4.5 yo freaking out when people talk to him

[applecider]

How do I handle this? Anytime someone comes over or we go somewhere and someone (anyone, could even be a grandparent that he loves) if they say hi to him or talk to him in anyway, he SCREAMS, "NOOOOOOO" or "STOOOOOOOOOOOP". And then I say, "ds we don't scream at people" and he says, "I don't want him say that!!!!" (still screaming).

I can understand needing some time to warm up to people and he usually does come around eventually (though not always) but I am just at my wits end with him. I find it very rude and disrespectful to treat people this way. I have tried giving him other options to say like, "I don't want to talk right now" or just to turn his head away if he doesn't want someone talking to him. Sometimes he will tell me beforehand that he doesn't want anyone talking to him or he doesn't want grandma to ask him about xyz, but I say I can't control what people are going to say to him! Also, sometimes I say, you can stay in the other room or the car or something until you are ready to have people talk to you.

It is annoying the CRAP out of me!! He is just so rude! Even daddy sometimes will get yelled at. Other kids are yelled at. Frankly, anytime things are not going his way, he freaks out and starts screaming. If he gets hurt and anyone but me asks if he's ok, he screams bloody murder. If I tell him I love him and he doesn't want to hear it, he screams at me.

Now, I now I am probably partly to blame in this because I can be quite the yeller. I know that is something I need to work on. Plus, his screaming triggers some kind of deep down reaction in me that I just want to freak out on him. So we both need to tone down the screaming/disrespecting.

So . Please.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

DD is 5.25 and just now starting to respond to "could you please rephrase that" said very calmly and gently. I think she has some auditory sensitivities and it really does seem to "hurt" to experience certain unexpected verbalizations. The rude voice, screaming responses, etc were triggered so fast that she didn't seem to have time to think of or process another response.

Honestly, I think this is one of those things that maturity resolves... its painful to everyone in the meantime. I think you are doing all the right things: trying to help him make his environment more predictable, giving him options for removing himself, etc. If its really an issue, you might try letting him have some headphones and music when guests are over or when he seems particularly sensitive (but if he's like my DD, music wasn't very helpful and was kind of just more noise to process).

[Just1More]

It sounds like more than a rude issue to me. Something about it seems to scare/confuse/hurt him. Sometimes kids get a word or phrase, or mannerisms mixed up. Could he be taking it wrong? Like, when someone else offers him help when he is hurt, does his mind automatically assume they will take him from you to provide it (to another room, for example). Maybe his strong reaction is from deep-seated fear?

Another option is to role-play, and practice what to do in new situations.

Another idea is to completely prep him for what will happen. So and so will say this, you should say that, and then we will all go into the living room and sit down. You can play with your trucks while I talk to Grandma, and then we will have supper. Grandma is making spaghetti.

If you feel that this is for sure a rudeness problem, and not something else, I would include a what will happen to him if he screams/yells/is rude to the person. Like, "Grandma will say hi, then you should x, or y. If you are rude and (I would explicitly define what he may NOT do), you will have to sit in the kitchen (or whatever) while we visit. I cannot let you be rude to her." And then continue with the plan of the day. Cheerful, upbeat, matter of fact.

If he is rude, then I would say, "I'm sorry you chose to be rude. Let's go to the kitchen (or whatever)." Matter of fact, calmly.

..................................................

Okay, I just went back and reread your post. I would not tolerate screaming. Maybe you could work on it with him. Something like...put a mason jar full of dimes on top of the refrigerator. Everytime you speak nicely instead of screaming, put one in the jar on the counter. Everytime you scream (either one of you), take one out and put it back in the jar on the fridge. As soon as you get enough dimes in the "talk nicely jar" go get an ice cream cone together to reward yourselves for breaking this bad habit. (Or some other way...I dunno.) Slowly up the amount it takes for the reward as the habit becomes more ingrained.

"Ds, we both have this bad habit of screaming when we are unhappy. Let's work together to both stop doing it. I have a plan to help. You know, lots of times people get into bad habits, and they need help to stop. This is great practice for when you are a grown-up and need to help yourself break a bad habit, just like Mama is doing now. This is going to be hard, but I know we can do it. And I want ice cream! So...this is how it works..."

[mom2grrls]

Perhaps during this time you could talk to your friends/family and ask them to let your son say the first words rather than them coming up to talk to him right away. As for public places, perhaps you or dh could go shopping alone for a while. I like the idea of roleplaying at home in a calm manner to help him respond to others with less screaming.