what to tell people about paternity...

[danjelle]

Hi everyone!

I thought maybe someone would have some suggestions on how to deal with this new dilemma. I am 9 weeks pregnant to a KD who is also one of my best friends. There was a long road of at home inseminations to get me to my current state. We had talked about how we weren't going to tell anyone who the father of my baby was - it was going to be a secret, and only I was originally going to know.

After one of our inseminations, I told him that I was going to start looking for a new donor as I had decided that I wanted to be able to tell the child who its father is. He said he wouldn't mind if I told the child. That cycle I ended up getting pregnant.

Things seem to have changed a bit now, and he doesn't seem to care who knows. He keeps saying "it's up to you, whatever you think is best, I don't mind if you tell people". Now it's getting to the stage where I'm starting to tell people I'm pregnant, and they are asking who the father is. I would be horrified at the idea of people thinking I'd had sex with my friend (and as we're both gay it would be a bit scandalous in our circle of friends). If I tell people we did artificial inseminations, then they would be judgmental and think I was too young to do that (I'm 27), that I'm not financially secure enough, not mature enough, etc. If I tell them I was whoring around they'll think I'm a whore. If I tell them I "tricked" some stranger into having unprotected sex with me they'll think I'm a reckless whore.

ARGH. I suppose there is no easy answer to this, but did anyone out there face the same dilemma once they actually got pregnant? And if so, what did you end up telling people?

[briome]

Well, some of that you get regardless of HOW you get preggars..... People still judge the wisdom of me getting pregnant even though I was older and in a commited long term (abeit straight) realtionship. I think some of that you will just get anyway so let it float off your back.

Your 'donor' seems a little indecicive about his role, long term, so in that way I would keep it private at least untill he works through his own emotions regarding it. Pregnancy is very emotional, for both sides!

Regarding what you tell others- I would tell them it was intentional and well thought out without the involvement of medical personal. They don't have to know that your 'parts' were touching but that MANY people now do home 'placement' of the other part you need in your area. THEY WILL JUDGE YOU, but they would anyway regardless of how it exactly happened. I say devulge the bare minimmum- but stressing that you are an ADULT and making choices for yourself and you could give a D*%& about what their concerns are (if given crap)

Congrats!

[danjelle]

thanks for your reply. just to clarify, we didn't actually have sex, we did the whole sperm in a cup thing. i guess the point of your reply was that it doesn't actually matter what we did though :P

i think you are right that he seems a bit indecisive about his role in the whole thing. because i want him to be more present than absent in the child's life i suppose i wanted to believe that he was starting to want that too. things seem to have changed so quickly though, i need to relax and see how things end up for him once he has had more of a chance to think about things.

[spedteacher30]

I would just tell people you used a donor and the rest of the story is for your child to tell when s/he is ready and/or willing. Then, ask them the story of their conception (what position were their parents in, where did it happen, etc).

Hopefully, they will get that it is terribly nosy.

We do tell people "oh, yeah, we used an anonymous donor from a bank. Yeah, we have some basic information about the donor from a profile the bank made available" but I know a lot of people who don't tell that much. It does help demystify the situation for some people.

[mntnmom]

<crashing> honestly, except for folks you want to tell, it's none of their da*n business! Whatever you tell people, some of them will judge you. It's a good chance to weed those people out of your life.
I am 28, married for nearly a decade and financially stable. People still thought we were nuts for planning to have a 4th baby. Or they assumed it was an accident, which means they assume you're careless, and don't *really* want the baby.
CONGRATULATIONS! There's never a *perfect* time to have a baby. But this one will no doubt be loved, and that's the best any of us can hope for in life!!

[seraf]

While I agree that it's no one's business, it's a situation you're going to find yourself in a lot. The nice thing about pregnancy is that it gives you time to come up with something better for after the baby's born. The questions only get worse then, and no one wants to stumble or look embarassed in front of their kid, who will soon be facing the same questions (who is your daddy? what do you mean you don't have a daddy? of course you have a daddy!).

I got pregnant with frozen when I was 21 and with a KD at 23, so I have felt the young/irresponsible/accident thing. You will get used to it. I think the line I used was, the baby won't care if we're poorer when it's a baby. Another stupid line, when people asked, "how'd you go and get pregnant?" I would shrug and say, "swallowed a watermelon seed." They laugh and don't ask again.

I wear a simple ring on my left hand just so I don't have to go into it with strangers. (or at work). If someone asks something like, is the daddy excited? I would just smile and say thrilled.

In a situation with close friends who know my situation, know I'm queer, I'm more open. I think saying "I got pregnant with the help of annonymous donor sperm" is enough info to pass on if you like.

With my KD, I said, a friend of a friend donated. He is a good friend, but he is also friends with friends, so friend of a friend is technically true and invites less curiosity, since they don't have to try to guess which close friend it may be.

Regarding the questions about relationship, I think letting the relationship evolve is a fine thing. Well, it worked out well for me. There have been a few bumps in the road, but we're all on the same page generally.

[briome]

Oh, I didn't know why I thought something was 'done'...but whatever, I certainly don't care!!!!!

I guess I didn't see what sub-catgory this was in, sorry, but I really mean the best.
My sister and her partner may do the same thing at some point???? Hmmm I wonder? And we know a number of women who have done the same thing, none were single (most on their second child going on the debate about which one will be pregnant this time....) at the time so I guess that is where you get MORE questions. I think the ring is a good idea, I already get WAY to many comments and if people assume you are unmarried a quick trip to the store can be a bad day!

Make way for babies!

