization for most kids, well, for the under 18 crowd anyway.

What Hansen did would not be permissable by NE standards either, if I'm reading that law correctly. You still can't have someone OTHER than the parent get rid of the kid(s).

[queencarr]

TC, thank you. I got focused on the disruption aspect, and not the horrible way she did it.