Need advice on whether to take 10 mo old to a "formal" funeral.

[Beauchamp]

DH and I are totally undecided and I really need some help to decide whether my DD and I should go to this funeral or stay home.

Here's the (hopefully quick) background:

DH has to go because it's his 94 yr-old grandmother. DH's father is VERY intolerant of babies and kids. (For example, he LEFT our wedding after less than an hour because one of his other grandkids, a 5 yr old boy, was being loud. Later he told me this boy is the "worst kid he's ever seen" and he hates being around him, his first grandson.) So basically he and DH's step mom will be "disgusted" if DD is loud, squeals, makes any noise whatsoever, requires DH to tend to her (they believe it's the mom's job...FIL will expect DH to hold full conversations with him as if DD and I are not there.)

There is a wake at night with a dinner following, then the funeral the next day, a drive to the cemetery for the burial, then a lunch following that. The main day is 11-12:30 for the funeral/burial, which is when DD should take her first nap, maybe. And I'm sure her style of eating (loud and messy) at the fancy restaurant will make them upset, too.

I also should add that we have been told this is a "full, formal, Southern funeral." (I am from NY, so have no clue what this means.) Oh, and they totally disapprove of co-sleeping, BFing, babywearing, cloth dipes. Literally ALL of the things we do. My step-MIL has told me flat out that cloth dipes are "a bad idea", that my DD "should be sleeping in a room down the hall" that our cosleeping is a boundary violation, and that she doesn't like when I carry DD in "that thing" (the Ergo). They have no clue about AP and don't care what a pain it is for us to travel with a LO.

But all that said...I was intending to go to support DH at his grandmother's funeral. We've been talking about him going alone to avoid the disdain from FIL and step-MIL.

So should I stay or should I go???


p.s. we have to fly to get there, two legs each way.

oh, and ETA that if I don't go, they will probably talk about me behind my back and "disapprove" of me in general.

[Lilygoose]

Unless your DH really, and i mean really, needs your support, I'd stay home. If that's a dealbreaker for him then he needs you and you should go to give him support. But it sounds like this trip may expect too much out of your DD and you both as parents and could cause problems (with the in-laws) that might add stress instead of your support making it better for your DH.

[texaspeach]

It doesn't sound like you were close to the deceased so I wouldn't go.

[texaspeach]

oh and about them talking about you - you know they're going to whether you are there or not. we have people like that in my family. they are miserable people with little joy in life except to critique the live of others. don't worry about that, it isn't your problem.

[liliaceae]

I'm usually all for bringing babies to family members' funerals, but in this case I would stay home.

[Carhootel]

I would definitely not go - it sounds like trouble waiting to happen. I would imagine that even if your DH was very close to his grandmother that you could give him adequate support (considering she was 94 and you would be with him except for the day of the funeral +travel) from and at home. His family doesn't sound like people you want to be around and vice versa, no point in putting yourself in the snake pit. I hope your dh is able to focus on mourning his grandmothers passing and not have to put up with hearing any disapproval of your lifestyle or you.

[Beauchamp]

OP here! Just wanted to add that tonight DH mentioned to step-MIL that I might not go due to FIL's intolerance, and she kept repeating that it was DH's decision to make, that if I had to leave the funeral with DD due to noise that "that's what mom's do", and that they would be disappointed if I didn't come because they were looking forward to seeing me and DD.

This is kind of her way, however, to breezily say that something is okay, and make it sound nice, and then a month later she tells DH how slighted they feel, how we disrespected them, etc, etc. For example, when told that DD's first birthday party will be at DH's mom's house (in Ohio) they got mad and said, "Of course, you'd never plan a party that Beauchamp's mom couldn't come to." (WTF??) And also, "You plan every single event up on the Canadian Border so we can't go." (My family is from Western New York, USA, not Canada.) I think this is a crack that I am the farthest thing from the "Old South". This is a woman who frequently talks about the Civil War and uses the term "we" to tell me how things were then. Last time she visited at our house, she said, after knowing full well that I went to Catholic school from 1st grade through college, that Catholic schools are "pretty much the same as public schools." The time before that was my birthday weekend, and when DH brought out my candle-lit cake, she and FIL didn't even sing. They just sat there. They were "more than mildly insulted" that we didn't tell them about DD's baptism. (It happened to be also the same weekend as another grandchild's baptism that they were conducting (they are Episcopal priests) so we KNEW they'd be out of town when we found out what date our godmother could travel and get time off. Oh, and they also slapped on the claim that we didn't tell them DD was born until 2 days after. (Ask my DH how many voicemails he left them!!!)

Thanks for the vent, ladies! I totally don't want to go because of all the reasons you mentioned. But for some reason DH and I keep thinking we should make it work and just try to ignore FIL. We're worried that we'll be stressed out though and will take it out on each other, when it should be directed at the in-laws.

And yes, it is sad that this is what we are focusing on, since I know DH will miss his grandmother so much. We did (oddly enough) just get back from a trip to see her last weekend right before she died. DH got to hold her hand, tell her he loves her, tell her (remind her) he has a daughter and that we brought her with us to see her. It was so good for him to see her one last time and be the last family member to see her. (She was in a nursing home a few states away from FIL (her only son)

I hate that they make me feel this way! Why do I let it bother me?

[Bokonon]

I would absolutely not go. Have your DH mention several times that you wish you could be there and send your condolences, but it really sounds like you are much better off not going.