[danjelle]

Briome I wasn't offended or upset at all! Just the thought of having sex with my donor/best friend horrifies me (he's like a brother to me) so my clarification of that was more about the EW factor in that :P I can see you meant the best with your reply, and it was very helpful. It seems I need the obvious pointed out to me - I don't see why I didn't see that my donors indecisiveness was problematic earlier, but I guess that what we're all here for Helping each other muddle along

Things in NZ are luckily a little more easy going about babies out of marriage etc. I can't imagine getting comments from strangers if they saw I wasn't wearing a ring. People seem to be a bit better with boundaries around that.

So far to friends who have asked who the father is or how I managed to find myself pregnant I have been responding with "well, I'm not too sure what lie I'm going to go with on that one, but I'll tell you once I've come up with something good." People seem a bit stumped at that, as I'm admitting that I'm going to be lying about it, and there doesn't seem much point pressing it after that. That won't wash forever though! Need something more long term

I think you are all right, and that I should focus on the wee miracle on its way, and try to get over the fact that there are going to be judgmental people out there, as you are right, no matter what I say there will be talk! I have noticed how pregnancy seems to be the time for people to turn into patronising know it alls, complete with "well meaning" opinions on how you should be living your life/organising your baby room/folding your washing/doing your hair :P I think I should be enjoying the time I've got without that for the next few weeks

[madison]

Just say, I got pregnant by donor insemination and my doctor/midwife says everything is looking great, thanks for asking.

I'm a single lesbian mom to a 6 year old boy, concieved by donor insemination at home with a willing to be known donor, whom we've met several times. Now that my son is in grade school, no one even knows that I'm gay and no one asks how he was conceived. They just know I'm a single mom and I (generally) don't talk about it. I will tell someone if they ask, it usually shuts them up or makes them even more curious, lol. Once you make it clear that it isn't an issue, nor an issue to be discussed to death or speculated about, generally people care more about cooing over the cute baby and forget all about the parent(s).

[Lyndzies]

Originally Posted by madison

Just say, I got pregnant by donor insemination and my doctor/midwife says everything is looking great, thanks for asking.

We used a KD and at-home inseminations, and that's what we tell people if they ask. If they want to know who the "father" is, we politely correct them and tell them that there is no father, just two moms... or that the father's name is "donor." People who try to delve more deeply get "we really would rather our child know who his/her donor is before the rest of the world does."

There are a few people very close to us who know who it is, but they are people we trust with the information, and who don't for a second think of the donor as a father.

HTH! And, congrats!

[indigoscot]

we didn't use a known donor so there is none of that issue for us. however, we are extremely open about how ds1 and ds2 were conceived. we feel that it's important for others to see that it's not something to be ashamed of or not talk about so our sons won't feel that too. in fact we welcome questions and everyone who has asked has been genuinely interested in the process. ds1 is almost 3 and while he knows the other kids at daycare have daddies has never asked why he doesn't have one.

we correct EVERYONE who says "daddy" or "father" and tell them ds1 and ds2 have a mum and a mommy and they were conceived using DONOR sperm.

g

[jjnoho]

Originally Posted by indigoscot

we didn't use a known donor so there is none of that issue for us. however, we are extremely open about how ds1 and ds2 were conceived. we feel that it's important for others to see that it's not something to be ashamed of or not talk about so our sons won't feel that too. in fact we welcome questions and everyone who has asked has been genuinely interested in the process. ds1 is almost 3 and while he knows the other kids at daycare have daddies has never asked why he doesn't have one.

we correct EVERYONE who says "daddy" or "father" and tell them ds1 and ds2 have a mum and a mommy and they were conceived using DONOR sperm.

g

i agree! it is important for us that we not present the impression of shame about how our child was conceived. if we were to make up stories to others or refuse to answer then it seems like it would give our soon to be born son the idea that there is something wrong with how he came into the world. i have always been a supporter of 'honesty is the best policy'.

[FtMPapa]

Originally Posted by jjnoho

i agree! it is important for us that we not present the impression of shame about how our child was conceived. if we were to make up stories to others or refuse to answer then it seems like it would give our soon to be born son the idea that there is something wrong with how he came into the world. i have always been a supporter of 'honesty is the best policy'.

Everyone who asks gets told about the donor, and if they ask who, I tell them. KD is very excited about the bebe, and I am excited about his role as my kid's spuncle.

I think this smiley is a KD.

[danjelle]

You're all such an awesome help with sorting things out. I'm not in any way worried about peoples' reaction to the gay thing, more about the fact that I will be a solo mum. (My partner and I split up near Christmas because I wanted kids & she didn't).

I have spoken to the donor about things and expressed my concerns with how he had quite quickly moved from being happy to not being involved at all and having no one ever know that he was the father, to him being cool with people knowing and wanting to tell people himself. I said I was worried that this was a transient thing for him and that I wasn't sure if he had thought enough about the implications of telling everyone, and how it would effect him for the rest of his life. He reassured me he had thought of all these things, and he was grown up enough to deal with it, and that he wasn't going to be changing his mind.

I haven't told many more people I'm pregnant (waiting for my 12 week scan on Monday eeek!), but some of those who already knew I have told them who the father was. Most of them said they had already guessed anyway :P
I was also getting a bit annoyed that every time I told someone I was pregnant I had to go through the whole "What?! Are you serious? Who's the father? No you're kidding aren't you?" Rather than just having people say "Oh my gosh congratulations!" So I was feeling a bit sorry for myself there :P I'm over that now though

I'm going to tell people who the father is, but say we did the inseminations at a clinic.

[dykemom]

Good Question!

I would give them the least information available. Other than my own lesbian\gay friends; I don't think I'll be letting anyone in on the deets. Not even my family. They don't understand the whole donor thing. They're old, they come from a different country and they'd have heart attacks and die.

I am engaged and will be married before the baby arrives, but I do not want someone to see my ring and assume I'm straight. Best thing to do is get a lesbian sign tattoo or something that says Pride, if you're femme like me and let them clue it out if they have enough brains